my moments of Meryl...in peril

i've had many oscar winn'n Meryl moments thru-out my unintentionally

internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe career...pre and post

like that one time when i took the head of the football team at my high school back in the ancient rowman times of the 8o's (without gett'n any head i might add) to court fer meticulously and maliciously chopp'n a section of my quaff off...

it felt exactly like that time when GOLDIE attacked MERYL fer her obvious sheer beauty in "DEATH BECOMES HER" though i was bequeathed a much smaller paycheck than MERYL...recieve'n only $37.50 fer my anguishable performance outta the $2500 i thought i was rightfully owed under the law (hey...i was only 17 that was supposed to be my meal ticket outta dodge)

then there was that time in the late early 90's when i was a guinea pig

fer the government fer a boat load of cash thanx to my very dear dear pill pusher PEETRINELLA so i could sail away to China in a little rowboat just to find her but she said she had to get her laundry clean and i just ended up with a boat load of sleep'n disorders

you know...almost exactly like that time when MERYL hadda get her stomach pumped thanx to the one fuckable QUAID brother fill’n her full of QUAIDludes in "POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE"

BUTT unfortunately... 

i never got no damn visit from SHIRLEY MACLAINE!

 

of course how could anyone ferget that time in the mid summer of the 00's

when i was cohorced...chloroformed and kidnapped fer a weekend in the northern woods of MN by the Lousie to my Thelma...me and her precious pooch were lured aboard their SS mini Minnow with cheap bottom shelf swill by her and her dasturdly henchman to drift down the caspian sea...i think (i don't really know cuz the chloroform had me a bit fuzzy of the details and my whereabouts all weekend) 

until her pooch found a moment when our captors weren't pay'n attention as i distracted them with an irish jig so the pooch could fly over board like a moth on meth...swim down stream and scribble indegenous sign language on a rock fer my plan of escape

to a tee what MERYL hadda almost endure in the bone chill'n camp'n adventure "THE RIVER WILD" 

starr'n that golden globe'n hot to trot slice of sizzle'n BACON and that one annoy'n pre-teen pustule in the lalapalooza cap

now i want you to open yer eyes and visualize...i mean come on now...

like yer life is that unbearably excite'n at this mere moment in time (get real...yer here read’n about ME aren't ya?) besides you made it this far...you might as well finish read'n this ghastly gibberish unless of course you have some pumped up thong in spectacles that reads to you s-l-o-w-l-y every nite...now picture it...

it's 2021 last week and there i was as octo-auntie with one tentacle wrapped around my newly born great niece VIOLETTE MOON (awww how presh!) while bounce'n her on my lap...with another tentacle rigorously research'n fer my next hard hitt'n maestro piece blog all while shovel'n the savory mexican slop prepared by my lovely relation...only to find out 3 days later that said lovely relation had tested positive fer the COVID...most likely caught from her recent trip to VEGAS (the windy city of brotherly love that never sleeps)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

of course i was absofuckinglutely flabbergasted by this revelation since i was around them 3 times since they returned so i knew i unfortunately would have to get tested and my mind immediately imagined myself in MERYL's peril with her rivet'n portrayal of the true life story about nuclear whistleblower Karen Silkwood in "SILKWOOD" you know the scene i’m referr'n to kittens...where Karen sets off the radiation alarms due to her exposure after clean'n up her work space from a mini bday soirée

and i just felt it in my bones that i would be accosted by some anal probe-happy floor monitor with tourettes use'n a gigantic non hypo-allergenic industrial strength brillo pad to scrub me down like a Qanon's Facebook page all while douche'n me out with very chilled himalayan water like a common concubine as they jam an elongated cotton swab up my sniffer 

luckily fer me...i just hadda spit...not swallow (which you should ALWAYS do with heavy meat eaters...i’m just say’n...ever try gett’n that horrid after taste of clorox bleach...old man stew and brisket off yer breath?)

thankfully my results came back in my favor and here's a lil side note...ain't it funny have'n a negative attitude won't give you a positive outlook on life...

but after test'n negative that's actually a positive thing in life so chew on that and puhleez wear the damn mask and one last thing...though i may never get as many Oscar nods as MERYL has...at least i’m COVID FREE!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

STAMP OF APPROVAL!

well...now that we live in a free fall'n paint by the numbers extermination

nation...where only the strongest of us will apparently be aloud to survive amongst the happy lil trees...i implore you PUHLEEZ...

can someone text CHER... 

call RUTH BADER GINSBURG...

and make a house call from an acceptable social distance of course...with BETTY WHITE...on the hour...every hour...to make sure they're still with us...keep in mind though...they eventually will most likely hire some hot hitman to cap yer ass fer the mere incessant annoyance of it all...

BUTT...just so you know...it'll come from a place i love

i myself am even too afraid to talk to myself anymore fer the simple fact

that i can't handle the way i've been treat'n myself lately...all that dirty back talk and beat'n myself off like a prisoner in solitary confinement...then when i decided to call the suicide hotline just to spice it up a bit...(fer role play'n purposes only of course) plead'n with them that i no longer can handle bein' locked inside of my 2 room shit box...stuff'n every one of my starve'n orifices with endless pans of tuna casseroles smothered in weight gain powder until i look as bloated as a fuck'n Macy's day parade balloon...

well...cuz i wanna be a contestant on a season of MY 600 POUND LIFE fer no other reason than to make my E true hollyweird story seem plausible...unfortunately i would always end up bein' put on hold fer some reason

so i decided to give up that fantasy...fer now...and swap out my last 4

boxes of magically delicious samoas...fer some black market Rice-O-Roni from this random guy i met in the park the other day...who told me to meet him up in some back alley downtown fer the hand off since it's no longer on any shelf in the tri-state area...the code word would be "CHEDDAR" he exclaimed just so he would know it was me...so i apologize in advance...but i simply won't have any time to tell ya any sorta sordid twisted words of wisdom this week kittens

instead...i stumbled across THEE best bitch slap served by everyone's 

fav-o-rit bad boy from the CRUE on a hot FUCK U platter by the one and only TOMMY FUCK ME LEE (well...as long as he bathes and has his rabbi shots...i still remember all those unfortunate Pamela Anderson incidents and those red door clinic visits) so i decided to take the week off...since no one else is work'n (plus...i ain't gett'n paid shit to be yer personal psychologist) so enjoy!

Dear Fucking Lunatic,

At your recent press conference - more a word salad that had a stroke and fell down stairs, you were CLEARLY so out of your depth you needed scuba gear. Within minutes of going off air your minions were backpedaling faster than Cirque De Soliel acrobats...In India a week ago, i couldn’t get past the bit about your being the most popular visitor in the history of fucking india — a country of a BILLION human souls that’s only 3000 years old, give or take.!!! Trust me - Gandhi pulled CROWDS.. You pulled a cricket stadium and half WALKED out...

Do you know how fucking insane you sound, you off-brand butt plug? That's like the geopolitical equivalent of “that stripper really likes me” — only 10,000 times crazier and less self aware. You are fucking exhausting. Every day is a natural experiment in determining how long 300 million people can resist coring out their own assholes with an ice auger. Every time I hear a snippet of your Queens-tinged banshee larynx farts, I want to scream!

We are fucking tired. As bad as we all thought your presidency would be when Putin got you elected, it’s been inestimably worse.

You called a hostile, nuclear-armed head of state “short and fat.” How the fuck does that help?

You accused a woman — a former friend, no less — of showing up at your resort bleeding from the face and begging to get in. You, you, YOU — the guy who looks like a Christmas haggis inexplicably brought to life by Frosty’s magic hat — yes, you of all people said that.

You attempted — with evident fucking glee — to get 24 million people thrown off their health insurance.

You gave billions away to corporations and the already wealthy while simultaneously telling struggling poor people that you were doing exactly the opposite.

You endorsed a pedophile, praised brutal dictators, and defended LITERAL FUCKING NAZIS!

Ninety-nine percent of everything you say is either false, crazy, incoherent, just plain cruel, or a rancid paella of all four.

Oh, by the way, Puerto Rico is still FUBAR. You got yourself and your family billions in tax breaks for Christmas. What do they get? More paper towels?

Enough, enough, enough, enough! For the love of God and all that is holy, good, and pure, would you please, finally and forever, shut your feculent KFC-hole until you have something valuable — or even marginally civil — to say?

You are a fried dick sandwich with a side of schlongs. If chlamydia and gonorrhea had a son, you’d appoint him HHS secretary. You are a disgraceful, pustulant hot stew full of casuistry, godawful ideas, unintelligible non sequiturs, and malignant rage.

You are the perfect circus orangutan diaper from Plato’s World of Forms.

So fuck you Mr. President. And fuck you forever.

Oh, and Pence, you oleaginous house ferret. Fuck you, too. You'll be as useful as a chocolate teapot against a medical crisis you Bible thumping cock socket."

and there ya have it kittens...so until next time on GET OFF MY DRESS

GET OFF MY DRESS!