STOP IT...DROP IT...CROP IT OUT

picture it kittens...it's 2019 and the much anticipated follow-up to the very

psychologically disturb'n 1980's flick "THE SHINING" titled "DOCTOR SLEEP" was released and i personally was equally (if not more) psychologically exhausted by it

my life at that moment felt like i was starr'n in my very own psychologically 

fucked episode of SCHITT'S CREEK without a paddle to direct me to a way out from the disgruntled pelican's i was work'n with at the time

and indie folk singer/song writer and hotter than the flicker'n flames of  

H-E-double hockey stix JAY BRANNAN was play'n in heavy rotation on my spotify mix (wish'n i was heavily play'n with his) when i received a text from an unknown number late one nite as i was gett'n ready to wind down ask'n if he could come over since he had gotten off his shift (most likely look'n fer my shaft) at the pizza parlor down the street from me 

BUTT...

i wasn't really THAT tired that nite...so i texted back ask'n how he'd gotten 

my digits to which he roughly said from chatt'n on-line some time ago so of course curiosity had gotten the better of me though i made it quite clear it was ONLY to meet fer a bit...deactivate'n any thoughts of fornicational titillations that may have been circle'n thru his riddled mind...however when he showed up reek'n of pizza sauce and look'n like JAY BRANNAN's twin i was ready to eat him...nonetheless...i sustained and we just chitter chatted til the wee hours of the morn'n when he confessed that we had chatted roughly a year prior...

oh really now? i guess after a quick google search of him (that he told me to do most likely to save time from explain'n it fer the umpteenth time) he was incarcerated from some narcotic shenanigans shortly after our initial chatter fer a year or so and since i've unfortunately always had a thing fer "bad boys" (well…need i say more?)

listen...i was already in my fabu-less than fortunate late 40's and had ended 

up feel'n like a giddy goldicocks after fall'n fer my now 3rd chemically dependent dandy lion (hey...i'm no judgemental judy...we've ALL made mistakes in life...i just say learn from em and move on!) the 1st was too manipulative and cold...the 2nd was too hot and needy...yet...this last one literally seemed just right and i knew i didn't want him fer just "right now" fer some reason...

plus...i was evolve'n into a smitten infatuated zombie kitten...kittens...gett'n way too emotionally invested by date #2 like i hadn't been fer almost 20 years!

he had me doin things that my ghostly white flesh most certainly would'a 

disregarded if ANYONE else had requested it...from walk'n around the lakes under the blister'n hot sun (parasol free i might add) to toss'n a frisbee in a tee in the park to hold'n hands with no worries in the dark

he had begged me not to leave town to Orprahville 2 months in...but as 

adorable as he was want'n me to stay...i explained that i had already booked my mini vaca 2 months prior before we had ever met...plus i was only goin there to try and win free tix to the QUEEN's latest show MADAME X mini wheat tour though he had the option to call or text anytime he felt inclined to...i even offered him to come with me...

but apparently his parole board wouldn't let him leave the state fer 5 years...it was actually nice to feel someone need'n me that much to be honest that i almost was gonna cancel my trip once i made my way thru the complimentary security pat down...i mean gates...ALMOST!

2 days later i would return home after have'n an annoy'n time and with no

 winn'n M tix in my claws which didn't really matter to me cuz i was beyond ecstatic to see him again...however...suddenly i felt the winds of change in the air between us...though i decided to throw caution to the non communicative wind and played the proverbial game of "WTF?" fer a few more weeks until i needed the unanswered...finally answered

so after play'n text tag back and forth we decided to take what i knew was

 the gonna be the final degradational walk around the lake after he told me to meet him there...though he reluctantly decided to pick me up after much of my persistent persuasion

after the painful walk around the lake talk'n about nothing relevant at all

i was gifted with the tired worn out "we'll still do stuff together" passage from the book of "how to feel guilt free and still full of shit fer dummies" cuz i've listened to that worn out dance tune played before...apparently this was just one of those 12 bitter steps in recovery he hadda say fer himself...how to be an asshole without even try'n and to his credit perhaps it was fer his own recovery (i'll never know the truth cuz they're ALL good at lie'n) trust me...i get it! no one EVER wants to be THE ONE to say it (well accept me...i won't pull on loose strings assume'n the other will figer it out on their own) nevertheless...seriously at a certain age...just grow some damn cahoonah's!

after replay'n where it all went wrong in my head fer roughly far too long

than i ever had with anyone in the past...i arose from my coffin after a rough week and had to see if it was worth pursue'n any further so i decided to contact a real professional fer some real cosmic advice

know'n that open'n this pathetic pandora box was gonna be an emotional disaster fer me...EH!...that's what they say about carbs...but we still buy the bread!

after hunt'n down a pinch of bat wing...some spicy hamburger helper and 

a remnant of somethin' that belonged to him personally (luckily i still had that underwear i had ripped off him a month earlier...umm FYI...don't ask!) the spell was cast and i was given specific instructions to say a few poetic phrases out loud to myself in private and light a candle then proceed to watch as it flickered and flailed until it burnt out completely on it's very own

any reputable psychologist or 3rd grader fer that matter...would'a thought

that i had gone completely batshit insane...try'n to cast a spell on some long lost short lived dead affair (an emotionally self inflicted coup d'état one might say) NONETHELESS...there i was plastered on my couch... 

like an overindulgent display of some haplessness slug monster with the tv on mute literally watch'n the flames of my sanity flicker back and forth...dread'n to leave the live'n room in fear that i might miss the flame go out so no matter where i went in my quaint little shitbox...

even when mother nature came a call'n...that damn candle would be right by my side...

until it finally bid me adieu 36 hours later (and yes there is no over nite under eye cream that was gonna rid me of those emotional shopp'n bags that i would unfortunately acquire due to the lack of sleep so of course i would hibernate fer another day) 

oddly enough...i would receive a text from him on the follow'n day...so i 

guess said spell had indeed done it's intended purpose...though really...was it all worth it in the end? it wasn't as if it was some sorta affirmation of affection fer me...just a simple non sentimental handout that somehow still had me think'n there was some sorta hope fer even a simple meaningless friendship like he said though as time marched on and COVID had shut the planet down...i had banned any and all astrological signs and online daily affirmations from my psyche cuz i realized i was worth a helluva lot more than putt'n myself thru yet another candle in the wind...cuz really...in the end...hadn't i been burnt enough i thought to myself

to sum it up...this would not be turn'n into the DAVID/PATRICK conclusion

 that i recently rewatched...however...after many a season changes since...i had exercised my demons and moved beyond him even as a pass'n thought (well except fer my cell remind'n me of his bday in july which i finally deleted & a lil holiday meme) then outta the blue the other nite he showed up in a dream surrounded by kids on a beach and ask'n me if i missed him? 

HA...if i missed him? (no decipher'n needed)

ummm i've only had dreams of certain people that have been very close 

to me that are no longer able to borrow me a cup of sugar!

alas...thanx to JAY BRANNAN...i had found our song that sums it all up...PLUS...

i've always believed in karmic chameleon retribution...

and i remember that one bit of sound advice from that repuglicunt pipe cleaner said back in the 80's...

i do not wish him ANY sorta harm nor do i wish him ANY sorta penance

i have flushed his feelin's along with any memories of us down the proverbial drain much like he did mine many moons ago and moved on from consider'n him anything more than just a mere moment in time fer this weeks blog...now GET OFF MY DRESS!

gimme the Mill...or gimme death!

how most non homosexual cookie cutter nutters from the suburbs ...

revere the olive garden as their "holy grail of culinary cuisine"

me and my equally fabooshka cuz Carey have turned "the mill" in uptown...as we so affectionately refer to it these days...as our all time fav spot to hold our weekly sunday funday AA meet'ns therapy sessions fer the past 5 years or so...we kick back...grab a simply scrumptious slice of the day and try to decipher the mean'n of our so called life over a few bloodies (extra olives w/no extra accoutrements needed fer me) & a brewskie...or perhaps more...fer my cuz...to wash all our temporary troubles away

though it may be a chain...it is most definitely not part of the chain gang...the staff at this particular location have always gone way above and beyond what i would ever expect from any eat'n establishment...by expect'n us every sunday around the noonish hour...fer a few hours and already has our first cocktail pretty much patiently wait'n fer us to appear...we're sorta the Cliff and Norm of the of the abnormals that shutter in and outta the place on any given sunday...minus the dudeness factor

though there are those rare occasional weekends when we're both tied up...sometimes in someone else's bed...and all of a sudden all hell breaks loose cuz we didn't show up at our usual time so they go even further beyond expectations by send'n out an amber alert...it really makes an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe like myself...feel a lil bit more superior than most of the pond scum patrons...which is nice to know they really do care

i...in turn...like to help acclimate any new staff members into our lil VIP section...by ask'n the proverbial question in a very stone like facial expression to see if they are actually pay'n attention..."excuse me but do you have security here?" to which they reply with a very lost and confused look on their face...much like a french kisser would...runn'n a kiss'n booth at a halitosis convention "umm i'm sorry we don't...what can i do to help?"...to which i reply "cuz you brought me a full glass but i think someone has stolen it...can you please bring me another and keep an eye open this time"

from time to time we've even invited others to join in our lil celebratory sunday club...but in time they would all eventually turn into liquor snobs...like they were the Coco Chanel connoisseur of cocktails or somethin'...who were more interested in places that they could be "bein' seen" in fer seconds of lame fame on any social media outlet...that neither of us have time for or quite frankly could give 2 shits about who was around us or what others thought

well it just so happened a couple weeks back that neither of us would be able to make our usual sunday pilgrimage to "the mill"...but i made sure to call ahead to alert the staff...i swear i could hear a few tear drops fall on the other end of the phone as i told them the news...so to help soften the blow...i would fed ex the staff a can of complimentary xanax...they decided to lite a fluster of candles and close fer the day in honor of their most prized and patriotic red-eyed soldiers

from what i can recall...it all started with me bein' ditched fer some bitch by some so called friend after i had already gotten them tickets on my dime to see the amaze'n JAY BRANNAN @ the Triple Rock bar...that they wanted to go to...but instead of call'n the suicide hotline...well...cuz i was gonna kill myself after i killed him fer cancel'n on me...but i calmed myself down and realized...i just can't pull off an orange jumper to save my life...

so instead i licked my irritable wounds and decided to take myself out fer a basket of friendly fuck you fries and a bloody at some shit hole before the show...and trust me...the friendly fuck you fries tasted like a million bucks compared to the shitty bloody clot swill with a sad crippled pickle and 2 down syndromed olives drown'n in their tomato piss...but whatever...i wasn't gonna let it bring me down...that was Jay's job to do with his lovely melancholicness music that would fit perfect with my current state of barely there alcoholicness

after feverishly try'n to get a sympathetick date fer the nite to no avail...i told the ticket taker door slug to give my ticket to the 1st person come'n to the show that still hadn't purchased a ticket yet...i figered this could count as my one charitable act of the year...and a fer sure front row ticket into CASPER's kingdom...in the off chance that i was tragically run down by stampede of water buffalo after the show

i waited near the door to make sure he did as i had asked...as the crowd started to fill up the floor i noticed the 1st guy pull'n benjamins outta out her purse...3 more fans would come thru the line until i noticed a non heterosexual couple pull'n out their pay fer a pair of tickets...and then a much younger and less attractive non homosexual couple came thru and were bein directed to the ATM to get cash out
(hey...i'm just call'n em as i see em kittens)

at first i thought that it was extra benjamins fer cocktails...but i noticed the blonde menstrual cycle rummage'n thru her purse fer pocket change to finish'n cover'n the cover

as they made their way to the bar...i asked the narcoleptic donut trough nazi why he hadn't give'n my purchased ticket away to ANY non payers...he of course blew me off (and trust me...not in the good way) reply'n "i gave it to some girl"...to which i replied "ummm yea whatever dude!" (and trust me when i say...i would never think of utter'n the words "dude...it's soo foreign to me...much like Paris...spend'n a nite with a plethora of scantily clad Playboy bunny's or gett'n rode like a wheel barrel is...wait...strike that last one...that's only a lil foreign to me)

i ran into the somewhat unattractive couple at the bar...and truly tried to feel bad about my assumption...so i asked them if they were give'n a free ticket and they replied they were not and hadda use some of their grocery money to get the ticket...i knew it!

i am not Helen fuck'n Keller...i know what i didn't see...it was a free ticket to pay it forward you gelatinous lump of gluttony...not a fuck'n all-u-can-consume VIP pass to old country barffet Jabba!

after the utter fabulousness of the JAY BRANNAN show...my muff was still miffed and decided to calm my nerves down with a new sett'n and carted my A double snakes over to make an 11 pm appearance to the open'n of the new and 1st non heterosexual bar in uptown...which i have to say...thee most uncreative name...simply title THE GAME...but they should'a simply titled it GAME OVER!

there was no je ne sais quoi anywhere to be seen...it was after all a sports bar...so i wasn't expect'n drag queens lyp-sync'n to some tired Whiney Houston tune...but it still resembled the la isla bonita restaurant before...minus a few tables and chairs...the overall ambiance was about as invite'n as a leper in a 3way

don't even get me started on the hideous overhead Costco lighten'n...which was most definitely not selfie approved...even fer the most experienced photo filtered pro 'mo...cuz lemme tell ya kittens...fags are fickle in this town about look'n good fer a lil tonsil pickle tickle pic to update their profile pic with on the off chance that they might get the chance to get deflowered before sunrise

though i tried have'n a decent time visit'n with the few fergetful friends i didn't plan on runn'n into that nite...the place started thinn'n out 20 minutes later like an anorexic hooked on an arsenic drip...seriously kittens...i've seen bigger open'ns on GRINDR & SCRUFF combined!...i'll give it 12 months
(and that's bein far too generous)

at this point...i realized "the mill" hadn't really lit candles as a sign of solidarity to us fer not show'n up one particular sunday...but more likely put out a voodoo hit on me instead...thankfully i had enough sense to keep my cents tucked at the bottom of my purse...much like my feel'ns fer the whole nite and took my dignity...along with my A double snakes back home and vowed never to shun "the mill" ever ever again!

now get off my dress!