picture it kittens...the year was 1987 and glamorously gothical lead singer
PETE BURNS of the british pop rock band “
DEAD OR ALIVE” was just a ghost with a long long dead affair runn’n up on my stairs with their spooktacular hit “
SOMETHING IN MY HOUSE”
reflect'n back at my laundry list of relationships over the past 30 years
most of them read like a kaleidoscopic house of horrors...though trust me...i was more than happy to enter...that is until the i seen the exit sign and would rarely ever want to return fer another walk thru again
(rarely bein' the opperative word)
i remember the 1st house i ever enter at 26 in '96...that made me feel like
it was the very 1st time (well...cuz it really was) just a random house outta the blue that i bought tickets to in LaCrosse WI when we met thru friends one nite at a bar...i was as pure and unplucked as Pat Priest in a snazzy pinafore ensemble and told him i hadda wait til i knew he knew i was "the one" and 3 months later he would carve me out and lit me up like a jack-off-latern...unfortunately...
it would only take him a full 24 hrs later before he had tossed me out like it was nov.1st when we agreed to meet at the club the follow'n nite where i was gonna be promote'n my show
that set the bar fer ALL fantastically future fun houses of failures of course!
the next was the house of iris's that i entered roughly a year or so later...
we were both completely hypnotized by each others eyes...i can recall after meet'n on a simple hook-up on the phone lines one lazy sunny afternoon...he complimented me on my gorgeous steel grey eyes...i was a sucker fer his seafoam greenish blue eyes of course...only to find out a month later after spend'n the nite together at his place that we were both wear'n the ever popular color contacts...of course a couple months into him i started to hear spook stories ever since he came over beyond late one nite tell'n me he hadda "comfort" a friend cuz their fav soap star had just bit the dust...
believe'n it hook...line and the electronic sinker he had glued to his hand and read like a magic 8 ball...he would go ape shit look'n fer his pager one day after i had hid it in his roomies couch cuz i finally figered what it was for and he slammed the door on our barely there relationship the same day i lost my job...my stage performances and my BFF at the time to a dreaded disease...finish'n it by tell'n me he wasn't stay'n just cuz she died (charm'n huh!)
a 3 1/2 year hiatus...i decided to enter the house of complete narcissism
by the time i’d turned 30 that would last the longest at roughly 4 1/2 years after just meet'n fer some frivilous frolick'n one fall weekend...he was my HEMAN and he affectionately referred to me as his "wonderboy" (not becuz of our 18 1/2 year difference...and trust me...that half always counts) it's cuz he always wondered what surprise i had in store fer him...though his wander'n eye made me wonder why i stayed in it as long as i had...
the next 2 that followed...followed the same pattern as the previous pickle i was in and plaid was never a good look on me so i decided to break that sordid spell with a twitch of my nose...though sad to say...my twitcher was in desperate need of tweek'n
by the time i hit my fabu-less than fortunate 40's... i ended up in the house
of narcotics...i felt like i was goldicocks fall'n fer the 3 meth headed hairless bears (hey...i'm no judgemental judy...we've ALL made mistakes in life...just learn from em!) the 1st was too manipulative and cold...the 2nd was too hot and needy but the last one literally seemed just right and i knew i didn't want him fer just "right now" fer some reason...it was the 1st time i had ever had someone show me that much affection and restraint at the same time in a long time...
and i was smitten like an infatuated zombie kitten...kitten
he had me doin things that my ghostly white flesh most certainly would'a
disregarded if ANYONE else had requested it...from walk'n around the lakes under the blister'n hot sun parasol free to toss'n a fribee in a tee in the park to hold'n hands with no worries in the dark
he had begged me not to leave town to Orprahville a month in...but as
adorable as he was want'n me to stay...i explained that i had already booked the mini vaca 2 months prior before we ever met and i was only goin there to try and win free tix to the QUEEN's latest show though he had the option to call or text anytime he felt inclined to...i even offered him to come with me...
but apparently his parole board wouldn’t let him leave the state fer 5 years...it was actually nice to feel someone need'n me that much to be honest that i almost was gonna cancel my trip once i made my way thru the complimentary security gates pat down...ALMOST!
2 days later i would return home after have'n an annoy'n time and with no
winn'n M tix in hand but beyond ecstatic to see him again...however...suddenly i felt the winds of change in the air between us...though i decided to throw caution to the non communicative wind and played the proverbial game of "WTF?" fer a few more weeks until i needed the unanswered...finally answered...
so after play'n text tag back and forth we decided to take what i knew was the gonna be the final walk around the lake after he told me to meet him there even though he reluctantly decided to pick me up after much of my persistent persuasion
after the painful walk around the lake talk'n about nothing relevent at all
i was gifted with the tired worn out "we'll still do stuff together" passage from the book of "how to feel guilt free and still full of shit fer dummies" cuz i've heard that worn out dance tune from the past 2 meth heads...apparently this was just one of those 12 bitter steps in recovery...how to be an asshole without even try'n
after replay'n where it all went wrong in my head fer roughly far too long
than i ever had with anyone in the past...i arose from my coffin after a rough week and had to see if it was worth pursuing any further so i decided to contact a real professional fer some real cosmic advice
after hunt'n down a pinch of bat wing...some spicy hamburger helper and
a remnant of somethin' that belonged to him personally (luckily i still had that underwear i had ripped off him a month earlier...umm FYI...don't ask!) the spell was cast and i was given specific instructions to say a few poetic phrases out loud to myself in private and light a candle then proceed to watch as it flickered and flailed until it burnt out completely on it's very own
any reputable psychologist or 3rd grader fer that matter...would'a thought
that i had gone completely batshit insane...try'n to cast a spell on some long lost dead affair...but there i was plastered on my couch...
like an overindulgent display of some haplessness slug monster with the tv on mute literally watch'n the flames of my sanity flicker back and forth...dread'n to leave the live'n room in fear that i might miss the flame go out so no matter where i went in my quaint little shitbox...
even when mother nature came a call'n...that damn candle would be right by my side...
until it finally bid me adieu 1 1/2 days later
oddly enough...i would recieve a text from him on the follow'n day...
so i guess said spell had indeed done it's intended purpose...but really...was it all worth it in the end? it wasn't as if it was some sorta affirmation of affection fer me...just a simple non sentimental handout that somehow still had me think'n there was some sorta hope fer even a simple meaningless friendship like he said...but i figered as time went on...i was worth a helluva lot more than putt'n myself thru yet another candle in the wind...cuz really...in the end...hadn’t i been burned enough?
besides...i've always believed in karmic chameleon retribution
i do not wish him any harm nor do i wish him any of my best
i’m in my prime so simply put...just GET OFF MY DRESS!
