come together in every nation!

this year marks the 30th anniversary when me & my unfortunately old bff

worshiped at the alter of the QUEEN in St Paul, MN 

fer the very first time...

and ever since...i've been absofuckinglutely addicted!

well it's been almost 2 damn long years since i had the opportunity to marinate in all her glorious essence live...after host'n thee OFFICIAL REBEL HEART tour party in the Minne-Apple (my 2nd time around i might add)...my genius video friend Tony even made a kick-ass commercial fer my gig (though the bar management was a royal pain in my A double snakes to work with...it was a H-U-G-E success...but i guess i digress) 

and now...F-I-N-A-L-L-Y...she is set to release her global domination onto the nation once again from her amazingly spectacular sold out "REBEL HEART TOUR" on her 59th birthday this wednesday august 16th...order yer copy today

those who got to witness the QUEEN stake claim to her crown with DICK

on AMERICAN BANDSTAND back in 1984...felt her confidence when she declared she wanted to "rule the world"...and she has ever since then as far as the music world is concerned...

for someone who's been beat up by critics and crazy ass fans fer more than 30 years in the biz...she's persevered and prevailed and has never had to abdicate her crown...break'n her back and shatter'n the ceil'n as far as live entertainment has never seen the likes of before...so i thought i'd go back thru her illustrious career of live performances...(and what was available on youtube.com and gif form to tell my story) so without further ado...i give you my top 13 ALL TIME FAV live moments from the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR...let's begin shall we?

#13...though she looked more like a rejected 80's mall rat from Sheboygan Wi...M has always remembered where she came from and has always give'n up her time to causes close to her heart by perform'n fer the biggest audience fer the biggest cause at the time at LIVE AID to help fight famine in Africa with "HOLIDAY"

#12...after Pete Burns decided to have a garage sale to get rid of his "YOU SPIN ME AROUND" eye patch he no longer needed to wear...M snapped it up fer a crisp cool $100 benjamin and went all Breakfast at Tiffany's meets Alice in Wunderland back in 1993 durin' her "GIRLIE SHOW" with her soft core porn sizzler "JUSTIFY MY LOVE"

#11...the 1st of 3 collaborations to make my list...was when M generously decided to share her spotlight with a bunch of artistic apes in the 1st ever live animation performance at the GRAMMY awards back in 2011...mash'n up her smash hit HUNG UP with the GORILLAZ

#10...though they never toured together as rock royalty...(cuz PRINCE said in the 90's that the world wasn't ready for that just yet)...PRINCE did duet with M on "LOVE SONG" from her brilliant emotionally infused "LIKE A PRAYER" album...so it was only fitt'n that the QUEEN would pay an emotional tribute to a PRINCE gone much to soon with a mash-up of his songs "NOTHING COMPARES 2U" & "PURPLE RAIN"...with a lil help from STEVIE WONDER 

#9...written fer her x hubby SEAN PENN"s movie "AT CLOSE RANGE" back in 1986...M was never one to shy away from controversy but marinate in it and that she did when she performed "LIVE TO TELL" durin' her 2006 CONFESSIONS TOUR...it was thee most controversialy & perfectly poignant performance of M's career

#8...written by icelandic kaleidoscopic butterfly BJORK...M's performance of "BEDTIME STORIES" at the 1995 BRIT AWARDS gave me the chills with her Donetella Versace like ice queen locks dance'n against the dry ice and fan while bein molested by match'n mute twin blonde bombshells

#7...from the 1991 OSCAR awards...when M was ooze'n in Miss Monroe'ness...belt'n out her tribute to DICK with "SOONER OR LATER" and taught you how to correctly get on with the show...regardless if yer $10,000 Harry Winston earring gets stuck to yer aqua-netted golden locks or not

#6...one of M's most grittiest and rawest performances from her early days on the VIRGIN TOUR...declare'n she will "take you by surprise" with the beat of the electronic cow bell...her dirty blonde locks flipp'n and dripp'n in sweat...much like a priest on a playground...as she shook her money maker like nobody's bizness with "GAMBLER"...lett'n the audience know right up front "yer just jealous cuz ya can't be me" (and trust me...we ALL do want to be)

#5...after contact'n M's merch peeps when M finally decided to return to the land of 10, 000 lakes 9,999 bottoms (it's soo hard to be me) after a 25 year absence in 2015...i became thee OFFICIAL tour party hostess in St. Paul MN durin' her MDNA stop...and trust me...like M...i was a "GIRL GONE WILD"...and take'n a page right outta M's philosophy...we raised alot of benjamins fer the MATTHEW SHEPPARD FOUNDATION that year

#4...the world got to witness M perform "LIKE A VIRGIN" fer the very 1st time at the very 1st Mtv awards back in 1984...and since then...this classic has gone thru more transformations and reworks than the late Joan Rivers mug...but the one version of being "touched for the very first time" almost got her arrested in Toronto 27 years ago durin' her BLONDE AMBITION tour fer play'n with her kitty on stage

#3...M's 1990 Mtv "VOGUE" performance as 18th century harlets in heat...bring'n a whole new mean'n to fann'n the flames...put the bar so high...that every performer ever since has tried to imitate her...but they just can't duplicate her success

#2...every performer goes thru mishaps and malfucktions durin' performances at some point in their career...but when it happens on live tv like it did back 2015 on the BRIT AWARDS fer M...it was the shock wave that was felt thru-out the music world...but just like M's live snafu with a suicidal earring 25 years earlier...M bein' the very consummate perfectionist that she has always been...was triumphantly unapologetic and carried on with the show...M made the appropriate changes when she was "LIVING FOR LOVE" at the 2015 GRAMMY AWARDS with her back breaking performance

#1...love to hate her or hate that you love her so much...MADONNA proved she truly is the undeniable QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR when she brilliantly executed her powerhouse performance that football fans had never before seen the likes of in the history of halftime shows...durin' the 2012 SUPERBOWL...with the perfect blend of new and classics hits by the hitmaker...along with a few of her famous followers back'n up the QUEEN...to make it the highest rated show ever in the history of halftimes at the time

so there ya have it kittens...a "CELEBRATION" of my fav-o-rit live performances by the QUEEN...(i'm sure you all have yer own) give it up fer thee absofuckinglutely ultimately awesomeist LIVIN' LEGEND...HAPPY 59th MADONNA...many more...now get off my dress!

bedtime stories

one of my all time fav-o-rit bedtime stories…as a very small…

but very important…very up and come’n unintentionally internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of my own universe was…

“WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE” 

i remember my cuz's Carey and Shelly read'n this to me when they'd babysit

i…like Max…had and still have…

a very active imagination

i was never much of a reader…i am read to...period!

but trust me…i will READ you in a minute…if you try and crucify me on yer cross!

move'n on…

so i was reminisce’n recently of other childhood fav’s that i wish i’d been able to have read…but never bothered too…cuz i figered if they were any good…

they’d be turned into a movie…am I right?

so let's take a trip down mammory lane...shall we?

hey...do you remember that classic tale of what to do in bad weather?

“Taking Trips on Rainy Days”

this was the story about Helen Stripmotter teach’n her lil tinker bell…Tommy…the correct way how to cope with the slings and arrows…that will mostly likely be aimed towards him…from classmates and local parishioners...after she found hidden issues of “INCHES” under his britches in his top drawer…while give’n him the proper way to “perform” without scrape’n his teeth against those “throat removers”

and then there’s that one about learn’n to live alone…

“My Parent Are Fighting Again 

(The Story of Timmy’s Home Away From A Broken Home)

this is the story of teenaged angst riddled tulip sniffer Timmy...who decides to take shop class as an elective and decides to build his future in his parents backyard…after mom catches dear old perverted converted dad take'n Timmy's well endowed best friend Terrell on one too many long ass "rides" home...just one too many times...and he's left once again...stuck pick'n up the broken stemware and shattered dreams thru-out the house

one of the most beloved books about narcissism and jealousy

“Dear God, Please Kill My Little Sister.”

this easy to read between the lines story…explores what happens when lil Sally steals the spotlight one too many times from big brother Charlie who had full run of the house and his parents full attention and bank account when it was just him... one nite as mom and dad leave to one of those theaters with a “back room”…Charlie is asked to babysit lil Sally…and not long after the front door closes…Sally is sent to bed…but as Charlie turns off the lights…Sally whimpers “Charlie please don’t turn off the lights…I see monsters in the dark”…Charlie exclaims as he lowers his head and raises his left eyebrow in a scowl…“Sally…those aren’t monsters…they’re just yer clothes…try’n to m-u-r-d-e-r you!”…trust me...this’ll make you sleep with one eye open fer the rest of yer life!

or how about that book that taught you that everything...

“Tastes Like Chicken”

no matter how you slice it...this story was made fer those finicky lil carnivores that never wanted to try somethin’ new

Christmas is a great time to be charitable…but nothin’ says Christmas like…

“Santa Says NO TOYS For Poor Kids”

this heart warm'n holiday classic teaches lil kittens of all ages…after ol’ Saint Nick spent years runn’n a sweat shop of hard work’n ungrateful elves…try’n to meet a december 24^th deadline…loose’n his looks to his waistline…and the Misses always screen’n his mail…the last thing he wants as a reward is an endless supply of dried out toll house cookies and moo juice…so he opts fer those smarty britches with bank accounts...who leave behind stocks and bonds…rolex watches…and low ball of cherry infused bourbon served with a lady of the nite to drop his low balls on

and who could ferget the story of mystical imagination in…

“Drugs Are Magic”

here you’ll learn how lil Amanda Peonme went from teenage terror to town tramp…with a lil help from her friends…Mr. Hypodermic Needle…Rubbie Hose…Quay Ludes and Krystal Meth...(no relation to Krystal Kleer of course...the only thing that gets her high is her heels) Amanda knows more tricks than a rodeo clown…and after a nite of non stop party’n…her uncontrollable desires take over…until she has a complete break thru…with her breakdown…discover’n the magic of easy uploadable imagery onto xtube when she’s not in control of the situation...by the next morn'n...at the office

oh my cher!... remember learn'n the cost of try’n to discover yer talents in…

“Will You Stop That DAMN NOISE!”

grow’n up is never easy…especially when yer a prodigy child…try’n to try out fer the school band…with a mother who’s’ been "ride'n the cotton pony" or hang'n out with her friend "flo" (if ya know what i mean) fer the past 7 days while dad is down’n his 7th bottle of scotch while watch’n a marathon of “my lil girl ain’t so lil any more” in his bvd’s

  

you'll be green with envy...while read'n another holiday classic...

"The Adventures of the Pedophile Leprechaun"

Pippin will be dripp'n in his drawers when he learns a boy named Peter discovers the end of the rainbow is not full of gold...but alot harder to crack his cracker than he thought...without the proper spermicidal jams and jellies

and nothing says earn'n yer own live'n like...

"My First Meth Lab" 

this will give every lil boy and girl the "how to" tools to not waste mommy's hard earned income she earned ever since daddy moved into the "big house" fer try'n to take mommy's tennis partner Diamond...who works as a weekend dancer...to Vegas...until  that is...she discovered daddy wasn't bein' totally honest with the IRS

well there ya have it kittens...so take some time out and read any or all of these

 classics to yer lil kittens...to teach them how to become the responsible adult you wished you never wanted to be...before it's too late and they end up turn'n tricks and appear'n on day time talk shows!

now get off my dress!