SLAMMER GLAMOUR

leave it to 80's bad ass rocker MISS BENATAR to sum it up puuurfuckly

"cold hard labor...it's a labor of love

convicted of crimes...the crimes of passion

caught in a chain gang...the chain of fools

solitary confinement...confined by the rules"

who is one of the many deserved nominees currently in 2nd place fer the rock~n~roll hall of fame so help push her to the #1 spot by cast'n yer ballot here

everyone...well lemme rephrase that...those with a sense of unwaver'n

adventure that desperately wanna spice up their monotonous tic-tac-dull fornicational routine have always had a soft spot fer bad boys behind bars ever since hot to trot #1 bad boy JOHNNY DEPP who broke outta prison via a cute lil jazzy number in the 1990 twisted teen musically romantic comedy "CRYBABY"

bad daddy "Dirty Harry" who portrayed Frank Morris along with 2 of his butt buddies that broke outta the maximum security island in the prison drama "ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ" in 1979

and of course who can ferget throat plunge'n shake n baker CHRIS KELLER on the masturbatory prison fantasy series "OZ" from 1997 to 2003

hollywierd has made a cool mint from glamourize'n hard life behind bars

even some bad girls like the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR who basked in her own bad girl spotlight in the 1985 dramedy "DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN" as SUSAN THOMAS then again in 1987 as NIKKI FINN in the quirky off beat comedy "WHO'S THAT GIRL"

i can even recall way back in 2004 when i found myself as a recipient on the other side of the camera fer my very 1st ever bad boy glamour

 shots session that i take full responsibility for and ps kittens...the only thing hurt durin' this dreadful nite was my dignity and my pocket book...kapeesh! (click here fer all the sordid salacious deets) though i remember how i was absolutely unhappy with the 1st photo and put in a verbal request fer an immediate retake which the guard on duty granted...gave me a count down and to my pleasant surprise gave me that menace'n bad boy image i so desperately wanted to convey and when i uploaded my profile picture on gofuckyerself.com or somethin' like that...i was completely swarmed with requests to fulfill many twisted prison fantasies so of course i milked it fer as long as i could...why not!

i was even bombarded with twisted offers far and wide of putt'n a ring around my rosey and one that would even set me up in the best double wide across the midwest if i'd be their personal inmate date!

with his pierce'n steel blue stare no one milked their mugshot fer millions 

of fans and followers as well and more than former crips gang banger JEREMY MEEKS when he was arrested in a california sting fer bein a felon with a firearm and grand theft durin' the summer of 2014 however it was the authorities who he owes a bit of gratitude to fer turn'n his mugshot into his masterpiece when they subsequently posted it to facebook 

and kick started his career in the fashion and model'n world by 2016...walk'n the runways at NY fashion week in 2017 then again durin' Milan fashion week in 2018 fer Tommy Hilfiger which in turn turned Mr. MEEKS into a clothing line constructed after his bad boy image in 2020 as well as appear'n in numerous fashion mags thru-out his career include'n the boobtube and the big screen

BUTT that's not the end of it

JEREMY ain't the only fit felon on the loose...just a couple weeks ago 

across the pond in merry ol' England…37 year old burglary convict JONATHAN CAHILL from West Yorkshire broke the terms of his bail last september while break'n hearts all over the UK as a wanted fantasy to the rest of the desperate horny toads drive'n along the informational highway drool'n over his come fuck me eyes and sharp trick jaw...it got soo bad after police posted his mug fer help from the public to track him down that they hadda turn off the comment section since most were ready to leave their back door open hope'n fer a midnite break-in and a safe haven fer him to hideout thanx to his criminally good looks...though he was recently apprehended as this story went to post

nonetheless you can bet dollars to donuts it's only a matter of time now before the fashion houses of FORD and VERSACE bail him out...scoop him up and have him shake his money make'n mug fer SPRING fashion week in Milan

hey...it's been like 20 years since i took a trip to visit merry ol' England

i'm beyond the pond over due...however...if i would'a caught him...you can bet i'da kept him...now GET OFF MY DRESS!

DEJA DO!

hey kittens...remember that time when Susan was being seriously stalked

by that bored alabastered housewife from New Jersey...who was married to that suedo sizzle'n anal wart hot tub sales man...desperately search'n fer a breath of refreshed air in her mundane 'burban life (like most usually do) once the aisle they sooo desperately yearned to march down (before they turned into a bingo card carry’n colostomy bag in orthopedics) turns into an aisle full of baby wipes and bunion remover

so there i was one fri morn'n...4:30 in the am hours...listen'n to all these

damn blue birds outside my bedroom window a few years back...after bein rudely awake'n from a dream i so desperately wanted to fall back into (insert yer dirty lil mind here) bitch'n about all the sudden heavy snow flakes blanket'n the spring skies in the Minne-Apple...like everyone else post'n on social media in the surround'n tri-state areas...but like the our very own lil purple paisley man once sang so eloquently many many moons ago "SOMETIMES IT'S SNOWS IN APRIL" (so get the forever fucks over it already...kapeesh!...geesh!)

BUTT...anyways

as i scrolled thru all the typical BS from the weather whine'n posts and

 lame pop quiz tests of people who are absolutely amazed that some totally random "russian" FB troll site say'n that they looked like some famous succulent super model walk'n the runways of Paris 

as all their loser friends leave 'em pissy comments ...cuz all they got was Pauly Shore when they took the same test...so they have'ta call an emergency meet'n with their highly inspirational low self esteem group ASAP!

instead of own'n up to what they really look like...without 100 filters cover'n up their shame and life choices...but i guess if it makes you feel better about yer mundane life...why not!

3 hrs later...still trapped in my comfy bed...all alone...i get a mini chime

that one of my FB "friends" is desperately stranded at the Minne-Apple/St Paulie gurl international airport from the BIG APPLE...via his way to his San Francisco treat...fer the next 6 or so hours...due to the sudden snow storm that had blanketed our fair city...so i clicked on the notification

GRRRRRRRRRAVY on my mashed potatoes!

i planned on turn'n my couch into a palatial movie theater fer the day...

due to the weather...and OD on thee best series to split my plump and supple A double snakes apart since Jerri went back to the 9th grade (and when it wasn't against the #metoo law to actually laugh)

with the cast of SCHITT'S CREEK.

(if you haven't yet...you'd be an absolute A double snake not too...i'm just say'n)

ANYWHO'Z'LL'DING...as i was say'n!

i felt the urgency in his post...and felt it was my civic duty...to feel him up...

i mean feel him out...plus i needed a good reason to lay off the corn nuts and hunt fer some new nuts cuz most people would think i'm nuts to randomly pick up a stranger at an airport...it's the standard plot point in any murder-fer-hire movie on lifetime television

well...one thing you should know about me is...don't ever tell me the odd's

 cuz i'm a "GAMBLER"

after spatula'n my body outta bed...i took a lil birdie bath in my tiny sink

spritz'n myself down generously with some jean nate' after bath body splash and molested the back of  my earlobes with a lil of Debbie Gibson's "ELECTRIC YOUTH" parfume (cuz i can...don't judge!) then whisked myself away to the airport like a bat outta boredom H-E-double hockey stix!

by the time i had arrived...he was wait'n patiently in the doorway as one

should when they're meet'n an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe after all...touch'n me fer the very 1st time...like a pimp at a political convention...it was as if we'd known each other fer years (well in FB years anyways) once he planted his bags in my back seat and planted his seat in my front...we were off to destination numero uno 1

MINNEHAHA FALLS...he was in complete awe...ohhhhh....AWWWWW...and sooo ja'dorable!

after a quick 2 cent tour thru the downtown of Minne-Apple

it was time to show him my big blue cock that was down the street from my shitbox...

at the sculpture gardens then decided to pop his cherry with the Minne-Cherry that blew him away (figuratively of course) and eventually we would pop over to my place cuz his socks "allegedly" were soaked from hopp'n thru the snow like a buffed out bambi

once inside my shitbox...he made himself a lil more c-o-m-f-o-r-t-a-b-l-e

as i put on my fav-o-rit  Burt Bacharach record...he laid back on my hide-a-way bed...which was incredibly open...but i said NO...

NO DAMN BURT...the only thing you outta be play'n right now is with yer

Salvadorian sailor...and SOOOOO...

oops...ever so very sorry...testicle difficulties!

turns out we both were HUNGry...so it was time fer a lil afternoon lunch...

after a lil afternoon delight munch and of course i took him to the staple of uptown cuisine that every outta towner wants me to take 'em to and he was not disappointed!

once i had paid the check...we were back on my broomstick & off to 

the airport and minutes later we pulled into the gate with one minute to spare...feel'n forever fulfilled that i had finally completed my most charitable act of the year...we bid our proverbial adios's and he went on his mary lil way...

so just remember that on the way to yer dreams...sometimes you find 

a new one...which is about as original as a 10 year old boy try'na be "edgy" with eyeliner on his tiktok account fer the 10th time

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

LAID OVER!

hey kittens...remember that time when Susan was being seriously stalked

by that bored alabastered housewife from New Jersey...who was married to that one anal wart of a hot tub sales man...desperately search'n fer a breath of refresh air in her mundane 'burban life...like most usually do...once the aisle they sooo desperately yearned to walk down (before they turned into a bingo card carry’n colostomy bag in orthopedics)...turns into an aisle full of baby wipes and bunion remover

so there i was last fri morn'n...4:30 in the am hours...listen'n to all these

damn blue birds outside my bedroom window...after awake'n from a dream i so desperately wanted to fall back into (insert yer dirty mind here) bitch'n about all the sudden heavy snow flakes blanket'n the spring skies in the Minne-Apple...like everyone else post'n on social media in the surround'n tri-state areas...but like the our very own lil Purple paisley man once sang so eloquently many many moons ago..."SOMETIMES IT'S SNOWS IN APRIL" (so get the forever fucks over it already...kapeesh!...geesh!)

BUTT...anyways

as i scrolled thru all the typical BS from the weather whiner posts and

 lame pop quiz tests of people who are absolutely amazed that some totally random "russian" FB troll site...say'n that they looked like some famous succulent super model walk'n the runways of Paris 

as all their loser friends leave 'em pissy comments ...cuz all they got was Pauly Shore when they took the same text...(so they have'ta call an emergency meet'n with their inspirational low self esteem group)

instead of own'n what they really look like...without 100 filters cover'n up their shame and life choices...but i guess if it makes you feel better about yer mundane life...why not!

3 hrs later...still trapped in my comfy bed...all alone...i get a mini chime

that one of my FB "friends" is desperately stranded at the Minne-Apple/St Paulie gurl international airport from the BIG APPLE...via his way to his San Francisco treat...fer the next 6 or so hours...due to the sudden snow storm that had blanketed our fair city...so i clicked on the notification

GRRRRRRRRRAVY on my mashed potatoes!

i planned on turn'n my couch into a palatial movie theater fer the day...

due to the weather...and OD on thee best series to split my plump and supple A double snakes apart since Jerri went back to the 9th grade (and when it wasn't against the #metoo law to actually laugh)

with the cast of SCHITT'S CREEK....

(if you haven't yet...you'd be an absolute A double snake not too...i'm just say'n)

ANYWHO'Z'LL'DING...as i was say'n!

i felt the urgency in his post...and felt it was my civic duty...to feel him up...

i mean feel him out...plus i needed a good reason to lay off the corn nuts...and hunt fer some new nuts...cuz most people would think i'm nuts to randomly pick up a stranger at an airport...it's the standard plot point in any murder-fer-hire movie on lifetime television...

well...one thing you should know about me is...don't ever tell me the odd's

 cuz i'm a gambler!

after spatula'n my body outta bed...i took a lil birdie bath in my tiny sink

spritz'n myself down generously with some jean nate' after bath body splash...and molested the back of  my earlobes with a lil of Debbie Gibson's "electric youth" parfume (cuz i can...don't judge!) and flew off to the airport like a bat outta boredom H-E-double hockey stix!

by the time i had arrived...he was wait'n patiently in the doorway

as one should when they're meet'n an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...touch'n me fer the very 1st time...it was like we had known each other fer years...(well in FB years anyways)..once he planted his bags in my back seat...and he planted his seat in my front...we were off to destination numero uno 1

MINNEHAHA FALLS...he was in complete awe...ohhhhh....AWWWWW...and sooo ja'dorable!

after a quick 2 cent tour thru the downtown of Minne-Apple

it was time to show him my big blue cock...that's down the street from my shitbox...

at the sculpture gardens...and though i wanted to pop my cherry...simply from his excitement...it was time to pop over to my place...cuz his socks allegedly were soaked from hopp'n thru the snow like a buffed out bambi

once inside my shitbox...he made himself a lil more c-o-m-f-o-r-t-a-b-l-e

as i put on my fav-o-rit  Burt Bacharach record...he laid back on my hide-a-way bed...which was remarkably open...but i said NO...

NO DAMN BURT...the only thing you outta be play'n right now is with yer

Salvadorian sailor...and SOOOOO...

oops...ever so very sorry...testicle difficulties!

turns out we both were HUNGry...so it was time fer a lil afternoon lunch...

after a lil afternoon delight munch...and of course i took him to the staple of uptown cuisine that every outta towner wants me to take 'em to...and he was not disappointed!

once i had paid the check...we were back on my broomstick & off to 

the airport  & minutes later...we pulled into the gate with one minute to spare...feel'n forever fulfilled that i had finally completed my most charitable act of the year...we bid our proverbial adios's and he went on his mary lil way to his

so remember...that on the way to yer dreams...sometimes you find a new one...

until we meet again my fine as wine FB friend....and i know we will

get off my dress!