LAID OVER!

hey kittens...remember that time when Susan was being seriously stalked

by that bored alabastered housewife from New Jersey...who was married to that one anal wart of a hot tub sales man...desperately search'n fer a breath of refresh air in her mundane 'burban life...like most usually do...once the aisle they sooo desperately yearned to walk down (before they turned into a bingo card carry’n colostomy bag in orthopedics)...turns into an aisle full of baby wipes and bunion remover

so there i was last fri morn'n...4:30 in the am hours...listen'n to all these

damn blue birds outside my bedroom window...after awake'n from a dream i so desperately wanted to fall back into (insert yer dirty mind here) bitch'n about all the sudden heavy snow flakes blanket'n the spring skies in the Minne-Apple...like everyone else post'n on social media in the surround'n tri-state areas...but like the our very own lil Purple paisley man once sang so eloquently many many moons ago..."SOMETIMES IT'S SNOWS IN APRIL" (so get the forever fucks over it already...kapeesh!...geesh!)

BUTT...anyways

as i scrolled thru all the typical BS from the weather whiner posts and

 lame pop quiz tests of people who are absolutely amazed that some totally random "russian" FB troll site...say'n that they looked like some famous succulent super model walk'n the runways of Paris 

as all their loser friends leave 'em pissy comments ...cuz all they got was Pauly Shore when they took the same text...(so they have'ta call an emergency meet'n with their inspirational low self esteem group)

instead of own'n what they really look like...without 100 filters cover'n up their shame and life choices...but i guess if it makes you feel better about yer mundane life...why not!

3 hrs later...still trapped in my comfy bed...all alone...i get a mini chime

that one of my FB "friends" is desperately stranded at the Minne-Apple/St Paulie gurl international airport from the BIG APPLE...via his way to his San Francisco treat...fer the next 6 or so hours...due to the sudden snow storm that had blanketed our fair city...so i clicked on the notification

GRRRRRRRRRAVY on my mashed potatoes!

i planned on turn'n my couch into a palatial movie theater fer the day...

due to the weather...and OD on thee best series to split my plump and supple A double snakes apart since Jerri went back to the 9th grade (and when it wasn't against the #metoo law to actually laugh)

with the cast of SCHITT'S CREEK....

(if you haven't yet...you'd be an absolute A double snake not too...i'm just say'n)

ANYWHO'Z'LL'DING...as i was say'n!

i felt the urgency in his post...and felt it was my civic duty...to feel him up...

i mean feel him out...plus i needed a good reason to lay off the corn nuts...and hunt fer some new nuts...cuz most people would think i'm nuts to randomly pick up a stranger at an airport...it's the standard plot point in any murder-fer-hire movie on lifetime television...

well...one thing you should know about me is...don't ever tell me the odd's

 cuz i'm a gambler!

after spatula'n my body outta bed...i took a lil birdie bath in my tiny sink

spritz'n myself down generously with some jean nate' after bath body splash...and molested the back of  my earlobes with a lil of Debbie Gibson's "electric youth" parfume (cuz i can...don't judge!) and flew off to the airport like a bat outta boredom H-E-double hockey stix!

by the time i had arrived...he was wait'n patiently in the doorway

as one should when they're meet'n an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...touch'n me fer the very 1st time...it was like we had known each other fer years...(well in FB years anyways)..once he planted his bags in my back seat...and he planted his seat in my front...we were off to destination numero uno 1

MINNEHAHA FALLS...he was in complete awe...ohhhhh....AWWWWW...and sooo ja'dorable!

after a quick 2 cent tour thru the downtown of Minne-Apple

it was time to show him my big blue cock...that's down the street from my shitbox...

at the sculpture gardens...and though i wanted to pop my cherry...simply from his excitement...it was time to pop over to my place...cuz his socks allegedly were soaked from hopp'n thru the snow like a buffed out bambi

once inside my shitbox...he made himself a lil more c-o-m-f-o-r-t-a-b-l-e

as i put on my fav-o-rit  Burt Bacharach record...he laid back on my hide-a-way bed...which was remarkably open...but i said NO...

NO DAMN BURT...the only thing you outta be play'n right now is with yer

Salvadorian sailor...and SOOOOO...

oops...ever so very sorry...testicle difficulties!

turns out we both were HUNGry...so it was time fer a lil afternoon lunch...

after a lil afternoon delight munch...and of course i took him to the staple of uptown cuisine that every outta towner wants me to take 'em to...and he was not disappointed!

once i had paid the check...we were back on my broomstick & off to 

the airport  & minutes later...we pulled into the gate with one minute to spare...feel'n forever fulfilled that i had finally completed my most charitable act of the year...we bid our proverbial adios's and he went on his mary lil way to his

so remember...that on the way to yer dreams...sometimes you find a new one...

until we meet again my fine as wine FB friend....and i know we will

get off my dress!

Oh brother...what art thou think'n?

we have all tried to make our mark in the world at some point or another

to not be forgotten...to make people remember exactly how it great it was to be alive at that very moment in time...

whether it be topp'n the charts...all while model'n poly blends from TEMPO in the 70's 

or perhaps bein' the Van Gogh for the sexual pleasures of others...by try'n to dip into the perfect shade of pink in the 80's

or me become'n a drug bunny fer the government...for all men with erectile dysfunction over the age of 40 that owe an enormous pat on my back in the 90's

of course no other job will leave an everlast'n impression on the world

than when you are the head honcho in the oval orifice...work'n as hard as you can fer the kittens around country that voted fer them....from OBAMA make'n history as the 1st non caucasian make'n nice twice in the WHITE HOUSE...(there is no BUSH in this line up...well...cuz like my own...i've removed it from my life completely) CLINTON bein the only prez since tricky Dick to give us a surplus...REAGAN give'n us his best alzheimerictic act'n...that was "possibly" caused by choke'n down all those yellow #5 jellybeans while in command...while Carter just gave us nuts!

so i happen to run across a random FB post one day about the current 

piece of mentally deranged pigshit disgrace'n the WH and the country...in my feed...who constantly lies...and decided to leave a simple "observation" of what i saw in the picture

yes some could say he just cleared it off fer the photo shoot..while others could say:

well...some known stalker...who deserves his anonymity...(well cuz they're not an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe...like myself...and i'm not about to make them any more famous than they already are by appear'n in my world famous blog) decided to question my "observational" comment with a rebuttal...(which i suggest you should not do)

problem #1: start'n off by say'n yer not a "fan as a person"...while try'n to decipher the obvious "observational" joke that i had planted fer all to see for FB eternity...shows INTENT to justify yer support/justification for said pigshit...plain and simple (it's unavoidable)

problem #2: typical repuglicant response by try'n to "deflect" from the main topic by rope'n in a CLINTON...ahhh...of course the ol' deflect and distract game...hmmmm sounds like a tactic we've heard many times before?

gold leader to red leader...stay on target!

i would rather stick tooth picks under my toe nails than continue waste'n ANYMORE time try'n to justify this persons buffoonery

i will not even bother try'n to decipher what or who he's reffer'n to with said rebuttal...instead of course...like a true virgo that i am...hadda have the last informative word...(well...i do)

unfortunately i fergot to screen shoot my entire response to this obvious antagonizer...cuz i was try'n see how many hook-ups were in need of a fuckable offense instead of have'n to deal with a rebuttal to said "observational" joke post...but basically i ended with "cuz if you know ANYONE mentioned from above and are still try'n to justify A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G our mentally deranged piece of pigshit has done or said to mentioned above...whether you voted for him or not...you are bein' complacent and part of the obvious problem"...well...apparently i struck a nerve... 

oh kittens...someone needs a refresher course in arguably justify'n complacency...to get this WORKED UP over a silly lil FB post...yer bein' a bit...

it's so very...i must say...

BUTT...i digress

by now it was time to finish this completely moronic conversation cuz i knew by my next 6 words(with an emoji on the side) i had weaved a big enough web (since i was draw'n a blank fer this weeks hard hitt'n blogness anyways)...that this gullible bug was gonna breakdown any minute and struggle to break free

and trust me...the struggle was R-E-A-L...

wow!...someone put on their smarty britches and ate a bowl of the BIGLIEST words fer breakfast...

i was lost on the matzo ball/Hitler connection...but hey...that's his analogy...good fer you...did you also know... 

"the sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side?"...of course by now...said responder was all butt hurt...and decided to lick his wounds and carry on about his day...

by throw'n up the white flag with a backhanded compliment...oh well...i did my best to hide his anonymity...but fer the purpose of historical proportions...i DO NOT edit ANYONE's response so i can stay true to the facts as a tough as acrylic nails trust worthy commentator...read around the world...to bring you the stories you deserve (almost every monday) that'll brighten up yer otherwise dismally depress'n day

PICK UP YER COPY TODAY!

so i went on my merry lil way to meet my future offend'n...

perpetrate'n throat plunge'n penetrator

now get off my dress!