simply known to us Gen-X'ers as my punk passion fruit...BILLY IDOL...was burn'n up the charts with his unconventional punk promenade fer that long walk down the aisle with his smash hit "WHITE WEDDING" and i knew someday...i would be prance'n down to some promenade of my very own
i mean...if Mariel can do it...then why the H-E-double hockey stix can't i? after all...i was there the day it was officially signed into law
with my friend Karen and the blood suck'n breath'n apparatus she expelled from between her thighs...in the great state of 9,999 bottoms on july 1, 2013 (hey...not ALL of us queens are flame'n bottomless pits of Zima and regret)
well...low and behold...i'm here to tell you...that day has finally come!
BUTT...not what i had envisioned...so lemme back it up a bit!
earlier this year i received a frantically nail bite'n axe wield'n call from one
of my oldest and dearest...ummm friends fans wig stalkers...fer the past 10 or so years...(that reminds me...must remember to renew restrain'n order) who insisted that i meet her at this very moment in time...at some neighborhood eatery...to discuss some rivet'n news that she was sooo desperate to reveal to me...i thought what the H-E-double hockey stix is it now? she can't be preggers fer jimminey crickets...her eggs have been scrambled fer years...then i thought OH NO!
was this about another Britney breakdown and the cancel'n of her Vegas residency due to her father's ill health? (even though we Spearheads know damn well it was her dad Jamie...who supplied her with narcotics fer the past 11 years and committed her to a mental facility...just so he could siphon from her ginormous piggy bank)
dear god...JUST LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!
turns out...i jumped the gun on the whole Britney breakdown thingy and all
as it had absolutely ZERO to do with her bein' the first one to gimme the scoop on all the latest break'n Brit Brit gossip...NO...my "friend" said that she was plann'n on marry'n her long time partner in crime (who had his own lil Britney breakdown 9 years ago when he involuntarily volunteered his truck and his time...to transport my new couches into my newly acquired quaint lil shitbox of my very own...though it was like a game of fuck'n tetris just try'na get'em thru the damn doors)
after we had choked down our proverbial ceremonious bloody mary's...
said stalker got right down to the nitty gritty details of her devious plans...explain'n how she wanted to acquire the services of thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe...hey when you wanna quench yer thirst with the best...you don't order swill from the bottom shelf do you?
(much like you should never clip coupons when search'n out cosmetic surgery to retain a shimmer of yer youthfulness)
oh...HELLLL NO...you pick the premium on top! now where was i?...oh yea...she wanted me to basically walk down the aisle as a teaser tester before she would be make'n the final plunge as a single lady...fer the 2nd time...in a small but very unimportant majestic northern minnesota town...that apparently...they had frequented many times before
at first i thought...hey why not...i haven't give'n to any charitable charity at
this particular moment in time...(who knows who could be lurk'n in those woods) then i remembered...OH WAIT...there was that ONE time...but hey to my undefensible defense...that penicillin shot was well worth it...rent got paid on time fer a change (insert laugh here...like i'm worried about rent)
months later i was summoned once again to meet on some covert mission
at some undisclosed location in the uptown area of the Minne-Apple and discuss the exact deets to said diabolical plans that she had concocted in her devious lil head fer her big day
wait...you mean you were S-E-R-I-O-U-S?
since i had already fully fulfilled my charitable acts fer the entire year
(thanx to that one steamy nite when i got caught between the moon and some new Jack in the city) i decided to negotiate my rider demands fer said event...and they...like me...weren't gonna be simple:
i of course would need a security team of crotch grabb'n triplets
a small intimate corner room in a cornered off floor of the west wing of the closest castle
a helluva pad fer my helluva chopper
James Dietz from "Who's that Girl" fame to be my personal "handler"
accord'n to my good friends at Google...mister titillations...James Dietz...sadly has passed away...in 19 FUCK'N 87!!
ok...well scratch the "handler" then...that outta save her a few benjamins
Jesus...Mary Kate and Ashley Simpson on a cross...why am i always the last to know?
ANYWHO'ZLL'DING...
a crystal bowl in the shape of a patagonian penguin filled with hollowed out aqua marine M&M shells
permeate the air in my boudoir with Madonna's "NAKED"
a 6 pack of jolly rancher Zima
oh...and a jolly rancher to serve it to me in a chilled champagne flute
hey...i'm worth it!
my stalker...bein' very impetuous as she slurped down her 3rd grape ape
sangria...soaked up my obviously small suggestional demands...then suggested instead to negotiate my demands...by just gett'n me a free place to rest my plump lily white A-double snakes fer the weekend in the woods...with all the cocktails...cuisine and casual wearers one could ask for...plus a free ride up with her security detailers
see what i've had to put up with all these years kittens?
it's soo hard to be ME!
it's soo hard to be ME!
tune in next week fer the excruciate'n conclusion of "tale of 2 brides" pt2
have a spooktacular hweenie kittens and
GET OFF MY DRESS!
GET OFF MY DRESS!
