picture it kittens...it's 1997 and everything just seemed to go from bad to
deteriorate'n disastrously...from the people's princess's fairy tale life gett'n snuffed out in an instant zoom'n away from the paparazzi thru the pont de l'alma tunnel in Paris that she herself had foreshadowed after her divorce
bein unable to escape the gravitational pull of MISS DION's sappy song that just kept hemorrhage'n on and on fer 16 weeks at #1 til i wanted to wrap a glimmery shimmery Harry Winston cinder block around her neck and toss her into the atlantic myself
which was the catalyst to keep a movie about some ill prepared boat afloat at the box office fer 15 weeks and just like the movie my sanity was break'n apart at titanic proportions...click here fer pt. 1
we managed to move past the pettiness of it all until i was invited to his friends party weeks later and was introduced to his X maxi pad which i had zero intentions of stroke'n the fires of contempt again though i got the distinct impression he wanted me in a rematch with her of which i politely declined and left without incident once i realized i had become a bit tuned up and was used as his pawn
the next few months would become increase'nly frustrate'n fer me cuz
my biological clock was tick'n away since we had been sleep'n together on the same futon after i had moved in...he in his crisp bvd's and me in my holly hobby nite gown with the butt cut out...nonetheless we never once did the hokie pokie we just turned ourselves around as we drifted off to snoreville the entire time even though he gave me every indication in my head that that's where it was goin cuz i had told him up front before move'n in that i no longer desired to live with another roommate situation after my past disasters nonetheless with that said it would take rehearse'n the lyrics "you only see what your eyes want to see...how can life be what you want it to be...you're frozen when your hearts not open" to MADONNA's haunt'n hit "FROZEN" that i would perform at some seedy homo nite in the warehouse district to give me the wake-up call i so desperately needed
eventually i would move myself outta his bed into my own posturepedic
and would become some lonely LUKA live'n on his 2nd floor all cuz his friends started give'n him grief about me always answer'n the phone that was next to my side of the futon or have'n me as his plus one when we met up with them and as i very much missed my bi-weekly paychecks...i was no longer fond of live'n with this reclusive bi-lateral space case i had give'n up my independence for and learned to deal with the present sticky situation i put myself into the best way i could fer the time bein' that is until one day i was served with papers by some unfuckable process server
oh H-E-double hockey stix NO!
my once midnite cowboy was now turn'n into some treasonous tacky tick
try'na shake me down fer roughly $1900 which was akin to the 9 months back rent in his eyes even after E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G i had done fer him all cuz apparently i wouldn't bow down to some fairly attractive maxi pad he brought up to introduce to me one nite which completely blind sided me before they would go off with their muskrat love date and eventually we would come to the crossroads with curse words with no one back'n down
and i was more than ready to take a stand on the stand!
BUTT it ain't over...oh no!
i was now without any income completely and had no plans of sell'n off
the little of my possessions i had acquired thru-out my stay and after everything i've gone thru before i've learned how to get myself outta "tricky/sticky" situations to survive so this situation was no different though with inflation on the rise so was i
apparently a public perp walk to the guillotine stalls were no longer legal
durin' this period in time so i decided before the shit would eventually hit the proverbial fan that i would throw my very 1st murder mystery party of which he was not invited to in order to get other more non death penalty options from my invitees
over a lovely bowl of potato soup prepared by my lovely aunt Ellen along with some adult refreshments and other nibbley's
about 2 months later it would be the 1st time we would see each other
again face to face however this time in a court room instead of his bedroom and though i had no high priced Johnny Cochrane to get me off i wasn't about to let him get off with a pay day from my empty pig bank either so after 2 pow wows with a mediator per his request...the mediator of course tell'n me i was gonna loose this case each time if i didn't settle outta court as he would shave a measly $100 off the top each time we gathered to chat in the conference room cuz he said that i was not a battered nor a pregnant women...a minority nor an environmentally delayed adult...HA! lawyers and their hocus pocus dialogue
i basically told this delusional diaphragm that i had absolutely zero
intentions of settle'n outta court and that i would have the last word of which i did after we went before the magistrate...the plaintiff got to speak first and lay out his case that i have to admit seemed quite compell'n if he hadn't left out one very specific detail...then the judge gave me the floor to speak to my defense and i basically said "well here's the thing Judy...may i call you Judy? i'm enjoy'n that doily wrapped around yer tender throat...i'm think'n about bein you fer halloween next year but here's the thing...we met at my place of work...he asked me out then to move in with him a couple months later and we slept in the same bed fer roughly 6 months without doin any matrimonial polka dance so we were pretty much in a common unlawful awful marriage (at the time) and with that i won my case without have'n to give him a damn dime though i was only give'n a week to move from the premises instead of the 2 weeks that i had requested
not a word was spoken as we enter the elevator together and trust me that was the most uncomfortable ride in the history of not ever ride'n him
luckily it would only take me a week to figer out my new live'n situation
thanx a mill times over to my charismatically infectious godmotherly aunt who was my save'n grace that had just purchased a condo in the burbs and offered me free live'n quarters in her biz a few blocks away from my tension trap in exchange fer a few weekends a month of work to cover the kitchen and clean'n duties cuz she was irritated that her other "biz partners" rarely would lend a help'n hand so her and my uncle could get outta dodge of which i was more than happy to oblige and it worked out perfectly til the biz closed it's doors fer good 4 years later
move'n day had arrived and the defendant had already left to work
fer the day so i contacted my brother who helped me move what little i had with me to my new location and once i had completed my usual OCD checklist fer the 100th time...lock'n the front door behind me and place'n the keys in the mail box along with a lil cynical note of encouragement "have a nice life" scratched in pen on a used paper towel i noticed my grama's vintage property that i now owned was no where to be seen in my brother's car
i knew he must've hidden it somewhere in the bowels of his fortress
when i wasn't look'n which was sorta tricky now since i knew his portion of the house was booby trapped with trip alarms but no matter how i'll be damned if he was gonna keep this as his gift without purchase...luckily fer me i had remembered and hoped he hadn't changed the alarm code as time was tick'n out before he would soon be home from his work day
i really didn't need to add a trespass'n charge to any future documentary about this situation cuz it wouldn't make me look so sympathetical but more diabolical
after a frantic sweep thru the entire house i was about to loose my ever
love'n shit that is until i finally found it buried underneath the basement steps behind a bunch of his paint cans which was obviously premeditated on his part so i grabbed the sew'n machine and escaped without any paralyze'n incident
it would be roughly 15 years before i would run into my built bicyclops
again at my new gym and by now his high lights had become low lights much like his personality however his evil grin had still remained as we temporarily crossed eyes as i was doin my cross fit...i had ridden my bitter psyche of all that we once were years ago nonetheless i had no reason to research a friendship ever again and also learned to N-E-V-E-R E-V-E-R get romantically involved in ANY other teeter totter biways along the highways (though that don't mean i haven't tip toed thru their 2 lips fer a lil bit of lactation from time to time)
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
