FANN'N THE FLAMERS

what a weeks it's been...with the heat index rise'n up like a fickle phoenix 

from the proverbial flames make'n it as hot as a hooker at a hootenanny ho-down in Havana...i finally broke down and ran to the $1.25 store and picked up a roll of leftover Lilo and Stitch duct tape from 10 years ago to MacGyver up my air condition'n unit in the live'n room window to give me some much needed relief in my briefs...sweat'n like a banshee in the Bermuda Triangle while listen'n to my Connie Francis 45 collection and thankfully 45 minutes later it was up and runn'n make'n it feel like i was kick'n it down the frozen food section of the Piggly Wiggly in my Holly Hobby flannel nitey with the butt cut out

last time i remember it bein this hot out was when i woke up one morn'n 

barely able to see thanx to some overly active Tom of Finland buff puff daddy bouncer in his early late 40's with a loaded throat plunger who i met via the phone lines right after i purchased my 1st set of wheels in my late early 20's who decided to use my mug as target practice and splatter my face like a semi automatic paint ball gun give'n me a bad case of glaucoma or somethin' like that so i immediately popped in the shower then on down to the neighborhood Pearle Necklace Vision to purchase a pair of goggles with detachable windshield wipers fer the next time and it made me think of the recent heated moments reek'n havoc across the country try'na celebrate PRIDE

let's begin with the whole read'n rainbow incident that happened recently

at a public library in the San Francisco Bay area which treated a bunch of kids with their parents to story time by local drag personality PANDA DULCE who's been host'n the event since 2017 when they were rudely interrupted by a parade of anally unfuckable cool ranch dorito maniacs with spermicidal issues try'n to teach the audience what happens to yer brain when you eat too much glittered paste and huff on one too many of those fruit flavored magic markers at an early age

of course leave it to some dick lesion in the sunshine state Tony the teeny weeny Sabatini who's propose'n legislation to basically terminate a parents parental rights if they are caught take'n their own children to a drag show and slap em with a felony...cuz you know...things like gun legislation and vote'n rights issues are peanuts in comparison though it’s probably cuz he's been bitter ever since he was never crowned in the Miss Tight Ass Titty Queen 2015 competition

whether it's cuz these insecure closet cases are beat'n off in a bathtub

full of holy water to their fav-o-rit sonnets from that ancient comic book by CASPER while slurp'n down a big gulp of communal wine or not...these GOP dick nazi's and their unnecessarily barbaric anti-gay bills that they're try'na push into laws across the country WILL NOT automatically turn their little puke buckets into pole dance'n dick lickers or clammy capers just cuz they learn a lil about people like OSCAR...QUENTIN or VIRGINIA

SERIOUSLY...if that's their lame logic then i would'a ended up just like them...yer typical all american schlitz malt liquored pot pie'd prize fight'n ass pimple 

after i became a beauty school drop-out!

BUTT there's more...

if you thought that was as painful as purple polka dotted palazzo pants

in Paducah Kentucky...image bein a part of these anally intrigued PROUD BOYS who were recently demasked and demoralized after their pix were published plott'n to "party" at some Idaho PRIDE event 

and outed by the Couer d'Alene police along with their names (in case you wanna...you know...FB 'em fer a comment or ask 'em to be yer +1 at the next VFW jitterbug championship try-outs) that was unfortunately foiled by a concerned ferry trapper keeper who caught them all pile'n into the back of a U-haul dressed in khaki's with shin guards and smoke grenades'... 

however without a disco ball...a barrel of spermicidal lubrications...personalized fans or any other sorta homosexual irony

though of course now we F-I-N-A-L-L-Y know who is behind all those blank profiles on Grindr!

in cuntclusion...i wish there was a way that we could all just cum together 

to celebrate with all those non homosexuals who feel heavily disenfranchised...shunned by society daily and meticulously murdered monthly without any sorta sadistic reprehensible ritualistic repercussions in some savory savoir flaire fashion more than just the 365 days that they already have to celebrate without persecution...however until another day is invented...may i suggest if you ever wanna stop "US" from infiltrate'n yer schools...yer tv shows...yer hair salons...yer over priced restaurants or yer back alley pool halls...perhaps try jamm'n yer junk in a light socket "Jonathan's" and blow'n yer box apart with a bunch of bottle rockets "Bernice's" cuz that's the ONLY way yer ever gonna rid the planet of "US" kittens since it takes 2 of you to make millions of "US"!

HAPPY PRIDE & puhleez Jesus...Mary Kate and Ashley Simpson on a flakey graham cracker crust...GET OFF MY DRESS!

a long time ago...

with all who's been maliciously reek'n havoc across the entire planet lately

from the Ukraine crisis in BUCHA to a bloated undercooked blood sausaged scrotal sack tarnish'n her tiara reign over KETANJI BROWN JACKSON nomination to everyone STILL talk'n about that bitch slapped back hand sammich the FRESH PRINCE fried up fer the pint sized ROCK that was felt across the globe i barely had time to collect my deviously dirty thoughts and quite frankly to be honest unless it's related to my covid...pregnancy or aids test...i can honestly say i no longer wanna deal with any more of this fuck'n negativity this week!

BUTT...what else is new?

so after spend'n hours riffle'n thru my buried treasures from...well...let's just stick with many many MANY moons ago...shall we?...i came across

(hey...keep it clean pervie's) the very 1st short story that i had ever written fer a paper in my tender teenage angst years back in 1986 when i was but 15 tenderly and supple years young durin' type'n class that i believe was the only A i had ever received in said class (since i only did this very one particular assignment thee entire course of course that year) which is probably the only reason why i saved the paper which would become a sorta precursor to what i would eventually become many many MANY moons later on in life...that i simply titled:

"SOME LIKE IT HOT"

though this had absolutely nothing to do with Marilyn...nor have i edited this school paper since i wrote it & YES i used proper punctuation back in the days as you will notice so sue me cuz i didn't keep it up! now hold on to your patience & let's begin...shall we?

Sure you are probably sick of these long days of the below zero temperatures. You dream of sailing away to some exotic island like

Bermuda or Jamaica, laying on the beaches sucking up as many possible coconut drinks as your gut can take in and soaking up all the harmful ultra-violet rays from the sun until your body turns to a rotten brown and large bubbles of fleshy juices grow on your back.

Well, there is one place you can escape the cold, bitter death of winter. But this is not just an ordinary "come and go as you please" resort.

Nor is it a tourist attraction, though many people hear stories about how to get there. Keep in mind though, that if you enter, there is no exit.

I've been here once before. it's the perfect place i would love to see half this demented world live. Some actual human beings showed me how to

escape, but other grotesque forms of life calling themselves humans, are trying to get me committed again. Fear not, i shall never return.

I do still have some vivid memories of my once in a lifetime "home away

from home" vacation. I'll do my best to recap all of the heart-aching, back breaking, head twisting details as i can.

The first thing I remember about this place was that there was cherry-hot lava everywhere, oozing out from the sides of the walls like blood clots dripping out of an open heart wound. Giant crater-like ant hills spread about on the floor were also filled with the lava. Every time that a pocket of

air would get trapped inside the lava, it would pop as it reached the opening. I could hear the lava splatter and sizzle as it hit the charred rock floor. I did my best to avoid the splatters, but one small glob of lava scorched the side of my upper left leg. I was kind of glad that it happened, because it got rid of a sick and repulsive tattoo of a dirtball rabbit a friend put on me one night when i was loaded.

side not...apparently...my teacher noted that this last sentence was NOT relevant to my description in her notes...BITCH PUHLEEZ...this was MY

STORY...plus...i was a teen with 'tude fer fuck sakes...

E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G was relevant!

The steam from the thin cracks beneath my feet was so intense that it felt like a pack of wolves were puncturing my eyeballs with their sharp nails.

The heat wasn't any better. It was like I was sitting next to an egg and two slabs of bacon in a frying pan. Any minute I knew my body was going to be burnt to a crisp. So i started running around in a circle to try and create a small breeze.

After some time my feet were helplessly screaming for me to rest. So I found a rock that wasn't surrounded by lava and took a little break. The bottoms of my tennis shoes were melting off so I took them off and scraped the rest of the rubber that had stuck to the bottom of my feet.

Stroking the under-half of my feet, I felt the rush of a stinging feeling like i was being cut by every piece of paper in the world. The stinging got worse as a small amount of steam hissed out from beneath my feet. So I took off my shirt and ripped it in half and tied each piece around my feet.

I hadn't noticed it earlier, but as I grabbed in two huge breaths of air, the stench in the air was so putrid that every breath thereafter would burn the

insides of my throat and nose. Desperately I needed to find some water. I jumped to my feet, ignoring the tremendous amount of pain, and proceeded down a long, dark tunnel.

Upon finding a new tunnel, I noticed a change in the scenery. This path was much more narrow than the others. The walls had only small amounts

of lava seeping out of the tiny cracks. Steam from the ground was as hot as a sauna back home. Things were happening that were good for a change. I kept a stiff upper lip and hoped for a better outlook.

as I progressed further and further into the tunnel, the lava grew less and the steam got as cool as the summer nights. Then, in the clearing up ahead, I saw a bright and blinding light appear. As I moved closer to the light, still unable to see anything, noises started calling out my name.

Each had its own distinct tone of voice. Still squinting, I heard my name repeated and repeated over and over again. It sounded like a bunch of munchkins from the land of OZ. As the noises got louder and louder the pounding in my ears got worse.

I was too curious to see who was calling my name, that i didn't bother to worry about if I was going to go blind if i opened my eyes. I got down and laid on my back. Relaxing every muscle in my body I concentrated on

opening my eyes. I had gone through so much excruciating pain and over-exhaustion that it was hard to open my eyelids. For a second I paused. Then I proceeded to push every muscle in my body into my eyelids. With the start of my engine, I popped open my eyes. I had awakened.

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

A HELL OF A STORY!

with last weeks heat wave reek'n complete havoc across the entire planet

i barely survived without sizzle'n like a piece of bacon with a side of hollandazed and confused sauce...i mean seriously kittens...i was practically molest'n my fan in front of my frigid air conditioner...while my deviantly depraved dehumidifier watched in complete horror

BUTT...what else is new?

so after spend'n hours riffle'n thru my buried treasures from...well...let's just stick with many many MANY moons ago...shall we?...i came across

(HEY...keep it clean pervie's) the very 1st short story that i had ever written fer a paper in my tender teenage angst years durin' type'n class that i believe was the only A i had ever received in said class...(since i only did this 1 particular assignment thee entire course of the year) which is probably the only reason why i saved the paper...it would become a sorta precursor to what i would eventually become many many MANY moons later on in life...that i simply titled:

"SOME LIKE IT HOT"

though this had absolutely nothing to do with Marilyn...nor have i edited this school paper since i wrote it...& YES...i used proper punctuation back in the days as you will notice...so sue me cuz i didn't keep it up!...now hold on to yer patience & let's begin...shall we?

Sure you are probably sick of these long days of the below zero temperatures. You dream of sailing away to some exotic island like

Bermuda or Jamaica, laying on the beaches sucking up as many possible coconut drinks as your gut can take in and soaking up all the harmful ultra-violet rays from the sun until your body turns to a rotten brown and large bubbles of fleshy juices grow on your back.

Well, there is one place you can escape the cold, bitter death of winter. But this is not just an ordinary "come and go as you please" resort.

Nor is it a tourist attraction, though many people hear stories about how to get there. Keep in mind though, that if you enter, there is no exit.

I've been here once before. it's the perfect place i would love to see half this demented world live. Some actual human beings showed me how to

escape, but other grotesque forms of life calling themselves humans, are trying to get me committed again. Fear not, i shall never return.

I do still have some vivid memories of my once in a lifetime "home away

from home" vacation. I'll do my best to recap all of the heart-aching, back breaking, head twisting details as i can.

The first thing I remember about this place was that there was cherry-hot lava everywhere, oozing out from the sides of the walls like blood clots dripping out of an open heart wound. Giant crater-like ant hills spread about on the floor were also filled with the lava. Every time that a pocket of

air would get trapped inside the lava, it would pop as it reached the opening. I could hear the lava splatter and sizzle as it hit the charred rock floor. I did my best to avoid the splatters, but one small glob of lava scorched the side of my upper left leg. I was kind of glad that it happened, because it got rid of a sick and repulsive tattoo of a dirtball rabbit a friend put on me one night when i was loaded.

side not...apparently...my teacher noted that this last sentence was NOT relevant to my description in her notes...BITCH PUHLEEZ...this was MY

STORY...plus...i was a teen with 'tude fer fuck sakes...

E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G was relevant!

The steam from the thin cracks beneath my feet was so intense that it felt like a pack of wolves were puncturing my eyeballs with their sharp nails.

The heat wasn't any better. It was like I was sitting next to an egg and two slabs of bacon in a frying pan. Any minute I knew my body was going to be burnt to a crisp. So i started running around in a circle to try and create a small breeze.

After some time my feet were helplessly screaming for me to rest. So I found a rock that wasn't surrounded by lava and took a little break. The bottoms of my tennis shoes were melting off so I took them off and scraped the rest of the rubber that had stuck to the bottom of my feet.

Stroking the under-half of my feet, I felt the rush of a stinging feeling like i was being cut by every piece of paper in the world. The stinging got worse as a small amount of steam hissed out from beneath my feet. So I took off my shirt and ripped it in half and tied each piece around my feet.

I hadn't noticed it earlier, but as I grabbed in two huge breaths of air, the stench in the air was so putrid that every breath thereafter would burn the

insides of my throat and nose. Desperately I needed to find some water. I jumped to my feet, ignoring the tremendous amount of pain, and proceeded down a long, dark tunnel.

Upon finding a new tunnel, I noticed a change in the scenery. This path was much more narrow than the others. The walls had only small amounts

of lava seeping out of the tiny cracks. Steam from the ground was as hot as a sauna back home. Things were happening that were good for a change. I kept a stiff upper lip and hoped for a better outlook.

As I progressed further and further into the tunnel, the lava grew less and the steam got as cool as the summer nights. Then, in the clearing up ahead, I saw a bright and blinding light appear. As I moved closer to the light, still unable to see anything, noises started calling out my name.

Each had its own distinct tone of voice. Still squinting, I heard my name repeated and repeated over and over again. It sounded like a bunch of munchkins from the land of OZ. As the noises got louder and louder the pounding in my ears got worse.

I was too curious to see who was calling my name, that i didn't bother to worry about if I was going to go blind if i opened my eyes. I got down and laid on my back. Relaxing every muscle in my body I concentrated on

opening my eyes. I had gone through so much excruciating pain and over-exhaustion that it was hard to open my eyelids. For a second I paused. Then I proceeded to push every muscle in my body into my eyelids. With the start of my engine, I popped open my eyes. I had awakened.

~FIN~

well if you thought that was A HELL OF A STORY...then you ain't gonna wanna miss thee most anticipated one nite only FATHOM movie event of

 the year...this wednesday july 31st only...click here to check out the theater nearest you fer tickets...i flew to see this show at Carnegie Hall in NY last summer...and trust me...if you believe in the 1st amendment as yer Casper fear'n give'n right...then this movie IS NOT TO BE MISSED!

i personally predict this shall receive an Oscar nod fer the brilliantly hysterical and poignantly polished production by one KATHY GRIFFIN...if not a win fer best picture...just remember...you heard it here 1st kittens! 

now get off my dress!