get off my dress: THE LAST JEDI

Showing posts with label THE LAST JEDI. Show all posts

Monday, January 1, 2018

the last EH!

it has been a long enough time ago...in a theater not so far far away...

so if you haven't seen the conclusion to the most talked about trilogy x3 (also referred to as milk'n a dead horse) in the universe of film by now...well then fuck off and go before you read any further...

bein' one of the originals that actually seen THEE original with my dad...

and 5 sibs at the time...back in 1977...all i can say from what i don't even remember from that time period any longer...outside of the few remnants that i had managed to save in my desk at school a couple years later...was that this was thee most imaginationally magically delicious film i had ever witnessed in my life...and still to this day!

though i can say...after see'n the finale fer the 2 1/2 times...it's s-o-r-t-a

grow'n on me...but lemme start with the coolest visually stimulate'n character in the entire film...and this petrified apricot leader with an attitude of the unexplained First Order...WAS NOT it!

although...i did quite fancy his imperial chamber...it had this sorta ala galactic kool-aid blood clot motif thing happen'n...which was very minimalistically slick and presentational...

think Ming's palace...without all that clutter

no...the 1st new character to command my cornea's attention was his eye popp'n Praetorian Guards...decked out in sleek cherry red armadillo armor...ripped right off the runways of fashion week in Tatooine (i can only assume)...with it's peek-a-boo side slit to show off those match'n shiny patent PETA approved knee high gogo boots...

made their functionality envious of all other guards thru-out the galaxy...especially their distant cousins...the Royal Guards

award fer the most annoy'n waste of screen time goes to...

these bloated weeble wobble rats with wings...sold to the audience as Porgs (or more appropriately titled "design us somethin' we can market to milk the parents of all those lil whiney basturds that'll go apeshit over them") i don't think i need to inform you that they were just a complete waste of technological magic

sorry Charlie...but yer only spinn'n crap outta gold...no matter how hard ya try

after 40 years of fly'n from planet to planet thru-out the galaxy...

Skywalker goes from dream date...to undominant daddy...seriously?

after he checked into Shady pines on the breath take'n and majestically beautiful island of Ahch-To...you'd think he'd kick back and relax by the Ahch-To sea sipp'n on sangrias and solve'n galactic crossword puzzles...but OOOOH NO!...someone needed to check their attitude...along with their cape...at the door...Luke was such a crotchety colostomy bag thru-out this film...

but...in his defense...i guess you would be a pain in the light-saber to deal with to if you hadda depend on yer turtles in waiting constantly serve'n you a metamucil martini...when you know you specifically ordered a manhattan on the rocks

and believe me when i say...i'm all about memorable corny lines ...

from intergalalatic space chatter like "will someone get this big walking carpet out of my way? (among many many others)

but that whole "can you here me now?...i'm on hold" bullshit between Poe make'n a person to person intergalactic ship connection with General Hux durin' the first 30 minutes of the flick...try'na just stall fer time so the Rebels could jump into light speed...gimme a fuck'n break!

that's like discretely try'n cross sell MADONNA's new album when you find out that she was originally supposed to be Kylo Ren's love interest on the planet of Jakku...hey...she's just a hard work'n mother of 6...

work'n hard for the money!

and speak'n of Kylo Ren...who knew what was underneath all that evil apparel...grrrrrranimal!...he's all so grrrrravy on my mashed potatoes!...call me anytime Kylo...i'm wait'n!

i'm all about a gal try'n keep up appearances with a new galactic quaff

every now and then...to feel fresher than an Ewok on Endor and all...

(stormtrooper) BUTT...

H-E-L-L-O...where in the sam H-E-double hockey stix did Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo find a QVC on Gatalenta with L'Oreal #34 Lavender Bliss?...cuz i could'a swore i read somewhere that the Imperial Senate banned all chemically enhanced pigment sales since 3653 BBY (that's Before the Battle of Yavin...do yer research kittens!)...and besides...

she just looked like Effie's aunt from the Hunger Games...AND...not to mention...

all i kept see'n the whole damn entire time durin' the duration of the film was Dr. Ellie Sattler...thank LEIA...she finally jumped into light speed
(and trust me...it wasn't soon enough!)

as far as make'n it a family affair...i get it...sorta...(i really don't)

but it was awfully nice that Miss Fisher could pull some strings with the force to get her daughter in the film...but what's up with that name...Lieutenant Connix?...quiet frankly to me...she just sounded more like an STD...and ok F-I-N-E...i get the homage to yer mother's iconic cinnabuns from the beginn'n of the franchise...but come on kittens (wait...no don't actually...that's not nice) that's just a sloppy beauty school drop out style at best...cuz they're more interested in who's hitt'n em up on Tinder/Grindr durin' hair & make-up

and as much as i luved me some Leia through-out the entire series...

(and i truly did) when that ship...MC85 Star Cruiser...that she was try'n get to the closest galaxy gas station before they stalled in space...ended up gett'n blown up by storm troopers...cuz her son Kylo lost his evil balls...Leia was the only one to survive the destruction as she floated thru space like some intergalactic mary poppins...to the new ship because of the force?...ummm...if that's the case...

then can someone explain to me why oh why did poor Obi Wan die when he was sliced in half by Vader 40 years earlier...hmmm?...what...was the force a bit prejudice against raisin ranch'n hermits perhaps back in the 70's?

of course there was plenty of staple fight scenes of good versus evil...

though visually stimulate'n on the big screen...the battle of Crait...where Luke succumbs to the same faded demise as his jedi master Yoda...

is completely blanketed in salt...seriously?...Leia can survive float'n in space without any sorta breath'n apparatus...(thanx to the force of course)...but the force couldn't save Luke from breath'n a highly toxic sodium intake?...you wanna hide out in a planet full of salt...then you check with yer doctor first...that's just a simple pimple tip from yer unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own galaxy!

btw...i do totally wanna own one of these crystalline wolf/fox/dog/linx thing-a-ma-jiggers though...i mean...why not!...they were pretty cool

all in all...i was glad i went to THE LAST JEDI...notice i said G-L-A-D...

i'd be an idiot not to...unlike the prequels when i actually was...and of course i will buy the dvd just to complete my collection

to sum it up...the franchise will never end...now that the goddamn

mouse house owns it...let's just hope that they don't bastardize thee entire galaxy fer US originals (and YES it's ALL about US who were there from the start)...i'm sure the follow'n one will be called somethin' like:
STAR WARS: HEY GUYS...COME BACK...WE FOUND ANOTHER JEDI

i am ABSOLUTELY psyched to see "SOLO" next may...but if they fuck up my grade school crush...i'm out!

now get off my dress!

ps...a good friend & genius puppeteer who's entertained countless kids thru-out the mid-west for the past 20 years from high school (and his kids) lost everything on NYE morn'n to a house fire...if yer a great supporter of the arts...Dr. Bob would be beyond grateful...thanx!
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Monday, December 18, 2017

a stocking full of coal

well...i wish i could share with you some absofuckinglutely nostalgic...

reflectional stories of my christmas's past fer this merried of holiglazed seasons...full of my aunt Orlene's embarrassment...(ps...i rarely give disclaimers...only cuz it cuts down on my merried of subscribers thru-out the globe...and perhaps...B-E-Y-O-N-D...but if yer read'n this from yer orifice computer at this time...may i suggest...minimalization may be in order)

while sing'n classic bombastic christmas carols around an open trash canned fire to all the homeless hookers down the street from me...(ps...don't say i didn't warn ya)

and unwrapp'n a twinkie i found hidden underneath my xxxmas tree

unfortunately...all Santa's been pull'n outta his bag-o-tricks is just a fuck'n box of inhumane bricks this week (but grrrrranimal right?...he can come down my chimney A-N-Y-T-I-M-E)

let's begin with ALABAMA shall we?...now just to set the record straight...

this has nothing to do with the fact that Dick Van Patten's doppelganger and the southern political underdog who won the special election by the hair of his double chinny chin

even though he successfully prosecuted the murder of 4 black girls by the KKK almost 2 decades after the crime was commited

it's the fact that ALMOST HALF of the brain dead righteously retarded CASPER crusaders that voted in Sweet Homophobia Alabama...preferred a morally corrupt pedophile over a morally unreprehensible snowflake...

yea...well guess what ROY...FUCK YOU and that unfortunate horse that you cohorsed (see what i did there?) into lett'n you ride him in on...cuz yer dastardly power...is finally OVER!

thanx to the sista's that hadda do it for themselves!

next up...is about my 1st actual non sexual...sexually charged date fer the past 2 years...that i've been sorta crush'n on for pretty much the past 20...

well...needless to say...that's all that needs to be said...you can come to yer own twisted conclusions

lastly in enterpainment newz...THE LAST JEDI (say it ain't so...puhleez!)

now of course...i wish'd i could'a been there the first time around when those galactic words scrolled up the screen back in the 70's...but i hadda learn all about it in history class a decade later (insert laugh here) i know yer think'n to yerself...well...that just ain't possible!

that I...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...could'a been at the biggest open'n on the planet...even though when most people think of big open'ns...they think of me...so YES i was there...and of course...much like my supplely plump smooth-n-creamy white alabaster A double snakes...i hadda be at the last open'n

i waited 40 years for this...and i hadda mentally prepare myself for what i was about to experience

popcorn...CHECK

cocktail...CHECK

mini hamburger w/all the fix'ns shaped kleenex...CHECK

cell phone advert...advise'n the audience to shut off their cellular devices and enjoy the movie...(which i had already previously done prior to said anoucement cuz my fuck'n battery was already die'n...DAMN YOU VERIZON!) CHECK

and then it all began to come to an end...

fer sitt'n next to me was this millennial vaginal wart who showed up 5 minutes after the movie had already begun...with her tampon tag-a-long...both completely marinate'n in vommitous JLo GLO (don't' ask me how i know...i just do)...who most likely only came to the show cuz their brain dead penile implants paid fer them to get more culture in them to balance out their cottage cheese ass...so as they said their goodbyes to one another fer the next 30 seconds and turn off their cells...

i'd wished i'd worn my Victorian inspired hazmat suit like i had planned to...so i could enjoy this cinematic masterpiece...in peace

about 15 minutes after said vag warts sat down...i notice a bright flash'n

light distract'n my left peripheral vision...apparently the meat wallet sitt'n to my left decided to "discretely" check her texts...you know...as if yer damn TINDER match couldn't wait 2 1/2 hrs...i was about to go all Anal Annie on her ass...but i thought...HEY!...hey...calm yer tits down...there's other people in the theater and you don't wanna ruin it fer the rest of em...(like she was fer me) so i let it slide...that is...until 10 minutes later...

it was like my cornea's were gett'n seared by some pain in the ass cellular light saber...needless to say...i wasn't too damn happy at this point...cuz this stench trench was work'n my last good jedi nerve

only compunded by the fact that to my exact right was mr snifflelufagus...FUCK'N GREAT...i'm stuck in surround sound hell of rudeness...but i did my best to breath in...then breath out...this has to be the end...RIGHT?

the bowels of my inner'ds were turn'n outwards and bubble'n up like Mount Saint McClaine chatt'n with the nurse'n staff...but i did my best...that is...UNTIL...strike number three...by now i could no longer hold back my containment of contempt fer the cancoreous penis purse!

so i loaded my proton torpedoes....punched her with a left elbow hook to her esophagus and blew this inconsiderate cunt ruffle to smithereens!

then i walked out very gingerly with my inflamed cheeks shine'n brighter than Rudolph's nose and demanded a full refund from the ~~manager~~ zit cream on duty (and a complimentary massage from the popcorn attendant) hey i was there...you weren't

suffice it to say...i didn't get more than 30 minutes or so outta the whole damn show...so i can't really say much about it...well EXCEPT one thing...