my moments of Meryl...in peril

i've had many oscar winn'n Meryl moments thru-out my unintentionally

internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe career...pre and post

like that one time when i took the head of the football team at my high school back in the ancient rowman times of the 8o's (without gett'n any head i might add) to court fer meticulously and maliciously chopp'n a section of my quaff off...

it felt exactly like that time when GOLDIE attacked MERYL fer her obvious sheer beauty in "DEATH BECOMES HER" though i was bequeathed a much smaller paycheck than MERYL...recieve'n only $37.50 fer my anguishable performance outta the $2500 i thought i was rightfully owed under the law (hey...i was only 17 that was supposed to be my meal ticket outta dodge)

then there was that time in the late early 90's when i was a guinea pig

fer the government fer a boat load of cash thanx to my very dear dear pill pusher PEETRINELLA so i could sail away to China in a little rowboat just to find her but she said she had to get her laundry clean and i just ended up with a boat load of sleep'n disorders

you know...almost exactly like that time when MERYL hadda get her stomach pumped thanx to the one fuckable QUAID brother fill’n her full of QUAIDludes in "POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE"

BUTT unfortunately... 

i never got no damn visit from SHIRLEY MACLAINE!

 

of course how could anyone ferget that time in the mid summer of the 00's

when i was cohorced...chloroformed and kidnapped fer a weekend in the northern woods of MN by the Lousie to my Thelma...me and her precious pooch were lured aboard their SS mini Minnow with cheap bottom shelf swill by her and her dasturdly henchman to drift down the caspian sea...i think (i don't really know cuz the chloroform had me a bit fuzzy of the details and my whereabouts all weekend) 

until her pooch found a moment when our captors weren't pay'n attention as i distracted them with an irish jig so the pooch could fly over board like a moth on meth...swim down stream and scribble indegenous sign language on a rock fer my plan of escape

to a tee what MERYL hadda almost endure in the bone chill'n camp'n adventure "THE RIVER WILD" 

starr'n that golden globe'n hot to trot slice of sizzle'n BACON and that one annoy'n pre-teen pustule in the lalapalooza cap

now i want you to open yer eyes and visualize...i mean come on now...

like yer life is that unbearably excite'n at this mere moment in time (get real...yer here read’n about ME aren't ya?) besides you made it this far...you might as well finish read'n this ghastly gibberish unless of course you have some pumped up thong in spectacles that reads to you s-l-o-w-l-y every nite...now picture it...

it's 2021 last week and there i was as octo-auntie with one tentacle wrapped around my newly born great niece VIOLETTE MOON (awww how presh!) while bounce'n her on my lap...with another tentacle rigorously research'n fer my next hard hitt'n maestro piece blog all while shovel'n the savory mexican slop prepared by my lovely relation...only to find out 3 days later that said lovely relation had tested positive fer the COVID...most likely caught from her recent trip to VEGAS (the windy city of brotherly love that never sleeps)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

of course i was absofuckinglutely flabbergasted by this revelation since i was around them 3 times since they returned so i knew i unfortunately would have to get tested and my mind immediately imagined myself in MERYL's peril with her rivet'n portrayal of the true life story about nuclear whistleblower Karen Silkwood in "SILKWOOD" you know the scene i’m referr'n to kittens...where Karen sets off the radiation alarms due to her exposure after clean'n up her work space from a mini bday soirée

and i just felt it in my bones that i would be accosted by some anal probe-happy floor monitor with tourettes use'n a gigantic non hypo-allergenic industrial strength brillo pad to scrub me down like a Qanon's Facebook page all while douche'n me out with very chilled himalayan water like a common concubine as they jam an elongated cotton swab up my sniffer 

luckily fer me...i just hadda spit...not swallow (which you should ALWAYS do with heavy meat eaters...i’m just say’n...ever try gett’n that horrid after taste of clorox bleach...old man stew and brisket off yer breath?)

thankfully my results came back in my favor and here's a lil side note...ain't it funny have'n a negative attitude won't give you a positive outlook on life...

but after test'n negative that's actually a positive thing in life so chew on that and puhleez wear the damn mask and one last thing...though i may never get as many Oscar nods as MERYL has...at least i’m COVID FREE!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

JIM D. & ME pt 4 (reprise)

well...after 2 million 100 2 thousand 400 minutes...the nightmare that

at least half the country and the rest of the planet with a function'n brain cell has had to suffer thru like a undiagnosed beyond mentally deranged STD has F-I-N-A-L-L-Y been inoculated and cured...unfortunately there was a COMPLETE CODE RED MOMMIE DEAREST meltdown with the other half of the Jethro Clampett-Maury Povich hemmorrhage'n-drano douche'n-dip shitt'n-tin foiled capp'n-syphillis cheerlead'n-diabetic dorito's...

well...BOO FUCK'N HOO!

click fer pt 1      click fer pt 2        click fer pt 3

We always had a ramp at the back of our house so he was able to go

and come by himself. He bought a house, refurbished it and rented it to students. He was always trying something new.

He took lessons on the accordion and i can still hear him playing "The Blue Skirt Waltz" on our front porch. He also managed to do income tax for a myriad of people.

One day while riding in his car the driver took a sharp turn which resulted in the wheelchair being thrown against the side of the van. This resulted in a broken left shoulder for my son. (Doubly bad as he was left handed.)

He managed to keep on with his income tax work by moving his desk near our front door and installing a phone there. In that way he was able to answer the door and save me the trouble of coming in every time anyone knocked. He had a steady influx of people coming.

I remember the last two days before April 15th he had worked through two nights and days getting  the papers ready for latecomers. At ten bells the night of the fifteenth he went to bed exhausted after the last person had picked up their taxes. At ten minutes of twelve the phone rang. I answered it and the woman said she wanted to ask my son a question. I told her i was not about to wake him after all he had gone though and I asked her

"Why did you wait so long?" Her reply was "I don't know".

He died at age 44 of a blood stream infection. He told me before he died there was so many things he still wanted to do. One was to go to Australia.

The mortician informed me after his death that the sac had attained a weight of 40 pounds. Can you imagine carrying that on your shoulders?

I don't have any specific claim to fame but I do get a great deal of satisfaction out of knowing I was able to help my son having as near

normal life as was possible under the circumstances. Years after his death i was watching Rev. Robert Schueler on the TV on Sunday. He in the course of his sermon, enumerated the three kinds of love. The third kind drew my attention. It was "I loved you because you needed me."

A light went on in my mind and I realized why the bond had been so strong

between my son and me. HE NEEDED ME.

Viola Mohan

my grama took care of me durin' my ever change'n teenage gender bender'n angst riddled years...as she did with my other siblin's and cousins as well as her grown kids durin' her lifetime...without make'n me 

feel any different than someone who was walk'n down the street with a peg leg or a glass eye (unlike many others that did at the time) with a warm place to crash when needed or just warm conversations when wanted...the matriarch of our large irish family...Viola passed away peacefully in her sleep at home in 1993 at the age of 87...always young at heart with an open heart...you will always be in mine

hope you enjoyed this epic rerun as much as much as i loved relive'n it

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

JIM D. & ME pt 3 (reprise)

you never REALLY know how much yer addicted to all the social

media out there...til yer NO LONGER able to shove yer salted opinion down the throats of the masses that are sitt'n on their cottage cheeto asses...but there i was last week...locked out from FB fer 24 hrs after comment'n on some anal burps post regard'n the dasturdly and highly unpatriotic assult on the capital and his justification of it...to which i do believe i DID NOT harrass or bully...i just merely gave him a suggestion by tell’n him to take a bath with his blender...THAT'S ALL FOLKS!

though you know it's bad when TWITTER shitters attack...NO ONE IS SAFE (so i outta count my bless'ns i suppose)

click here fer part 2  click here fer pt 1

and now...episode 3 of JIM D. & ME (reprise)

That same year he was chosen as "Young Man of the Year" by the local

 Junior Chamber of Commerce and received a plaque which hangs on our living room wall. 

He was re-elected, without opposition, in 1959.

All this time I had to lift him in and out of bed.

When he became to heavy for me to handle he invested in a mechanical lift which saved my poor aching back. Later the other leg would be amputated due to poor circulation. (His feet and legs never grew like normal children.) Then we had to devise ways to make him presentable as

 he was constantly going out with his numerous friends. We obtained two legs off store manikins, put socks on them and inserted them into oxfords that were fastened to the step of the wheelchair. (Remember we were on a tight budget.) Then his trousers could be pulled on over the legs and he was set to go. He always bought nice sport coats, shirts and ties as he liked to look well.

In the fall of 1960, while still Alderman, he ran for State Representative but was defeated. He ran again for Alder-man-at-large in the spring of 1961 but was defeated. By this time he had taken to signing himself as Jim D. and that is the way he is known to most of the people around town.

We managed to buy a home and he was always buying me something. When some of his brothers married and had children he enjoyed his nieces and nephews, doing fun things with them.

The sac grew and grew and soon filled the width of the wheelchair. This made the tire of the right wheel rub on the sac and cause an open sore. I was alarmed and called my doctor. He told me to wash it with soap and warm water. I did this and it healed to our relief. After that we were forced to fill in the sides of the wheelchair with metal plates so as to avoid such a 

thing recurring. His seven year old business has grown and he now has a complete home improvement deal: windows, doors, awnings, canopies and even siding of aluminum as well as steel doors and windows. He does income taxes for others during the months that his home improvement business is slowest: January, February, March and up to April 15th.

Through all the ups and downs he has experienced he has always kept his head and remained a very friendly and witty personality. My husband had died nine years ago and since then I have depended on Jim for a lot

of advice and counsel when i had problems to solve. Jim is now thirty three years old and the sac fills the entire width and depth of the wheelchair causing him to sit at the front edge. I do not know what the future has in store for us nor do I want to know. I certainly cannot complain about the past. I think God has been very good to Jim D. and me. As anyone can plainly see, things could have been a lot worse.

tune in next week for the conclusion of JIM D. & ME pt 4 (reprise)

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

JIM D. & ME pt 2 (reprise)

she can bring home the bacon…she can fry it up in the pan…though bein'

speaker of the house for the past 110 years barely gave NANCY PELOSI any real time to enjoy the fruits of her labor…so i was elated when she got a breather over the weekend and found time to text me a pic of her latest hunt'n excursion

click here fer pt.1 of JIM D. & ME

and now...episode 2 of JIM D. & ME (reprise)

He managed to finish the eighth grade in the country and then we moved to town. We were not very well off financially so we all tried to do things to help out. My husband held a very low paying position as a maintenance 

man. My son was always innovative and he started out making little plaster of Paris dogs, painting them and selling the same. Jimmy was at home most of the time and did taxidermy work to pass the time away and to make a little money. We tied tags for the Easy Washing Machine company and my wheelchair bound son could outdo us all. 

He would tie a tag and carelessly throw it aside on the table, later on putting them in order, while i would fit the tags neatly in a pile. Needless to say his method was better.

We then stuffed envelopes for various companies. We did not realize that we could have used a sponge to moisten the flaps so at lunch time we did not savor our food too well due to the taste of the glue on our tongues. If i remember correctly, we received $6 a thousand for the tag tying and we did thousands and thousands.

Gradually boys started stopping by to talk to him on our front porch and before my husband and me knew what was happening, he was being 

taken places by these same boys. Soon after we moved to town my husband died.

Over the years we had accumulated eight boys and one girl. My son decided to go to business college getting there under his own power as the college was only a few blocks away from our home. He finished a

 course in bookkeeping and soon had a job working for a beverage concession. He became a great baseball fan. One summer he took on the concessions at the ball park and with the money he made there, plus $1500 he borrowed, he decided to go into business for himself. He was working as a bookkeeper yet but he figured he and his friend who co-signed with him could do this new business part time.

He was unusually bright and went into business with a friend selling combination windows. His friend contributed the use of his garage and the two of them made up aluminum windows and sold them. When this friend was transferred to another town, a fellow bought out his share and he and Jim kept up the business. They did well at that and he then branched out into aluminum siding. After a while the friend too left and Jim bought him out and continued to operate the business. He had to hire men to put the windows on the houses but he did the selling himself, being driven around by various fellows who had a little spare time and wanted to make a little extra money.

From there he went to a motor firm and it was while he was there he bought his first panel truck and hired a young man to drive him. He had to

stay in the wheelchair even when in the truck and he did not attempt to drive himself but it seemed he never wanted for drivers. Of course he had plenty of brothers if no one else was around. They were more than glad to drive Jim (it had come to Jim by now) and could go most any place he wanted to go.

He made several trips, one to the World's Fair in Canada. His sister and her husband went along to take care of his needs. He made friends easily and always had a bevy of young fellows willing to help him.
 
He even had run for Alderman-at-large and was elected to the Council in our fair city of 25,000 in 1957. He held that job several years.

I neglected to mention that Jim had developed a tropic ulcer on the side of his right leg and in January of 1958 the leg had to be taken off above the knee. He was laid up for a little over a month and then was back in the harness again.

tune in next week for part 3...now GET OFF MY DRESS!