SAIL AWAAAY...TO SENILITY!

picture it kittens...the year is 1971 and a charismatically sinister leader 

Alex DeLarge films his promo ad fer some potential hook-up video date'n service great expectations who's interest included classical music...anti socialism and pillage'n pussy at his discretion fer the sensationally sadistic film "A CLOCKWORK ORANGE"

a batshit crazy CHARLES MANSON does some demented hokey pokey tap dance after receive'n a life sentence fer the murder of SHARON TATE and her friends without fire'n a single shot or slash'n a single throat

2 quaffed feather heads and 1 follicley challenged brother known simply as the BEE GEES were burn'n up the charts with their smash syrupy break-up ballad "HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HEART"

and my 2nd brother not only steals my pampers…he also steals my spotlight 

oh "THOSE WERE THE DAYS"

i can remember my steroided other half who was 18 and a half years 

older than me that i dated fer 4 and a half years when i was 30 and a half (and yes that extra half always helps in the end especially when it comes to the end) HEMAN (or cock-suck'n mother-fuck'n pig-slutt'n whore as i used to affectionately call him on those bitter nites) would periodically tell me when he would be have'n a particularly roided rage day 

"wait til you get to be my age lil boy" to which i always replied "who fuck'n cares about yer age except YOU you cranky cocksucker cuz when i'm yer age yer STILL gonna be 18 and a half years older than me so shut the fuck up!" 

i've never had an issue with the thought of gett'n old...grow'n old or bein'

around those older than myself especially since no matter what i will always be the younger one anyways...it's just life...i myself like many others try to look the best at any age we've been give'n the chance to experience however i have absolutely zero desire to restart or reverse the age'n process since we're all just a carton of eggs with an expiration date

though some by a mate... 

and some by fate!

so recently as i was rearrange'n my dignity in my dilapidated dungaree's 

i received an urgent email in my in box that needed a skimm'n thru so i opened the message up to see what all the fuss was about and apparently i was bein' summoned to sail away to senile serenity and now was the time to book

listen here feline friends i'm finally at the age my X warned me all about

nonetheless i have ZERO fucks with that AT ALL nor do i have an issue with bein referred to as a senile senior especially by certain botoxed basturds who are roughly half my age that obviously can't deal with their own age since i'm over half a fuck'n century old with out a single prick to my puss but still apparently make'n the masses wonder how do i do it?

ummm my secret you may wonder? facials kittens and always spit...never swallow!  

BUTT however...

in case you needed a reminder to know you are regrettably forgettable

by advertisers who don't even bother to fact check their expiration dates on their own advertisements they send out…this was mine...however...don't worry kittens fer i've already set my egg timer

and am well prepared fer endless hours of "MURDER SHE WROTE" marathons without any irony…

while bein' served lime jell-o squares 3 times a day before bein hauled off to the glue factory…however

if you plan on dangle'n an expired promo in front of my face ever again future advertisers…it had better be at least about 9 1/2 throat plunge'n inches thick at the very least!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

A PHISH FRY

i've never a big fan of shoot'n the shit on a lazy weekend sipp'n on a cold 

24pack of elephant piss with yer posse while ripp'n out the jaws of our featherless friends in any given body of water with a bucket of chum fer fun...i'd rather drink drano shots and stick tooth picks in my toe nails to be honest

fer most of us that grew up durin' the 1970's our best friend was a polished

pebble that you'd tell all yer deepest darkest desires to fer a full summer...name 'em either Paulie...Petunia or Mr. Puss depend'n of course on the amount of nifty narcotics the fallopian curly slide carry'n you had consumed durin' yer conception before toss'n 'em into a puddle of piss in yer back yard

by the time you'd hit high school in the 1980's yer friends were determined

by the clicks you'd attach yerself to whether it be a brain...an athlete...a basket case...a princess or a criminal who would become glued to yer hips til graduation 

in the 1990's yer new circle of friends would rearrange as would yer DNA

while you racked up an impressive STD count desperately try'n to focus on yer career and yer causes

once the new millennium rolled around you've decided you'd had yer fair 

share of runn'n around and tried to settle down cling'n onto the handful of friends that hadn't O.D.'d  yet or ended up in a beautifully designed Balenciaga blouse with the straps that fastened in the back live'n in a 10x12 padded room listen'n to THE SINGING NUN "DOMINIQUE" on heavy rotation that you could count on in a crisis while reconnect'n with a few sprinkle'ns from yer past

unfortunately once you've hit yer prime those that you've reluctantly left in yer rolodex consist'n mainly of drunk nite dicks and dried up diaphragms

from yer past that you'd loosely call yer "close friends" at one point that you yerself would call upon periodically to check in on them and catch up with over drinks and some dried out nibbley's from time to time cuz they were too inconsiderate to bake a lovely peach pie to share while shoot'n the shit sadly have now used every excuse in the book to not be bothered with yer incessant check-ups by return'n the favor with a meaningless text to rinse themselves of any guilt like "awwww i was just think'n of you"..."awww i was just gonna call you" to "awww most definitely let's get together soon" and everyone's  fav-o-rit "who is this again?" which leads you to end up have'n to find yerself a whole new batch of booze'em buddies to become yer plus one at yer next AA prom nite

so there i was one early morn'n durin' one of my many in the middle of the

nite piddle parades before covid reeked havoc on my schedule...jump'n back into my coffin to try and count a few more sheep before sunrise which rarely ever happens instantly fer me so i'd log online to see what wise crack heads or colostomy bags were awake fer a lil chitter chatter and on this particular early morn'n instantly i'd received a smile emoji from some age appropriate silver surfer after logg'n in and decided to bite by respond'n appropriately...3 hours later my response was just simple syrup as i made my sacrificial meatloaf 

(ps my responses are in a burnt apricot shade fyi)

though after wait'n 5 minutes or so fer a response when no interaction happened…

it just so happened that i had still felt like the lollipop guild was doin the neutron dance on top of my noggin so i lowered the covers on my coffin and started count'n down the 100 bottles of beer on the wall (that i should'a never consumed) til my eyeball awnings dropped

about an hour and half later i would once again rise from my sleepless

nite and logged back on to notice a response from my new narcoleptic napper so we exchanged the proverbial plausible pleasantries

BUTT of course...

mister man would skip the pleasantries and get right to the point of which

i can totally appreciate and was perfectly fine with me since i was only look'n fer a lil bit of back and forth banter that early morn'n anyways

til i hadda run and get my home lobotomy perm from the next door neighbor who'd already moved out 12 years earlier 

hmmm errands? that's sorta an odd request i had never been asked yet

before nonetheless inquire'n minds wanted to know...ya know...WHY NOT? so i chomped on the bucket of chum from my new buffed up bum plus it'd get my outta the house and i could finally cross off my one charitable act of the year

he had now caught my attention and i could only hope this would bring 

me some fuck'n good luck fer a change since i never got to cash in on my alter boy days like all those other lucky fuckers did!

dammit all to fuck'n H-E-double hockey stix...NOT AGAIN!

well...so much fer a glimmer of hope with my newly acquired middle of the nite casanova though i wasn't about to let him off the hook just yet cuz my barrel was 10 days loaded and was beyond ready to bust all over his mug

as much as i wanted to grasp on the tiny glimmer of hope he might'a been actually real...i knew i needed a story fer the follow'n week so i figered this was my opportunity to show off my creative write'n skills of course

though i was absofuckinlutely beside myself when he didn't get the references however it narrowed down where they were most likely contact'n me from 

don't they teach you when you should really pack up yer chrome book 

and abort yer phish'n expedition in the Czech Republic or Mozambique anymore? that's like phish'n 101 i'd think

though i really should consider myself lucky that i don't like zima on ice

 with a big mac and a side of hot~n~spicy curly fries

so since my savvy suitor couldn't quite understand my southern charm...i decided to spell it out fer him as i wept wish'n him all the best on his next 

victim filled adventure hope'n someone somewhere would bequeath him his request with a bounty of gift cards more than he could ever imagine...

then i promptly reported his profile to the proper penial denial authorities

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

a long time ago...

with all who's been maliciously reek'n havoc across the entire planet lately

from the Ukraine crisis in BUCHA to a bloated undercooked blood sausaged scrotal sack tarnish'n her tiara reign over KETANJI BROWN JACKSON nomination to everyone STILL talk'n about that bitch slapped back hand sammich the FRESH PRINCE fried up fer the pint sized ROCK that was felt across the globe i barely had time to collect my deviously dirty thoughts and quite frankly to be honest unless it's related to my covid...pregnancy or aids test...i can honestly say i no longer wanna deal with any more of this fuck'n negativity this week!

BUTT...what else is new?

so after spend'n hours riffle'n thru my buried treasures from...well...let's just stick with many many MANY moons ago...shall we?...i came across

(hey...keep it clean pervie's) the very 1st short story that i had ever written fer a paper in my tender teenage angst years back in 1986 when i was but 15 tenderly and supple years young durin' type'n class that i believe was the only A i had ever received in said class (since i only did this very one particular assignment thee entire course of course that year) which is probably the only reason why i saved the paper which would become a sorta precursor to what i would eventually become many many MANY moons later on in life...that i simply titled:

"SOME LIKE IT HOT"

though this had absolutely nothing to do with Marilyn...nor have i edited this school paper since i wrote it & YES i used proper punctuation back in the days as you will notice so sue me cuz i didn't keep it up! now hold on to your patience & let's begin...shall we?

Sure you are probably sick of these long days of the below zero temperatures. You dream of sailing away to some exotic island like

Bermuda or Jamaica, laying on the beaches sucking up as many possible coconut drinks as your gut can take in and soaking up all the harmful ultra-violet rays from the sun until your body turns to a rotten brown and large bubbles of fleshy juices grow on your back.

Well, there is one place you can escape the cold, bitter death of winter. But this is not just an ordinary "come and go as you please" resort.

Nor is it a tourist attraction, though many people hear stories about how to get there. Keep in mind though, that if you enter, there is no exit.

I've been here once before. it's the perfect place i would love to see half this demented world live. Some actual human beings showed me how to

escape, but other grotesque forms of life calling themselves humans, are trying to get me committed again. Fear not, i shall never return.

I do still have some vivid memories of my once in a lifetime "home away

from home" vacation. I'll do my best to recap all of the heart-aching, back breaking, head twisting details as i can.

The first thing I remember about this place was that there was cherry-hot lava everywhere, oozing out from the sides of the walls like blood clots dripping out of an open heart wound. Giant crater-like ant hills spread about on the floor were also filled with the lava. Every time that a pocket of

air would get trapped inside the lava, it would pop as it reached the opening. I could hear the lava splatter and sizzle as it hit the charred rock floor. I did my best to avoid the splatters, but one small glob of lava scorched the side of my upper left leg. I was kind of glad that it happened, because it got rid of a sick and repulsive tattoo of a dirtball rabbit a friend put on me one night when i was loaded.

side not...apparently...my teacher noted that this last sentence was NOT relevant to my description in her notes...BITCH PUHLEEZ...this was MY

STORY...plus...i was a teen with 'tude fer fuck sakes...

E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G was relevant!

The steam from the thin cracks beneath my feet was so intense that it felt like a pack of wolves were puncturing my eyeballs with their sharp nails.

The heat wasn't any better. It was like I was sitting next to an egg and two slabs of bacon in a frying pan. Any minute I knew my body was going to be burnt to a crisp. So i started running around in a circle to try and create a small breeze.

After some time my feet were helplessly screaming for me to rest. So I found a rock that wasn't surrounded by lava and took a little break. The bottoms of my tennis shoes were melting off so I took them off and scraped the rest of the rubber that had stuck to the bottom of my feet.

Stroking the under-half of my feet, I felt the rush of a stinging feeling like i was being cut by every piece of paper in the world. The stinging got worse as a small amount of steam hissed out from beneath my feet. So I took off my shirt and ripped it in half and tied each piece around my feet.

I hadn't noticed it earlier, but as I grabbed in two huge breaths of air, the stench in the air was so putrid that every breath thereafter would burn the

insides of my throat and nose. Desperately I needed to find some water. I jumped to my feet, ignoring the tremendous amount of pain, and proceeded down a long, dark tunnel.

Upon finding a new tunnel, I noticed a change in the scenery. This path was much more narrow than the others. The walls had only small amounts

of lava seeping out of the tiny cracks. Steam from the ground was as hot as a sauna back home. Things were happening that were good for a change. I kept a stiff upper lip and hoped for a better outlook.

as I progressed further and further into the tunnel, the lava grew less and the steam got as cool as the summer nights. Then, in the clearing up ahead, I saw a bright and blinding light appear. As I moved closer to the light, still unable to see anything, noises started calling out my name.

Each had its own distinct tone of voice. Still squinting, I heard my name repeated and repeated over and over again. It sounded like a bunch of munchkins from the land of OZ. As the noises got louder and louder the pounding in my ears got worse.

I was too curious to see who was calling my name, that i didn't bother to worry about if I was going to go blind if i opened my eyes. I got down and laid on my back. Relaxing every muscle in my body I concentrated on

opening my eyes. I had gone through so much excruciating pain and over-exhaustion that it was hard to open my eyelids. For a second I paused. Then I proceeded to push every muscle in my body into my eyelids. With the start of my engine, I popped open my eyes. I had awakened.

now GET OFF MY DRESS!