DALIANCE DILEMAS

picture it kittens...the year was 1996 and hard rock'n alcoholic wives KISS 

had reunited fer the 1st time in their full demonic kabuki war paint want'n to "ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT" by become'n the highest gross'n tour that year 

SALLY FIELD began stalk'n rapey murderer KEIFFER SUTHERLAND 

in the highly intense dark drama "EYE FOR AN EYE"

and CELINE DION's sappy single "IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME" was 

basically KISS's face paint...SALLY and SUTHERLAND's flick and CELINE's song which could best describe just how things went down one hot~n~steamy july nite back then...

BUTT...lemme explain

have you ever had that blissfully embarass'n moment with a hook up that

you'd finally met from the phonelines after a few months of ping pong chitter chatter...where everything seems to be click'n like clock work...as Lil KIM's (feature'n SISCO...why not!) "HOW MANY LICKS" breaks the sound barrier on yer magnavox hi-fi shelf stereo system just as you get to that point of sheer explosive in yer face ecstasy...literally!

where you can feel the bells of Saint Jim Beam...Saint Johnny Walker and Saint Jose Queervo that you made out with earlier in the nite bang'n on yer fuck'n ear drums...

wish'n you'd of worn yer swimm'n goggles to bed only cuz yer "not so gentleman caller" tips his head back at a 45 degree angle popp'n his jaws open like a pez dispenser and lett'n out a boisterous whale like some 6'5 wookie with a throat plunger...

 as he blasts off like skyrockets in flight with buckets full of his afternoon delight (in the middle of the nite) well...suffice it to say...i will dispense with the visuals on yer behalf so my experience doesn't damage yer image of me...however...

let's just say it was like stare'n into a semi straight eye of an enormous sexual backed up Mount Saint Hummer that particular eye-open'n even'n

well..23 years later that story really has absolutely nothing to do with any

of today's off the wall insane asylum babble that i received via text one morn'n recently (i just felt like tip toe'n down memory lane and thought you needed a lil spice in yer life kittens) so any who'z'ill'ding

so there i was last week pull'n the lid off my coffin so i could recharge my 

sanity along with my cell when all of a sudden i received a random unknown text ask'n me "how are you doin?" to which i simply stated "wake'n up...who's this?" that my unknown texter followed up  merely millemoments  later with a "are you horny?" response...

to which i counter his question with a question of my own "AM I HORNY?" hmmm...though i had  hoped my random texter was from irish mchottie COLIN FARRELL and he had F-I-N-A-L-L-Y decided to lift that stupid stalk'n embargo he had put out on me years back when i tried role play'n "PHONE BOOTH" with him...however i had decided after i scraped my supple milky white A double snakes outta bed that this probably indeed wasn't the COLIN i was think'n about after all so i simply replied "not at this very moment mister mystery man though if you bring me an cranberry redbull i'll be ready to do the hokey pokey in a matter of minutes!" 

ps...unless he was some apocalyptic costco banshee who had stock piles in his fall-out shelter...they sadly discontinued my fav-o-rit energy booster in 2020 (which truly saddens me!)

who ever said live'n a life as thee unintentionally internationally unknown 

perform'n illusionist of my own universe was worth the adulation i bet never hadda deal with this bullshit so early in the am hours

as i began to splash on some jean nate' after bath body splash all over my

my supple yet tired milky white flesh just to wake up my tired ass wait'n fer a simple response and literally within a nano second i was hit with a title wave text with no clue who my early morn'n horny toad was so instead of smack'n you with the entire tidal waved text...i figered i'd break it down since you obvious have nothing else to do with yer day but read about about my life:

DAMNNNNNNNN...IT'S NOT COLIN! (i know this cuz bein irish and all he would never spell SHIT...it would be spelt SHITE!)

so the next clue was brutal...which of course made me immediately think of POPEYE's nemesis BLUTO or BRUTUS (depend'n on the year you watched him)

well...well...well...at this point it was gett'n all a lil "MURDER SHE WROTE" bullshit...cuz i still had no clue what shits he had of mine (i've been potty trained since i was roughly 3 after all) and i don't have a storage locker saved up anywhere that i knew of

then i thought why would they say don't call the FBI or the boys in blue...wai'da'minute...i bet this is just Marcella gett'n back at me all cuz i had poly gripped all her panty hose together into a parasol

kitten...PUHLEEZ...if MADONNA had taught me anything...it's that you N-E-V-E-R regret a thing and if you have it...ummm just FLAUNT IT!

oh OK LEX LUTHER...

you got me!

needless to say i had no stamps to comply to his ridickulous request

so GET OFF MY DRESS!

THE GREAT PIPE HYPE pt 2

hey kittens...have you ever gotten that not so fresh feel'n...like you were

bein' WATCHED? well get a ticket to the catch-up train by click'n here fer THE GREAT PIPE HYPE pt 1 (cuz i ain't relive'n it all over again just fer you) before we leave the station to yer next destination...and now the excruciate'n conclusion to THE GREAT PIPE HYPE pt. 2

i rummaged feverishly thru the tan Hermes briefcase look'n fer a contact

number to contact the hopeful owner of said bag with my one hand...while i waited fer the paint to dry on the other...HOWEVER...all i could find was the name "LARRY" printed in bold helvetica font on a blank antique egg shell colored business card along with a phone number

so i immediately contacted Beatrice down at the local phone company 

and had her patch me thru to this "LARRY" fella though first off of course all she wanted to go on to me about was her infected toilet parts before segway'n into how she felted cheated by the 3 bean salad at last sundays church social that her dear friend Marcella brought cuz all she could honestly taste were 2 distinct flavored beans apparently...nonetheless...after several more minutes dicuss'n the mass differences between her rheumatitis and my patience...she patched me thru...

unfortunately all i got was his voice mail so i left him a simple yet effective message with my number...along with my inseam size and coordinates to my multiple personalities and to call me back at his earliest convenience (as long as i'm not bein inconvenienced)

curiosity was sett'n in as i was sett'n my hair...who could this LARRY be?

would this be someone like 60's sex symbol major Nelson Riley from "I DREAM OF JEANIE" played by veteran character actor Larry Hagman? (who gave me major wood in reruns back in the 80's)

or could it be 1/3 of the comedic trio involve'n those bumblin' brothers from "THE THREE STOOGES" Larry Fine? (then i realized he died 20 years earlier after a quik google search)

i didn't really care to be honest...as long as it wasn't...

some colostomitic call-in host that resembled that bag of bones bein held together by his suspenders  and Ron Popeil spray paint fer the follically challenged...Larry King

BUTT anyways...

2 hours later as i was flipp'n thru my latest issue of INCHES magazine...

there would be a mysterious knock at my front door so i jumped gingerly off my crushed green velvet couch and opened the door to see who it was...and trust me when i say i was absolutely blown away...cuz the gentleman caller looked just like the spitt'n image stunt double to Mel Gibson...straight off the set of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

well...i don't have to tell you...i was a smitten kitten!

well...i immediately invited him inside from the rain fer a nite cap without 

realize'n it was only 2 in the afternoon...so of  course i was ready fer some delightful "conversation" cuz my sky rocket was already in flight...thankfully i managed to compose myself and asked him if he was here fer the briefcase

shake'n his head...in his loosely fit beige slacks...he threw me a devilish 

lil grin and with the raise of his sweaty left brow...i knew right away this was not gonna end in a simple handshake (nor did i want it to)

he had a bit of an agenda of his own that i would soon come to find out

he told me that he enjoyed watch'n me perform on stage fer the past month at the Gay 90's and then he would proceed to follow me a few times a nite as i waited patiently fer the metro transit #4 to take me home until i was dropped off 2 blocks from my shithole before he would devise his deviously devilish plan to get my attention...though i should'a been shocked as shit he told me all this...i have to admit...i was a bit turned on by my middle of the nite stalker

as he drew himself closer and closer into my own personal bubble...i felt

the restless natives down below dance'n in my danger zone...as his chest burst free from his blazer...i could smell the intoxicate'n blend of irish spring body soap and just a simple spicy spritz of Drakkar Noir putt'n me under his spell

i felt like a sacrificial kitten in my lamb skinned nighty (that was remarkably open) absolutely helpless to resist and really...why the fuck would i?

the dam was ready to burst on his britches as my newly acquired stalker

 was ready to deflower me so he asked me if i had ever had "daddy dick" as he slowly unzipped (he was old enough to be my parental guardian since i was 25 after all) his mammoth mouth water'n manwich flopped out (the first encounter i ever had with a legendary "throat plunger")

 i swear this king kong cock had it's own area code and landing strip...if he

had a twin brother i totally could'a learned how to do the double dutch finally...unfortunately i had awkwardly explained to him...

that my dad had passed away from leukemia when i was 9 and pedophelia wasn't really his thing (ps...total boner killer if you start talk'n about yer dead dad when there's a throbb'n prick present)

so he hadda quickly explain in his best deep throated JEFF STRYKER porn voice to me that he was only talk'n specifically about role play'n banter to which i had never been privy to yet in my litany of liaisons at the time (which were few and far between the sheets) so the next thing i knew...

sorry kittens...this is where yer unsalted altered unilateral imagination will be kick'n in 

(so cum to yer own dirty lil cockclusions)

in the end it turns out that the great pipe hype was just my type...and even 

though my dangerous liaison wasn't THAT dangerous after all (just a lil eepy cree) i met him 3 more times...in 3 more ways...albeit never in a 3way...should i have? well that's all u need to know i guess...

now GET OFF MY DRESS!