INFLUENTIAL IDIOCRACY

there are many aspects of our entire existence where we will make highly 

questionable choices before we ultimately kick the can...whether yer just some immature teenrage'n ejaculate'n oscar meyer weiner warrior try'na hide stock piles of crusty mummified tube socks buried in every nook and cranny of yer closet to some postmenopausal nightmare with her knickers in a knot try'n to recapture her dwindled youth by become'n the self appointed neighborhood nazi...

prevent'n someone deliver'n pizza to a customer in their cul-de-sac just cuz they're wear'n a TAYLOR SWIFT tee (oh and their skin color just happens to match the cuntasaurus's shit stained eyes) take'n chances with our own fate in hopes to garner a reputation as some sorta asinine bad-ass to yer plethora of non-existent on-line "friends" and flocks of fuckless fucks is an all too unfortunate socially accepted norm these days

in the late 60's there was the simple amusement of 2 innocent tempered 

glass balls attached to a rope called "CLACKERS" that basically were invented to annoy the fuck outta yer parents durin' their swingers nite with the neighbors until you were told to go outside with that infernal racket and all was fine and dandy until the solid shiny orbs garnered a merried of injuries from blackened eyes...broken noses to near death experiences

by the 70's the backyard became an all out assault with the entire family  

and neighborhood thanks to the colorfully coated missiles of death innocently labeled "LAWN DARTS" that paired you up in teams to launch yer ammo to the other end of the yard...hopefully hitt'n it into the confines of the targeted area placed on the opposite side (though if that one prissy pustule in pig tails was outside of their safe zone from yer school who always tries to make you look like some buffoon in ballet class that you play with only cuz they live on yer block...you made damn sure that they were the actual intended target) which was actually a reproduction stolen from the ancient Romans who 1st invented them called "PLUMBATA" back in 500 bc (and i'm pretty sure they weren't play'n around fer shits and giggles back then) however...eventually they were banned by 1988 due to the fact they caused over 6,000 hospital related injuries and 2 unfortunate deaths 

(this was also the last time i believe that some ballet snob tried to one up any unsuspect'n students in class)

when the 80's rolled around it was all about gett'n wet and wild and totally 

save'n money with the many over priced water parks and long lines out there on all those unbearably hot summer afternoons with yer own personal water slide in yer own backyard known as the "SLIP-N-SLIDE" which was an easy way to cool off on all those blister'n days when it felt like mother nature was have'n another one of her hot flash attacks...unfortunately it also resulted in many back injuries and broken teeth from not realize'n you don't dive into water slides like it’s a pool you fool just cuz there's water involved

if we could only go back to the careless yet sinister triple dog dare days!

(ummm...just an FYI...i had already invented that stunt in the back of my dad's yellow city pick-up truck in the winter of 1976...so there's still some ongoin' litigation over copyright infringements with the director of that flick to this day)

BUTT...here we are

with the rise of reality tv in the past 20 years send'n all of the great song 

write'n theme show composers straight to the unemployment line...

would regrettably bring the rise to the instant oatmeal fame via TIKTOK challenges and YOUTUBE pranksters gett'n as many views as possible along with a paycheck from corporate giants all cuz they can't deal with the value of an honest days pay by sling'n fries and frosty shakes fer cuntasaurus's behind a counter all day (like their predecessors before them had to)

 cuz that'll never get them their personalized Maserati by may they need fer their insta followers to gawk at...with the biggest of these insane challenges i ever heard about bein that of the tide pod challenge which were mostly influence'n kids between the ages of catastrophe to a cuntruffle to play russian roulette with their own life basically!

another one of these asinine challenges that i was completely outta the 

loop with was the idiotically insane fire challenge that consisted of douse'n parts of yer body with a flammable liquid then start'n yerself on fire while film'n it before it goes out...i'm almost positive (don't worry i got my results back last week...i'm still negative just like my outlook on life as a whole) that this one's called the non-cremation challenge but what do i know?

one that shocked the total shit outta me was the Nyquil chicken challenge

which i'm pretty sure was not intended to be associated in any way shape or form with Colonel Sanders secret recipe by any means

or YOUTUBER's try'na bug the complete and utter shit outta as many 

unaware shoppers or sidewalk strollers as possible just fer a knee jerk reaction to get as many "likes" as possible and a payday on their channel which consists of millions of lobotomized brain dead followers (though it's totally childish) be that as it may...back in april of this year one particular piss ant YOUTUBER did his damndest to annoy the fiddler's fuck outta some food service delivery guy who was pick'n up an order fer a customer in a Virginia mall when some 21 year old dipshit with a death wish got in his face over a stupid audio record'n to get this worker's reaction to post on his social media channel...however...

just like in baseball...3 strikes means yer out and that's exactly what happened when food courier Alan Colie gave this jackass jokester with 3 attempts to calmly yet sternly tell him to stop bein' an annoy'n asswipe until he was left with no other option so he pulled out his loaded pocket protector from his dish rag wind breaker and took the wind right outta the pain in the ass prankster with a single shot to the stomach

these pranksters and "influencers" wanna act like they're some sorta 

super power bad ass just cuz they're give'n an astronomical bank account to be as asshole and expect no accountability...the thing is Gen Z'er's...us Gen X'ers survived on a helluva lot less shit and hadda put up with a helluva lot more (without out any video proof to haunt us later on in life)  like try'n not to get 3rd degree burns from endless hours slide'n down lucifer's metal tongue durin' the boil'n hot summers of the 1970's and the 1980's...

include'n cling'n on fer dear life every time we decided to hop aboard the wheel of death in the park...so trust me...a large portion of us Gen X'ers ain't putt'n up with ANY of yer fuckery these days so think twice before come'n up with the latest "must do" influential/stupid bullshit pranks!

here’s a lil advice fer all you wannabe personal fortune 500 machines 

 out there...you outta be heed'n the words of one KATHY BATES as she so calmly put it in "FRIED GREEN TOMATOES" before it’s too late!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

ps...if you wanna try somethin' a lil dare'n and make an actual difference

in yer demeaner...why not vote fer this marvelous matriarch by click'n here

VISIBLY INVISIBLE

with 35 years in the service industry...whether it was on the very front lines

at Hardee's...on the stage of the Jenny Jones show or on my knees in some busted down bronco on a late friday nite...i've always tried to give 110% of my full unsalted attention to the audience that was stand'n before me regardless of their age or their unwarranted "karenomics" or their demand'n demands whether i liked 'em or not...unfortunately those days are long over when i apparently turned into some invisible entity recently to this brain dead barbie doll who i assumed was doin her tinder aerobics swipe'n left and right like a tawdry tazmanian trollup when i popped in at the latest local non hetero water'n hole destined to be a sure fire failure most likely due to my advanced age...

like find'n a needle in a hay stack...

a diamond in the rough...

or gett'n all the correct lotto numbers in the correct order

it's a rarity that you will ever see me blow my top...

well...unless of course he's used proper hygiene first...though this latest incident made me remember the very first time i ever encountered the invisible entity syndrome after i had turned 40

so there i was a while back at my gym try'na squeeze in my routine...

doin my nightly laps in the whirlpool  work-out routine on the locker room benches  work-out floor...doin' my damnedest...rush'n to get in...to get out...and to get off...

to get my car tire fixed at the mechanics

i stuffed all my valuables (that ARE NOT attached to me by way of my inception) into a small hole in the wall locker...and after an exhaust'n 30 minute rushed work-out...i had simply fergotten my locker and combo...

as one does when they got a million things goin on in their head...think'n of head...wait...i'm gett'n A HEAD of myself there

let's just back it up...just a wee bit...there ya go...just like that!

oops...where was i?...ummm...oh yea

(sorry i had a bit of dickslexia happen'n...why not! it's my story)

so anywho's...as i was try'n to say...i was rush'n outta the gym...and couldn't remember my combo...so i asked the counter help fer help...

but they were more interested in find'n some pokemon shit apparently than help'n me so after the raise'n of my evil eyebrow...i gave them the exact details of all of my contents and could they please entertain the thought of bein an actual paid worker fer once and open up the 20 or so lockers with the master key so i can get on with my irritable nite (though i narrowed the area down to about 10 lockers to save them precious time)

well after 15 or so lockers...and no luck gett'n the correct one...he says he can no longer open another locker without a general mangers approval...

HUH?

instead of goin' bat shit on this guy cuz that never solves A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G

(and you A double snake holes know who you are that give customer service kittens no reason to be polite to you at all!)

so anyways he went back to the counter to email the GM who apparently

was MAX HEADROOM as it appeared he was just fumble'n and converse'n with the key board 

tick tock TICK TOCK 1 minute...2 minutes...5 minutes and still NOTHING!

as he kept aimlessly type'n away while check'n in the nightly chorus line of cruisers...my patience was slowly start'n to check out

i could feel my engine spinn'n inside...ready to go all tourettes on his ass...

but i put it in park and simply asked if he would like to be served with some fava beans and a nice ciante i could speak with the M.O.D

i now had 10 minutes to get to the other end of town which was about 15 

 minutes away and without move'n from his front counter he asked some guy...less than 20 feet away...if he could open the lockers and who was this guy you ask? the fuck'n GM/M.O.D

are you kidd'n me?...the fuck'n GM clown was less than 20 feet away...

and you had to email him to get his approval?...i wanted to punch this gen Z fucktwat in the neck!

of course the GM was no better as he says to me with callous cunt face

that they were "super busy all nite give'n out FREE day passes" and that was a direct quote

S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y...ARE YOU FUCK'N KIDD'N ME WITH THIS?

i saw him sit at his desk across from the front counter watch'n...instead of bein' concerned about a current pay'n customer's obvious urgent issue...of course i had no choice but to tame the beast within me so i wouldn't end up bein' fitted fer some straight jacket or shot down with some tranquilizer dart...but i just couldn't let it go that easy...via this blog of course!

long story shortened...i could say perhaps they had issues with me bein'...

 the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am or cuz i was 2 generational letters away from him who's to know...it took the GM less than 10 seconds to open the right door...i got my shit...called the mechanic to wait...who was more than happy to oblige...which in turn...made me not go ape shit on his mechanical ass...in my head or in this blog! and just fer the record...if you want GOOD CAR SERVICE done right and reasonable...go to ANY ma & pop operation (it's worth the headache to do yer research) DO NOT call TIRED PLUS RIPOFF ARTISTS

the same EXACT job just to change a flat tire? 30 buckaroo's...OR...

60 to ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS?

ok so it wasn't EXACTLY 100 million quote i was given (it was more like 60-160 benjamins i was told) however it might as well have been a 100 million dolla quote...either case TIRED PLUS RIP-OFFS will NEVER have to worry about me give'n them a piece of my mind...a piece of my ass or a piece of my very humbled misfortune...PERIOD!

BUTT there's more!

the follow'n day i figer'd it was an experience that i would not have to relive fer a long time...if ever again...so i took my long leisurely sunday drive...

to the BULLSEYE in some unknown burb...aimlessly goin from aisle to aisle...think'n about nutt'n nothin'...comtemplate'n whether or not if  i really needed certain items in my basket...like...

new head clippers

a new pair of dungarees

shower jams and jellies

or perhaps the new black eyeliner...in the newest shade of black fer the season

i opted out of it all...and instead...i just left with some stomach fillers...

ps...i ain't preggers...i had my insides scraped out years ago...they were just items i knew i needed to satisfy my crave'ns

as i made my way to the only open check-out...i needed somethin' else...

the thirst quencher check'n out in front of me though he would be just a pass'n phase fer the next 60 seconds!

as i placed the items on the conveyor belt one by one watch'n 'em make their way past the scanner...i watched the young cashier swipe'n my shit

up 1st was the mustard...

2nd was the chocolate milk...

as my last item came down the conveyor belt...the cashier who was marinate'n in old spiced past it's expiration date cologne says to me...

"sir...can you please scan this item?"

ESQUEEZE ME?

"sir...i cannot scan this item...it is against my religion" (yes he said that!)

i swore i had too much to drink from the nite before...cuz i thought  i was hear'n double

HUH?

"sir...there is pork in this item...it is against my religion to touch it"

"AGAINST YER RELIGION?" i said as i fumbled around in my pockets...

look'n fer the keys to turn off my batshit mental mind at this point

well listen in case you haven't heard you CASPER crusade'n cherry pick'n mother fucker...it's AGAINST my religion to work on sundays...or to do someone else's job that i'm not gett'n paid for...or to give 2 simple shits 

about what voodoo you do on yer own time...i'm fuck'n hungry and in NO MOOD to hear about what yer fairytales say you can and cannot do at yer place of employment! cuz apparently he said that there cuz there was pork product in my pizza he could not touch the item...BUT the questionable pork was not exposed where his fingertips would touch it...IN FACT...i'm almost pretty sure that it was conveniently sealed in some non denominational plastic 

look...i'm ALL fer the United Colors of Benetton workers...i really am...

and have no problems with whatever people choose to do with their OWN life that means nothing to ME...since THEY mean nothing to me after i leave their register (unless of course they plan on bring'n me their "goods" wrapped in plastic) except that when i'm a pay'n customer and yer the paid employee...YOU are gett'n paid to DO YER JOB...FOR ME...PERIOD!

you don't like it?...then work in another area where you are not exposed to yer fairytale filth!...cuz i can bet you...like most religious voodoo'ers...

 they're ALL conveniently fitt'n their "fairytales" laziness...instead of actually THINK'N what they're say'n...before they have to chow down on their own feet!

i scanned the item and BAGGED it myself and i now expect to get paid...

fer my services rendered!

the only good thing that came outta the whole weekend...(besides me)

was winn'n the lotto...well it was only a buck...but still...ya can't win if ya don't play kittens...kapeesh!

i get enough religious puke from the news...the fairytale thumpers on the streets corners by my old job or the CASPER crusaders that lurk all alone try'n to save yet another soul from burn'n in their delusional pits of fire

however...keep yer voodoo stories to yerself...or  you'll be goin' on the wildest ride with my visibly spiked tongue!

in close'n...fer ANY person place or thing they choose to go by these days 

who is completely unaware of who exactly shot J.R....just remember that yer next in line to turn into the inevitable invisible entity...

and receive'n the same bs yer dole'n out today (if yer lucky enough to advance in yer generational letter that is) so learn to fake yer enthusiasm fer us as we have fer all of you and all yer self imposed pronouns

so that's a weekend in the life of an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...it's time fer me to hum 

my him's...so GET OFF MY DRESS!