what's yer worth?

well now that the most celebrated holigayz season is finally completed

it's time to get back to life as usual...iron'n out my troubled trysts and write'n thank you letters to all my over-rated STD's

trust me...like my smartass phone that decides to pull a jihad on me about every 3 hrs...i'm over it...as much as i'm over you...but more about that another time...at this point in the monopoly of life...i figered...

i've passed GO so many times without collect'n my $200...that i realized i was start'n to pass my prime time...and it was about time that i got exactly what i wanted fer some change a change...so there i was...starve'n fer a marvin one even'n...(hey...it had been a whole 5 days)...and i was in no mood to bob fer blue balls...so i said to myself...i said self...why not just order some taco john?...you'd get exactly what ya paid for...without have'n to order a side of free phony compliments just fer a desperate return visit...besides...i'd never had spanish rice...it could be nice...but would it be worth the price?

as i meticulously searched thru my back issues of TOOTH CHIPPERS magazine...like a contestant who just solved the puzzle on the wheel of sexually frustrated fortune and was ready to pick the perfect prick from the throat gagg'n gallery of goodies...it got me to think'n fer just a minute...

how it all began?...from how it used to be...to how it is today?...how does one really set their base pay?

let's cue up the David Lee Roth hit and take a long lonely trip down male hookerville

y'all know of course...the 2 most famous power bottoms in history...

 were Roman emperors Caesar and Nero...both declare'n concubines caretakers fer their own sexual appetite on those cold lonely nites...but what most people don't know is...this was also where the origin of the term "royally fucked" originated from

by the time we hit the 15th century in Florence (Jean Castleberry) Italy

it was not uncommon fer young trollops between the ages of 

TRANSFORMERS addicts to transform'n themselves...

 gett'n tied up in some twisted tawdry love affair with a swiss bank account wealthy ancient relic with enough riches to keep them in new britches...til of course...thee under the covers lover gets bored with ride'n the wrinkled willy and spills the beans...along with his dignity...to the closest publish'n company

durin' the middle of the 16th century in Kawasaki Country...

kabuki theater was a treasure trove of high priced male hussies sought after by both male and female patrons fer their exquisite and appropriate applications of the correct base...lips gloss and eye liner...

even buddhists and samurai warriors were into tag team'n many of their "apprentices"...fer educational purposes only of course

by the turn of the 19th century...both Europe and North America...

were turn'n out sweet transvestites faster than jail time to jihads...also known as "fairies"...they were the latest "must have" accessory in the fall season from brothels to saloons with a "backdoor"...some even work'n in female brothels as an "exotic offer'n" fer their male clientele

the GREAT DEPRESSION wasn't really about a crippled economy...oh no

the greatest tragedy from that era of course...was the birth of the "str8 act'n and appear'n" non heterosexual hustlers as well as non homosexual hustlers...take'n over the brothel's and backrooms of the Hurry Back Inn that once were dominated by the flame'n fairies and muscle mary's with a sense of savoir faire...all the way from new york to new mexico...as a means to justify their blatant sexual sissification

from the sexual revolution of the 70's...til the heydays of...

Prince and the Revolution in the 80's...most cracked out casanova's came thru the drive up windows of lonely out-of-town toads look'n to "explore" all the city had to offer...by dole'n out a hefty offer of their own

but now...thanx to the birth of pop-up porn sites...GRINDR and SCRUFF

stocks have plummeted to an all time low fer the work'n ho'...with easy accessibility to pick'n yer prick without all those high prices...though yer spinn'n the roulette wheel these days with the free gift with purchase...that usually takes about 3-6 weeks to clear up...if yer lucky!

sure...i had many many monetary moments offered to me in my 20's...by many many much older than me in exchange fer extra curricular activities but i've revoked my blow-job valley membership eons ago...we've all used our youth to get exactly what we wanted at times...regardless of what the outcome was to be...so kindly remove yerself from behind that pulpit...

i mean really!...how many times have YOU impersonated a gyrate'n gigolo and expected or finagled yer way outta pay'n fer dinners?...vacations?...shopp'n sprees? or a musical interlude?...from yer peers...parents...or yer weekly passionistas? regardless whether yer old enough to wipe yer own ass to have'n to hire a nurse to do it fer ya...

and you far right finger point'n fucktards who are gonna stand there and say to me..."you can't do that...it's a sin"...seriously?...ummm...hate to break it to y'all but sin was just an imaginary disease invented by CASPER crusaders to sell the gullible and weak-minded like yerself an imaginary cure called s-a-l-v-a-t-i-o-n...and this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe don't play that !

so after careful consideration...i looked long and hard into the mirror...

and thought to myself...i thought self...what am i doin?...i may be one more year closer to receive'n my AARP membership and become'n a monthly member to the June Allison fan club...but i ain't gotta pay fer no dime store dick...well...not just yet anyways...i'm a damn catch...i still have plenty of free fuckable years on my roster...with the cost of live'n completely sky rocket'n year after year...kindly just leave a quarter on the counter fer services rendered...thank-you...

now with that in mind...time to spritz on my fav-o-rit and most effective eau de toilette to date...and watch me baby while i walk out that door!

now get off my dress!

FANTASTIKALLY SPASTIK

she was the soft spoken 27 yr old telekinetic teenager...

with an over bear'n Casper crusade'n mother...voted prom queen...who looked absolutely pretty in a pale pink silk poly blend...

way before Molly ever did...

that is...until she was left  stand'n alone...marinate'n in Porky's blood...terrify'n audience's since 1976

the one thing hollyweird never talks about...cuz they've kept it a secret...

just in case their lame attempt at revisit'n a true horror classic...turned out to be another plate of chinese moo-goo-shit...is Carrie's equally soft spoken...telekinetically challenged but equally outrageously breathtake'n cousin...that i FINALLY got the pleasure to shoot the bedazzled shit with...Oprahville's very own...

everything seemed to be goin fine and all...that is until....

Sissy decided to nibble on a frost burnt Dolly Madison she found cling'n to some life support system in the back of her frigid air box...and unfortunately fell into a coconut creme pie coma

i panicked fer a minute then decided that the show must go on...

immediately i googled "imaginably made-up perform'n interpretively translate'n psychic"...and found the only one i could find...well since i invented her in my head...Holly Cunter popped up...so i hired her pronto...as one would do in these types of situations when yer guest falls into a coconut creme pie coma...so without further ado...let's get on with the show shall we

hey kitten...so glad i was able to pin ya down fer yer 1st exclusive interview with ME...i should give a lil back story as to how we ran across each other...

it wasn't in a car...no kittens...but it seriously was across a crowded room...the BOOM BOOM ROOM to be exact...in Oprahville last november as you and yer good friend JoJo Baby...were the resident eye candy...

 at the BOY GEORGE/MARC VEDO DJ event...
yer look litterally blew me away...(and i don't mean that in a gloryhole kinda way kittens)...even though i was there to hire Boy George to DJ at an event i flushed down the porcelain pony recently...i just knew i had to meet YOU! 

so here we are FINALLY...and "Sissy"...i don't wanna freak ya out...

but this blog has been around the world...and i...i...i...i can't find my baby...
(sorry i was have'n a Miss Stansfield moment)
from Boca Raton to Bangladesh...Sydney to Seattle...Arkansas to Africa and everywhere in between

you are definitely not some dime store queen...oh no...yer look is absolutely brilliant and breath take'n...and i should know...cuz quite frankly...ya took my breath away when i 1st saw ya!
(ummm i'm gonna need that back soon btw)

why don'tcha give my legion of kittens thru-out the lands...a lil back story about how you became to be the beauty barely breath'n before us and some of yer greatest inspirations?

well thanx doll face...but how can i compare to an... 

UNINTENTIONALLY INTERNATIONALLY UNKNOWN PERFORM'N ILLUSIONIST OF HER OWN UNIVERSE like yerself...but i'll try...

my basic mantra in life is BE YOU...DO YOU and NEVER
 A-P-O-L-O-G-I-Z-E!

 i'm SISSY SPASTIK and i approve of this message.

as far where i pull my looks from...i'm a Gemini so i get bored very easily...so i'm not really interested in bein' a top 40's queen like most...i have a lot of influences that i draw from...but my biggest influences come from the over the top gender benders from the 80's like GRACE JONES...BOY GEORGE...ANNIE LENNOX and DAVID BOWIE just off the top of my head

most mid-nite callers that have been lucky enough to be in the presence of my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...universe...(and those that wished)...know i have an 8 ft crucifix...

 

with my framed collection of Madonna photo's molest'n my live'n rooms walls...and a shrine to BOY GEORGE in my boudoir...why not!

who is the one famous celebritante in the entire world (besides ME of course) that you'd absolutely go batshit crazy over...if they invited you to clean out their closets of whatever you wanted?

well...besides YOU of course daaalin'...i would have to go with 
STEVIE NICKS

cuz guuurl...you know she's been twirl'n around with her shawls and platform boots like a "gypsy"...cast'n her raspy melodically medieval spells since the 1970's...i mean sure she's had her share of "demons" to live down...who the hell hasn't...but lady if this is about those Christie McVie "rumors"...don't even go there!...plus i'da loved to have been a fly on the wall when she was on AHS: COVEN...

cuz ya just know that lil weeble wooble Leslie Jordan was try'n to marinate in her essence while she floated around the set just like a white winged dove

a lil birdie tells me that you recently took a trip out to the LA...

what was that all about...and why wasn't i invited?

i was out there for some much needed R&R (that's  recreational "candies" and rectal pirates...no i'm totally kidd'n...seriously...i'm not a bttm...that often...wink wink!) i just needed a breather from bein' so consumed with myself  lately...plus i gotta fabulous photo shoot with the brilliant photographer to the celebs...AUSTIN YOUNG...id'a take'n you with...but he wasn't shoot'n just any ol' whore that week

though some out there might be afraid of Virginia Woolf...

i think more oughta be afraid of you Sissy...the magic you create with the make-up brush and yer transformations are completely gravy train

in fact...i just finished watch'n yer episode of  "TRANSFORMATIONS"...

with the ever brilliant former club kid of the BIG APPLE clubs...James St. James...and you did a fantastikally spastik bang up job on him...how was that experience?
it was incredible to slap face for the incredible James St. James...i was nervous about meet'n him but he was so kind and an absolute pleasure to meet...and not a single back knife in his make-up case...which is always a nice surprise

ok...now it's time fer a lil light'n round i just made up...

ready fer a quickie?

honey...let's get one thing straight..ain't nutt'n quick about me...

OOOKAY!

my last cd i purchased was "THIS IS WHAT I DO" by BOY GEORGE...

what's yers?

ummm i don't know what century yer live'n in...but i'm all about save'n the planet...i only purchase cruelty free downloads these days...or just steal cd's from my X's...

but i'm try'n to hunt down the music to one of the most obscure all girls band Pulsallama from 1980...have you heard of em? 

the movie i can pretty much recite verbatim is "MURIEL'S WEDDING"...

what's yers?

without a doubt...it would have to be the original "HAIRSPRAY"...

"but Tracy ain't no 1st lady...are you Tracy? no siree!...she's a hair hopper...that's what she is!"

the most inspirational perform'n illusionist to me is JACKIE BEAT...

who's yers?

ummm besides thee UNINTENTIONALLY INTERNATIONALLY UNKNOWN PERFORM'N ILLUSIONIST OF HER OWN UNIVERSE like yerself...

i'd have to go with DIVINE...i loved her style...glamour meets gutter trash...that's me in a nutshell

now we've come to the part of the interview i like to call...

"can we talk about ME fer a change?"

basically Holly i mean Sissy...i want you to put on yer best Barbara blouse...

and ask me anything...and i mean A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G under the rainbow that yer die'n to ask me...well except about rainbows...cuz that's just fuck'n lazy journalism!

ummm...why did you delete me from FACEBOOK?

i was afraid that was gonna be a sore subject...dry yer pretty lil eyes kitten...see thing is...i have a very short narcoleptic attention span with my online stalkers kittens...since you seemed to not to wanna be bothered with my interview after a couple of emails though i thought we got along famously via FB...i hadda get in touch with one of my many multiple personalities and spend time hire'n the imaginably made-up perform'n interpretively translate'n psychic Holly Cunter to get this interview done in time fer my monday's deadline...or my boss (that would be ME) would fire my ass (and i was like "you can't fire me...i'll quit")...but thankfully we worked it out...plus...frankly i decided it was time to start vacumm'n out the shit dirt that didn't belong in my kitty box...cuz really...FB is nothin' but a place fer people to shit their lame daily affirmations on an hourly basis to make themselves seem the slightest bit interest'n to the rest of the whores along the informational highway...or post dumb ass pix of the fancy slop they will be eat'n...and don't even get me started on their relationships that sink every 15 minutes...so pleez don't take it personal...you ain't the only one that i threw out...there were others...some 50 somethin' Guatemalan houseboy named Chester the Molester that i never even had the pleasure to treasure on the other side of the planet...didn't take it very well...and has set up a kickstarter fund to help pay fer his medical bills

besides...yer still gonna make it after all...without my help kitten!

before i bid au revior...is there anything you'd like to whore out now?

yea...pleez come see me sometime...anytime...i'll make it up to you and get you an appletini i swear...you can usually find me at the BOOM BOOM ROOM...BERLIN...NEO...HYDRATE...TWIRL or anywhere i can get a dime bag...i mean...some benjamins and thunderous applause from the salivate'n crowds in Chicago...but if anyone out there would like to watch me in action in their own hometown...(well except RUSSIA...i think you know why) drop me a message at sissyspastik@gmail.com or follow me on instagram or tweet me yer twat on twitter or if that ain't enough fer ya...find me on FACEBOOK

also...if yer in Chicago this st patty's day...come on down to...

"NEVERLAND presents THE QUEEN OF HEARTS" with DJ CINDEL

 @ HYDRATE fri march 14th

ya never know who'll get yer lucky charms

well it's time fer me to end this shady charade...

i wanna thank the imaginably made-up perform'n psychic interpretively translate'n psychic Holly Cunter fer interpret'n fer the windy city's loveliness known as SISSY SPASTIK and hope she recovers from her coconut creme pie coma real soon...i'm look'n forward to perform'n with her someday in the near future...catch SISSY where ever ya can kittens!

now get off my dress!