CHILLY DECEPTION

everyone of us could use a lil help during these try'n times don'tcha think?

what...with old mister snow miser doin his best fuck'n fancy Fred Astaire tap dance'n bullshit thru-out the entire country this past week…from the north to the south…west coast to the east coast…it was more than enough to make anyone feel like a frozen bag of birds eye peas

i myself felt the brunt of old man winter wake'n up to icicles hang'n off my 

barely there eyebrows in my humble lil garden level shitbox at the begin'n of the week that i practically felt like Solo encased in carbonite til my landlord finally dropped off materials so i could saran wrap the hell outta my windows and cut the chill in half then i just scraped off the loose asbestos cling'n to life on the boiler and jammed it between my toes and slipped into my recycled kleenex boxes fer slippers

BUTT…that ain't the worst

the south took an awful beat'n like they were pop sensation Rhianna and

forced to date Chris Brown again...unfortunately the worst end of the fist ended up give'n a good left then right hook to Yosemite Sam's back yard...have'n a root'n toot'n time of it all thru out the entire state... 

leave'n millions of Jack's and jack-off's without power or a peaceful nights sleep

however...no one had suffered the worst of this very surprise blizzard than 

state senator and Star Search's very own anal suppository spokesmodel...Rafael Edward Cruz...who had had enough of live'n in his walk-in freezer so thank CHER fer his quick think'n pooch Snowflake who noticed the pierce'n sub-zero predicament he was in and booked Teddy and his pedigree an all inclusive vaca to bask and bake under the sizzle’n sun and sand…suck'n sangria's on the beautiful beaches of Cancun Mexico for the week while Snowflake decided to stay behind and tend to the natural disaster destroy'n the state's infrastructure and defend their castle from all terrorists foreign and domestic...

seriously though...we all know that Snowflake had an ulterrier motive to have the family removed from the premisses fer the week!

unfortunately...that bloated bunny was busted while try'n to escape the chill

at the airport…then tenaciously tried tap dance'n his way outta the web he weaved by tell'n the press that he was just a father who had to travel 1300 miles to find run's water…heat and electricity like any heroic father who cared for his daughters would...after of course throw'n his offsprings under the bus claim'n they asked Snowflake to book them the vacation getaway first and that he was plann'n on take'n the next plane back to the states to get down to the biz as to how this disastrous disaster was able to happen on his watch once they made it to the hotel safely

ummm...if #TedFled was the captain of the titanic...the unsinkable Molly Brown would most likely have been fed to the fish...guaranteed!

and don’t miss his directorial debut in the blockbuster hit of the next election cycle loosely based on actual events...Ted stars as the bloated slither’n anal wart who does his damnedest to flee the frigid temps of texas in the dead of nite to cross the border by use’n his own daughters at political shields to save his sorry ass!

and if that wasn't enough fer Fleddy Teddy to contend with…on top of all

that…one of his fav-o-rit support ho's and Francis Buxton's dopplegagger/slobber'n mouthpiece for misogyny towards women that has infected the GOP party slowly but effectively since the late 80's who made his bread and butter as thee most sadistic smarmy salamander to strike the airwaves with his blatant vile vulgarities towards xenophobia and racism…a drug addled slug who rejoiced by doin the boot skoot and boogie live on the air to the latest disco hits every time a non heterosexual would succumb to AIDS or AIDS adjacent illnesses

took his final last dance with the devil days before all the shit hit his fan page!

now there might be those kittens out there that would say that regardless of

Limburger's atrocious antics…viral viciousness and schlocky rhetoric that has caused callousness thru-out the country for 30 plus years…he still had 4 wives and a family that loved him dearly (insert sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelain gods here) and that i outta be a wee bit more sensitive in his pass'n…i reflected on that thought for a moment and thought if his brothel of wives & his own family never spoke against him all these years...they are just as fuck’n vile...twisted and guilty as him...

then it hit me…late great screen goodness BETTE DAVIS had once spoke the most poignant yet comfort'n words of her dear friend JOAN CRAWFORD upon her death

"you should never say bad things about the dead…only good…Rush Limbaugh is DEAD…GOOD!"

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

tis the mis'ery

it's that time of the year once again...where everyone scammers to try 

and be the 1st one to bitch about the latest snow fall all across their social media planet...you know...as if the other millions of other people in the same predicament are blind as a shiver'n fuck'n bat and yer the one genius scholar with the intuition to start the bitchfest that'll last until at least march of the follow'n year usually

though i for one...say bring it the mutha fuck on!...that is until you fender fuck me on my way to my latest lubrication appointment...without any lube! 

(i know where yer dirty lil mind was goin you naughty lil kitten...and ya know what?...this time you'd be right!)

the blanket'n of the new fall'n snow is the perfecto time to wrap up with

that sorta someone who's somewhat sorta somethin' fer the next 15 minutes at the very least...who wants to unwrap you on the couch while watch'n some sorta feel good holiday flick...who ain't just some prick...just look'n fer yer dicktionary to try and figer out somethin ingenious to say...while braid'n each others thoughts

so there i was one chilly afternoon a while back...on the corner of pity avenue and desperado junction...with some locally socially retarded crypt

keeper try'na keep it on the "DL" at the moment...that i reluctantly had give'n my digits to after his insistent nagg'n fer them fer the past few months...to take with my vitamin D and B-12 and a glass of freshly squeezed misery...since he offered to shell out some shillin's fer some morn'n vittles and i figer'd...EH!...WHY NOT!

i knew i hadn't quite fulfilled my charitable quota fer the year...plus he was the best bet i bet on after spinn'n the roulette wheel of casualty encounters off the informational highway...otherwise known as whoreville...fer a chance to leave my lair and consume some fresh air

to his credit…he was visually appeal'n from his photos he sent me…and i'm sure he totally looked like that…ummm...like 20 maybe years ago!...but unless yer gonna hop on yer time machine trike to meet me in some parallel universe...or yer gonna slather my cornea's with petroleum jelly...

who do you think yer fool'n Muriel? suffice it to say...this lifetime movie of the weak couldn't score in a bunny whore house with a bushel of carrots...at least with me...at this juncture in the road!

now here me out!...age has NEVER been a problem with me…well unless yer a first grader or got a foot in the grave…but keep yer chin up…cuz i'm sure someone…somewhere out there…would find you completely and

utterly magically delicious!

instead of call’n him out from the obvious…i decided i would do my last charitable act of the year and entertain my headache…i'd usually leave out his name as to not embarrass or endanger his non existent mentality…but he has nothing to worry about…as i don't even recall what 

his name was…and ya know what though...i hadda thought...i just might have to send a gift to the guy or gal would invented the delete and block button feature on my cell phone…cuz i got plenty of good use outta it this year!

so this crypt non keeper…from the very get go…even before i had a mini

mynute chance to take off the carcass which was caress'n my slender neck...had spewed out about some X that he used to go with to his restaurant of choice...that i was now a part of unfortunately...but said X had left him fer someone 10 years younger after 10 minutes

REALLY…ya don’t say? he left YOU fer someone 10 years younger?

stop me if i'm wrong...but would it have anything to do with you being so fuck'n socially retarded?...1st off...catfish'n someone with decades old pix  of yer former self  DOES NOT WORK...unless of course yer on a date with Helen Keller lets just agree on that...2ndly...the only time you ever open up the X box on a 1st impressional date...is when you've been invited to that uncomfortable forgy or...

cuz yer old game'n system decided to take a shit on ya!

either case...pity party…table of one…yer table is ready!

though this arthritic ape was narcissistically delicious right down to his

bitter bones...turns out he had shit fer brains!

i was trapped in a hideous homo coma from hell fer the next hour and 47 minutes and 3 seconds away from bein' committed to Rikers Island fer fatally punch'n him in the throat in one swift jab!

this post party boi relic had the emotional commitment of an amazonian fruit fly...i swear! cuz ALL he talked about was the many X's that he had consumed before me...over the past 20 years…and how he now wants to stay with just that one person...who doesn't wanna do "a lot" of chemically induced recreational vacations

or have the desperate need to go to every white…black…pink hearts…yellow moons…green clovers or blue diamond circuit parties anymore…or even feel the need to become a wall flower at any given non heterosexual intoxicational establishment on any given nite of the week

as the bill appears…mr. anal wart was no longer feel'n the xmas spirit

and instead...calculated down to the last % the amount that was my portion…not that i had a prob pay'n my share mind you…even if he did ask me to have breakfast with him…but this guy alone could keep a therapist in a penthouse suite

ya know what...you walk'n cliché?…go tell Oprah…she cares!

cuz i sure as shit didn't anymore…NEXT!

later that nite i headed out to some local intoxicational establishments with my non heterosexualized entourage of 1 in from Oprahville to wash away our holidaze with some holiglaze amongst the sea of eye candy cold sores

play'n with their balls in the side pocket...as chilly as it was out though...thankfully pick'ns weren't all that slim...and though it was a non hormonal nite fer me after the previous date...let's just say if i were a fertile unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe kitten and all their legs were in a row this particular nite…i'da bore my 6th bastard child on the way to the powder room…

luckily though...i left with my purity shield in tact thankfully cuz i wasn't in the mood fer a side of penicillin with my pancakes in the morn'n

next destinational stop was to fulfill our visual stimulations and my guest

 suggested we see the professionally trained drugged induced "exotic dancers" down the street

as one drink turned into a corral of colorful cocktails...my outta towner was like an explode'n atm machine towards 2 of the professional trained
dancers one night stands who were as entertain'n as a box of newly

opened crayons...that is until ya started peel'n away the tragic wrapper which was their backstory that you were forced to listen to...while begrudgingly sacrifice'n last nite's meatloaf to the porcelain god

though i'm no judgmental judy when it comes to ones professional choices...i don't feel the need to justify my existence by putt'n myself in some narcissistic display case in a room full of hungry desperadovillians

(way'da'minute...how did this one get in here? *snicker*snicker*)

everything was fine to until my outta towner turned into a drunk debbie downer who just oops'd himself into the overrated category…by try'n to rip me a new A double snake hole just cuz i gave a $2 tip on a $11 bill

cheezus christ on a fuck'n crusty cracker...CHILL JILL!

ok…i've worked in the wait staffed industry in the past and by all means that was NOT bein' cheap regardless how hot he was…but of course my friend…now drunk…though coherent enough to see what i tipped...hadda

throw a bitch fit over my less than 50% generosity (which isn't even customary mind you) and demands me to give him a bigger tip…which in turn i told him he's more than welcome to up the ante…which ended up being another 6 benjamins thanx to him

though quite generous on his drunk part…this does not all of a sudden turn you into a viable candidate to make it to the bartenders bedroom...

that's his job as a bartender...to bat his false eyelashes at any drunk atm machine barely stand'n before him...but gurl puuuhleeeez!...this is not proposal paradise ya palpable prick!

i was glad i came out (even if i never got to myself) though i was never in

but lemme just tell ya...this day was no ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding a da ding de dong

shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom

chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop

dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo

boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-ed-y

shoo-by doo-wop she-bop

sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-y boom de boom

ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding-a de ding de dong

shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom

chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop

dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo

boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy

shoo-by doo-wop she-bop

sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-ty boom de boom

a wop ba-ba lu-mop...a wop bam boom moment...so until things change fer the better hopefully this holiglazed season...

GET OFF MY DRESS!

jingles jingles jingles

tis the season

it's that time of year

blessed are the homely

the hags...this silly queer!

snowflakes begin dance'n

from under nite skies of blue

an unintentionally internationally unknown ferry

with a package full of goo

tinsel and baubles

twinkle with delight

a fruitcake in wait'n

for someone's silent nite

the tree has been trimmed

with all of my love

i've scarred all the carolers

and burnt the damn dove

roast'n the chesnuts

champagne would be splash'n

you can bet yer pretty lil A double snakes sweetie darl'n

that i'll look absolutely smash'n

so i figered i'd try n lighten yer load...

with somethin' beefy...bright n bold

whether yer under the weather or just under the mistletoe...

with yer legs stapled to the ceil'n...here's a mix of my top 15 pieces of xmas ear candy from yer fav-o-rit unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n mo'...to mix in yer mix

#15 "do they know it's christmas" BAND-AID

one of my all time fav-o-rit charity jingles ever recorded...Mr. Geldof had his heart in the right place at the right time...but why fuck with perfection Bobby?...by rework'n the lyrics to fit today's crisis...i'm sorry but you basically wiped yer A double snakes with this one...oh and don't ferget yer blueberry stoli and 7

#14 "god rest ye merry gentlemen" ANNIE LENNOX

this melancholic song bird is as smooth as butter on a stack of pancakes breath'n life into this christmas classic...while finish'n off that family sized bottle of bourbon

#13 "december song" GEORGE MICHAEL

an intimately simple song that can melt the heart of the meanest grinch...or help you decided whether to cut up and down or across...while swigg'n on some back alley swill

#12 "hard candy christmas" DOLLY PARTON

she can do no wrong...but sometimes...somethin' so wrong like bein' alone fer the holidays...can feel so right...add in a manhattan to ease the joy of bein alone...yet again

#11 "all i want for christmas is you" MARIAH CAREY

 
one of her catchiest commercial pop tunes to date where she isn't dive'n into some damn pool look'n like some drenched fool...but i hadda hunt fer hours to find a recent pic of her that wasn't photoshopped to death...and much like her current tour...serve with gin on the rocks

#10 "santa baby" MADONNA

a puuurfect spin on a classic with her Betty Boop infusion...give'n this hit enough bad girl innuendo to heat up those cold winter nites...of course a godiva white chocolate martini is best with this one

#9 "you ruined my christmas" THE SUPREME FABULETTES

this trio delivers a kitschy lil carol that'll make ya think twice about bein' nice to that married man you met on unmatched.com...why not mix a lil chilled absinthe and champagne fer a lil death in the afternoon cocktail while yer at it

#8 "a christmas duel" CYNDI LAUPER and the HIVES

an infectious carol fer the whole fuck'n dysfunctional family to sing along to while toss'n back a couple of PBR's and toss'n around a few punches under the mistletoe 

#7 "christmas wrapping" THE WAITRESSES

fer those who feel like someone pissed on yer fruitcake...yer prayers have been answered...make sure ya gotta bottle of tequila near by

#6 "snow/heat miser song"  SNOW MISER and HEAT MISER

theme song too many Republicant's and Republicunts holiday parties...a shitty tom and jerry should do just fine

#5 "what's this?" JACK SKELLINGTON

of course no christmas list would be complete without a twist of halloween...and sipp'n on a mint julip

#4 "mele kalikimaka" BETTE MIDLER

put on yer pookoo shells and grass skirt...and prance around the palm trees with this mecca lecca high mecca hiney ho classic and yer fav-o-rit hawiian to punch...along with sex on the beach

#3 "i want a hippopotamus for christmas" GAYLA PEEVEY

this lil saccrinated slut cutie patootie belted out this chirpy lil number at the age of 10...prepare a lil virgin mary fer the lil kitties and while yer at it...throw in a future AA membership card

#2 "merry xxxmas" CHUNKY PAM

you asked for it GAYLA...and you got it!...you'll be stuffed listen'n to Pam inhale all those xmas fix'ns...and chugg'n on a long island iced tea

#1 "santa's baby" JACKIE BEAT

nothing says spread'n the christmas cheer more than that jolly ol' fat ass spread'n his meaty thighs to come down yer chimney after poke'n at ya like a christmas pinata...some mind eraser shots work perfectly with this one

there ya go...happy ho ho ho

now get off my dress!