this new radically militant portion of the latest generational letter parade is blind...deaf and fuck'n dumb as a box of hair...shitt'n on our shameful shingles try'na cancel A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G...E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G and E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E associated with events prior to the bowel movements of the latest "influencers" stress'n out previous generational letters wonder'n...hmmm...maybe i should'a could'a would'a but didn't and by the time they're serve'n you metamucil martini's dur'in yer Matlock marathon yer lucky if you get yer shit shorts changed daily so yer not marinate'n in last nites dinner just cuz you cussed em out and didn't address them in the proper pronoun properly!
LISTEN UP! we all have to go at some point and chastise'n someone cuz
yer pathetically or politically offended by somethin' they said or did...quiet frankly offends my tired plump A double snakes at this point...get off yer fuck'n float before the pc parade blows up in yer face!
and if yer completely offended by everything i just said...well then that's
YER PROBLEM right there! you want everyone to choke on yer new word salads yet you have no idea how to add common sense dress'n to the bowl without have'n a tantrum...life does not owe you tiktok'n twats an oscar every time one of you's takes a damn shit or cuz you barely survived from someone who didn't identify you in the proper pronoun of the moment that only YOU felt YOU were in...nor does it bar the generational letters born before you from actually bust'n our britches STILL after all these years later while watch'n...
someone like JACK TRIPPER transform into GRAMA TRIPPER in order to collect the $10,000 prize money in the annual LANDERS cookie bake-off contest just cuz you want us to rewrite history think'n that we were subconsciously degrade'n the lives of the elderly incontinent trans community...
or witness'n some bumble'n diabetic clod hopper "honkie" with 2 left feet who was into interracial facials on sunday nites in the 70's without y'all stage'n protests with yer parishioners from Peoria to Peru at the Geneva Convention til reparations are dispersed amongst the masses...mean'n you'll hope to reap the bennies from the 30 second news reports...
with some somber string music by SARAH MCLACHLAN marinate'n in the background to all yer numerous social media platforms since you've disassociate yerself with an actual life...thing is kittens...we actually survived on a sense of humor without take'n EVERYTHING so damn literal before 2015 regardless of what yer affiliation was with yer own personal beliefs
i mean seriously...a generational crowd that only speaks in 3 letter haikus
that we are left to decipher what the actual fuck yer try'na convey in a text to us can just bloody well sit the fuck down and listen up fer a minute!
1. speak yer mind!
if i hadda hear one more elevator story about kids and casseroles or how the weather had changed drastically 5 degree points up or down from the past 24 hours fer the umpteenth time when i worked a 9 to 5 in the cubicle position...i was gonna go all M'Lynn in the cemetery and loose it on their uncottage cheesed asses! do you really think that whore stand'n next to you in the morn'n gives a fiddler's fuck! NO WE DON'T! (trust me) i can tell you that political correctness is no longer fashionable anymore!
there should be one "whorevator" fer those singles who mingle and wanna talk about their latest tingle!
"i banged the bus boy on break" or "oh my gawd...look at his crotch? it's just SO BIG...he looks like one of those drag queens boyfriends but who understands those drag queens anyways...they only talk to him cuz he's pack'n a throat plunger...i mean GROSS...his bulge is just so BIG...ummm...you gotta pen?" or the popular "you should really think about gett'n that checked before it spreads"
2. work it!
when you walk 'til you limp and give a cut to yer pimp...yer a street whore...when you work from your home and johns call on the phone...yer a call girl
why not become yer own self sufficient entrepreneur?
wonder what yer worth? well now's the time to test it out...you've laid there like a dead hooker fer years or faked more orgasms than you can count...
or held out like a fool wait'n fer that special someone to come down yer "chimney"
what a moron!...thousands of ladies and ladies alike of the nite have been make'n buku bank fer years...it's time to take a piece of the easy pie
we're still deal'n with a deadlock in the unemployment line and let's be real...not all of us can be onlyfans fetishes so when someone drives by and says "how much?" don't take that as an insult...that's just how they say "hi" in whoreville
don't like their offer?...negotiate...this is no time to bargain hunt...
just make sure to get the money up front before ya take yer top off!
3. be absolutely balls out selfish!
and spend...SPEND...S-P-E-N-D some time with someone else's dimes on yerself fer a change...you earned it after all the shingled singles you've had to suffer thru slather'n on their nitetime ointments!
seriously...you've been hang'n on by yer chinny chin chin hair that yer
too damn lazy to rooter rudder away...sure they might not be yer “ideal” mate nonetheless…might as well enjoy yer last few years...months...weeks or days of breath yer hold'n onto with that undeniable shopp'n spree you've always denied yerself just cuz ya gave too many hand-outs or hand jobs fer free in yer lifetime or saved fer yer retirement...medicare means nothing at this point anyways
cuz ya won't be show'n off yer country's pride in yer custom built lazyboy on wheels...
or become'n an undergarment model anytime soon!
BUTT in the end...
tired of those move'n at the speed of a paraplegic parade on sunday?
sick of being stuck behind those who got their license from drive'n a camel in Kuwait? you ain't got time to have patience anymore especially when that bean burrito decides to kick in almost immediately after consumption...stick a loud speaker to the hood of yer car and tell the one hold'n up traffic exactly how you feel:
"JESUS CHRIST! i said move motherfucker!! why are you drive'n 55 mph...in a 55 mph zone when there's a perfectly good empty lane to yer right that you can move over to you ass fuck! ooh yer gonna step on yer breaks now? bitch puhleez! you think yer really fuck'n funny i bet? well...let's see how fuck'n funny you are when they're extract'n my bus from yer tailpipe CUNT!"
of course...these are just some of my simple suggestions as you creep
closer and closer to yer follicley challenged days and yer lonely rheumatism nites and the occasional undergarment "accidents" in the middle of the grocery aisle while yer hunt'n down who hit you up on grindr or tinder that's only 500 feet away...just remember...
JOHN HUGHES movies were not mismanaged nor misrepresented...
he was completely live'n in the time period P-E-R-I-O-D! stop with all the cancelations and try'n to erase the past...use a lil common sense by learn'n about context and the inflectional tone that it was give'n in
i don't really care how you choose to find a better consciousness...in fact i am 100% behind whichever one you wanna choose...however whether
our father...who do art in heaven...
Joseph Smith was right...these are magical...
shalom...
nam myoho renge kyo...
praise ALLAH...
or OH MY CHER!
believe what ya wanna believe in and identify as whatever you wanna as
just don't go press'n any of our buttons cuz we will read you to filth faster than you can venmo yer therapist...we have more insurance and don't live in our parents basements (however it is our fault that yer there in the first place with the cost of rent these days...so i'll give you that pass) though in the end...time is always tick fuck'n tock'n away tiktok'n twats and yer gonna be rent'n a room on hang nail avenue and hemmorrhoidal cream junction faster than you think...
so GET OFF MY DRESS!
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