R U SEAR-E-US-LEE?

everyone has dreams and wishes and hopefully most out there have had 

at the very least lived long enough to see at the very least one of them come to fruition that they thought of while mindlessly tumble'n down their own wonderous rabbit hole of the many many extravagant possibilities...from winn'n the lotto to rubb'n one out with their very own personal lovely lobotomized love slave that they could summon up with the simple snap of their fingers or blink of their almond shaped eyes

this list usually consists of many things that are either easily attainable or  

affordable though however sometimes it's downright absolutely asinine...nonetheless...these are yer very own personal accomplishments that you wanna revel in or get credit for doin' before you kick that almighty can in the cooter 

recently some tiktok'n twatter on twitter and some "influencer" on insta

decided it was gonna make their day and in my best interest if i would check and correct my grammarfication regard'n my own personal blog that they decided to infiltrate and peruse one lazy unfuckable afternoon cuz apparently they hadn't been fuck'd since the beginn'n of time so they figered they'd fuck with me...well after skimm'n thru their profile fer a quickie (of course) i soon realized that THEY were one of THEM!

so lemme guess...the makers of MANWICH should now come out with THEMWICH?

HALL and OATES should seriously rethink rerecord'n their black widow hit "MANEATER" into THEMEATER maybe?

perhaps yer temperamentally fragile ego would feel so much better if Marvel retitled the IRONMAN series into IRONTHEM?

and surely the residents of MANHATTAN would have zero issues and be particularly pleased as porcupine punch with their deliciously delightful dirty rat infested town bein' referred to as THEMHATTAN from this day forward?

ummmm let's just get real here kittens! the small portion of the "whiney"

wokers (and those older generational letters who wanna come off as some sorta "trendy" sympathize'n pair of chino's) that want to roll back the clock and completely cancel other generational letters freedom and fun times need to wake up and stop finger point'n and magic marker'n their picket signs when they wanna be seen as some delusional victim cuz of THEIR pronoun THEY decided to give THEMSELVES fer the past 5 years and THEIR only concern is how many "likes" THEY got fer THEIR pathetic post...cuz listen up...eventually (if yer lucky enough) you will make it to our age and the generation nipp'n at yer heels behind you will chew you up and spit you out just the same!

i WILL NEVER bow down to some made-up MING mentality...there will 

always be those who feel uncomfortable with what others did or do and said or say (it's all about context kittens) and if you think protest'n against those people not on yer same sensitive wave length by hold'n them accountable fer every little part of their past or destroy'n every part of their livelihood in the present just cuz yer not on board with their way of think'n and the only answer you will ever accept is if they change...GET BENT!

1st off...i have never been one to follow anyone's advice...i have never

been one to follow anyone's ass (unless it's some fav celeb of mine or i had some personal plunge'n interest in yers of course) and i certainly don't follow any leader...the mind-numb'n PC police nor the grammar gestapo...

I AM FOLLOWED! 

cuz lemme me edumacate you my fine fickle fucktard...most english

degree's end up become'n a doily of dead dreams on a dart board...attached to years of debt and ask'n you if you wanna super size yer fuck'n fries on a friday nite...2ndly here's hope'n THEY are double jointed cuz THEY can go FUCK THEMSELVES (since no one else will) and while i'm on a roll...here's a list of 10 more other things i don't ever plan on doin to appease someone else...let's just call it my "FUCK IT" list...why not!

don't get this confused with that lil black book of names and gold stars 

you've been carry'n around in yer back pocket fer a rainy day...oh no no no no NO!

this list basically is the anti BUCKET LIST...mean'n that...it's stuff i just 

ain't ever gonna do before i kick the proverbial can...regardless of the peer pressure or unfuckable fidget spinners...i thought about it long and hard (and NO i wasn't at the time...you dirty lil bird!) so without further ado... here is my top 10 FUCK IT! list

10. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna bungee jump...EVER!...so don't ask me!

i've experienced vertigo one too many times dur'in my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe career...and like i've always said...

if i wanna get a rush outta bein' high...i'll just add another inch to my heels!

9. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna swim in the big blue ocean...as long as 

    there are ANY sea creatures in them...

if i can't see the bottom...trust me...i'm not gett'n in...

sorry Charlie!

8. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna jump outta a private plane...with or without

     a parachute...even if it's about to crash land atop the Andes or deep in the Amazon forest...not on my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe life!

7. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna set sails on the mighty sea...i have never 

been a a fanatical fan of seafood...nor do i ever wanna become seafood...EVER!

6. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna feel scalpel to skin...fer vanity reasons

well...lemme clarify...if by some chance...i just happened to trip and fall unconsciously onto a cosmetic gurney dur'in my Blanch Devereaux years and become youthinized fer a few hours...is that really MY FAULT? i fer damn sure ain't gonna be clipp'n no damn coupons or download'n any BOGO deals from the internet...thanx to 80's heartthrob Mickey Rourke...who went from fuckable to forgettable

but i heard he's been give'n a 2nd chance with hollyweird and just landed the lead role in a live action christmas classic play'n the Heat Miser so good fer him

BUTT wait...there's more

5. FUCK IT!...i'm never ever gonna get a pet snake....there's is no way i 

ever want to wake up from one of my many narcoleptic naps to find some large ass slither'n snake slide'n in between my legs...

WAIT...lemme me clarify that one fer ya!

4. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna fake-n-bake my body...just to look like a 

   mongolian baboon's ass...it's just not happen'n! i like my smooth supple alabasterized ass the way it is

3. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna have a pussy fer a house pet...ever since 

my dearly departed friend Jeanie...who spent a large portion of her adult life try'n to snag a sympathetic husband on E-Harmony...in the end unfortunately had a brain aneurism in her late early 40's watch'n tv one day and when the paramedics found her 3 days later in the hot summer sun...her cat Luna (who incidentally always hated me) was gnaw'n at her toes...poor thing ended up in the end gett'n eaten by a pussy and she wasn't even lezbitronic to begin with

2. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna participate in the runn'n of the bull...watch'n 

  a bull fight in Palomas...or ever deal with yer bullshit! how does that old say'n go? FUCK with the bull yer gonna get the horns so this THEY/THEM is seriously hypathetically fucked (and not in the good way)

and the numbero uno FUCK IT on my list...

Drummond roll over in yer grave pleez...

1. FUCK IT!...i'm just neva eva gonna eat raw sushi...EEEEW!...it's just

     sooo unnatural and cringely creepy...to me! 

and don't none of you'z Jethro Clampett Maury Povich hemmorrhage'n

 drano douche'n dip shitt'n syphilis parade'n tyrannicalsaurus anti-vaxx'n vixen Ernest goes to camp mutha fuckers come after me fer anything on my list neither or you can bet you'll be pick' up yer teeth with broken fingers while try'na get a boot outta yer ass...KAPEESH!

there you have it kittens this concludes my FUCK IT! list fer now...why not

make yer own unfun and unfabulous list...and FUCK IT! 

GET OFF MY DRESS!

tis the mis'ery

it's that time of the year once again...where everyone scammers to try 

and be the 1st one to bitch about the latest snow fall all across their social media planet...you know...as if the other millions of other people in the same predicament are blind as a shiver'n fuck'n bat and yer the one genius scholar with the intuition to start the bitchfest that'll last until at least march of the follow'n year usually

though i for one...say bring it the mutha fuck on!...that is until you fender fuck me on my way to my latest lubrication appointment...without any lube! 

(i know where yer dirty lil mind was goin you naughty lil kitten...and ya know what?...this time you'd be right!)

the blanket'n of the new fall'n snow is the perfecto time to wrap up with

that sorta someone who's somewhat sorta somethin' fer the next 15 minutes at the very least...who wants to unwrap you on the couch while watch'n some sorta feel good holiday flick...who ain't just some prick...just look'n fer yer dicktionary to try and figer out somethin ingenious to say...while braid'n each others thoughts

so there i was one chilly afternoon a while back...on the corner of pity avenue and desperado junction...with some locally socially retarded crypt

keeper try'na keep it on the "DL" at the moment...that i reluctantly had give'n my digits to after his insistent nagg'n fer them fer the past few months...to take with my vitamin D and B-12 and a glass of freshly squeezed misery...since he offered to shell out some shillin's fer some morn'n vittles and i figer'd...EH!...WHY NOT!

i knew i hadn't quite fulfilled my charitable quota fer the year...plus he was the best bet i bet on after spinn'n the roulette wheel of casualty encounters off the informational highway...otherwise known as whoreville...fer a chance to leave my lair and consume some fresh air

to his credit…he was visually appeal'n from his photos he sent me…and i'm sure he totally looked like that…ummm...like 20 maybe years ago!...but unless yer gonna hop on yer time machine trike to meet me in some parallel universe...or yer gonna slather my cornea's with petroleum jelly...

who do you think yer fool'n Muriel? suffice it to say...this lifetime movie of the weak couldn't score in a bunny whore house with a bushel of carrots...at least with me...at this juncture in the road!

now here me out!...age has NEVER been a problem with me…well unless yer a first grader or got a foot in the grave…but keep yer chin up…cuz i'm sure someone…somewhere out there…would find you completely and

utterly magically delicious!

instead of call’n him out from the obvious…i decided i would do my last charitable act of the year and entertain my headache…i'd usually leave out his name as to not embarrass or endanger his non existent mentality…but he has nothing to worry about…as i don't even recall what 

his name was…and ya know what though...i hadda thought...i just might have to send a gift to the guy or gal would invented the delete and block button feature on my cell phone…cuz i got plenty of good use outta it this year!

so this crypt non keeper…from the very get go…even before i had a mini

mynute chance to take off the carcass which was caress'n my slender neck...had spewed out about some X that he used to go with to his restaurant of choice...that i was now a part of unfortunately...but said X had left him fer someone 10 years younger after 10 minutes

REALLY…ya don’t say? he left YOU fer someone 10 years younger?

stop me if i'm wrong...but would it have anything to do with you being so fuck'n socially retarded?...1st off...catfish'n someone with decades old pix  of yer former self  DOES NOT WORK...unless of course yer on a date with Helen Keller lets just agree on that...2ndly...the only time you ever open up the X box on a 1st impressional date...is when you've been invited to that uncomfortable forgy or...

cuz yer old game'n system decided to take a shit on ya!

either case...pity party…table of one…yer table is ready!

though this arthritic ape was narcissistically delicious right down to his

bitter bones...turns out he had shit fer brains!

i was trapped in a hideous homo coma from hell fer the next hour and 47 minutes and 3 seconds away from bein' committed to Rikers Island fer fatally punch'n him in the throat in one swift jab!

this post party boi relic had the emotional commitment of an amazonian fruit fly...i swear! cuz ALL he talked about was the many X's that he had consumed before me...over the past 20 years…and how he now wants to stay with just that one person...who doesn't wanna do "a lot" of chemically induced recreational vacations

or have the desperate need to go to every white…black…pink hearts…yellow moons…green clovers or blue diamond circuit parties anymore…or even feel the need to become a wall flower at any given non heterosexual intoxicational establishment on any given nite of the week

as the bill appears…mr. anal wart was no longer feel'n the xmas spirit

and instead...calculated down to the last % the amount that was my portion…not that i had a prob pay'n my share mind you…even if he did ask me to have breakfast with him…but this guy alone could keep a therapist in a penthouse suite

ya know what...you walk'n cliché?…go tell Oprah…she cares!

cuz i sure as shit didn't anymore…NEXT!

later that nite i headed out to some local intoxicational establishments with my non heterosexualized entourage of 1 in from Oprahville to wash away our holidaze with some holiglaze amongst the sea of eye candy cold sores

play'n with their balls in the side pocket...as chilly as it was out though...thankfully pick'ns weren't all that slim...and though it was a non hormonal nite fer me after the previous date...let's just say if i were a fertile unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe kitten and all their legs were in a row this particular nite…i'da bore my 6th bastard child on the way to the powder room…

luckily though...i left with my purity shield in tact thankfully cuz i wasn't in the mood fer a side of penicillin with my pancakes in the morn'n

next destinational stop was to fulfill our visual stimulations and my guest

 suggested we see the professionally trained drugged induced "exotic dancers" down the street

as one drink turned into a corral of colorful cocktails...my outta towner was like an explode'n atm machine towards 2 of the professional trained
dancers one night stands who were as entertain'n as a box of newly

opened crayons...that is until ya started peel'n away the tragic wrapper which was their backstory that you were forced to listen to...while begrudgingly sacrifice'n last nite's meatloaf to the porcelain god

though i'm no judgmental judy when it comes to ones professional choices...i don't feel the need to justify my existence by putt'n myself in some narcissistic display case in a room full of hungry desperadovillians

(way'da'minute...how did this one get in here? *snicker*snicker*)

everything was fine to until my outta towner turned into a drunk debbie downer who just oops'd himself into the overrated category…by try'n to rip me a new A double snake hole just cuz i gave a $2 tip on a $11 bill

cheezus christ on a fuck'n crusty cracker...CHILL JILL!

ok…i've worked in the wait staffed industry in the past and by all means that was NOT bein' cheap regardless how hot he was…but of course my friend…now drunk…though coherent enough to see what i tipped...hadda

throw a bitch fit over my less than 50% generosity (which isn't even customary mind you) and demands me to give him a bigger tip…which in turn i told him he's more than welcome to up the ante…which ended up being another 6 benjamins thanx to him

though quite generous on his drunk part…this does not all of a sudden turn you into a viable candidate to make it to the bartenders bedroom...

that's his job as a bartender...to bat his false eyelashes at any drunk atm machine barely stand'n before him...but gurl puuuhleeeez!...this is not proposal paradise ya palpable prick!

i was glad i came out (even if i never got to myself) though i was never in

but lemme just tell ya...this day was no ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding a da ding de dong

shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom

chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop

dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo

boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-ed-y

shoo-by doo-wop she-bop

sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-y boom de boom

ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding-a de ding de dong

shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom

chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop

dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo

boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy

shoo-by doo-wop she-bop

sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-ty boom de boom

a wop ba-ba lu-mop...a wop bam boom moment...so until things change fer the better hopefully this holiglazed season...

GET OFF MY DRESS!