tale of 2 brides pt 1

picture it kittens...the year was 1982 and one William Michael Albert Broad

simply known to us Gen-X'ers as my punk passion fruit...BILLY IDOL...was burn'n up the charts with his unconventional punk promenade fer that long walk down the aisle with his smash hit "WHITE WEDDING" and i knew someday...i would be prance'n down to some promenade of my very own

i mean...if Mariel can do it...then why the H-E-double hockey stix can't i? after all...i was there the day it was officially signed into law 

with my friend Karen and the blood suck'n breath'n apparatus she expelled from between her thighs...in the great state of 9,999 bottoms on july 1, 2013 (hey...not ALL of us queens are flame'n bottomless pits of Zima and regret)

well...low and behold...i'm here to tell you...that day has finally come!

BUTT...not what i had envisioned...so lemme back it up a bit!

earlier this year i received a frantically nail bite'n axe wield'n call from one 

of my oldest and dearest...ummm friends fans wig stalkers...fer the past 10 or so years...(that reminds me...must remember to renew restrain'n order) who insisted that i meet her at this very moment in time...at some neighborhood eatery...to discuss some rivet'n news that she was sooo desperate to reveal to me...i thought what the H-E-double hockey stix is it now? she can't be preggers fer jimminey crickets...her eggs have been scrambled fer years...then i thought OH NO!

was this about another Britney breakdown and the cancel'n of her Vegas residency due to her father's ill health? (even though we Spearheads know damn well it was her dad Jamie...who supplied her with narcotics fer the past 11 years and committed her to a mental facility...just so he could siphon from her ginormous piggy bank)

dear god...JUST LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

turns out...i jumped the gun on the whole Britney breakdown thingy and all

as it had absolutely ZERO to do with her bein' the first one to gimme the scoop on all the latest break'n Brit Brit gossip...NO...my "friend" said that she was plann'n on marry'n her long time partner in crime (who had his own lil Britney breakdown 9 years ago when he involuntarily volunteered his truck and his time...to transport my new couches into my newly acquired quaint lil shitbox of my very own...though it was like a game of fuck'n tetris just try'na get'em thru the damn doors)

after we had choked down our proverbial ceremonious bloody mary's...

said stalker got right down to the nitty gritty details of her devious plans...explain'n how she wanted to acquire the services of thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe...hey when you wanna quench yer thirst with the best...you don't order swill from the bottom shelf do you?

 (much like you should never clip coupons when search'n out cosmetic surgery to retain a shimmer of yer youthfulness)

oh...HELLLL NO...you pick the premium on top! now where was i?...oh yea...she wanted me to basically walk down the aisle as a teaser tester before she would be make'n the final plunge as a single lady...fer the 2nd time...in a small but very unimportant majestic northern minnesota town...that apparently...they had frequented many times before

at first i thought...hey why not...i haven't give'n to any charitable charity at

 this particular moment in time...(who knows who could be lurk'n in those woods) then i remembered...OH WAIT...there was that ONE time...but hey to my undefensible defense...that penicillin shot was well worth it...rent got paid on time fer a change (insert laugh here...like i'm worried about rent)

months later i was summoned once again to meet on some covert mission

at some undisclosed location in the uptown area of the Minne-Apple and discuss the exact deets to said diabolical plans that she had concocted in her devious lil head fer her big day

wait...you mean you were S-E-R-I-O-U-S?

since i had already fully fulfilled my charitable acts fer the entire year

(thanx to that one steamy nite when i got caught between the moon and some new Jack in the city) i decided to negotiate my rider demands fer said event...and they...like me...weren't gonna be simple:

i of course would need a security team of crotch grabb'n triplets

a small intimate corner room in a cornered off floor of the west wing of the closest castle

a helluva pad fer my helluva chopper

James Dietz from "Who's that Girl" fame to be my personal "handler"

accord'n to my good friends at Google...mister titillations...James Dietz...sadly has passed away...in 19 FUCK'N 87!!

ok...well scratch the "handler" then...that outta save her a few benjamins

Jesus...Mary Kate and Ashley Simpson on a cross...why am i always the last to know?

ANYWHO'ZLL'DING...

a crystal bowl in the shape of a patagonian penguin filled with hollowed out aqua marine M&M shells

permeate the air in my boudoir with Madonna's "NAKED"

a 6 pack of jolly rancher Zima

oh...and a jolly rancher to serve it to me in a chilled champagne flute

hey...i'm worth it!

my stalker...bein' very impetuous as she slurped down her 3rd grape ape

 sangria...soaked up my obviously small suggestional demands...then suggested instead to negotiate my demands...by just gett'n me a free place to rest my plump lily white A-double snakes fer the weekend in the woods...with all the cocktails...cuisine and casual wearers one could ask for...plus a free ride up with her security detailers

see what i've had to put up with all these years kittens?
it's soo hard to be ME!

tune in next week fer the excruciate'n conclusion of "tale of 2 brides" pt2

have a spooktacular hweenie kittens and
GET OFF MY DRESS!

hot as hell

so we're only a couple short weeks away from all hell's even'n…

my all time fav-o-rit holidazzle celebration of them all

i remember runn'n around in those oh so comfortable costumes with the facial masks that made you feel like you were gasp'n fer yer last breath...

at six feet underground...from the good ol' yester years...with my siblings in gilmore valley...gett'n an ice cream bucket full of some future diabetic disaster from the neighbors we absolutely knew nothing about...know'n i wouldn't become a lil crispy critter…with it's flame retardant fabric...

unlike those other store bought brands

i've concocted a merried of looks since then…in fact…in 1986…my grama made my very first h-weenie outfit to fit my curvaceous curves during my tender sweet 16th year as Elvira Mistress of the Dark...as one would do

with her front window curtains made of brown polyester
 (insert "how precious" awww here)

the follow'n year i would make my very first costume on my own as Lily 

Munster...then returned the non rental sew'n machine back to Kmart fer a full refund 

cuz i desperately needed to renew my subscriptions to TEEN BEAT and SMASH HITS magazine...well...trust me... my paper route money wasn't gonna cut it!

my first nite out in the Minne-Apple in '91 i went as Wednesday Addams

and was stuck in it fer an unfortunate 3 days...and hadda draw on my eyebrows with a  combination of brown and purple Crayola markers...due to an unfortunate razor incident that even'n

(the storm of the century that nite…remember kittens?)

when i was Ziggy Stardust years later...i lost out to some toothpicked

 twink in diapers and a top hat as baby new year…you can't tell me some beer gut wasn't boink'n his boy beaver fer top prize... i was robbed i tell ya...R-O-B-B-E-D!!!

i've done the Boy George look as Leigh Bowery from his hit show TABOO

  fer the new millennium and won a free cocktail…big fuck'n whoop

but when i was Boy George from the 80's. the follow'n year..i beat the fuck outta the dead Michael Jackson fer the top spot and the coveted 200 cold hard benjamins prize

when i decided goin as lil red ride'n hooker at VFW in Burnsville, MN

 with my aunt goin as some blood suck'n politician...i felt like Jodie Foster in the "Accused" right before bein' pillaged on top of a pinball machine by the 4 beer slugs empty'n their bladder in the boys room when i popped in to powder my nose and they figered out who i actually was

(it's sooo hard to be an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe sometimes...i swear)

this year though i'm think'n of skipp'n the hot factor all together and go a lil 

more political...WHY NOT?...and since were talk'n about things scarier that shit...if you haven't yet...check out Kathy's film regard'n said costume...in the blockbuster sleeper hit of the year "HELL OF A STORY"...we'll see if i break down to show a lil leg...in the meantime…i thought i'd give ya my top 10 list of the hottest...freakiest flix to watch in the dark this wicked season...with some Crisco and a kleenex

the original HALLOWEEN

FRIDAYTHE 13th

and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

cancel each other out cuz of too much of the hotness factor involved so on with the show...

10. FRANKENSTEIN

though it's been remade more than the beds at the bunny ranch...u can't go wrong with a classic can ya? and fer a monster...all tall and thick and who barely could put 2 words together...that's sorta fuck'n hot right there...and what self respect'n freek out there

hasn't wanted to toss some rich bitch into a lake...listen up WALL STREET!

9. SCREAM

plenty of hotties to be had in this flick...especially Skeet Ulrich

even if he is like the shopko version of Johnny Depp...apparently that rich bitch knew how to swim outta that lake years later…

but they made damn sure she didn't make it past the first 10 minutes in this fairly recent horror classic

8. PUMPKINHEAD

a fairly unknown late 80’s flick but has all the freak elements you need...starr'n Lance Henriksen…though he had cool green eyes

he just creeps me out all together...and that's k-i-n-d-a hot!

7. THE AMITTYVILLE HORROR (remake)

very very rivet'n sitt'n-on-the-edge-of-yer-seat performances by all...but the main reason to watch...is cuz of axe weild'n homicidal maniac

Ryan Reynolds…H-E-L-L-O!

6. THE CONJURING

based on hollyweirds "true stories" from the 70's...this ones about a farmhouse haunted by some annoy'n demonic presence...and the only one of the most recent flicks to really scare the pumpkin latte shit outta me...luckily fer me though...the buffer that i'd be a fluffer for in a demonic minute is

PATRICK WILSON...meeeeouch!

5. KILLER CLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE

though the soundtrack and actors in this B classic are cheesier than kraft macaroni…it stars 80's B movie hunk-o-rama Grant Cramer

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrravey on my mashed potatoes...and when you have clowns that can kill you with cotton candy and popcorn…

eat'n insulation and styrofoam pellets just ain't the same ever again!

4. WRONG TURN

nothing is freakier than being chased by a bunch of inbreds with an attitude...but more importantly it stars Desmond Harrington

(you can rescue me anytime…i swear)

3. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (remake)

this makes the original look like a fairy tale…except...you will feel the pain...plus scrumptious new comer...at the time anyways...Eric Balfour...will have you come'n in yer culottes again and again

(though sadly he will NOT return in the sequel…oops…sorry)

2. ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW

what h-weenie night would be complete...without a lil a-n-t-i-c-i-

p-a-t-i-o-n!...plus...Peter Hinwood...enough said!

who else can look hotter in gold lame shorts i ask you!
ps...don't even waste yer time with that crapolafest remake...cuz THERE IS NOOOO C-O-M-P-A-R-I-S-O-N!

1.ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK

this is my all time FAV spooktacularexpialidocious h-weenie flick…and NO not cuz of her enormous "endorsement deals"…

it's cuz of hot-to-trot daddy-o DANIEL GREENE

but on a side note...i did get to meet the MISTRESS with my good friend Peetrinella and some friends back in '94 at a trailer sign'n in Anoka, MN of all places...i went dressed as Alex from Clockwork Orange

after a drunken hayride…i made my way back to her trailer fer one more photo op…and the huge black bodyguard said Elvira only wanted to talk to ME…yes ME!!...she loved my look compared to the other slack jawed locals in line drool'n over her chest like a pack of starve'n mongolian baboons

and said she was in the process of gett'n ready to film a new movie and had thought of a great title to call it …"THE MISTRESS AND THE MATTRESS"…who am i to disagree? all i hadda do was to send her a professional 8x10 of me...though nothing was guaranteed (she signed another glossy fer me and put her address on the back) it took me 2 years after that meet'n…after Krystal Kleer was born…to get professional shots take'n…but by then the movie had come out called "ELVIRA'S HAUNTED HILL'S"

but alas…i was not in it…and YES to this day i kick myself

so get off my dress!