TALK'N IN MY SLEEP

have you ever believed that there is somethin' beyond the graveyard?

Winona Ryder found out all about the existence of the afterlife that helped her deal with her own miserable mortality in "BEETLEJUICE" 

it made Demi believe there really was life after death...thanx to Whoopi use'n her body as some sorta sexual vortex fer her in  "GHOST"

dearly departed lead singer PETE BURNS from the band "DEAD OR ALIVE" sung all about "just a ghost with a long long dead affair" with their ghostly 1986 smash hit "SOMETHING IN MY HOUSE"

of course not everything about the afterlife was a bed of roses as late actor ROBIN WILLIAMS found out with his utterly severe allergy attack in "WHAT DREAMS MAY COME"

BUTT move'n on

though i grew up forced into attend'n those apocalyptic voodoo classes with the other CASPER crusaders...i was never one to believe in anything

but spend'n a good buck...

on a good tuck...

but not fer a good...oh what the hell...it's not like yer not gonna google it at some point anyways...YES...fuck!

though i've had my run-ins with ouija boards...

and dabbled in the occasional seances over the years... 

however...did i ever mention about the other dimension that i've had contact with? oh yes kittens...it's true!

the first time was way back in the 90's with my Grama Viola...i'd just gotten

off (hey...get yer mind outta the gutter ya dirty lil kitten...well at least this time) bein' a drug bunny fer the government...when i got a call one early morn'n in '93 from my cuz Heather tell'n me that she had passed away in her sleep at 87 (the way she wanted to) i was inconsolable at the time since i had just spoke with her the nite before lett'n her know that i planned on move'n back to her home to help her out around the house once my study was completed...she was like a rock of security i had never really had before from anyone after i lost my dad 13 years earlier...she took me fer who i was without pass'n any sorta judgment or point'n any finger at me...

she even measured me and sewn my very first dress as Elvira out of her brown polyester curtains in the front live'n room window fer halloween in '85...well roughly 2 weeks later after her pass'n..

i remember sitt'n on her couch at her house on 3rd street with her daughter (my aunt Ellen) while she was kick'n back in her motorized lift chair and leaned in towards us both...smiled and said everything was ok...after that she had disappeared like Houdini and i woke straight up in bed as if she was call'n me from long distance beyond this earthly realm...luckily she's shown up in a handful of dreams since...from that moment on death was just a fairytale to me

which incidentally was the hit song in mine and my good friend Robert's band "ASTRO PUSSYCATS" in '88 (which i read somewhere in the back of my mind that it was a moderate dance club hit in the underground hot spots of Uganda back in '95 though i unfortunately can't confirm nor deny such nonsense as i already had moved on into my life as the premiere unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe)

almost 20 years later...and the only real love of my life Mike...thus far

who i had nicknamed HEMAN fer obvious reasons and spent 4 1/2 tumultuous roller coaster years together...decided to call me one afternoon on my lunch break 8 years after i had ended the relationship although we still remained "close" friends fer 6 of them...break'n down (which he never had done durin' our time together) tell'n me that he found out he had some sorta cancer and that the doctors couldn't figer out what it was though he was start'n chemo...all i had thought back then was WAIT! they don't just dole out chemo like it's candy...they have to know what kind of chemo to give you in the first place...however my only response at the time was stunned...

well cuz i only had 20 minutes left on my lunch break and i was a starve'n marvin...but more importantly...i reassured him that people lived years with the treatments they had out these days (he was 19 years older than me at the time...i was 42...so you do the math smarty pants) anywho'zll'ding...we kept in contact fer the next 6 month religiously every week fer about an hour talk'n about anything and everything under the sun...he was always good at return'n my calls within minutes if he happened to be preoccupied at the time when i called...alas...one day i would not here back from him all day so by the next day i would call and leave another message again though without a response...i kept this up fer 4 weeks wonder'n why all of a sudden did he stop return'n my calls...the only thing that went thru my mind was that he either fergot to pay his cell bill and it got cut off or he changed his number and fergot to save my number in his new cell

then one nite as i drifted off into rem sleep i found myself all dressed in black...walk'n down a long peer to a white beach with the flame'n sun beat'n the live'n shit outta me as i tried to hide my delicate milky white flesh under my black laced parasol (what...you don't have one?...huh...too bad fer you then!) all of a sudden i see someone walk'n along the wave lines on the sea and as they got closer i noticed it was HEMAN with a huge smile on his face...he stretched out his arms to me and simply said "hey Matty why don't you come with me for a walk" i replied with my token answer i'd always give'n him whenever he wanted me to do stuff with him outside under the blaze'n sun "Mike...you know i hate the sun on my skin" he simply replied laugh'n "i know Matty it's ok now...well i gotta go ok" and i said a simple goodbye as Mike kept on slowly walk'n along the beach...as i had turned and headed up the peer i turned around to get one last look to say goodbye i noticed Mike slowly began to fade into the wind and i woke up all of a sudden and completely content that we just said our final good bye

by the time i had made my way to work that morn'n...somethin' told me to log his name into google and to my utter surprise...Mike had died exactly 1 month to the day i had the dream...to this very day i do believe that was his way of tell'n me he knew i was try'n to contact him but i should stop call'n cuz he was no longer home and everything was ok and have had countless cross over conversations with him ever since in my dreams

my godmother and the closest relation that i had any real connection with

 since my Grama Viola was my aunt Ellen...who always went way above and beyond fer me fer many many years ever since i was young...by give'n me my 1st sip of beer as a small child and realize'n my palette was made fer a much more refined distillery...take'n me to my 1st trip that i can ever remember outside of my state to South Dakota with my cuz's when i was 11 and lett'n me pick where i wanted to go...just like i was one of her very own kids (i chose Flintstone Park...why not!) and many times i would save up my paper route money or collect'n recyclable cans thru-out my teenrager years in my hometown to buy a bus ticket outta dodge to one of her many places she was live'n in at the time and stay with her fer the week or so

once i had made my way to the Minne-Apple in 1990...we would become even closer and go on many walks over the years...from the Mall of Hysteria on the weekends in the winter times with pit stops at our fav-o-rit therapy session...Fat Tuesdays...to replenish our fluids...to many walks around the many parks thru-out the metro area

halloween was always my fav-o-rit time of the year...Ellen even offered to 

make her tasty potato soup fer my murder mystery party one year...we would spend a good chunk of halloween nites together in my 30's dress'n up and go bar hopp'n in Burnsville before i would hit the downtown Minne-Apple with friends...that is until one halloween when she went out as Hillary Clinton in a cape in 2008 (i'm assume'n the look was a blood suck'n politician she was goin for...not anything against Hillary as she was very much for her all the way) and i went lil red ride'n hooker (cuz i can) nonetheless...a lil trip to the boys room to powder my nose and retuck my stuck fuck pole was a bit of an awkward moment fer the 4 urinal warts unleash'n their belches and bladders with one say'n with a shit grin form'n on his face and lick'n his lips "ma'am yer in the wrong room" to which i simply replied in my best frog clogged voice "don't worry...you ain't my type" of course his only logical retort was" yer a fuck'n dude?" (ummm yea...it was time to get outta dodge pronto after that!)

Ellen was always one of my most supportive fans...come'n to many many 

of my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe performances over my years in the biz...even make'n it to my last performance a few years ago when i hosted the official (and highly successful i might add) REBEL HEART party at some shit hole bar in downtown Minnehopeless

we had spent many a holidaze together in one form or another thru-out 

the years...the last holiday we spent together was at her cuz's house in Eagan, MN...a friend came with to help doll her up fer the easter festivities...they hit it off like they'd known each other fer years...goin on like 2 chatty Kathy's

she told me once as a small child if she took care of me at the time (of which she did hands down durin' my treacherous and tumultuous 20's) that i would have to take care of her when she needed it later on in life...she would remind me of this from time to time over the years and i did my best to keep that promise by help'n her out at her board and lodge business she was part owner of...to paint'n and clean'n her condo numerous times over numerous years in Burnsville that even was featured in a small arty film i wrote fer one of the shows i was part of

one day quite a few years back now i was asked to move in and help 

take care of her by 2 of her offspring's after i noticed a change in my aunt's behavior and subsequently ring'n the alarm after discover'n much of it was due to the drugs she was forced to take by her "care provider" after i had the meds examined by a licensed clinical technician only to have said "care provider" go ape shit on us both one thanksgive'n gather'n when she found out i had done my Angela work...

i had zero issue with the transition of uproot'n my dandy digs except fer the distance factor to my work at the time so i mentioned to help find someone to help sell the condo and find somethin' closer to my work so i wouldn't have to do the long weekly commute (of which i was never a fan of cuz if it took me more than 15 minutes to get to work...i didn't wanna go) everyone was in agreement that nite so i set the ball in motion with a mutual realtor friend to help hunt fer new digs that we both could dig

flash forward to 2 years later when we both were blind sided one day

to hear that she was now goin to be put in "a home" that she had ABSOLUTE ZERO desire to ever be part of (after both the offspring's had time and time again cancelled with my realtor friend on show'ns til my realtor friend had had enough of them both waste'n his time) even though my aunt was promised by her own "care provider" (that i was privy at when she spoke it to her on 2 occasions) who stated emphatically that she WOULD NEVER put her in one...although much to her displeasure...once my aunt was moved into the "puppy pound fer displaced adults" she was now at the very least happy to be only a mile from my apartment and alot easier fer me to look after even though i felt helpless after the many talks we would have on the nites i would stop over after work and go fer a couple laps around the block with her as she told me time and time again how much she DID NOT want to be there...

til she finally told me one nite if she was no longer there on one particular even'n that it was cuz of them force'n her into the hell hole so they no longer had to feel inconvenienced in their own lives...instead of just follow'n thru and find'n her a home fer us both as we agreed upon from the very start of which i had a lengthy discussion with my other aunt at the time who shared in the same concerns as i so quite frankly put...selected offspring's can spin the end story to anyone who wants to buy into their bullshit...however i need no ones approval since i was there...they can say whatever to whomever that makes them sleep at nite while they stew in their own calculated cold-hearted guilt

she would only be in the hell hole fer one month when i received a call late

one nite 4 days after our last walk that my beloved aunt had passed away under "unfortunate circumstances" and to say i was completely devastated is a complete understatement...there were no words to describe what was goin thru me that late even'n...i was a mute mess...the rest will all come out in due time!

2 weeks would go by while i was sitt'n in my bed and would see a bright

blurry light make'n it's way thru a succession of fast paced black shadows...as the light made it's way thru the shadows it became more luminescent then all of a sudden i could see it was my aunt Ellen in a white puffy jacket wear'n her fav-o-rit green hat...walk'n up to the edge of my bed wave'n with her irish grin on her face and said to me "H-E-L-L-O...how are you?" i remember shedd'n a single tear of joy and say'n "i had this weird dream Ellen that everyone was tell'n me you were dead" then i realized she was really gone and i was wake'n up from a dream inside a dream...

she walked over to the side of my bed as the dark faceless silhouettes kept move'n past her...the light continually glow'n brighter...she leaned down to me say'n "don't worry everything is ok...i'm with Eugene" (her eldest brother who was stand'n quietly next to her) as she leaned into me to give me a hug i whispered into her ear "Ellen can you say hi to my dad for me?" she simply said "yes i will" and as she turned her head to the side and wrapped her arms around me...her body had completely dissipated into a blackness and i woke up...wide awake and completely relieved know'n she was finally ok and no longer have'n to deal with the meticulous insanity she was put thru the last few years of her life and have had many numerous nightly visits from her ever since fer the past 5 years after she crossed over

believe what you wanna believe whatever you think happens when you 

gasp yer last breath...i myself believe there is an absolute afterlife that has absofuckinlutely nothing to do with all those vomitous delusional 4 horsemen apocalyptic CASPER crusade'n ghost stories that have been regurgitated to the masses on their asses over the centuries in the slightest...however...who really knows?

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

TELEPHONE pt. 2

everyone out there wants to either become friends with a celebrusaurus

some time in their life or at the very least...at least...to be able to speak to them from beyond the grave from time to time fer the right dime of course (hey the estates of the dead don't make a pretty penny fer nothin')

with the hallowed season upon us...it's that time again fer all the lil kittens

to dress up as their fav-or-it mini celebrusaurus and beg their neighbors within a mile radius to fill their fake fendi satchels full of the latest non denominational non binary non electronical goodies to rot their non decayed choppers til it’s non white friday

i myself...bein thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n

illusionist of my own universe of course...know all to well about the trials and tribulations us future celebrusaurus's will have to endure just to keep the basic commoners (much like yerself that tune in every week cuz yer too weak to walk away before read'n my highly uninformative gibberish halfway fer the past decade plus) remotely interested in our legacy once we've reach the great beyond

we all know about the fair share of run-ins i myself have had with other

unfossilized celebrusaurus's thru out my dimly lit career from the MISTRESS OF THE DARK to the QUEEN OF ENGLAND and everyone in between

i've even had the absofuckinlute pleasure to have a mini chitty chitty

bang bang gabfest with other past their prime future celebrusaurus's like NY's very own archaic road kill LADY BUNNY...WILL & GRACE's colostomitic  keebler elf LESLIE JORDAN and everyone's fav-o-rit pain in the ass from the prairie ALISON ARNGRIM to name drop just a few (before they all unfortunately hadda put a restrain'n order out on my perky A double snakes cuz i kept text invite'n myself over fer sunday brunch even though i have zero clue of their whereabouts)

BUTT anyways...click here in case you missed out on pt. 1!

well...hold on to yer yellowed stained corn-on-the-cob choppers kittens 

cuz today we here at the unlawful orifices' of GET OFF MY DRESS have F-I-N-A-L-L-Y secured an annoy'n exclusive one-on-one pow wow 

with the regrettable edible KRYSTAL KLEER

by the late great ghost of JOAN RIVERS from far beyond the grave thanx to the magic of the ouiga 

so darling KRYSTAL...i wanna thank you ever so for finally take'n the time 

to contact me from the great beyond...i haven't heard a damn peep from that bitch of a daughter of mine Melissa or my ungrateful grandson Cooper...they made off with my millions...my QVC jewelry line and my gorgeous penthouse in NY...i carried that gold digging cunt to full term even though i had second thoughts every time i hung up my coat in the hall closet...she ruined my figure gnaw'n on my insides and making me as big as a house fer 9 god damn months...when my water broke my dog drowned...then she turns around and sells everything...hires a buddhist therapist to start repressed false memory therapy to prove she's the real daughter of JOAN CRAWFORD...

oh yea cuz that worked out so well fer CHRISTINA you untalented twat!

 KRYSTAL you don't what it's like on this side...ARRRRRGH...every day of eternity with my beloved EDGAR...i finally got to ask him why did he kill himself all those years ago and he admitted to me the day i crossed over (thanx to that fuck'n throat specialist...accident my boney ass) he said "JOANIE it was all your fault really...we were making mad passionate love and you took the bag off your head!" 

fuck him...like he was some passionate prize package...my love life with Edgar was like a slice of swiss cheese…most of it was missing and what’s there stinks…it was so bad that my G spot was declared a historic landmark…we bought a water bed in the 70's and he stocked it full of trout and towards the end right before he pulled the trigger he got so fat stuff'n his face with everything but my vagina that i even caught him putt'n mayonnaise on his aspirin though i can't blame him for doin what he did really...i can honestly admit i have no sex appeal…when peeping tom's peek in my window they pull down the shades…my gynecologist examines me over the telephone!

anyways...i'm glad you found me on yer board during that damn pandemic your dealing with up there to talk to me about your miserable existence so what have you been up to my dear since all that covid chaos started?

first off...pandemic? i say fandemic! i swear to CHER i could barely leave my shitbox Joan...i mean my quaint lil shitbox of course...i started feel'n like a schizophrenic gerbil goin from my modest 2 room rental so eventually i forced myself to wander out and about once i received my recommended shots...however...from the freeways to the food shelves i was constantly bein hounded by those  "karens" everywhere try'na catch me off guard so they could cash in on selfish selfies by sell'n em fer a handful of pathetic pennies to those christian periodical magazines as if i'm some sorta harlet of hellfire

though i did manage to give back to the community by host'n a highly successful BINGO marathon at some dt Minne-Apple health spa sperm bank right before lockdown fer those cripples cling'n on to hope over at the MS foundation

oh and i finally turned the BIG 5-0!

now that we're all caught up...why don't we just get to the real reason fer 

this slightly annoy'n but highly anticipated sit down...a lil birdie tells me that you've decided to enter back into the world of film after years of hiatus ever since you first appeared and was unfortunately discovered in some "DOOSH A-WAY" commercial

well yes it's true...i did try launch'n my very own liquor line back in 2012 i believe it was however i couldn't get anyone to contribute to my gofukyerself account so i lost all confidence in my product and drank my way into a mini vaca at the beautiful BETYY FORD bungalow's in Center City, MN 

my latest and greatest project though almost didn't happen to be honest cuz when i found out the other ladies that i was up against fer this coveted role but then i said to myself NO! who says i'm not as worthy as MERYL...JULIAN and GLENN...we're all in our advanced years...they all may have Oscars under their belt nonetheless in spite of that at least i've take'n a belt off an Oscar or 5 over the years and thankfully i feel just as fulfilled fill'n them up!

i heard there was some sorta controversy when you had premiered your

latest flick "TELEPHONE" at the TUNA CANNES FILM FESTIVAL in Sheboygan Iowa...care to elaborate on the rumors?

well i'm not one to gossip but i overheard game show spectacle of  "TIC TAC DOUGH" fame WINK MARTINDALE was busted tapp'n his twinkle toes in some sorta fornicational morse code to an undercover policeman in the stall next to mine...though i'll deny it if anyone asks me outright!

do you have any other plans to do a follow up in the footsteps of most 

films of horror fav-o-rits like JASON...FREDDY and MICHAEL and might yer audience perhaps be see'n a trilogy to "TELEPHONE" in the near future?

it's funny you should ask that JOAN cuz this film was almost not made...see what had happened was i almost walked off the set on day 1 of film'n since my rider demands weren't met...i mean is it ask'n too much fer powder green m&m's to match my powder green eyes...powder green contacts and a slovakian chef to feed them to me? (the m&m's not the contacts in case yer confused) luckily my multiple personality manager inside my head convinced me to fergo the amenities at this time around 

so my fabulous director TONY LARSON and myself had discussed the other day about take'n the profits from "TELEPHONE" which takes place in the 80's...to bank role that into a 90's follow-up called "FLIP PHONE" and of course fer the new gender fluid non dairy binary canary millennials we'd of course have to do a non scary "CELL PHONE" which would be the scariest of them all cuz it's like a trilogy of terror when yer cell goes off while yer try'na get off in some raunchy rest stop though we'll probably wait fer the receipts from "TELEPHONE" to come in before anything else happens...i'll keep ya posted!

here's a few behind the scenes from my colossal cringe fest...you think it's sooo damn easy bein me however hand placement is completely crucial...it can make or break a scene...i also hadda do a few "look into the light Carol Ann" shots fer the dream sequence as well (i was see'n spots fer days)

this was me take'n a break on location film'n the open'n scene on the last day after a month and a half of shoot'n...i hadda do this scene over like 15 times cuz desperado's were try'na consume my spotlight walk'n up the sidewalk on a beautiful wednesday even'n...coincidentally this was also the location of the wrap party which was lack'n any sorta open bar or buffet (well it wasn't in the budget i was told) good thing there was some hummus and stale saltines still left at the bottom of the purse that i bought at a rummage sale last year

well i think...i mean i absolutely know...your kittens would be interested 

so let's turn the tables to the director TONY LARSON fer a change...so tell me TONY the readers want to know what exactly made you decide to want to film this tale of terror with that terror KRYSTAL and how ever did you manage to get the unintentionally internationally unknown performing illusionist of her own universe to get on board in the first place?

well then…i guess he’s prepp’n for the premiere…move’n on!

ok so i guess i'll follow yer lead from the past interviews that you've done

"can we talk about ME fer a change?"

so ask me KRYSTAL darling anything you wanna know about me except about those fuck'n rainbows cuz that's just lazy journalism

ok JOAN...i heard yer somewhat to blame fer the downfall of the late

MICHAEL JACKSON by give'n him some advice on date'n...can you elaborate on that?

i can admit that the whole downfall to MICHAEL JACKSON's career was 

entirely my fault...i told him to only date 28 year old's...

who knew he was gonna find 20 of them & i don’t wanna hear any of you out there gimme any grief over that one so on that note toodaloo cuntaroo!

i wanna thank the dearly deceased JOAN RIVERS fer come'n on over

from the other side to bask in my dimly lit spotlight and chitter chatter’n with me fer a mere moment in time...i wished we could'a talked a bit longer but i dropped my dignity all over the ouija board and we lost our connection though presumably i can now marinate in my fame fer a moment since my dimly lit spotlight just got ginormous with MY NAME FINALLY ON THE MARQUEE!

hope you enjoy our desperate attempt at terrify'n you with "TELEPHONE" and have yerself a helluva hweenie and here's hope'n yer trick won't treat you with an uncomfortable uber ride to the red door clinic in the morn'n!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!