the GREAT SUGAR SHUFFLE pt 1

close yer eyes and picture it kittens...the time...let's just go with the 16th

century...why not!...scattered with fair maidens...bumble'n sheriffs and a witty acherist fox...with his band of merry men..who could shoot an arrow that could dance thru the air like the precision of the russian ballet...who stole from the rich and gave to the poor

awwwwwwwwwww!

now let's hop in our delorean...and fast forward to 3 centuries later

where corruption and chaos ensued across a centralized area of the US...

thanx in part to thee most famous duo...and i ain't talk'n about Orelean & Jarvis Hufflenagel and his terrify'n tambourine act...

no...i speakith of one Bonnie and Clyde...and their bank robb'n bandits...who terrified the country in the 1930's...steal'n from the banks and basically not give'n back to the those suffer'n from the great depression...which seriously...i'da give'n em a pass if they had...banks are FDIC insured fer that sorta shit anyways!

and of course who couldn ferget about Breathless Mahoney dance'n fer her dolla's under the clutches of Big Boy Caprice and his band of misfits in the early 90's

i myself also got caught up in the romance of the wild wild midwest...

back in summer of 1985 to be perfectly honest...simply outta sheer boredom one nite of course...cuz SIMPLE MINDS damn video fer "don't you forget about me" was still the #1 video fer the 4th straight week on Mtv's top 20 video countdown in may of that year...which i was like completely over it 3 weeks earlier...as you could imagine...

totally hogg'n the spotlight from M's teenage crush ballad "crazy for you"

although it did knock out that annoy'n as fucklestix charity whiner "we are the world"...even if the song was fer a good cause...plus...i just felt LaToya was lyp-sync'n thee entire time

BUTT...F-O-C-U-S....

anywho'z'll'ding....let's get back to the story

so my friend...we'll call him fer the purposes of anonymity...hmmmm...

gimme one sec...oh i know...how about X-a-v-i-e-r...(even though he was far from bein' some sorta exotic brazillian adult entertainer)

he looked more like some pill popp'n alcoholic housewife with insomnia issues...in acid wash jeans...(hey it was 1985...don't be a judgmental judy) he called me up frantically one even'n in the summer of '85 and told me to high tale my plump and supple A double snakes out to his place...like pronto!

feel'n the urgency in his voice...i scurried up the steps to my bathroom

and reapplied my bonnie bell uncola...but totally cool...lip smacker...due to the fact that my lips were dry as fuck that particular even'n cuz of the barometric pressure in the air...or lack there of (i think)...winged my eyes with my jet black wet n wild eyeliner once again...rebuilt my bug shield with extra super hold aqua-net...

and hopp'd on my schwinn mobile (anise red)...and flew like a hornet in heat to his home in Homer...which was approximately a leisure 20 minute bike ride...though i knew he wanted me there yesterday...so i hadda pump up my cardio fer the even'n and fly thru the bike paths around lake Winona like a bat outta hell...

which...anyone grow'n up in the 80's on a hot humid nite knows NEVER to bike around the lakes of Winona...unless you wanna be viciously attacked by an army of fish flies

once i reached the other end of the lakes...my entire bonnie bell uncola 

smacked lips...were no longer cool but more like a sticky land'n strip...and my aqua-netted bug shield looked more like a Pablo Pissed-off-Caso masterpiece with suicidal fish flies...each harpooned by my sharp split ends...(i was neither happy...nor hungry fer this adventure in the middle of the nite any longer)

by the time i reached my final destination...i noticed a vend'n truck in Rick's...i mean Xavier's driveway...his mother "Matilda" (more on her in another post)...rented the upstairs of her house to a guy who worked fer the local vend'n machine company...and apparently came home one even'n a bit inebriated and fergot to check if the doors of his vend'n truck

 were locked....so Xavier...always bein' a bit of a snoopy snop that he was...found out the renter fergot to lock the back doors of his truck...and when we opened the doors...we hit the mother fuck'n load of confectionery delights...

it was like a diabetics dream house inside!

thought my taste buds were more in tune with the dolly madison delights...

what normal 15 year old is gonna pass up the opportunity to have a school years worth of bribery fer the classroom fucktard to leave you alone 

as me...Xavier and his nephew and my bff at the time...that we'll just refer

to him as Big Lipps from here on out...flung open the massive twinkie embossed doors with all our might and jumped up inside the unlit truck...in the still of that dark humid july nite...

i barely made it 2 feet inside before i ended up stubb'n my fake doc marten combat boot and flopp'n over on a heavy object that projectiled me to the front of the van...so Xavier jumped out quick to grab a flashlight from Big Lipps  ma's gold lamae colored pinto blow-about mobile that we planned on use'n as our get-a-way car...to see what was block'n our stash of sugary satisfactions fer years to come

once Xavier had assessed the situation with his roam'n flashlight...

we found somethin' so more that what we thought we would EVER expect to my surprise...

tune in next week fer the conclusion to the GREAT SUGAR SHUFFLE...

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

CHER'N IS CARE'N

picture it kittens...it was the year 1965...and the tv series starr'n funny gal

the vivaciously knee slapper LUCILLE BALL was finally filmed in brilliant technicolor show'n off her hot tamale locks in all her glorious color on the #1 series "THE LUCY SHOW"

a young JULIE ANDREWS portrayed the real life MARIA VON TRAPP

in a post WW2 world...spinn'n around like a tomboyish postulant sing'n like a songbird in the fields of some Austrian mountain top in the #1 film "THE SOUND OF MUSIC"

BUTT (more importantly)

a very young 19 year old CHERILYN SARKISIAN makes her very 1st #1

hit on the airwaves with her floor mopped mini musical muffin man SONNY with "I GOT YOU BABE" in aug of 1965 off the album "LOOK AT US"

after a successful series with her biz partner in and outta their shaggy 

burnt orange boudoir in the mid 1970's CHER would climb outta their bed with the pedal to the metal on her very own...steam'n full speed ahead to her 2nd #1 hit with "GYPSIES TRAMPS AND THIEVES" of the album of the same name in novem of 1971 at 25

once the 1980's rolled around...CHER would finally unwind her ravenous

luscious locks and by the summer of 1989 CHER would make it back to the top spot fer the 1st time on the adult contemporary charts with her 3rd #1 butt bare'n rock ballad "IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME" when she was give'n maxi pads half her age a run fer their money at 43 from the album "HEART OF STONE" 

before the new millennium would begin CHER would once again achieve

 global domination with her massive 4th #1 pulsate'n floor thumper and thee best break-up after math ass shake'n anthem with "BELIEVE" in march of 1999 off her 22 album at 53 from the album of the same title which was also the 1st of many...many...M-A-N-Y "farewell" tours i would be forced to attend thanx to my damn subconscious (tell'n me this "could be" her last time) and also the 1st time i ever would perform as CHER at an AIDS charity (waive'n my performance fee) and i had made that exact headdress from above fer $6 from crap at Axman supplies (that unfortunately melted into a ball of congealed goop in my closet durin' a very hot and humid summer the follow'n year)

after a post 9/11...CHER would return with a snappy dance romp'n tribute 

with "SONG FOR THE LONELY" her 5th #1 in march of 2002 and more popular than ever at 55 from the album "LIVING PROOF"

by the winter of 2010 CHER proved age was just a number in novem 

when she starred opposite CHRISTINA AGUILERA in the campy drama "BURLESQUE" at 64 and hit her 6th #1 hit off the movie soundtrack with "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME" 

and just when you thought that you heard more than yer share of another

remake and remodeled xmas tune...at 77 fanfuckintabulous years CHER has now become thee ONLY artist to have a #1 hit in 7 consecutive decades with her latest #1 xmas anthem "DJ PLAY A CHRISTMAS SONG" off her very 1st xmas album simply titled "CHRISTMAS" cuz WHY NOT! it's fuck'n CHER!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

MEDICATED MELODIES

durin' the delicious decadence of the 1980's everyone with all the means

were try'na get everything from their hair high...their heels high and their self consciousness even higher...with glamourize'n hits like "THE TIDE IS HIGH" by bad-ass beauty DEBBIE HARRY lead singer from the new wave 70's and 80's super group BLONDIE...

and hot to trot daddy you could spot out on any give'n nite at the VFW HUEY LEWIS from THE NEWS begg'n "I WANT A NEW DRUG" how could anyone resist the temptation of try'n it out just fer the simple titillation of it all

contrary to popular belief...i'm here to tell ya...not EVERYONE indulged in the hedonistic heroin sheikness of the hairspray hay days

i know i wasn't the only one who listened to Mrs. Reagan in the 1980's

when her uptight bloused bowties discreetly labeled the underbellies of all those highly saccrinated lemonhead box tops

that i would occasionally O.D. on as a teenrager with her message of "JUST SAY NO!"

i never felt the need to be the "cool kid" on the block to try whatever new 

narcotic was pushed in front of my fresh…milky white…nubile body...to feel like i'm fly'n on a celestial cloud of stupidity...amongst the pink hearts…the yellow moons…the orange stars…the green clovers…or the blue diamonds even if those around me chose to

well there was that time from 1993-1994 when i was a guinea pig 

fer the government...however...i got paid for take'n that shit so there's a BIG DIFFERENCE!

i learnt my lesson…but apparently some people didn't listen to SHANNON

when she so fiercely belted out "LET THE MUSIC PLAY"

durin' the 1960's we were still smack in the middle of the VIETNAM war 

and the only way to cope with it was to smack yerself upside yer mind with mind blow'n "alternatives" which was brought to you by the lyrics "you know feel'n' good was good enough for me…good enough for me and my Bobby McGee" thanx to mezzo-soprano rock'n vocalist and war activist JANIS JOPLIN...unfortunately she's been feel'n good fer eternity since she died october 4th, 1970 of a heroin overdose at the age of 27

with the punk movement come'n to a decline by the end of the 1970's

 no one stood out more in the movement than lead singer SID VICIOUS of the SEX PISTOLS who incoherently mumbled out "and now the end is near and so i face the final curtain...ha ha ha you cunt...i'm not a queer…i'll state my case  of which i'm certain...i've lived a life that's fool and each and every highway…and more, much more than this…i did it my way" and he did it his way when SID died february 2nd, 1979 of a heroin overdose at the age of 22.

with the height of grunge in the 1990's came the low points when leader 

of the biggest band of the decade KURT COLBAIN of NIRVANA sang "with the lights out it's less dangerous…here we are now entertain us…i feel stupid and contagious" and he's been entertain'n himself after he died april 5th' 1994 from a single gun shot wound with a high concentration of heroin and valium found in his system at the age of 27

already a #1 hit when 1st released in 1974 and then once again it was #1 

in 1982 by country goddess DOLLY PARTON...however by the time 1992 rolled around "I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU" was cemented on the charts fer 14 weeks thanx to the remake by WHITNEY HOUSTON...unfortunately WHITNEY wasn't sing'n it to an old biz partner as much as she was to her addiction demons that would take control of WHITNEY by feb 11th, 2012 at the age of 48

by the 2nd anniversary of COVID...the teen rapper who rode on the tails of

his brother's boy band BACKSTREET BOYS in the late 90's and early 2000's...AARON CARTER had it all...fame...fortune and fans around the world though unfortunately had one too many fun times when he was found by his maid service in his bathtub of an apparent overdose on novem 5th, 2022 at the age of 34 (which is still TBD)

then a few days after the Golden Globes which aired on jan 10th, 2023

the only daughter of the King of Rock-N-Roll LISA MARIE PRESELEY had suffered a cardiac arrest twice and eventually put into a medically induced coma before succumb'n to her health issues on jan. 12th 2023 at 54 years old and though it's still unknown what the actual cause of her cardiac arrest was pend’n the toxicology report…i'm pretty sure 5 stints in rehab fer drug use didn't help her health and probably played some unfortunate part in her early demise

though there's no question that each and every one of these entertainers 

were 100% talented in their own right...nonetheless they should NOT be branded as the GREATEST of their time cuz if they were really that great dont'cha think they would still be here make'n music?

now don't go jump'n down my throat and say i am being insensitive and 

heartless cuz yes i know they have family...i know they have friends and i know they have fans that will miss them terribly (include'n their drug dealers) however...leave it to the corporate piggly wiggley's to turn a tragedy into a cash cow milk'n these above mentioned artists and many others to fill their own heartless piggy banks...instead of say'n to them and those who might have had the chance to shine in the spotlight "look here (fill in the blank) if you can't control the demons that are eat'n away at you and seek help you will no longer be around...PERIOD!" 

though in the same breath (since i nor most of you read'n this were probably never there when they signed the contract to begin with) maybe they were told plenty of times over and over they're kill'n themselves and they  just couldn't get over whatever it was that was eat'n away at them

ultimately in the end...we are ALL responsible for ourselves!

BUTT...it's not all that bad

plenty of talented musicians have slayed their "party monster" demons

and still live on to let the music play...most notably of course is BOY GEORGE

when way back in the late 80's was said to have only 8 weeks to live (i even secretly held a vigil in my room hope'n it would never come to fruition)

BOY would eventually kick his drug addictions a few times thru-out his

 brilliant "karma" career after bein' subjected to clean the streets of the big apple for 5 days in 2006...

and unfortunately 3 years later would do 4 more months in Edmunds Hill prison in 2009 til he finally cleaned up his act fer good...even take'n a poke at his time behind bars with his cheeky hit "PENTONVILLE  BLUES"

BOY never realized until now how lucky that he is to have the longevity in his career that most musicians would dare to dream of...Boy George is 61 today and is still making music

the queen of the dance floor has even admitted to dabble'n in drugs durin'

the early days of her career but has also said "it wasn't the smartest thing" she's ever done...she would rather rule the world as she told DICK CLARK on AMERICAN BANDSTAND in 1984 and she has...

at 64 MADONNA is still make'n music and is set to take the stage later this year fer the 40th anniversary with her greatest hits spann'n her entire career into a massive tour to beat all tours

DEBBIE HARRY admitted that she herself fell to the addiction with many 

drugs dur'in her career until she became addicted to heroin for 2 years after being dropped by her label...with the IRS seize'n all her assets and home and her manager quitt'n on her at the same time...DEBBIE finally sought help with the help of her then boyfriend Chris Stein and kicked her habit for good and went on to be a complete success...dropp'n a string of amaze'n hits from "CALL ME" to "SUGAR ON THE SIDE" released in 2014...

DEBBIE HARRY is 77 today and has no plans of slow down in the senior center

OZZY OSBOURNE had battled roughly 40 years of drugs and alcohol 

abuse nonetheless finally conquer'n his demons thanx to his wife Sharon who offered to manage him as a solo artist...

and at 74 OZZY dropped his 13th studio album with the track "ONE OF THOSE DAYS" in the fall of 2022

recently i ran into an X of mine whom i had made music with years ago

(though not in a studio sett'n per say...more like my studioish shitbox if ya catch my drift) that was struggle'n with his own narcotic nightmares at the time and it seemed like he was in a better place from what i could witness while i was buy'n an onion...see...it can be done!

so for any of you think'n about mainline'n whatever someone may offer  

you just to see how it feels (though i don't condone it) i won't condemn those who do...it's yer fuck'n life...do with it what you will!

though don't get mad at anyone if the house falls down on top of you…

the help is there if you want it

in the end…if i wanna get high i’ll add another inch to my heels

now GET OFF MY DRESS!