SWEET TOOTH pt 1

close yer eyes and picture it kittens...the time...let's just go with the 16th

century...why not!...scattered with fair maidens...bumble'n sheriffs and a witty acherist fox...with his band of merry men...who could shoot an arrow that could dance thru the air like the precision of the russian ballet...who stole from the rich and gave to the poor

awwwwwwwwwww!

now let's hop in our delorean...and fast forward to 3 centuries later

where corruption and chaos ensued across a centralized area of the US...

thanx in part to thee most famous duo...and i ain't talk'n about Orelean & Jarvis Hufflenagel and his terrify'n tambourine act...

no...i speakith of one Bonnie and Clyde...and their bank robb'n bandits...who terrified the country in the 1930's...steal'n from the banks and basically not give'n back to the those suffer'n from the great depression...which seriously...i'da give'n em a pass if they had...banks are FDIC insured fer that sorta shit anyways!

and of course who couldn't ferget about Breathless Mahoney dance'n fer her dolla's under the clutches of Big Boy Caprice and his band of misfits in the early 90's

i myself also got caught up in the romance of the wild wild midwest...

back in summer of 1985 to be perfectly honest...simply outta sheer boredom one nite of course...cuz SIMPLE MINDS damn video fer "DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME" was still the #1 video fer the 4th straight week on Mtv's top 20 video countdown in may of that year...which i was like completely over it 3 weeks earlier...as you could imagine

totally hogg'n the spotlight from M's teenage crush ballad "CRAZY FOR YOU"

although it did knock out that annoy'n as fucklestix charity whiner "WE ARE THE WORLD" (even if the song was fer a good cause) plus...i just felt LaToya was really just lyp-sync'n thee entire damn time

BUTT...F-O-C-U-S....

anywho'zll'ding....let's get back to the story shall we?

so my friend...we'll call him fer the purposes of anonymity...hmmmm...

gimme one sec...oh i know...how about X-a-v-i-e-r...(even though he was far from bein' some sorta exotic brazillian adult entertainer)

he looked more like some pill popp'n alcoholic housewife with insomnia issues...in acid wash jeans (hey it was 1985...don't be a judgmental judy) he calls me up frantically one even'n in the summer of  '85 and told me to high tale my plump and supple A double snakes out to his place...like pronto!

feel'n the urgency in his voice...i scurried up the steps to my bathroom

and reapplied my bonnie bell uncola (but totally cool) lip smacker...due to the fact that my lips were dry as fuck that particular even'n cuz of the barometric pressure in the air...or lack there of (i think) winged my eyes with my jet black wet n wild eyeliner once again...rebuilt my bug shield with extra super hold aqua-net...

and hopp'd on my schwinn mobile (anise red) and flew off like a hornet in heat to his home in Homer...which was approximately a leisure 20 minute bike ride (though i knew he wanted me there like yesterday) so i hadda pump up my cardio fer the even'n and flew thru the bike paths around lake Winona like a bat outta H-E-double hockey stix…

which...anyone grow'n up in the 80's on a hot humid nite knows NEVER to bike around the lakes of Winona...unless you wanna be viciously attacked by an army of fuck’n fish flies

once i reached the other end of the lakes...my entire bonnie bell uncola 

smacked lips...were no longer cool but more like a sticky land'n strip of fish fly fecal matter and my aqua-netted bug shield looked more like a Pablo Pissed-off-Caso masterpiece with suicidal fish flies...each harpooned by my sharp split ends (i was neither happy...nor hungry fer this adventure in the middle of the nite any longer)

by the time i reached my final destination...i noticed a vend'n truck in Rick's (i mean Xavier's) driveway...his mother "Matilda" (more on her in another post) rented the upstairs of her house to a guy who worked fer 

the local vend'n machine company and apparently came home one even'n a bit inebriated and fergot to check if the doors of his vend'n truck were locked....so Xavier (always bein' a bit of a snoopy snoop that he was) found out the renter had fergotten to lock the back doors of his truck and when we opened the doors...we hit the mother fuck'n load of confectionery delights...

it was like a diabetics dream house inside!

thought my taste buds were more in tune with the dolly madison delights...

what normal 15 year old is gonna pass up the opportunity to have a school years worth of bribery fer the classroom fucktard to leave you alone 

as me...Xavier and his nephew and my bff at the time...that we'll just refer

to him as Big Lipps from here on out...flung open the massive twinkie embossed doors with all our might and jumped up inside the unlit truck...in the still of that dark humid july nite...

i barely made it 2 feet inside before i ended up stubb'n my fake doc marten combat boot and flopp'n over on a heavy object that projectiled me to the front of the van...so Xavier jumped out quick to grab a flashlight from Big Lipps ma's gold lamae colored pinto blow-about mobile that we planned on use'n as our get-a-way car...to see what was block'n our stash of sugary satisfactions fer years to come

once Xavier had totally assessed the situation with his roam'n flashlight

we found somethin' so much more delightful than what we had thought we would EVER stumble upon...

tune in next week fer the saccharinated conclusion to SWEET TOOTH

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

Belly Up To The Bar

lurk'n in any lil tiny town across this country you will run into thee most 

mundane ordinary pedophiles i mean priests...places and thing-a-ma-jiggers...however in any BARNEY FIFE miniature metropolis you can always bet yer bottom bloomers that you'll bump into a one-of-a-kind RALPH FURLEY treasure or 2

take fer instance...my lil shit hole town...i mean my quaint lil shit hole town

where i spent a small portion of my pre and post ejaculatory existence WINONA, MN established in 1857 allegedly named after some native american princess who did a nose dive off a non saccrinated solid mass of mineraloid matter atop a massive mound of dirt molested in foliage completely unaware of the carbonite pit wait'n fer her down below that the town folk setup fer some indian named SKYWALKER but needed someone to test it out prior and unfortunately PRINCESS WINONA decided to become the test pilot on that fateful afternoon...

and is still encased in that carbonite to this very day...allegedly!

the other 3 gemstones that put my fair lil town of fuckery on the map was

the fact that hollyweird screen goddess WINONA RYDER was named after our sensible yet senile city

the best damn maple long john's on the planet are found at our lil bakery since 1924...not up fer discussion 

(fuck Dunkin dickwads and Crispy crappers)

and of course thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe  KRYSTAL KLEER also known as ME!

BUTT wait...there's more...

with mask restrictions lifted in almost every water'n hole around town

everyone is desperately die'n to gather together with their latest on-line STD to shoot the shit over a nice cold brewski or a pretty lil rimmed cocktail just like Jack...Janet and Crissy did in the 70's and 80's when they popped into their fav-o-rit corner bar "THE REGAL BEAGLE" 

so it's only fitt'n that after a very long heel-less 23,328 non tipped hours 

(that's over 2 1/2 years fer you non googlers) 

my dimly lit spotlight will once again shine upon that glorious eyesore i call my hometown as i take to the stage as MC and perform'n host fer the 2nd annual  PRIDE event at everyone's fav-o-rit lil corner dui destination located in blister'n beautiful downtown WINONA, MN saturday june 26th 2021 at the "NO NAME BAR" 

i thought i'd catch up with the dynamic duo sibling owners and very close 

personal stalkers of mine since the 80's CYNTHIA & BRIAN KNOUFT just to see how their artsy lil establishment of spirits has survived the worst plague... 

since DEBBIE GIBSON's electric youth perfume!

how have things been fer you all ever since the whole COVID crap?

COVID was a real challenge for us and we spent most of last year closed. Even when we were allowed to open last summer we chose to remain closed because the case count was so high locally. Finances were a struggle but we were able to remain in the business with the help of the PPP program as well as local grants and low interest loans.

One can only assume that the whole damn panic over the pandemic 

pretty much wiped out yer customer base...true?

Not at all, in fact our customers have been incredibly supportive during the pandemic by purchasing merchandise and drink chips while we were closed. When they've been ready and able to come back, we're often the first bar they've come to visit in a year.

have the town folk responded kindly after the state lifted it's lockdown  

and the mask mandate?

people are excited to be out and about and it's been very good for business. Weekends have been busier than ever. The stimulus money has also been great for business!

what are you plann'n to help bring back the crowds of yester year and 

will their be any big surprises to keep em tap dance'n til dawn? 

Being primarily an event-based business, the shutdowns forced us to be a little more creative to draw new and existing customers in. We've upped our cocktail game quite a bit in an attempt to expand beyond just being a beer and shot bar. During last summer/early fall of last year we hosted a couple of outdoor music events (social distanced of course). Prior to the restrictions on live indoor performances being lifted we began hosting DJ nights every weekend. These have become quite popular and we've seen a lot of new faces-people who had never been to our bar pre-pandemic and are now just discovering us.

ummm and how excited am i to meet those incredibly amaze'n bands you have popp'n in "TIMISAROCKER" and "ALIEN BOOK CLUB"

along with ME thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe KRYSTAL KLEER as the misstressed mc/performer of this gala PRIDE event yer hold'n fer anyone over 21 on sat june 26th from 5pm til close with a $10 cover

and now we've come to my fav-o-rit part of the interview i like to just call

"can we talk about ME fer a change?"  

basically what i want right now is fer you to bounce into yer best Barbara Walters blouse and ask my ANYTHING under the rainbow...well except about rainbows cuz that's just fuck'n lazy journalism?

hmmm...seems like we're have'n a lil testical difficulties...

come'on...LADY BUNNY LESLIE GORDAN and NELLIE OLESON from LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE had no difficulties ask'n me one!

tick tock tick tock tick tock...

hmmmm....okaaaaaaaaaaay...well apparently Jiminy ain't the only cricket!

so i wanna thank the fab owners of NO NAME BAR...CYNTHIA KNOUFT

and BRIAN KNOUFT fer take'n time outta their busy schedule fer this lil pow wow and fer graciously putt'n my A-double snakes back on stage to host their 2nd annual PRIDE event (click here fer all the info) hope to see you there kittens and don't ferget to bring ya holla's and ya dolla's cuz in the immortal words of one DOLLY PARTON...

"it costs alotta money to look this cheap!

HAPPY PRIDE on what ever...where ever...who ever or how ever you choose to celebrate it kittens!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

DR FEEL SO GOOD!

just close yer eyes kittens and picture it....the year was 1986

and the alcoholic wives simply known as MOTLEY CRUE were all the rage and take'n over the airwaves as well as the tv screens...considered to be the mistresses of ol' hot head himself...Lucifer...the CRUE were corrode'n the mentally unmorally majority of uptight christian societal circles everywhere...from Kalamazoo to Timbuktu...putt'n a bastardly bee in their fuckless bonnets...and i fer one...couldn't have been more happier!

well...lemme back it up by a year...where i could'a been beyond over  

the moon (that would be 1985 fer those mathematical challengers still try'na count it out on their lil piggies) when i spent hours wash'n dishes...endless piles of my sibs cloths and scrubb'n the kitchen floor til 3 am roughly...til it was good enough to eat off of it without have'n to contact the Center for Disease Control...all just to get a ticket to the hottest show on the planet that year...in the month of may...the 21st to be exact...MADONNA's Virgin Tour in St Paul, MN...

that was ALL my scrawny lil teenage angst riddled A-double snakes longed for...fer the the next 10 birthdays & christmas's combined (hypothetically speak'n of course...i mean come on...i was a teenager after all) 

W-E-L-L...suffice it to say...Joan never even considered my desperate plea...and i was completely DENIED...due to the fact that Joan said "ya ain't goin to see her cuz they do drugs at those concerts" (that is an almost direct quote...from what my feeble lil mind remembers) and of course this was NOT backed up with ANY sufficient evidence what so ever to please me!

it was the 80's...BUTT of course...

the follow'n year i would win 4 tix on a call in contest from K.A.G.E radio 

to the bad ass glam gurls of heavy metal "GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS TOUR"...and my cuz Dan drove me and bundle of my sibs down in his Sanford & Son truck to see MOTLEY CRUE reek havoc at the Lacrosse Center in Lacrosse WI...

with the other suedo shopko famous alcoholic wives...WHITESNAKE...open'n fer em

i would eventually have to live vicariously thru a VHS version of the M's immaculate show a couple years later...once i saved up enough money from my pop can collection

bike'n all over town just try'na do my part to clean up our fair city of Winona fer some coinage

ANY'WHO'ZILL'DING...it was time fer lil ol' me to take a mini covid vaca

this week...so i thought i'd give ya a lil bit of read'n material to munch on

though i've lost musical contact with the band over the years...i recently fell in absofuckinglute LOVE...with the band's uber talented head bang'n

drummer TOMMY LEE...NO! not cuz i finally got to watch that mini production with his maxi produce department make'n his X wife Pamela Anderson sit and spin like a pinwheel on a hot and windy summer afternoon aboard some boat in the south of France years ago (or wherever the fuck it was) OH NO! it's cuz he retweeted a tweet...which was an exerpt from a lesser unknown common person (that you can learn about from his razor sharp brilliance at amazon.com) who didn't hold back when it came to the current mentally deranged and highly demented IMPEACHED FOR LIFE sociopathetik corrupt lie'n sack of orange anal warts and pig shit disgrace'n the planet and humanity...simply lay'n out and prey'n that he'll be sipp'n sangria outta his colostomy bag this nov. 3rd that i accidentally came across on TOMMY's tweet fer his twatters one rainy afternoon:

 and scene...THANK U THANK U THANK U TOMMY fer tweet'n yer twatters with this very pertinent and poignant assessment!

if you can...VOTE NOW...or you better by nov. 3rd to bring back sanity 

and serenity to the planet and remember PUHLEEZ...

GET OFF MY DRESS!