DON'T DRAG ME DOWN!

there are many many myths in the world that many many people have 

believed to be true...that sooner or later...at some point...gets debunked as 100% false like fer instance...popular psychic to the senile credit card callers in the 1990's MISS CLEO who couldn't predict her way outta a paper bag even if it was made out of invisible paper...

was really just out of work 80's actor TODD BRIDGES from tv's "DIFFERENT STROKES" dressed in a wig from the Eva Gabor's jerry curl collection...costume trinkets he "borrowed" from Mrs. Garrett's dress'n room and a tacky muumuu he got at some close-out sale at the Lane Bryant outlet in Indiana

that the saucy senior with the lavender locks from down under DAME EDNA is really just a hitman fer the gladiola mafia

or that transgendered beauty AMANDA LEPORE is 100% recyclable (she can't be more than 69%)

and even though the term "drag" is as old and ugly...tired and expired as a thanksgive'n dinner in july

i am neither (well not YET anyways) bein the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am!

cuz when you can take a throat plunge'n cock-a-doodle do and turn it 

into a barely there scratch'n post...you are perform'n a pretty damn good illusion so with that in mind kittens...let's hop aboard the debunction function express

though most of the baby boomer generation of today are one by one

turn'n into a buffet fer dung beetles...they grew up watch'n mr. television MILTON BERLE dressed in his nana's naughty's on the “KRAFT MUSIC HALL" program which transitioned from radio to tv in the 1950's (even though he was reportedly a hard core homo phobie) that all kids watched with the family

while TONY CURTIS and JACK LEMON were musicians who escaped

a police raid and witness a mob hit (loosely inspired by the real life St. Valentine's Day massacre) so they disguise themselves in their best pressed grannies get-up and board a train to miami where they both compete fer the affection of lead singer SUGAR KANE of the all female band played by MARILYN MONROE in the crime dramedy of 1959 "SOME LIKE IT HOT" that the cool arty kids got to watch with their families who could afford the ticket prices

by the 1960's the popular series all about a suburban family of mythical 

creatures of the nite on the hit series "THE MUNSTERS" in one of their most popular episodes HERMAN portrayed his feminine side after exposure to a bolt of lighten'n that all kids watched with the family

in the 1970's....drag characters were embraced by audiences everywhere  

from the brilliantly hysterical HARVEY KORMAN who portrayed many drag persona's on the hit comedy series "THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW" where he began in 1967 til he left the series in 1977 winn'n a golden globe fer his performances in 1975 that all kids watched with the family

FLIP WILSON portray'n sassy liberated woman GERALDINE JONES on the hit series "THE FLIP WILSON SHOW" from '70-'74 and became the 1st successful african american series winn'n FLIP a golden globe and 2 emmy awards that all kids watched with the family

and JAMIE FARR as the quaky cross-dress'n CORPORAL KLINGER who wore his sunday best to try and get a section 8 discharge on the medical dramedy series "M*A*S*H" which ran from '72-'83 that all kids watched with the family

and on the big screen was the break-out role fer british actor TIM CURRY starr'n as the sexually starved transvestite DR. FRANK-N-FURTER in the cult classic (years later) "THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW" in 1975 which is still premiere'n 47 years after it's original release in theaters make'n it the longest release in movie history that the cool arty kids watched with the family along with toss'n toilet paper & bread crumbs at the screen

once the 1980's had rolled around...the gender benders began flood'n the 

air waves and small screens thanx to Mtv with the likes of BOY GEORGE...PETE BURNS...MARILYN...ANNIE LENNOX and GRACE JONES 

and those hard rock'n alcoholic wives DEE SNIDER of TWISTED SISTER...BRETT MICHEALS of POISON and VINCE NEIL of MOTLEYU CRUE who were all the rage fer those dirtballs from Des Moines to Detroit

with the main characters TOM HANKS as KIP WILSON/BUFFY and 

PETER SCOLARI as HENRY DESMOND/HILDEGARD play'n duel roles on the slapstick series "BOSOM BUDDIES" who were advertise'n agents by day and chatty kathy's by nite try'na save a buck on rent in an all woman's hotel cuz their apartment build'n was demolished while they slept than ran fer 2 seasons in 1980 that all kids watched with the family

and DUSTN HOFFMAN lit up the silver screen by 1982 portray'n out of work actor MICHAEL DORSEY who's been known to be difficult to work with until one day he hears of a female part open'n up on a soap opera as hospital administrator EMILY KIMBERLY and decides to disguise himself as DORTHY MICHAELS to win the part in the romantic comedy "TOOTSIE" make'n it the 2nd highest gross'n film behind E.T. that same year...that all kids watched with the family if the parents could afford part'n with their pennies fer a nite out after their swanson frozen dinner

with his love interest in the film and MN native JESSICA LANGE winn'n an oscar fer best support'n actress fer her performance

and JOHN WATERS indie musical smash "HAIRSPRAY"  that my friend Dr. Bob introduced me to in 1988 starr'n under ground disco sensation DIVINE as EDNA TURNBALD that became a broadway musical 14 years later and 5 years later would turn back into a movie about the musical that all cool arty kids watched with the family if the parents could to make it to broadway 

when the 1990's began so did the rise of over the top drag persona's 

that went from subculture to mainstream pop culture with the likes of JAMIE FOXX portray'n UGLY WANDA on the FOX comedy sketch series "IN LIVING COLOR" that all kids watched with the family

RUPAUL's electrify'n club smash "SUPERMODEL (YOU BETTER WORK)" was burn'n up the dance floors everywhere around the world

the australian blockbuster "PRISCILLA QUEEN OF THE DESERT" that i 

had seen like 11 times at the Uptown theater in 1994 starr'n TERRENCE STAMP as BERNADETTE...HUGO WEAVING as MITSY and GUY PEARCE in his break-out role as FELICIA (which would go on to become a brilliant broadway musical 17 years later) that all cool arty kids watched with the family if the parents could afford  movie prices or waited til they could rent it at their local blockbuster 

and shortly after i absofuckinglutely decided to give birth to the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe KRYSTAL KLEER in 1995

MISS COCO PERU appeared in the romantic dramedy indie flick "TRICK" in 1999 that all cool arty teenragers watched with their friends while the parents played "cribbage" with the neighbors

and ROBIN WILLIAMS as the doting dad try'n to hold onto his relationship with his kids as his is fall'n apart in the mega hit "MRS DOUBTFIRE" from 1993 that won ROBIN an oscar...emmy and mtv awards fer his ingenious comedic time'n performance that all kids watched with the family and came back fer seconds with their "babysitter"

by the time the ball had dropped after it struck 12 on the new millennium

and all the clocks...the computers...the banks and society hadn't fall'n into the great abyss that was apparently predicted with the insane home generator sales we hadn't seen since the CABBAGE PATCH mania of 1983...

that everyone and their brother's mother from the neighbor's father was back comb'n the fuck outta their grama's Eva Gabor wig collection...throw'n on their babysitters thigh highs and lyp-sync'n with their lollipop to hits from LORETTA LYNN thru LIL KIM and every artist in between

movies like HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH in 2001 

and the british comedy based on a true story KINKY BOOTS in 2005 would both enjoy a fantastic run on broadway start'n in 2014

ever since 2009 when RUPAUL pitched a lil show called "DRAG RACE"

to tv execs at LOGO...the series has since turned into the devil of drag catastrophes fer 15 mind numb'n seasons...with 7 spin off seasons of ALL STARS and spawn'n into 14 other countries with their own visions of their 31 flavors of back stabb'n bitchiness on every episode that all kids watched with the family or snuck to their friends family to watch

BUTT...wait!

leave it to some fickle fuckless religious repuglicunt with less morals than

a brown marmorated stink bug…Senate majority asswipe Jack Johnson of Tennessee who introduced a "drag bill" that would stop performers in the great state of banjo's and beer belches from earn'n and entertain'n the cousins and kin folk of the Smokey Mountain state

which unfortunately was signed into law last week by their fucktwat of a governor Bill Lee

although not before their creepy christian colostomy bagged lieutenant repuglicunt governor Randy McNasty was busted with this bill between his britches by like'n posts of a nearly naked instagrammer posts who is 5 generational letters below his own with comments like "FINN, you can turn a rainy day into rainbows and sunshine" before like'n another post that read "I Am not a WHORE, I Am a HOE! there is a difference! One is a SLUT and the other is a Prostitute!" and of course wouldn't you know it...

his press secretiontary would explain it away as he "likes" to "support" his constituents (yea…i get'cha gramps)

though why not spend more time restructure'n yer education programs

fer the lil kittens in yer districts since last i checked fer 2022...you ain't doin so great as a state mate!

with 14 more repuglicunt states try'n to board the anti drag bills bus

those of us with half a work'n brain cell can see what the common denominator at play here is…

cuz drag performances have been around since that bald'n guy with a bad perm wrote his 1st play over 400+ years ago and know that this is all just a smoke screen bill fer bigger anti LGBTXYZPDQ bills to come up on the floor eventually...hmmm why not put more push fer gun reform so lil kittens will no longer have to dodge bullets instead of balls...perhaps free hot meals fer poor kids and maybe more cooler interest'n after school programs as simple suggestions where to begin anal warts! 

don't even get me started on the many drag queen library hours bein

  harassed fer no reason by the very same sack of sanctimonious bible thump'n dipshits turn'n into whiney lil bitches when karma decides to kick their dilapidated flap-jacked ass to the curb who want nothing to do with read'n to their own children at nite cuz one's too busy boink'n the babysitter in the backseat while the other one is pickle'n the principle's prick after the PTA meet'ns

though political cut-throater JON STEWART summed it up a lil more perfectly!

listen up kittens...we ALL grew up watch'n BUGS BUNNY ride into the 

sunset with their long flaxen blonde braids blow'n in the wind while cock tease'n the unfuckable Elmer Fudd (well the Gen X'ers anyways) so how many of you went on to live fairly family friendly lives though unfuckable after have'n a bunch of bawl'n brats bleed'n yer bank account dry fer the next 18 years without the urge to staple gun yer dick between yer derrière and parade around on stage in 8 inch hooker heels look’n like a colorful catastrophe fer dollar bills & drinks?  

yea i thought so...just vote these holier than thou phony fucktards out the next election cycle and

GET OFF MY DRESS!

Frosty Flakers

i was a big fan of that chemically enhanced mouthful of confectionery fun

as were most of us Gen X'ers that grew up with that fuck'n hypnotize'n tiger in the ascot with a daddy's roar durin' the 80's...turns out though that they weren't all that fuck'n grrrrreat after all since i would end up gett'n 8 damn cavities from o.d'n on em before fall'n into some confectionery coma once a week durin' my tenderly traumatic teen years...you'd think i'da learn my lesson

when it comes to date'n a potential failure...that could very well turn into yer future failure...cuz let's be real here...you only really got 'em on loan...since well death is inevitable...so there's not really an effective how to handbook on how to keep them in yer clutches ferever...doesn't matter

whether yer some back comb'n...booze guzzle'n breeder in daisy dukes too sizes too small...puff'n a 2 pack of Marlboro golds on a daily basis...shoot'n out bastard children in the trailer park like a lawn sprinkler...

or some highly pitched bitch that squeals like some blow monkey on meth...think'n they're the creme' de'la'fem of the crop tops but look more like a bloated blood sausage burst'n in their BVD's...constantly consume'n the spotlight on themselves...either case...we all have our rules when hunt'n fer that special fucktard to call our very own

i used to find that when i was search'n fer a potentially interested failure...

i preferred someone closer to the top of the food chain...that would to jump off a cliff...while chant'n my name when they would see me...

though in all actuality...i find that just simply wait'n fer 3 simple dates with some simpleton before we're both make monkey love like greased up yorkshire pigs at the county fair is much more fair in the end as long as they don't ask me fer cab fare...keep in mind though...this doesn't mean i wanna move in or get married by date #4 or anything like that...

i mean seriously kittens...i don't have a lifetime membership discount card to any local hardware store nor do i own any stock options at any move'n company...

i'll just leave that to the professionals

of course fer the purpose of this melodrama...most of my love life has been played out like any one of Avril Lavigne's big hits and eventually

unfortunately just like the albums...when it's over...it's completely over...you just have'ta pick yerself back up and eventually move on to the next one without any regrets to start the ol' engine again

i have never felt the need to rent a room in desperadoville nor did i ever

practice my baton twirl'n in some pathetic pity parade charade just cuz society deems that yer used up and worn out at a certain age...nor do i subscribe to that tired "oh you'll find someone out there someday"

BUTT…hear me out

yes i agree when it's good...it's good...but let's get real here kittens...

it's way more fun to spend yer hard earned benjamins on the one person you know that'll really appreciate you fer you...and that is YOU! without have'n to get permission from yer annoy'n pathetick half...half the time...especially when you add other expensive shit buckets into the equation that have ruined yer waistline beyond belief and milk'd yer piggy bank dry just about every other week

i've done my fair share of charitable acts thru-out my love life...date'n from

 and fall'n into those head over heels hallmark moments with thee emotionally unstable in my late 20's...

thee socially retarded in my middle 30's...

and thee chemically independence in my early late 40's

after 3 decades of this...i didn't need to date any more judgmental judy's

and decided it was time to rethink about me fer a change and dip back into the insane single lane...oh don't take that the wrong way...each and everyone of those frosted flakes of failure from my past...did mean somethin' to me at some point obviously since they were with me and i'll admit...i do hold a very small portion to be polite to the demise of it all

but just like a carton of eggs...they all had their expiration date once i was fried on them

so i figer'd it was time to save money on therapy and decided to pack up

those things that many refer to as "feelings" to the back of my limbic system of my cranium...hit the road and just pump and dump fer a while...safely...when needed of course

it would take me 2 years later before i decided it was time to clean my...

love shack shit shack from all that bad chi that had been hang'n around me fer far too long and decided to go on my 1st actual date that i wanted to actually follow thru with 5 years ago

everyone knows when they think there's a possibility with a person of interest...you pull out yer rule book and just go from there...and this one seemed to fit my profile...he had the looks....charm...that wrinkled twinkle

 in his eyes that made me wanna know more...i am a sucker fer a set of iris's (to keep his anonymity safe...i'll just use what he said what he was compared to before as a visual and i'll say it's pretty close) anyways...where was i? oh yea...the only thing miss'n from him was the back handed sammich compliments or glassy eyes that i seem to mentally get attracted to...he was just way too nice and dare i say "normal" this was all new unfamiliar unchartered waters fer me...so we continued to have non verbal chatter via text fer a week or so til we would have an ACTUAL conversation...somethin' that most millennials can't even comprehend with a google search

date #1 was at my palace...since he said he didn't have a tv yet at home...

so we watched one of my all time fav movies "MURIEL'S WEDDING" since he had never seen it before and i could basically recite it word fer word at this point...but trust me Muriel..."i was not terrible" i pondered whether or not to have this be the 1st movie since some might interpret it as a "sign" of panic or desperation...but 2 tears in the bucket...mutha fuck-it!

 the alternative i'da rather watched was "TEXAS CHAINSAW: THE BEGINNING" then i remembered 1st dates are all about give'n memorable impressions and i didn't want him think'n i was some ax wield'n homocidal maniac wish'n he'd packed his can of mace (well not yet anyways) or wish'n he'd gone with what was behind door number 2 instead

there was alot of saliva swapp'n and heavy pett'n at the conclusion of the

movie i can confirm but no dignity was lost nor were any pearl necklaces made

by date #2...i was summoned to his palace...which luckily...was within my

 drive'n radius...walk'n up to his perfectly sculptured yard...we talked more about this and that and that and this that really was just the typical filler conversation on a 2nd date...oh and he was the perfect hostess too...he served me brown rice and tofu on a bed of lightly sea salted kale an exotic beer and we talked alot more as his modular furniture faded into the nite sky...he started kiss'n me...like i hadn't been kissed in years (it's in my rules book under the chapter "slipp'n down the saliva slide too soon") then all of a sudden...off slid our dignity and i was oddly summoned by the faint sounds of Miss Bernhard...chant'n in the back of my head...while in his bed

"stop! do you have any rubbers? while yer at it...could you make it 2? and i would feel just a little bit better if you would apply some spermicidal  jams and jellies to the area" i will not confirm or deny if any sorta broken rules of fornication that may or may not have happened at this point that nite...you just go ahead and fill in the blanks with yer own dirty lil thoughts kittens

finally date #3 had finally arrived as planned...and he planned fer us to see

some sappy dizzy flick about fish...seriously? "FINDING DORY"? we were in our early late 40's fer fuck sakes how about "find'n a decent cocktail bar" perhaps with some Connie Francis or Shelly Fabre echo'n in the background...i always liked Shelly Fabre though i didn't wanna be some snotty ingrate and i can say with all honesty...i melted at the thought however at the same time i'll be honest...a bit of an odd choice fer us at our tender and almost crusted middle age without an accompanying cocktail but then i remembered he was a full 24 hours older than me and i had to do as he said

his hands were all over me like an octopus outta water the whole time which i guess meant he was sorta into me...unless it was due to some sorta nervous tick disorder...either way...i'll admit it was nice...though this "NICE" thing...just a lil eepy cray and totally outta my comfort zone from what i'm used to from my dates

once the movie was over...it was back to his palace to walk his dogs and as i felt more comfortable with him...i unfolded more parts of my past however i noticed an instant change in his demeanor when i spoke briefly of my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe disappear'n career...an all to familiar feel'n that flows like a flood of apparent flaws thru me...now mind you...as much as i was try'n on these new flirty slacks that i haven't put on fer some time...i was in NO WAY ready to call it quits with my single life or memorize the lyrics to "i do i do i do" by ABBA (even though i've practiced plenty of times durin' one of my many highway car concerts) but i just knew the storm was about to hit

once the dogs were back home...the nite was ended with that uncomfortable kiss you would give an elderly incontinent relative you haven't seen in ages...who fergot to put their choppers back in their mouth

well...at this point...i figer'd i had no need to spend my benjamins call'n...

 Miss Cleo fer any future advice...the write'n was on the wall and by late nite the follow'n day...i would receive that "it's not you...it's me" text...somethin' a spineless jelly fish would send cuz you know...person to person is outta the question...pretty much say'n nothin' i haven't heard before...which is why it didn't shock me much at all...plus i'm not gonna waste my time try'n to decipher whether he may or may not have meant somethin' else via his text...

so to save face of course...i would respond with the stale mate refried crap on toast response "yea...friends are fine" text...which is what i thought that's all we were to begin with anyways...though realistically we both know it'll never come to that in the end

all of a sudden...a light bulb popped on in my mind as Miranda ran thru it

i seriously hold no ill will towards him at all...cuz he really is a sweet guy

and as per Avril...he to would make it into a sweet song...but sweets cause cavities...and who needs another mental dental bill?...i could say i certainly hope he finds what he's look'n for...but why?

i have absolutely no regrets with anyone i've ever fancied thus far in my 

life as much of a struggle as it at seem in the 1st place with anyone at that particular moment in time nonetheless i'll make it thru the wilderness and soldier on 

til it's time fer my metamucil martini's in the moonlite...marinate'n my shoulders in an assortment of bengay cremes and Murder She Wrote marathons

i'd just filed this whole experience under "don't distress"...

just Get Off My Dress!