THE GREAT PIPE HYPE pt 1

picture it kittens...the year was 1995...and this dynamic dick lick'n duo

were reel'n in the receipts at the box office...

the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR was race'n up the charts tell'n us a "BEDTIME STORY" 

with a lil help from this icelandic queen

BUTT...let's continue

and i believe it was some hot summer nite in the month of june...or maybe

it was july...doesn't really matter...either case...i had just finished pack'n up my hair and heels after a fruitful nite perform'n at my 4th place of employment [the GAY 90's] that day...grabbed my duffle bag of stage tricks only to find out once i had plopped my plump A-double snakes on the metro transit #4 that they were now marinate'n in gin and regret 

apparently from some pissed off performer...who i would only find out about a year later...decided to take it upon herself to pour their cocktail in my bag of belong'ns...all cuz we just happened to be share'n

the same thick "throat plunger" at the time (unbeknownst to the both of us) though i was only use'n him fer purely the pleasure principle as he was me to be honest though apparently the other "performer" thought they were in some diluted secluded relationship so i touched a nerve...THE NERVE!

by the time i had reached my stop...i had reached my limit of patience

with this highly talented tawdry tulip sniffer and decided at that point to no longer give 2 shits about any of the cast of casualties that i was perform'n with at the popular downtown alcoholic establishment that year...after all...

it was just another job to me that i would eventually quit come october that year cuz i was barely gett'n any sleep as it was...work'n from before sun-up to beyond after sundown 

i was live'n in a shitbox 3 blocks down from my current shitbox at the time

and the light outside my entrance had been burnt out fer roughly 6 months that my landlord had neglected to replace...so try'n to find the the key hole to unlock my door in the stark dark of the nite was like Skywalker scurry'n thru the trenches try'n to toss in his proton torpedo's into the Death Star's hole every nite

well...on this particular warm and breezy nite...or early morn'n i guess... 

depend'n how you wanna look at it fer testicular purposes...i tripped and fell onto an unidentified object lay'n perpendickularly outside my door and after regain'n my balance...i felt around as to what was lay'n in front of my entrance and turns out...IT WAS A BODY!!!

i immediately jumped up to the lawn above me...like a cat encounter'n a 

cucumber and ran around to the front of the house...entered inside and made my way thru the hallways down to the basement level to my apt and proceeded to turn on all the lites...turned on my tv to occupy my mind...grabbed the biggest knife i could find that was washed (hey if i'm gonna have to lunge at some assailant...i don't want him or her to think i live like some sorta filthy pig) then jumped into my bed without my kerchief on...

and proceeded to call the boys in blue to come blow my horn remove whoever it was lie'n outside my apt door

by morn'n...i awoke fresh faced and fancy wonder'n why there was a knife

buried into my fav-o-rit pillow (at the time) then i realized i had fallen asleep in terror cuz of the body i had tripped over outside my humble lil shitbox just hours earlier...however...i never heard back from the police so i ventured outside to see what had happened and all of a sudden i noticed a lil art project left behind by the cops!

WTF?

ok...that didn't REALLY happen that way...but it makes this story sound 

alot more like a credible lifetime movie of the week...don't it? turns out the body was now replaced by an expensive look'n camel colored Hermes carry'n case and curiosity was really kill'n me kittens...so i grabbed the briefcase in from outta the pour'n rain and proceeded to rummage thru it to find any cash out any clues as to who this bag belonged to

there ya have it...tune in next week fer pt 2 of THE GREAT PIPE HYPE!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

STRANGER...DANGER? pt. 1

picture it kittens...the year was 1995...and this dynamic dick lick'n duo

were reel'n in the reciepts at the box office...

the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR was race'n up the charts tell'n us a "BEDTIME STORY" 

with a lil help from this icelandic queen

and i believe it was some hot summer nite in the month of june...or maybe

it was july...doesn't really matter...either case...i had just finished pack'n up my hair and heels after a fruitful nite perform'n at my 4th place of employment [the GAY 90's] that day...grabbed my duffle bag of costumes only to find out once i had plopped my plump A-double snakes on the metro transit #4 that they were now marinate'n in gin and regret 

apparently from some pissed off performer...who i would only find out about a year later...decided to take it apon herself to pour her cocktail in my bag of belong'ns...all cuz we just happened to be share'n

the same thick as fuck "throat plunger" at the time...unbenounced to the both of us...though i was only use'n him fer one purpose to be honest since i was just humiliated by my 1st bf...of many...stand'n in line at the shitters as he hypothetically shit all over me...how ironic huh?

by the time i had reached my stop...i had reached my limit of patience

with this highly talented tawdry tulip sniffer and decided at that point to no longer give 2 shits about any of the cast of casualties that i was perform'n with at the popular downtown alcoholic establishment that year...after all...

it was just another job to me that i would eventually quit come october that year cuz i was barely gett'n any sleep as it was...work'n from before sun-up to beyond after sundown 

i was live'n in a shitbox 3 blocks down from my current shitbox at the time

and the light outside my entrance had been burnt out fer roughly 4 months that my landlord had neglected to replace...so try'n to find the the key hole to unlock my door in the dark was like Skywalker scurry'n thru the trenches try'n to toss in his proton torpedo's into the Death Star's hole every nite

well...on this particular warm and breezy nite...or early morn'n i guess... 

depend'n how you wanna look at it fer testicular purposes...i tripped and fell onto an unidentified object lay'n perpendickularly outside my door and after regain'n my balance...i felt around what was lay'n in front of my entrance and turns out...IT WAS A BODY!!!

i immediately jumped up to the lawn above me...like a cat encounter'n a 

cucumber and ran around to the front of the house...entered inside and made my way thru the hallways down to the basement level to my apt and proceeded to turn on all the lites...turned on my tv to occupy my mind...grabbed the biggest knife i could find that was washed...jumped into my bed without my kerchief on...

and proceeded to call the boys in blue to come blow my horn remove whoever it was lay'n outside my door

by morn'n...i awoke fresh faced and fancy wonder'n why there was a knife

buried into my fav-o-rit pillow (at the time) then i realized i had fallen asleep in terror cuz of the body i tripped over outside my humble lil shitbox but never heard back from the police...so i ventured outside to see what had happend...and i noticed a lil art project left behind by the cops!

WTF?

ok...that didn't REALLY happen that way...but it makes this story sound 

alot more like a credible lifetime movie of the week...don't it? turns out the body was now replaced by an expensive look'n camel colored Hermes carry'n case and curiosity was really kill'n me kittens...so i grabbed the briefcase in from outta the pour'n rain and proceeded to rummage thru it to find any cash out any clues as to who this bag belonged to

there ya have it...tune in next week fer pt 2 of STRANGER DANGER!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

unplugged

so as i was say'n last week about the chaos surround'n...

my smartass phone commit'n a total jihad on my ass 2 days before my annual celebratory time stamped day of narcissism day of birth...i was in complete ax-weild'n homocidal maniac mental meltdown mode while my brain was on RED ALERT...

try'n to understand what the fuck APU was recite'n from his prepared speech on his informational highway box to me...in order to correct the unhappy situation i was so desperately need'n to get myself out of...and before ya get all UP WITH PEOPLE on my ass...

YES i understand there are different pronunciations of the english dialect...but that don't mean just cuz i'm thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...that i have to put up with this shit!

after the most soul depress'n...4 1/2 minutes of my life...now gone ferever...i took a deep breath and rebooted my senses...to make sense of this no nonsense situation...APU assured me my cellphone situation...

 would be resolved in 7 to 10 c-a-l-e-n-d-a-r days...not to be confused with 7 to 10 business days...which basically gives any business enough to time to explore any legal ramifications that may concur...should the outcome not be in yer best interest affect their bottom line

so after much ado about nothing to do with APU...i had my cell checked at said store which shall remain nameless...as not to sway public opinion...
fer ANY defects prior to return'n it back to the company fer inspection...of which their were none...all i'll say is...i WILL NOT BOOST about them

 to anyone in the near future...unless of course...they're look'n fer some unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe spokesmodel

then i thought...WAIT!...why am i gett'n my titties in such a twist?

i survived many years without the world and the entire informational highway bein' able to GPS my ass and it's location at any given moment 

as i bubble wrapped up my lifeline and dropped it off at the post office...all of a sudden...it felt as if i was released from the informational shackles of the past year...and i swear fer a moment...i could almost hear Marlo Thomas sing'n softly into my ear

of course this meant that there would be bed side vigils around the globe from GRINDR to SCRUFF...shedd'n a single lonesome tear until my triumphant return...and rest assured...i'm sure i unfortunately will...unless of course i was left with a small fortune in someone's will...so let's take a look at what happened since i entered into the witness protection program called LIFE!

#1 i was completely inconsolable when i heard that ROSE NYLUND dyed

the last of the GOLDEN GIRLS...wasn't so GOLDEN after all!

#2 i finally finished the entire trip thru emerald city...

OZ that is

the story of a love affair...after commit'n some heinous crime of course...where you either whack...or get whacked...if ya don't watch yer back...but the 2 words that best describe this series...

CHRIS KELLER...grrrrravy on my mash potatoes

#3 i have to admit the only reason i finally got into #2

(ummm not THAT #2 sicko's) was fer me and my latest baby mama drama faghag that desperately wanted us to put on our Cagney and Lacey caps to do research about an unfortunate situation a mutual friend had got himself into allegedly...well...after a month long game of cat n mouse...the jig was up...and just like all my the powerball purchases...i unfortunately lost out on the grand prize of $40 g's...

so there goes my helicopter ride around the Hampton's choke'n down caviar nibbleys and sipp'n on champagne with likes of Cher and Madonna

#4 actually goin 10 entire 24 hrs in an actual row...

without some post traumatic pole smoker call'n me "daddy"
trust me...i get it...i'm over 40...and unfortunately i'm hot...and at times in the right scenarios...it's perfectly legal and legit...but lest we ferget...kitten...ima QUEEN!

# 5 my lil sharp dressed spit fire of a vice president to my fan club...

take'n me to my fav-o-rit musical of all time fer my bday...well this year anyways...which you'd seriously have to be a complete moron to miss out on the BOOK OF MORMONS...it's message resonated with me since i seriously lived it back in the prehistoric times of 1989...

when me and my roomies Steph and Amy called the latter day saint ad on tv late one even'n...just cuz we wanted to make new friends...and i shit you not...2 days later...with me in a french maid uniform serve'n oreo's and lemonade to our guests...we sat down fer a very casual Q&A pow wow after  receive'n our very own complimentary comic book...

which really came in handy since we planned on grill'n out that nite...all seemed to be goin well...UNTIL...we asked them what their stance was on non heterosexuality...

well...you'da swore they thought we were the witches try'n to tell them how to defeat the kraken...but they pondered fer a minute or 2 and said that they'd have to go back to their superior and they'd get back to us with the correct answer...well...i'm here ta tell ya that it has been 25 years...4 months and 16 days...and i'm still wait'n fer a fuck'n answer...all i'll say is...

HASA DIGA EEBOWAI

so there ya have it kittens...the world did not and will not come to an end...
i survived 10 full days without that damn trilogy of terror tell'n me my next move...check'n every 5 seconds how many desperado's were check'n...

me out on whatever site i choose to loose my religion with...or if i was miss'n out on some urgent FB feed that needed a quick quip...and how long it would take someone to like it...only to then check back 5 seconds later to see if anyone responded with more cleverish regurgitated words of wisdom...

just to justify my only existence fer other people's voyeuristic intentions...well...i'm here to tell ya kittens...tick tock tick tock tick tock...the countdown is over...

so with my most profesh and understandably poised voice...i called back APU and calmly said...gimme back my phone you cock-suck'n-muther-fuck'n-pig-slutt'n-whore...and puhleez...

get off my dress!