the last EH!

it has been a long enough time ago...in a theater not so far far away...

so if you haven't seen the conclusion to the most talked about trilogy x3 (also referred to as milk'n a dead horse) in the universe of film by now...well then fuck off and go before you read any further...

bein' one of the originals that actually seen THEE original with my dad...

 and 5 sibs at the time...back in 1977...all i can say from what i don't even remember from that time period any longer...outside of the few remnants that i had managed to save in my desk at school a couple years later...was that this was thee most imaginationally magically delicious film i had ever witnessed in my life...and still to this day!

though i can say...after see'n the finale fer the 2 1/2 times...it's s-o-r-t-a

grow'n on me...but lemme start with the coolest visually stimulate'n character in the entire film...and this petrified apricot leader with an attitude of the unexplained First Order...WAS NOT it!

although...i did quite fancy his imperial chamber...it had this sorta ala galactic kool-aid blood clot motif thing happen'n...which was very minimalistically slick and presentational...

think Ming's palace...without all that clutter

no...the 1st new character to command my cornea's attention was his eye popp'n Praetorian Guards...decked out in sleek cherry red armadillo armor...ripped right off the runways of fashion week in Tatooine (i can only assume)...with it's peek-a-boo side slit to show off those match'n shiny patent PETA approved knee high gogo boots...

made their functionality envious of all other guards thru-out the galaxy...especially their distant cousins...the Royal Guards

award fer the most annoy'n waste of screen time goes to...

 these bloated weeble wobble rats with wings...sold to the audience as Porgs (or more appropriately titled "design us somethin' we can market to milk the parents of all those lil whiney basturds that'll go apeshit over them") i don't think i need to inform you that they were just a complete waste of technological magic

sorry Charlie...but yer only spinn'n crap outta gold...no matter how hard ya try

after 40 years of fly'n from planet to planet thru-out the galaxy...

Skywalker goes from dream date...to undominant daddy...seriously?

after he checked into Shady pines on the breath take'n and majestically beautiful island of Ahch-To...you'd think he'd kick back and relax by the Ahch-To sea sipp'n on sangrias and solve'n galactic crossword puzzles...but OOOOH NO!...someone needed to check their attitude...along with their cape...at the door...Luke was such a crotchety colostomy bag thru-out this film...

but...in his defense...i guess you would be a pain in the light-saber to deal with to if you hadda depend on yer turtles in waiting constantly serve'n you a metamucil martini...when you know you specifically ordered a manhattan on the rocks

and believe me when i say...i'm all about memorable corny lines ...

from intergalalatic space chatter like  "will someone get this big walking carpet out of my way? (among many many others)

but that whole "can you here me now?...i'm on hold" bullshit between Poe make'n a person to person  intergalactic ship connection with General Hux durin' the first 30 minutes of the flick...try'na just stall fer time so the Rebels could jump into light speed...gimme a fuck'n break!

that's like discretely try'n cross sell MADONNA's new album when you find out that she was originally supposed to be Kylo Ren's love interest on the planet of Jakku...hey...she's just a hard work'n mother of 6...

work'n hard for the money!

and speak'n of Kylo Ren...who knew what was underneath all that evil apparel...grrrrrranimal!...he's all so grrrrravy on my mashed potatoes!...call me anytime Kylo...i'm wait'n!

i'm all about a gal try'n keep up appearances with a new galactic quaff

 every now and then...to feel fresher than an Ewok on Endor and all...

(stormtrooper) BUTT...

H-E-L-L-O...where in the sam H-E-double hockey stix did Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo find a QVC on Gatalenta with L'Oreal #34 Lavender Bliss?...cuz i could'a swore i read somewhere that the Imperial Senate banned all chemically enhanced pigment sales since 3653 BBY (that's Before the Battle of Yavin...do yer research kittens!)...and besides...

she just looked like Effie's aunt from the Hunger Games...AND...not to mention...

all i kept see'n the whole damn entire time durin' the duration of the film was Dr. Ellie Sattler...thank LEIA...she finally jumped into light speed
(and trust me...it wasn't soon enough!)

as far as make'n it a family affair...i get it...sorta...(i really don't)

but it was awfully nice that Miss Fisher could pull some strings with the force to get her daughter in the film...but what's up with that name...Lieutenant Connix?...quiet frankly to me...she just sounded more like an STD...and ok F-I-N-E...i get the homage to yer mother's iconic cinnabuns from the beginn'n of the franchise...but come on kittens (wait...no don't actually...that's not nice) that's just a sloppy beauty school drop out style at best...cuz they're more interested in who's hitt'n em up on Tinder/Grindr durin' hair & make-up

and as much as i luved me some Leia through-out the entire series...

(and i truly did) when that ship...MC85 Star Cruiser...that she was try'n get to the closest galaxy gas station before they stalled in space...ended up gett'n blown up by storm troopers...cuz her son Kylo lost his evil balls...Leia was the only one to survive the destruction as she floated thru space like some intergalactic mary poppins...to the new ship because of the force?...ummm...if that's the case...

then can someone explain to me why oh why did poor Obi Wan die when he was sliced in half by Vader 40 years earlier...hmmm?...what...was the force a bit prejudice against raisin ranch'n hermits perhaps back in the 70's?

of course there was plenty of staple fight scenes of good versus evil...

though visually stimulate'n on the big screen...the battle of Crait...where Luke succumbs to the same faded demise as his jedi master Yoda...

is completely blanketed in salt...seriously?...Leia can survive float'n in space without any sorta breath'n apparatus...(thanx to the force of course)...but the force couldn't save Luke from breath'n a highly toxic sodium intake?...you wanna hide out in a planet full of salt...then you check with yer doctor first...that's just a simple pimple tip from yer unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own galaxy!

btw...i do totally wanna own one of these crystalline wolf/fox/dog/linx thing-a-ma-jiggers though...i mean...why not!...they were pretty cool

all in all...i was glad i went to THE LAST JEDI...notice i said G-L-A-D...

 i'd be an idiot not to...unlike the prequels when i actually was...and of course i will buy the dvd just to complete my collection

to sum it up...the franchise will never end...now that the goddamn

 mouse house owns it...let's just hope that they don't bastardize thee entire galaxy fer US originals (and YES it's ALL about US who were there from the start)...i'm sure the follow'n one will be called somethin' like:
STAR WARS: HEY GUYS...COME BACK...WE FOUND ANOTHER JEDI

i am ABSOLUTELY psyched to see "SOLO" next may...but if they fuck up my grade school crush...i'm out!

now get off my dress!


ps...a good friend & genius puppeteer who's entertained countless kids thru-out the mid-west for the past 20 years from high school (and his kids) lost everything on NYE morn'n to a house fire...if yer a great supporter of the arts...Dr. Bob would be beyond grateful...thanx!
click here to donate

BIG WIGS or CORPORATE PIGS?

say kittens...i'm gonna be outta town on a very very VERY...

top secret covert mission fer the next couple of days...that may or may not affect most of you out there...all i can hint fer now is that...

if yer in the Minne-Apple area...

wait'n in complete a-n-t-i-c-i-p-a-t-i-o-n... 

fer the last installment of the "APRIL SHOWERS bring BITCH FLOWERS"

well...at least the last one involve'n me...

THEE UNINTENTIONALLY INTERNATIONALLY UNKNOWN PERFORM'N ILLUSIONIST OF MY OWN UNIVERSE

event at the Varsity theater in april 2014...

BOY will you be surprised!

so i can't be bothered to be yer personal love slave...

hand-out free relationship advice on how to "cover up" yer "under the covers" lover(s)...or quite frankly...give 2 shits what's happen'n in the world around me at the moment this week...cuz i'm relish'n in my "own" moment presently

i've searched the blog galaxy far and wide fer the perfect replacement...

so til i return...i have placed my stolen thoughts borrowed words of wisdom in this R2 unit...but i'm take'n FULL CREDIT fer add'n the snaps to keep you awake...which is really WHY you read my blog week after week
dont'cha kittens?

hope you enjoy it...as much as i had steal'n it read'n it...so without further ado...i do hope you get the message!

rereleased from the blog universe @ http://www.mamapop.com/

The moment that I learned of the twin girls in my belly,

I resolved not to send two hoes into the world. I'd teach them that self-expression is always more important than playing nice, and I'd warn them that waiting around for someone else to make their dreams come true is not only futile but downright scallywag.

So imagine my horror when my toddlers took to Disney princesses.

And it goes beyond merely watching the movies and buying the merchandise: My girls have lived as those characters for the past three years. They've all but forgotten how to count to 5, but they can curtsy, smile and gasp on cue. The standard name for each color has been replaced by the name of the princess with the corresponding branding: "Belle" for "yellow," "Tiana" for "green," "Cinderella" for "blue," "Sleeping Beauty" for "pink," etc. The feminist inside me wept -- until, eavesdropping on their usual princess gab, I overheard the following statement:

"My favorite princess is Ariel, and yours is Cinderella,

and Mommy's favorite princess is Sharon Needles."

Then and there, the door blew open. You see, Sharon Needles

is not just a princess but a queen, a strong, creative, groundbreaking, wickedly brilliant queen. I suddenly realized that there was more than one direction that I could push the princess mania, because my children could not distinguish between a Disney princess and a drag queen.

Indeed, the parallels between the two are downright uncanny.

Both wear grandiose costumes and perform signature songs. Big hair is an absolute staple across the board. Both have been known to make their shining debut at the local ball. And, like it or not, a midnight transformation is all but inevitable.

I couldn't help the pride swelling inside me at the thought of the possibilities, mainly because I despise Disney princesses. Regardless of the amount of money that I've pumped into their franchise, I feel that the psychology

behind the tiara is a mockery of the values that I swore to instill in my daughters. 

Meanwhile, shoving your balls into your pelvic cavity might not make you a real woman, but it doesn't preclude you from being a better role model than a Disney princess.

Let's start with the obvious discrimination in the princess community,

shall we?

While most of the princesses are still blonde-haired, blue-eyed white girls, Disney has conjured a half-assed attempt to include a few other cultures, 

so you have Mulan, Jasmine and Pocahontas breaking the Aryan glass ceiling, though you'd have a hard time finding them anywhere but in the back row. It only took Disney 86 years to drop its Jim Crow laws

 and allow Tiana, the black princess, an invitation to the ball. 

But discrimination in the drag community? I'm pretty sure that the only requirement is to have a penis duct-taped between your legs; other than that, anything goes.

Secondly, ever wonder how those princesses are getting their fancy gowns and blinged-out crowns? Of the 11 Disney princesses currently included

in the franchise, only one has ever had a job.
(Apparently Tiana was born with such a socioeconomic disadvantage that she had to work two jobs to even attempt to make her big princess dreams a reality. [See also: discrimination.] And after all that hard work, she still couldn't seem to get ahead until she locked down a prince whose family could buy her those dreams.) 

Drag queens, on the other hand, have a strong work ethic. Basically, if a queen isn't working her butt pads off, she isn't making tips. No one is going to pay to watch a man put on a sequined dress and sit in the middle of the dance floor.

Finally, in the world of drag, a sense of humor is as fundamental

as proper padding and the ability to "read." You won't find a money-making queen who doesn't camp it up with her audience. Laughter is what helps us persevere; it lifts us out of our struggles. 

Yet I can't recall one princess with the ability to laugh at her ridiculous

plights.

If you've lost your parents only to be enslaved in a rat-infested tower, your tone should be more sarcastic than Arrested Development meets Curb Your Enthusiasm. Instead, the princesses always awaken into a smiling song -- a clear red flag, in my opinion.

Stepmother had better check the cellar for a hidden artillery of crockpot explosives.

When it comes down to it, I respect drag queens. They are artists.

They are able to conceptualize an idea and transform themselves -- without the help of magic, I might add. They are risk takers. They are punk. But Disney princesses? They are a man-made franchise created to sell cheaply made shit to our daughters. They are a perpetuation of the stereotype of the weak, dumb woman who obediently waits for a man to come along and make her valuable. 

Between the two I'll always promote the big-wigged man crooning
"I'm Every Woman." Werq.

hope you enjoyed today's rip-off  inspirational message and consider the endless possibilities of empowerment fer yer own lil girl or fabulous boy ..

next time you pick out their gift or costume fer whatever occasion...instead of force'n them to choke on some corporate pigs ideals...that'll end up leave'n you emotionally bankrupt...i mean seriously...you only own them legally til their 18...so let them become...

THEE UNINTENTIONALLY INTERNATIONALLY UNKNOWN PERFORM'N ILLUSIONIST OF THEIR OWN UNIVERSE...if they want to...it's NO ALL THAT BAD!

now get off my dress