i've never a big fan of shoot'n the shit on a lazy weekend sipp'n on a cold
24pack of elephant piss with yer posse while ripp'n out the jaws of our featherless friends in any given body of water with a bucket of chum fer fun...i'd rather drink drano shots and stick tooth picks in my toe nails to be honest
fer most of us that grew up durin' the 1970's our best friend was a polished
pebble that you'd tell all yer deepest darkest desires to fer a full summer...name 'em either Paulie...Petunia or Mr. Puss depend'n of course on the amount of nifty narcotics the fallopian curly slide carry'n you had consumed durin' yer conception before toss'n 'em into a puddle of piss in yer back yard
by the time you'd hit high school in the 1980's yer friends were determined
by the clicks you'd attach yerself to whether it be a brain...an athlete...a basket case...a princess or a criminal who would become glued to yer hips til graduation
in the 1990's yer new circle of friends would rearrange as would yer DNA
while you racked up an impressive STD count desperately try'n to focus on yer career and yer causes
once the new millennium rolled around you've decided you'd had yer fair
share of runn'n around and tried to settle down cling'n onto the handful of friends that hadn't O.D.'d yet or ended up in a beautifully designed Balenciaga blouse with the straps that fastened in the back live'n in a 10x12 padded room listen'n to THE SINGING NUN "DOMINIQUE" on heavy rotation that you could count on in a crisis while reconnect'n with a few sprinkle'ns from yer past
unfortunately once you've hit yer prime those that you've reluctantly left in yer rolodex consist'n mainly of drunk nite dicks and dried up diaphragms
from yer past that you'd loosely call yer "close friends" at one point that you yerself would call upon periodically to check in on them and catch up with over drinks and some dried out nibbley's from time to time cuz they were too inconsiderate to bake a lovely peach pie to share while shoot'n the shit sadly have now used every excuse in the book to not be bothered with yer incessant check-ups by return'n the favor with a meaningless text to rinse themselves of any guilt like "awwww i was just think'n of you"..."awww i was just gonna call you" to "awww most definitely let's get together soon" and everyone's fav-o-rit "who is this again?" which leads you to end up have'n to find yerself a whole new batch of booze'em buddies to become yer plus one at yer next AA prom nite
so there i was one early morn'n durin' one of my many in the middle of the
nite piddle parades before covid reeked havoc on my schedule...jump'n back into my coffin to try and count a few more sheep before sunrise which rarely ever happens instantly fer me so i'd log online to see what wise crack heads or colostomy bags were awake fer a lil chitter chatter and on this particular early morn'n instantly i'd received a smile emoji from some age appropriate silver surfer after logg'n in and decided to bite by respond'n appropriately...3 hours later my response was just simple syrup as i made my sacrificial meatloaf
(ps my responses are in a burnt apricot shade fyi)
though after wait'n 5 minutes or so fer a response when no interaction happened…
it just so happened that i had still felt like the lollipop guild was doin the neutron dance on top of my noggin so i lowered the covers on my coffin and started count'n down the 100 bottles of beer on the wall (that i should'a never consumed) til my eyeball awnings dropped
about an hour and half later i would once again rise from my sleepless
nite and logged back on to notice a response from my new narcoleptic napper so we exchanged the proverbial plausible pleasantries
BUTT of course...
mister man would skip the pleasantries and get right to the point of which
i can totally appreciate and was perfectly fine with me since i was only look'n fer a lil bit of back and forth banter that early morn'n anyways
til i hadda run and get my home lobotomy perm from the next door neighbor who'd already moved out 12 years earlier
hmmm errands? that's sorta an odd request i had never been asked yet
before nonetheless inquire'n minds wanted to know...ya know...WHY NOT? so i chomped on the bucket of chum from my new buffed up bum plus it'd get my outta the house and i could finally cross off my one charitable act of the year
he had now caught my attention and i could only hope this would bring
me some fuck'n good luck fer a change since i never got to cash in on my alter boy days like all those other lucky fuckers did!
dammit all to fuck'n H-E-double hockey stix...NOT AGAIN!
as much as i wanted to grasp on the tiny glimmer of hope he might'a been actually real...i knew i needed a story fer the follow'n week so i figered this was my opportunity to show off my creative write'n skills of course
though i was absofuckinlutely beside myself when he didn't get the references however it narrowed down where they were most likely contact'n me from
don't they teach you when you should really pack up yer chrome book
and abort yer phish'n expedition in the Czech Republic or Mozambique anymore? that's like phish'n 101 i'd think
though i really should consider myself lucky that i don't like zima on ice
with a big mac and a side of hot~n~spicy curly fries
so since my savvy suitor couldn't quite understand my southern charm...i decided to spell it out fer him as i wept wish'n him all the best on his next
victim filled adventure hope'n someone somewhere would bequeath him his request with a bounty of gift cards more than he could ever imagine...
then i promptly reported his profile to the proper penial denial authorities
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
