non sexual non heterosexual period in life was not about felines at all kittens...OH NO! it was actually about those 3 lil oinkers with glandular issues
2 of them have'n issues with their home owners insurance...
while one of them solidified the walls around them so tough that no one could get to him...unless of course he wanted them in!
i could easily compare each one of those lil piglets build'n skills against my own personalities thru-out my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe career that it made me reminisce about this one particular bulky bilateral twisted teeter tottered train wreck who i became engulfed with in some distorted kamikaze livin' arrangement fer roughly 9 months one afternoon as i was rummage'n down the beverage aisle between the chitter chatter'n jitter bugs and diet cokeheads try'na find myself some energy drink to get my buzz on
let's go back in time to 1997 when i was work'n as the sportshop manager
and periodically the front desk check in chick to cover fer breaks at some popular downtown fitness center which technically anyone who worked the front desk in the 90's anywhere in the downtown area hadda deal with their fair share of cuntankerous "karen's" years before the current crop popped up durin' today's pleasant pandemic
well on this one particular even'n when i had happened to be check'n in
and check'n out the meaty packages while try'n not to cringe at the camel toes i was desperately ignore'n who were arrive'n fer the last spin class of the day after most of the downtown workers had scattered like diabetic cockroaches in their moderately priced highly stylish honda accord back to their costco comfort zone of the burbs when this one particular steroidal package who looked the spitt'n image of PETER DINKLAGE (plus a foot and a half) with his miami viced hi-lites and his evil grin caught me off guard when he asked me a few weeks after check'n him in and me check'n him out if i wanted to go grab a slice of pizza and beer sometime to which i nonchalantly muttered with a smile "sure thing" think'n it was all just small talk as usual
now i have never been a big fan of fortune cookie predictions or any kinda
astrological prophecy's...unless someone hypothetically threw a cement block directly at my throat i would be completely oblivious that someone had ANY sorta interest in me beyond scann'n their card at the register or front desk though on this particular even'n even my assistant boss at the time picked up on it and secretly said to me as Peter walked away "ummm...do you flirt much?" i was gobsmacked that that my co-worker not only picked up on it but told me to go fer it (everyone at my gym were gossip gurls back then and we ALL knew which side everyone's bread was buttered on that we worked with)
BUTT wait there's more...
flash foward to roughly 2 or 3 months of hang'n out with Peter after our
first slice at a downtown popular pizza joint late one nite then usually every other week at a different hidden low lit location thru-out the city when one day he asked me at the gym to maybe hang out at his palace and watch a movie which was roughly 5 miles from my quaint lil shithole i was live'n in at the time and i had agreed to his more intimate invitation
i was without motor transportation at the time and he had just gotten
home from a rough day at work however i didn't wanna bother him to come scoop up my plump A double snakes so i packed my over nite bag with all the essentials...vcr (he mentioned he hadn't had one) with some deep think'n brain dead vhs starr'n Bruce Willis and Richard Queer...my apricot facial scrub...some jean nate' after bath body splash...the greatest hits of ANNE MURRAY…why not! and some spermicidal jams though i may have been a bit presumptuous...by now i didn't wanna be caught off guard just in the off chance he wanted to "HELP ME MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT"
as i trudged thru the 5 miles in the darkness of the nite from my comfort
zone to crackville avenue where he was live'n i hoped i wouldn't be confronted by some big bad drug wolf or street skank look'n fer a cheap wank when i finally felt flutterbies in a frenzy flapp'n around my innards as i nervously approached what i had hoped was his front steps cuz my only communicado durin' this time period was via a telephone attached to the wall which i only hoped he’d give'n me the exact directions and not sent me on some wild loose goose chase
as i made my way to the front steps i noticed the door was ajar and as i
popped my head inside call'n out his name i heard his faint reply from the back part of the house to come on in so i opened the door all the way and there below my feet was a miniature trail of tea candles all lit and laid out like breadcrumbs fer me to follow to find my flirtatious fellow
as i followed deeper and deeper into the house i was reminded of the last
fizzled out fuck that i had gotten too wrapped up into by their inactions and was way more apprehensive to think anything more of this than just some twisted scavenger hunt...however as i reached the end of the trail which lead me to his bathroom door there he was marinate'n in a bath full of mr. bubbles cover'n his indiscretion with his hands so i did what any normal unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe would do and plopped down on the porcelain god and asked how his day was
round about 2 months later he had asked me to quit my manager position
where i was make'n bank fer the first time in my fitness career and join his paint'n biz...oh and also break my lease to move in with him which at this point i was absolutely shocked and frankly amazed how fast everything was goin then i firmly stated without any mixed messages that i did not want to live with another roommate scenario to which he reiterated how he wanted me inside…his home…nervously i decided to throw caution to the wind and turned myself into some gaggy giddy maxi-padder on prom nite as i fulfilled his every request even though we had NEVER consummated our "join'n of the assets" outside of give'n him nitely back massages after a hard work out at the gym
he pretty much took care of everything from expenses to groceries and all
i was required to do was to cook his 3 meals daily...keep his house spic and span of which he got lucky since i had already possessed the JOAN CRAWFORD gene deep within me fibers and feed his cat all of which i thought was a completely fair trade off and had zero issue fulfill'n since i was now take'n a deep nose dive with my bi-weekly checks i had become so accustomed to
one nite we were invited to my bff PEETRINELLA's house party and i was
more than happy to finally come to one of her fantabulous soiree's as a plus one fer a change where we mingled amongst the crowd sipp'n on sangria's nibble'n on her tasty buffet that was of course an almost perfect nite…however…thunder began to clash as i pulled off my sash of most popular party guest all cuz of some pompous pussy in boots that i'm pretty positive were prada knock-off's...a pale blue blouse unbuttoned down to his non existent chest and cheap cream colored chino's marinate'n in fahrenheit by Dior that drug out the the WENDY RICHTER within me as he decided to callously spray come hither compliments towards my new plus one
which would eventually turn into some WWE match in PEETINELLA's kitchen as the rest of her unsavory party guests began encompass'n us in a circle as we each death stared the other down throw'n verbal snarky barbs back and forth until i quickly shut down the entire smack down by bein’ politely pissed off suggest'n to him "have you ever tried pick'n up yer teeth with broken fingers?"
tune in next week fer the concussion of TAKEN TO THE PEA PATCH
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
