century...why not!...scattered with fair maidens...bumble'n sheriffs and a witty acherist fox...with his band of merry men...who could shoot an arrow that could dance thru the air like the precision of the russian ballet...who stole from the rich and gave to the poor
awwwwwwwwwww!
now let's hop in our delorean...and fast forward to 3 centuries later
where corruption and chaos ensued across a centralized area of the US...
thanx in part to thee most famous duo...and i ain't talk'n about Orelean & Jarvis Hufflenagel and his terrify'n tambourine act...
no...i speakith of one Bonnie and Clyde...and their bank robb'n bandits...who terrified the country in the 1930's...steal'n from the banks and basically not give'n back to the those suffer'n from the great depression...which seriously...i'da give'n em a pass if they had...banks are FDIC insured fer that sorta shit anyways!
and of course who couldn't ferget about Breathless Mahoney dance'n fer her dolla's under the clutches of Big Boy Caprice and his band of misfits in the early 90's
i myself also got caught up in the romance of the wild wild midwest...
back in summer of 1985 to be perfectly honest...simply outta sheer boredom one nite of course...cuz SIMPLE MINDS damn video fer "DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME" was still the #1 video fer the 4th straight week on Mtv's top 20 video countdown in may of that year...which i was like completely over it 3 weeks earlier...as you could imagine
totally hogg'n the spotlight from M's teenage crush ballad "CRAZY FOR YOU"
although it did knock out that annoy'n as fucklestix charity whiner "WE ARE THE WORLD" (even if the song was fer a good cause) plus...i just felt LaToya was really just lyp-sync'n thee entire damn time
BUTT...F-O-C-U-S....
anywho'zll'ding....let's get back to the story shall we?
so my friend...we'll call him fer the purposes of anonymity...hmmmm...
gimme one sec...oh i know...how about X-a-v-i-e-r...(even though he was far from bein' some sorta exotic brazillian adult entertainer)
he looked more like some pill popp'n alcoholic housewife with insomnia issues...in acid wash jeans (hey it was 1985...don't be a judgmental judy) he calls me up frantically one even'n in the summer of '85 and told me to high tale my plump and supple A double snakes out to his place...like pronto!
feel'n the urgency in his voice...i scurried up the steps to my bathroom
smacked lips...were no longer cool but more like a sticky land'n strip of fish fly fecal matter and my aqua-netted bug shield looked more like a Pablo Pissed-off-Caso masterpiece with suicidal fish flies...each harpooned by my sharp split ends (i was neither happy...nor hungry fer this adventure in the middle of the nite any longer)
and reapplied my bonnie bell uncola (but totally cool) lip smacker...due to the fact that my lips were dry as fuck that particular even'n cuz of the barometric pressure in the air...or lack there of (i think) winged my eyes with my jet black wet n wild eyeliner once again...rebuilt my bug shield with extra super hold aqua-net...
and hopp'd on my schwinn mobile (anise red) and flew off like a hornet in heat to his home in Homer...which was approximately a leisure 20 minute bike ride (though i knew he wanted me there like yesterday) so i hadda pump up my cardio fer the even'n and flew thru the bike paths around lake Winona like a bat outta H-E-double hockey stix…
which...anyone grow'n up in the 80's on a hot humid nite knows NEVER to bike around the lakes of Winona...unless you wanna be viciously attacked by an army of fuck’n fish flies
once i reached the other end of the lakes...my entire bonnie bell uncola
by the time i reached my final destination...i noticed a vend'n truck in Rick's (i mean Xavier's) driveway...his mother "Matilda" (more on her in another post) rented the upstairs of her house to a guy who worked fer
the local vend'n machine company and apparently came home one even'n a bit inebriated and fergot to check if the doors of his vend'n truck were locked....so Xavier (always bein' a bit of a snoopy snoop that he was) found out the renter had fergotten to lock the back doors of his truck and when we opened the doors...we hit the mother fuck'n load of confectionery delights...
it was like a diabetics dream house inside!
thought my taste buds were more in tune with the dolly madison delights...
what normal 15 year old is gonna pass up the opportunity to have a school years worth of bribery fer the classroom fucktard to leave you alone
as me...Xavier and his nephew and my bff at the time...that we'll just refer
to him as Big Lipps from here on out...flung open the massive twinkie embossed doors with all our might and jumped up inside the unlit truck...in the still of that dark humid july nite...
i barely made it 2 feet inside before i ended up stubb'n my fake doc marten combat boot and flopp'n over on a heavy object that projectiled me to the front of the van...so Xavier jumped out quick to grab a flashlight from Big Lipps ma's gold lamae colored pinto blow-about mobile that we planned on use'n as our get-a-way car...to see what was block'n our stash of sugary satisfactions fer years to come
we found somethin' so much more delightful than what we had thought we would EVER stumble upon...
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
once Xavier had totally assessed the situation with his roam'n flashlight
tune in next week fer the saccharinated conclusion to SWEET TOOTH
