STOP IT...DROP IT...CROP IT OUT

picture it kittens...it's 2019 and the much anticipated follow-up to the very

psychologically disturb'n 1980's flick "THE SHINING" titled "DOCTOR SLEEP" was released and i personally was equally (if not more) psychologically exhausted by it

my life at that moment felt like i was starr'n in my very own psychologically 

fucked episode of SCHITT'S CREEK without a paddle to direct me to a way out from the disgruntled pelican's i was work'n with at the time

and indie folk singer/song writer and hotter than the flicker'n flames of  

H-E-double hockey stix JAY BRANNAN was play'n in heavy rotation on my spotify mix (wish'n i was heavily play'n with his) when i received a text from an unknown number late one nite as i was gett'n ready to wind down ask'n if he could come over since he had gotten off his shift (most likely look'n fer my shaft) at the pizza parlor down the street from me 

BUTT...

i wasn't really THAT tired that nite...so i texted back ask'n how he'd gotten 

my digits to which he roughly said from chatt'n on-line some time ago so of course curiosity had gotten the better of me though i made it quite clear it was ONLY to meet fer a bit...deactivate'n any thoughts of fornicational titillations that may have been circle'n thru his riddled mind...however when he showed up reek'n of pizza sauce and look'n like JAY BRANNAN's twin i was ready to eat him...nonetheless...i sustained and we just chitter chatted til the wee hours of the morn'n when he confessed that we had chatted roughly a year prior...

oh really now? i guess after a quick google search of him (that he told me to do most likely to save time from explain'n it fer the umpteenth time) he was incarcerated from some narcotic shenanigans shortly after our initial chatter fer a year or so and since i've unfortunately always had a thing fer "bad boys" (well…need i say more?)

listen...i was already in my fabu-less than fortunate late 40's and had ended 

up feel'n like a giddy goldicocks after fall'n fer my now 3rd chemically dependent dandy lion (hey...i'm no judgemental judy...we've ALL made mistakes in life...i just say learn from em and move on!) the 1st was too manipulative and cold...the 2nd was too hot and needy...yet...this last one literally seemed just right and i knew i didn't want him fer just "right now" fer some reason...

plus...i was evolve'n into a smitten infatuated zombie kitten...kittens...gett'n way too emotionally invested by date #2 like i hadn't been fer almost 20 years!

he had me doin things that my ghostly white flesh most certainly would'a 

disregarded if ANYONE else had requested it...from walk'n around the lakes under the blister'n hot sun (parasol free i might add) to toss'n a frisbee in a tee in the park to hold'n hands with no worries in the dark

he had begged me not to leave town to Orprahville 2 months in...but as 

adorable as he was want'n me to stay...i explained that i had already booked my mini vaca 2 months prior before we had ever met...plus i was only goin there to try and win free tix to the QUEEN's latest show MADAME X mini wheat tour though he had the option to call or text anytime he felt inclined to...i even offered him to come with me...

but apparently his parole board wouldn't let him leave the state fer 5 years...it was actually nice to feel someone need'n me that much to be honest that i almost was gonna cancel my trip once i made my way thru the complimentary security pat down...i mean gates...ALMOST!

2 days later i would return home after have'n an annoy'n time and with no

 winn'n M tix in my claws which didn't really matter to me cuz i was beyond ecstatic to see him again...however...suddenly i felt the winds of change in the air between us...though i decided to throw caution to the non communicative wind and played the proverbial game of "WTF?" fer a few more weeks until i needed the unanswered...finally answered

so after play'n text tag back and forth we decided to take what i knew was

 the gonna be the final degradational walk around the lake after he told me to meet him there...though he reluctantly decided to pick me up after much of my persistent persuasion

after the painful walk around the lake talk'n about nothing relevant at all

i was gifted with the tired worn out "we'll still do stuff together" passage from the book of "how to feel guilt free and still full of shit fer dummies" cuz i've listened to that worn out dance tune played before...apparently this was just one of those 12 bitter steps in recovery he hadda say fer himself...how to be an asshole without even try'n and to his credit perhaps it was fer his own recovery (i'll never know the truth cuz they're ALL good at lie'n) trust me...i get it! no one EVER wants to be THE ONE to say it (well accept me...i won't pull on loose strings assume'n the other will figer it out on their own) nevertheless...seriously at a certain age...just grow some damn cahoonah's!

after replay'n where it all went wrong in my head fer roughly far too long

than i ever had with anyone in the past...i arose from my coffin after a rough week and had to see if it was worth pursue'n any further so i decided to contact a real professional fer some real cosmic advice

know'n that open'n this pathetic pandora box was gonna be an emotional disaster fer me...EH!...that's what they say about carbs...but we still buy the bread!

after hunt'n down a pinch of bat wing...some spicy hamburger helper and 

a remnant of somethin' that belonged to him personally (luckily i still had that underwear i had ripped off him a month earlier...umm FYI...don't ask!) the spell was cast and i was given specific instructions to say a few poetic phrases out loud to myself in private and light a candle then proceed to watch as it flickered and flailed until it burnt out completely on it's very own

any reputable psychologist or 3rd grader fer that matter...would'a thought

that i had gone completely batshit insane...try'n to cast a spell on some long lost short lived dead affair (an emotionally self inflicted coup d'état one might say) NONETHELESS...there i was plastered on my couch... 

like an overindulgent display of some haplessness slug monster with the tv on mute literally watch'n the flames of my sanity flicker back and forth...dread'n to leave the live'n room in fear that i might miss the flame go out so no matter where i went in my quaint little shitbox...

even when mother nature came a call'n...that damn candle would be right by my side...

until it finally bid me adieu 36 hours later (and yes there is no over nite under eye cream that was gonna rid me of those emotional shopp'n bags that i would unfortunately acquire due to the lack of sleep so of course i would hibernate fer another day) 

oddly enough...i would receive a text from him on the follow'n day...so i 

guess said spell had indeed done it's intended purpose...though really...was it all worth it in the end? it wasn't as if it was some sorta affirmation of affection fer me...just a simple non sentimental handout that somehow still had me think'n there was some sorta hope fer even a simple meaningless friendship like he said though as time marched on and COVID had shut the planet down...i had banned any and all astrological signs and online daily affirmations from my psyche cuz i realized i was worth a helluva lot more than putt'n myself thru yet another candle in the wind...cuz really...in the end...hadn't i been burnt enough i thought to myself

to sum it up...this would not be turn'n into the DAVID/PATRICK conclusion

 that i recently rewatched...however...after many a season changes since...i had exercised my demons and moved beyond him even as a pass'n thought (well except fer my cell remind'n me of his bday in july which i finally deleted & a lil holiday meme) then outta the blue the other nite he showed up in a dream surrounded by kids on a beach and ask'n me if i missed him? 

HA...if i missed him? (no decipher'n needed)

ummm i've only had dreams of certain people that have been very close 

to me that are no longer able to borrow me a cup of sugar!

alas...thanx to JAY BRANNAN...i had found our song that sums it all up...PLUS...

i've always believed in karmic chameleon retribution...

and i remember that one bit of sound advice from that repuglicunt pipe cleaner said back in the 80's...

i do not wish him ANY sorta harm nor do i wish him ANY sorta penance

i have flushed his feelin's along with any memories of us down the proverbial drain much like he did mine many moons ago and moved on from consider'n him anything more than just a mere moment in time fer this weeks blog...now GET OFF MY DRESS!

CONFECTIONARY CHAOS pt. 2

don'tcha find it kinda funny how people say that you must always remain 

positive with life in order fer yer chakra and yer well bein' to be in balance so you can live a much longer more healthier and fruitful life and that if yer constantly bein negative in life it will only bring you closer to the grave? yet if you test negative fer #1 the HIV or #2 the COVID (as i had recently with both) then it's actually a completely positive thing fer yer life!

well then...is it really all that negative of me to positively wish the damn domino effect kicks in (after Ivana kicked the can over the weekend) fer her mentally deranged dickless orange puffer fish X? R.I.P. I.T! i guess you decide...however kittens...in short...

 

you can take yer kumbaya's and yer daily affirmations and stick it where the sun don't shine and swallow the advice that i stand by 100% from 5 time VFW jitterbug champion Florence Jean Castleberry!

ok this analogy has absofuckinlutely nothin' to do with today's follow-up...i just needed an eye catch'n opener just like in all those deliciously bad and tacky Roger Coreman movies

click here to catch up with what the hell is goin on before move'n on and now the excrutiate'n conclusion to CONFECTIONARY CHAOS

turns out it was 6 bags of somethin' better than make'n our taste buds

 dance'n til dawn...it was 6 bags of monetary madness!

as we each grabbed 2 bags each...we hopped into Big Lipps Magee's car

and proceeded to hatch a calculated plan completely ignore'n the mountain of unopened twinkies as to how we were actually gonna be able to get away with our new found wealth

1st on the list was to completely alter our looks...by pick'n up 3 different

boxes of dyes to change our luscious locks to a completely different look than we had previously to our life of crime (see...this is where Bonnie & Clyde completely fucked it all up if ya ask me) i decided to go with a warm chestnut...if anyone asks

next up was to purchase one way tickets to some foreign country...

at the time i thought hmmm? Ottumwa Iowa seemed rather quiet plus i could hang out with Radar at the local soda shop and talk about his time in the trenches...hey i just figered if we layed low fer the next 3 to 5 years...

(cuz i was in no mood to do 5 to 10 in San Quentin) we could all meet up at some undisclosed rendezvous point however after we figered there was no way Big Lipps Magee wouldn't get his ass kicked from here to Havana if he didn't have the car home before his ma woke up for work...he just dropped me off at home and went on his merry lil way

BUTT wait...there's more

Joan had decided to leave town fer the next 3 days visit'n her brother in 

Virginia (or maybe it was West...i don't know...it's not really that important to this story i just wanted to give you a visual backstory) so it was me and my 3 oldest sibs that hadda look after our 3 younger sibs so by the time i finally made it home...i crawled thru my bedroom window and frantically searched fer scissors to open my 2 bags of coins to see what i had now possessed...turns out i had 2 enormous bags of quarters and feverishly devised a plan to cash them all in though that would have to wait til morn'n

once the younger sibs were stapled to the couch with their ice cream

 bucket jammed to the top with their stomach fillers the follow’n morn'n…

i turned on their fav-o-rit saturday morn'n news program just to keep the lil monkeys tap dance'n while i tried to figer the best way to carry my new found loot to the bank

i went down to our Silence of the Lambs cellar and grabbed a handful 

of mason jars from Joan's cann'n collection...i completely filled 4 of the large jars to the brim so i packed them neatly in my pack back 

and whisked myself off to the bank before they would close by noon and too my surprise i ended up with 363 spank'n new benjamins to my name...that was like a million dollars to a 15 year old since my paper route only paid my 38 benjamins a month to deliver the shitty Shopper (cheap fucks and their slave labor)

return'n home...the lil monkeys were restless and i was in no mood to

 play warden with my new found wealth so i called Big Lipps Magee to see what he had scored with his haul...turns out it was roughly only 75 benjamins in nickels...i told him i'd give him 2 benjamins fer petrol if he would run me to the local record store FACE THE MUSIC (which...incidentally...you millennial's will never appreciate the experience of a 1000 click  click click's of cd's case like us gen X'ers)

once inside i found myself thee holy grail of money holder's stare'n me smack dab in the face at the front counter which would only cost me the low low price of $7.50 to adopt it so how could i go wrong? this was totally an omen cuz if i never would'a non violently robbed that twinkie truck...i would most likely never have went into FACE THE MUSIC that weekend and since there was only one dark lavender Culture Club wallet left...it was really meant to be

after my holy grail purchase...Big Lipps Magee dropped me off at home

but my younger sibs were gett'n restless since the saturday morn'n news was come'n to an end so i decided to be the responsible big bro and hopped on my huffy to the local video rental store to find somethin to lobotomize the lil ones a lil longer fer the next 3 or 4 hours so i wouldn't be bothered try'na figer out how to wisely invest my new windfall

after 30 minutes of hunt'n high and low thru the aisles of VHS hell...i opted on "ET" if i remember correctly and a lil unknown nonetheless important cumm'n of age foreign flick "DESIRES OF THE DEVIL" (though that was fer my own personal view'n pleasure with some of my friends)

as i brought the tapes up to the counter to pay...i couldn't find my brand

 new Culture Club wallet contain'n my new converted Twinkie treasure in my back pocket which i then immediately and quite frantically ran thru the rental store like a tazmanian devil with turrets hunt’n fer it however after 10 minutes or so not find'n it i figered i probably dropped at my house so i huffy'd my plump and oh so supple A double snakes back home as fast as a hornet...flipp'n my entire bedroom upside down...i could feel my walls close'n in on me and suddenly felt like the princess trapped in H-E-double hockey stix with no hope in sight of ever find'n my wallet

i could barely catch my breath as i flew back down to the video store

to ask the 2 town video whores work'n part time behind the counter if anyone had turned in a wallet to which they both said (in unison i might add) "NO...no one turned in a purple Culture Club wallet!"

waid'a'minute! i never said what kinda wallet it was nor the color

of it…the jig was up...i now had realized that i'd been played by a couple of pro's who weren't play'n around...not ONLY did i forgo the video rentals fer my sibs (and that one video nasty fer me and my friends) i also didn't get to relish in my new found wealth any longer...worst of all...

I LOST MY DAMN DARK LAVENDER HOLY GRAIL!

even Indiana could'a never completed this task fer me

moral of this story is ...karma is more than just a chameleon from the 80's

and that twinkies are not the chemically treated deliciousness that we were lead to believe!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

ps...if the statute of limitations hasn't run out and we can possibly be charged with some sorta armed robbery or high crimes and misdemeanors after all these years...ummm this was all just an alleged dream i fergot to not remember...ever!