BATTERED UP!

it's been roughly 4 months since the US capital was viciously attacked by

all those wannabe orc'n lobotomized crispy creamed conspiracy crazed and calloused STD's along with their vaginally warted Walmart beauty scabs marinate'n in jean nate' after bath body splash so of course ANY sane person (let alone politician) would think that they'd want to get to the bottom of the orange biscuit eat'n IMPEACHED TWICE FER LIFE boil on the butt of humanity who started the whole damn insurrection to begin with and launch a special council immediately!

i mean the rectally reprehensible repuglicunts spent in excess of $7 million

33 hear'ns total with 3 of them bein' aired live to the public just to try and humiliate HILLARY CLINTON only to get a meme of HILLARY look'n constipated from consume'n too much gouda on her caesar salad at lunch...nonetheless...it should be of no surprise that a majority of the crotchety cantankerous right still has their slither’n tongues rammed so far up that sack of regurgitated excrement and voted against ANY sort of investigation!

BUTT anyways...

as sad as it is how all these scenarios unfortunately happen "randomly"

and very senselessly unpatriotic...could someone please contact CTU pronto...ask fer Bauer...he'll know what to do within 24 hrs or his name ain't Jack

the week had just barely begun fer me...however...unfortunately...

a while back when i was too weak fer it to begin in the 1st place due to my sunday funday spill'n into just another manic monday...so after a very taxi'n day and calgon clearly was no where near to take me awaaay...i received a desperate phone call late one even'n from my very inebriated friend of my defunked fan club ask'n me fer a colostomy bag or a quarter...i couldn't quite understand what the hell she was say'n...

as her unequilibrium finally started to make sense...she had summoned me to help her out in the "beat my liver to a bloody pulp" game one more time sorta like a twisted episode with that ever intoxicatingly and breath takingly beautiful assistant of tv's "BEAT THE CLOCK fame starr'n ROXANNE who i had the pleasure of meet'n one christmas who completely turned my world upside with her stories from the yester years of hollyweird...however entertain'n as it sounded at the moment..

there was only 1 position on my mind that even'n (and NO it DID NOT include bein' on all 4's...well not by me anyways) and that was me in a missionary position with cool cucumber slices blanket'n my eyes and marinate'n my mug in dijon dressing...my weekly beauty regiment and dinner salad all rolled into one

he then had given me the option behind door number 2...

which i was hope'n was a brand new Amana radar range with beautiful bamboo stools...a kitchen counter top table made of brushed imitation formica and a full set of gourmet cookware from the makers of Cuisinart...thoguh i would have no such luck...it was just lame seats to...

the unfulfilled fantasy Hot Duo's and the Half Breeds

(fer those unable to purchase a ticket to the catch up train...i'm talk'n about those MN Twins and the Cleveland Indians...but this is my story...so deal with my interpretation...now sit down and shut up)

now where was i?...oh yea...thing is though kittens...

this was virgin territory fer me...i am not used to watch'n a bunch of guys in tights...swing'n their bats at each others faces with balls fly'n all over the place (ummm...quit roll'n yer eyes) well...not unless it involves an assortment of lubricational jams and jellies of course

though i had apparently met the very lickable likeable Joe Mauer years earlier at a drink'n establishment in the uptown area who had purchased me and my unfuckable friend a beer (hey i had already met my required charitable contributions fer the year at that point)...i was gonna need a lil more convince'n reason to waste 3 hrs of my life...

which said unfuckable friend assured me that CHER would be perform'n at the halftime show so i figered i might as well open my mind like a love starved lotus flower and pollinate my memory banks to new experiences

i was lost...what does one wear to a barbaric sport'n event like this?

the latest runway look by Jean Paul Gaultier?

or a more colorfully yet casual and completely comfy muumuu from the Mrs. roper collection?

of course said unfuckable friend had chosen a much more suitable look since he was devirginize'n me on his dime after all 

we popped into the local non heterosexual water'n hole...

fer a  gynecological exam in the restroom pre-game non nonalcoholic refreshments and then it was off to the game

though the baseball stadium was only a mere 2 blocks away...

we were waaaay too tired to be bothered to walk it so we summoned a local street cabbie to take us to our desired destination...but the damn ass might as well have been doin' the sugar shuffle at the rate we were move'n...we should'a just gotten out and walked it but then we remembered we'd look alot more important to the pheasants if we are bein' waited on

well...what seemed like an eternity to reach the stadium...we both realized how absolutely parched we'd become...i mean...it had been approximately a whole 2 1/2 minutes since our last glass of refreshments...so we threw some benjamins and a breath mint to the pheasant cabbie and we were on our way to see CHER at the halftime show

once we reached the gate...much to our surprise...a friend had take'n our box seats inside with him instead of leave'n them at the gate...so we hissed and stomped of course i hadda pull out the really big guns and let her know that i was indeed the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe to get any sorta service...

she looked at me with her beady lil eyes and was like "listen...i don't know who you are...or where you came from...but you most certainly don't fit in this arena...why...yer not even properly dressed"

i was like..."listen sister...if i wanted yer opinion...i'll beat it outta ya!" 

(now where have i heard that before?)

after security gave us our complimentary pat down...we hunted fer our seat'n location and then frantically searched fer our kick ass seats in the nose bleed section the closest water'n hole cuz we were goin thru thee most

 dramatic withdraw symptoms and from what i was to understand...it was the bottom of the 2nd in'n though i could see no one worthy enough in sight fer me to fulfill that position so luckily we found the the closest bar and sitt'n next to us was this dad and son duo that looked more like a phone call away from "the Courtship of Eddie's Father" on the spice channel

once we found our actual kick ass seats on the front line...we realized one thing...that there was a bar stool that must be freeze'n to death right about now somewhere...and our chilled hearts were about to go into cardiac arrest...so after the most gruel'n 60 seconds of our entire existence were wasted...sitt'n in places where we knew we absolutely did not belong...

we downloaded the latest non nonalcoholic's divine'n rod app and set our GPS to stun anyone that got in our way and by the time we had located our desired destination...the ass holders had welcomed us with open arms as the bartender lined up the medication fer our consumption and despite it bein' attached to some barbaric sport'n event...i was comforted in the fact that CHER would soon be perform'n once they reached the half point in the game

i couldn't help but notice though that our bartender couldn't help but notice

that i was thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe my glass was empty so he filled it back to the brim (though i was ready to fill mine with him)

i asked him politely intoxicated when was CHER's halftime performance goin to begin and don't you hate when this happens to MEEE? he looked at me like i was the crazy one...then he tells me that she was here last nite...FUUUUCK! why does this always happen to me?

 

absolutely intoxicatingly inconsolable...we packed our regret at the bottom of the 8th...or 9th...seriously though...who really cares at this point since we were now at the bottom of our barrel and headed over fer a nite of classically trained chalk board scratch'n singers ruin'n all the top 40 hits you can think of commonly known as crapaoke

though we never got to see Miss Sarkisian turn back time...

we tore it up...and i mean that litterally...we hacked into "just like jesse james" like Lizzy Borden at a birthday party...luckily this momentous moment will NOT be televised anytime soon and though we never did find out how many touch-downs...baskets...goals or whatever the Twins needed to beat the Indians to a bloody pulp in the 4th round...it was an experience id' rather not experience again without bein' properly informed of the halftime show entertainment

though i should thank my stalkers fer finally popp'n my baseball cherry...

i unconsciously cannot since i was force'd to participated in that damn selfie ritual of look'n like some hostage held at gun point bein' forced to fake a smile to assure my loved ones i'm bein' treated fairly...i wish i could'a gave 'em more in return...

though i think a jug of everyone's fav-o-rit window cleaner will suffice!

thanx fer join'n in on my little adventure from my past...but i must bid ado

cuz it's time fer me to pay it forward...and pop someone else's cherry...so i gotta make a quick run fer supplies

so kindly GET OFF MY DRESS!

Greene with Enema

kittens...ever have one of those morn'ns when yer out all nite with yer one

closest crime-fight’n cocktailer...throw'n back remy maritin's like they’re some sorta oxygen tank and tripp'n the lights fantastic til yer so outta it yer into it...only to wake up in a pile of yer own regret utterly green with envy cuz you can't even connect all the dots by morn'n about how great the nite was all together?

so apparently just when we thought we had rid this country and quite

frankly the universe from it's beyond vomitous and highly exhaust'n regurgitated IMPEACHED FOR LIFE TWICE mentally deranged 4 year hangover...a pathetic Ann Coulter Kame-apart crotch cricket knock-off has been plucked outta obscurity from the the peach state to the center stage

the new nauseate'n nancy known as the rebranded cuntinuation

of the reTRUMPlicunt party and beyond far right Qanon quack vomit bag from the 14th district in Georgia (that just barely celebrated it's 10th bday recently i might add) known as Marjorie Taylor Greene

who believes 9/11 was a fairytale...Guam is a foreign  country and that jews started the wild fires out west from their space station a million miles up with their jewishy laser beams...is try'n to play political hot potato with logicality

so lets delve into a few facts about this flaxen haired fuckery shall we? 

unfortunately the folks of Milledgeville had to deal with her grow'n up in their town where she "allegedly" said lemonade stands were fronted by the kiddie cartel...went to college in Athens and ended up buy'n a construction company in Alpharetta...though none of these cities are even closely related to the district that she ran in and won

this tin foiled cap wear'n vaginal scab only started in politicks last year

after that stint of runn'n Taylor Commercial Inc. into the ground...that i might add...she inherited from her dear ol' daddy...just like her idol (oh what's his name again?) oh yea...the mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE TWICE sociopathetik orange dusted sack of vomitous shit

BUTT...enough of that

now instead of runn'n in the 6th district that was as blue as the ocean

and where she was actually live'n at the time...probably cuz she knew she had ZERO chance in H-E-double hockey stix of winn'n against the current incumbent...this fallopian tubed twat sore moved a few districts over to the poorest district run by some repuglicant that had decided he'd milked all he could outta his constituents and just wanted to sip sangrias by the sea and chose not to run fer another term

and just like any other greedy tiresome toad...Greene ran on the platform 

that socialism is a bad thing and infused her campaign full of prejudice and paranoia...the same exact shit she'd already been spread'n all over social media and easily won since most of the welfare cases in her district were pasty white CASPER crusade'n pariahs 

who believed in her utterly insane HILLARY pedophile and human sacrificial rings and that President OBAMA partied it up with MS-13 to murder a 27 year old employee at the DNC in 2016...

harassed teen survivors say'n the shootin's were obviously faked and that non white people outta worship confederate sculptures of a tortured past among a plethora of many other bat shit cray cray stories...OH YEAH...

and her BFF's are those sperm whales in crisp clean 100 count linen from the 70% off end cap at TJ Maxx...the absolute insane part of it all is that most of her voters knew all of this anyways though and still said she was the right person fer the job...which is a purdy good indication of who exactly the majority in Marjorie's district really are

well...unless she like liquidated a child or somethin' of that nature then they might consider another candidate apparently

now even though it's a well documented fact that she has had numerous 

extra curricular affairs while runn'n on some religious platform whilst bein attached only fer the sake of hold'n onto her upstand'n CASPER crusade'n image...she outta still be able to serve all her constituents also while service'n the the repair man...can't she?

well peaches...there is still a way to remove this insane satanic stain from

the clutches of yer great state before it's too late and that is by article 1 section 5 clause 2 of the constitution (thank you ever so google) as long as 2/3rds of congress finds her indefensibly psychotic of course...and seriously...WHY WOULDN'T THEY?

some unhinged anti-masker with a gash between their legs should not be

on the education board P-E-R-I-O-D with ALL this evidence against her...however...if you wanna completely ignore ALL that and put it to the side fer now...FINE...then what about the simple fact that she has balls to the walls blurted out fer the execution of certain elected officials?

if anyone came into yer place of biz and threatened to pew pew pew you

to smithereens...ummm shouldn't they pretty much BE FIRED or somethin...like pronto Tonto?

we got enough to contend with as it is than have'n to put up with her shit

on the daily...she's so full of it that if you smacked her up side that vacuous bucket attached to her shoulders...she'd fuck'n splatter...cuz you know when TWITTER bans yer dilapidated A double snakes...yer full of all kinds of bat shit crazy! 

now we need congress to do their job and expel that cankersaurus cunt 

and GET OFF MY DRESS!

sisters are doin' it for themselves

let's go back in time when those double A energized batteries of 1985 

were take'n over the world...and i ain't talk'n about that junkie pink bunny bang'n on his fuck'n drum while hopped up on battery acid since 1973...NO! of course i'm speak'n of that gender bend'n british songbird ANNIE LENNOX & the queen of soul ARETHA FRANKLIN and their defiant duet that proved they weren't lett'n any penis push em around with

"SISTERS ARE DOIN IT FOR THEMSELVES"

35 years later and that lil powerful anthem of sisterhood could not be

more relevent thanx in part to the 127 women that either held onto their seat or won a seat in the house of representatives this year...include'n MN very own (that i...thee ununtentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe personally cast my vote for) ILHAN OMAR who is the 1st somalian-american woman to hold a congressional seat

though more importantly with the recent annoucement of this year's VP

nomination of the no holds barred brilliance of US senator KAMALA HARRIS in this years rat race by former OBAMA VP and current u-haul driver fer that mentally deranged IMPEACHED FOR LIFE sociopathetik corrupt bloated orange anal wart this nov 3rd...JOE BIDEN...and i fer one (include'n the gazillions of those live'n in the unlobotomized planet) could not be happier

granted...at 1st i was not personally pleased old JOE became the front 

runner if you want me to be completely honest kittens...oh it's not cuz he was OBAMA's VP...i thought he served his purpose fine fer those 8 wonderfully unsalted years when the only scandal we hadda worry about was the prez show'n up at a press conference...IN A FUCK'N TAN SUIT!

OH LAWDY...puhleez say it ain't so...NOOO!

i'm just simply over this country bein' run by OLD white men P-E-R-I-O-D!

i was hope'n fer true sisterhood in the WH this fall with a WARREN/HARRIS ticket...just fer the sheer purpose that LIZ as ANNIE and KAMALA as ARETHA lyp-sync'n fer their life at the 1st annual televised WH hweenie ball would put any Rutarded queen team to absolute utter shame...so i'm gonna blame the fucktards out there that fuck'd up my political fantasy and you know exactly who you are

ps...i ain't talk'n a bout that OTHER political fantasy...cuz if i had a delorean readily available (insert evil grin here)

hey...why should Marilyn and Monica get to fulfill their political prowness and not me?

though i'm eteranlly grateful that old JOE picked KAMALA in any case

cuz as i see it...he's live'n on borrowed time as it is (let's be real here) so you heard it here first...i say within the 1st 4 years KAMALA will...by simple default and design...become the 1st african-asain-hot-to-trot american to hold the hightest orafice in the land

BUTT...this ain't the 1st time of course

we all know by know that if those Bernie fucktards wouldn't have fuck it

all up 4 years ago...we wouldn't be pretend'n to pay doctor everytime we hadda go to the damn piggly wiggly fer groceries or that uncomfortable walk of shame under the milky way at 3 am...or have'n millions thrown onto unemployment or 165,000+ and count'n kick'n up daises...so y'all can give yerself a big ol' fat fuck'n pat on the back fer that one!

though did you know that HILLARY wasn't the 1st woman to make a run

fer the WH? fer all you brain dead tik tok'ers and snapchatters out there unaware of the history of feminine hygiene products that almost filled the lavoratory shelves in the oval office...here's a lil herstory...SHIRLEY CHISHOLM became the very 1st african american woman to run on the democratic ticket fer prez of the US in 1972

while GERALDINE FERRARO became the very 1st woman to be added as the VP nomination to a magor democratic party in 1984

incidentally...this was also the same year that the queen of the dance floor became the 1st woman to cause a scandal on the 1st ever Mtv awards by loose'n her heel walk'n down a tyrannasaurus wedd'n cake and instantaneously mopped up the floor with her derrierre...the charts and millions of wannabees ever since

of course leave it up to that mentally deranged...sociopathetik...lie'n

corrupt...IMPEACHED FOR LIFE...bloated narcissistik sack of orange anal warts and his STD cheerleaders to begin with a plethora of personal attacks on KAMALA's appearance and ethnic background just fer starters that will most likely continue up until election nite...

though KAMALA has already proved she's teflon tough durin' the whimper'n testicular removal at the Kavanaugh hear'n with her blister'n laser beam prosecutorial skills

do i think EVERYTHING that KAMALA has done ever since her time in

the political arena been has entirely exemplary? NO...but what political figure has i ask you? do i think she is the best canidate to fill the position? FUCK to the YES! we have NO TIME to split hairs here kittens....

we simply CANNOT survive another 4 more years of the current bullsit we're currently marinate'n in...so pull up yer culottes...put aside yer political differences (BERNIE IS OVER AND OUT) and pray this nightmare ends this fall...so make yer voice and yer vote victorious and remove those suborn stains this nov 3rd...oh yea and one more thing...

GET OFF MY DRESS!