TELEPHONE pt. 1

with the cool'n of the atmosphere and the leaves fall'n faster than most

of my morals these days...it's that time of the year once again to pull out those flannel culottes...dust off that heavy duty duvet and clean yer damn cum stained curtains kitten...i mean come on (me) the neighbors are start'n to notice...show some fuck'n decorum!

i'd love to marinate in what you've been up to all year so far with a hot 

cuppa spiced spider cider and a plate full of who really gives a shit cookies that know ones eat'n accepted yer dwindle'n social media fan base...however...i've been far too busy to acknowledge anyone's existence fer the past month and a half as i have been dipp'n my delicate lil piggies that went to the market back in front of my dimly lit spotlight fer the emotionless picture academy

of course you must know by now that this ain't my first time into the foray 

of film cuz as you'll recall i made my feature debut in 1998 as the mute club kid with the aqua blue hair in the cinematic catastrophe called "HOMO HEIGHTS" 

starr'n beloved...though since deceased...colostomy bagger QUENTIN CRISP and pre OITNB deliciously funny bull dyke LEA DELARIA and from that role i sprang a leak into some bands video in 1999 that i never knew who they were to this very day though i did get paid $50 to keep my clothes on fer a change (so that was nice)

of course there was that "blue" movie in 1991 to offset that cost of my rent 10 years later

BUTT that's it!

nonetheless with the most hallowed of seasons upon us the industries all 

abuzz with the latest homage to all those cheezy whizzed 80's B chiller thrillers from the yester years such as classics like  "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME" "SLEEPAWAY CAMP" and "CHOPPING MALL" among many many other eyesore productions

fuck keep'n up with the kankersoredashians...try keep'n up with the very

latest installment in this tittilate'n traumatized tale of terror…the cinematic eyesore  "TELEPHONE"

now this top secret script had never been circulate'n around hollyweird fer 

any amount of time to any of the lead'n directors like SPIELBERG...SCORSESE or BURTON...well cuz that restrain'n order was still in effect ever since i thumbed that ride in 2013 to hollyweird and was picked up... 

by hot to trot actor of the "THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS" franchise PAUL WALKER one breezy wednesday afternoon along the 101 and made him drop me off at the dollar general to get some prophylactic's in Valencia and after that it's anyone's guess what happened

the script would finally and meticulously be extracted outta the circular  

 trash bins behind the piggly wiggly in the Minne-Apple by the magical mastermind responsible fer such oscar meyer wiener winner classics like 2010's "MOMMIE QUEEREST" where the lead actress KRYSTAL KLEER would suffer from a brilliant case of pink eye durin' film'n with subtle dark facial syndrome (where only a vat of petroleum jelly smothered on the lens could make it even socially viewable) along with itchy unmentionable's (who won't be mentioned) yet she managed to pull off an award whine'n performance as the down and out catastrophic CHRISTINA CRAWFISH

followed up 2 years later in 2012 with the hard hitt'n often brutally pathetic documentary "KRYSTAL KLEER: BEHIND THE BEAUTY" 

brought to you by brilliantly talented director of the Minne-Apple’s WONDER ROOM productions...TONY LARSON who had a premonition and wanted to utilize the best in the biz to bring this mashed potato masterpiece to fruition

though industry insiders spilled the beans on the many very high profile

actresses that had auditioned fer the coveted lead role as the anti age'n low class harlet in high heels "KRYSTAL" thru-out the covid summer of 2020 include'n Oscar winn'n A-listeriners like MERYL...JULIANNE and GLENN

(A-L-L-E-G-E-D-L-Y that i heard thru a 3rd party)

who apparently thinks LINDA LAVIN gave them up fer adoption when she landed the title role as ALICE HYATT in the hit 70's sitcom "ALICE" (however i cannot confirm nor deny these allegations at this present time via my lawyer's instructions)

even south of the border hot tamale chica MARIA ROSARIO PILLAR MARTINEZ MOLINA BAEZA (otherwise known simply as CHARO) came to the audition with her gucci pucci knee pads in her Prada purse like a true professional but she refused to get vaxxed so she got axed!

ultimately the risky role would go to thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe KRYSTAL KLEER

 i mean...when you think about it...the lead character is named completely after me and is loosely based on my delusional mind anyways so how apropos is that? though the director reiterated explicitly and unfortunately emphatically that there would be no need fer the cast'n couch interview nor would there ever be one warranted in any way shape or form durin' the production of this epic psychological chiller thriller (great...i bought all those unused anti biotic syringes from that shady salesman in the park fer nothing) such is life!

tune in next week fer behind the scenes & an exclusive sit down interview 

with the one and only KRYSTAL KLEER...now GET OFF MY DRESS!

my moments of Meryl...in peril

i've had many oscar winn'n Meryl moments thru-out my unintentionally

internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe career...pre and post

like that one time when i took the head of the football team at my high school back in the ancient rowman times of the 8o's (without gett'n any head i might add) to court fer meticulously and maliciously chopp'n a section of my quaff off...

it felt exactly like that time when GOLDIE attacked MERYL fer her obvious sheer beauty in "DEATH BECOMES HER" though i was bequeathed a much smaller paycheck than MERYL...recieve'n only $37.50 fer my anguishable performance outta the $2500 i thought i was rightfully owed under the law (hey...i was only 17 that was supposed to be my meal ticket outta dodge)

then there was that time in the late early 90's when i was a guinea pig

fer the government fer a boat load of cash thanx to my very dear dear pill pusher PEETRINELLA so i could sail away to China in a little rowboat just to find her but she said she had to get her laundry clean and i just ended up with a boat load of sleep'n disorders

you know...almost exactly like that time when MERYL hadda get her stomach pumped thanx to the one fuckable QUAID brother fill’n her full of QUAIDludes in "POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE"

BUTT unfortunately... 

i never got no damn visit from SHIRLEY MACLAINE!

 

of course how could anyone ferget that time in the mid summer of the 00's

when i was cohorced...chloroformed and kidnapped fer a weekend in the northern woods of MN by the Lousie to my Thelma...me and her precious pooch were lured aboard their SS mini Minnow with cheap bottom shelf swill by her and her dasturdly henchman to drift down the caspian sea...i think (i don't really know cuz the chloroform had me a bit fuzzy of the details and my whereabouts all weekend) 

until her pooch found a moment when our captors weren't pay'n attention as i distracted them with an irish jig so the pooch could fly over board like a moth on meth...swim down stream and scribble indegenous sign language on a rock fer my plan of escape

to a tee what MERYL hadda almost endure in the bone chill'n camp'n adventure "THE RIVER WILD" 

starr'n that golden globe'n hot to trot slice of sizzle'n BACON and that one annoy'n pre-teen pustule in the lalapalooza cap

now i want you to open yer eyes and visualize...i mean come on now...

like yer life is that unbearably excite'n at this mere moment in time (get real...yer here read’n about ME aren't ya?) besides you made it this far...you might as well finish read'n this ghastly gibberish unless of course you have some pumped up thong in spectacles that reads to you s-l-o-w-l-y every nite...now picture it...

it's 2021 last week and there i was as octo-auntie with one tentacle wrapped around my newly born great niece VIOLETTE MOON (awww how presh!) while bounce'n her on my lap...with another tentacle rigorously research'n fer my next hard hitt'n maestro piece blog all while shovel'n the savory mexican slop prepared by my lovely relation...only to find out 3 days later that said lovely relation had tested positive fer the COVID...most likely caught from her recent trip to VEGAS (the windy city of brotherly love that never sleeps)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

of course i was absofuckinglutely flabbergasted by this revelation since i was around them 3 times since they returned so i knew i unfortunately would have to get tested and my mind immediately imagined myself in MERYL's peril with her rivet'n portrayal of the true life story about nuclear whistleblower Karen Silkwood in "SILKWOOD" you know the scene i’m referr'n to kittens...where Karen sets off the radiation alarms due to her exposure after clean'n up her work space from a mini bday soirée

and i just felt it in my bones that i would be accosted by some anal probe-happy floor monitor with tourettes use'n a gigantic non hypo-allergenic industrial strength brillo pad to scrub me down like a Qanon's Facebook page all while douche'n me out with very chilled himalayan water like a common concubine as they jam an elongated cotton swab up my sniffer 

luckily fer me...i just hadda spit...not swallow (which you should ALWAYS do with heavy meat eaters...i’m just say’n...ever try gett’n that horrid after taste of clorox bleach...old man stew and brisket off yer breath?)

thankfully my results came back in my favor and here's a lil side note...ain't it funny have'n a negative attitude won't give you a positive outlook on life...

but after test'n negative that's actually a positive thing in life so chew on that and puhleez wear the damn mask and one last thing...though i may never get as many Oscar nods as MERYL has...at least i’m COVID FREE!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

TOXIC TENDENCIES pt 2

it's rare i get moved by anyone new in the music industry these days...but

i stumbled across the cool smooth style'ns from this stunn'n corn whack'n bedroom eyed babe from fairfield iowa...ELI LIEB (though turns out i guess he's been around fer the past 10 years...thanx WIKIPEDIA) in any case...fer those unaware of his pipes...check out his love song fer those young tulip sniffers with the hope of somethin' real happen'n in "YOUNG LOVE"

and his stripped down haunt’n cover of MILEY CYRUS's "WRECKING BALL" gave me the chills...get the rest of his music here

this week's explosive episode is brought to you by the maker's of  LYSOL

when ya wanna eliminate that ugly taste that's been fester'n in the back of yer mouth fer years...or just gift a can and give it to yer fav-o-rit brain dead lobotomized anal wart republicunt in yer life...WH approved!

get a ticket to the catch up train here with pt 1 of TOXIC TENDENCIES...

and now the excrutiate'n conclusion to TOXIC TENDENCIES pt 2

well...i knew at this point...even though i had deleted my comment from 

his blister'n visceral slash'ns towards me that morn'n...and resent it to thee actual intended party...the damage had already been done 

though to be honest...it needed to be said to him once and fer all cuz he was gett'n too close to Norman Bates territory...OVER A PIC!

i knew he would have SOMETHIN' to say about said text and i was not wrong...though lemme clarify my rebuttal a bit more than i did that day

cuz i was in no mood to keep this convo goin any longer...this was the 1st time i had ever screen shot ANY of his convo's with me (it was just easier than retype'n the train wreck texted out to thee intended recipient) cuz everything in his text was gett'n sooo diabolically insane and quite obviously jell-o on his part and completely destructive to the aura colors that i had planned & personally picked out on this particular day to wear...and like any true vanity case...he wanted to get in one last barbie

he would go off on me like a paranoid parrot past their prime steak n cake days...much like a halitosed hooker would to their pimp fer not remember'n their bday bonus...and this...unfortunately...would be the final nail in the coffin fer our mutual 25 year friendship!

now i don't even know where to begin with this?...but i'll break it down fer ya anyways!

OK 1st off...i am ONLY 49.5 years old...he should be well aware of this as a simple google search and a basic fact...since he is just a mere 9 yrs

my senior (it's a well documented fact with all who worked with us years ago when i personally organized & threw him his 40th surprise bday party @ my apt) so i fer one am look'n forward to celebrate my 50th life on this earth later this fall (since my dad...my 2nd youngest brother and my oldest brother unfortunately did not get to have the same privilege as myself)

at the follow up to my smash hit play "GET OFF MY DRESS...love is a drag!" (that this very blog was spawned from 10 years ago) that i am feverishly putt'n together fer the follow-up later this year...simply entitled "GET OFF MY DRESS...love is STILL a drag!" and hope to showcase it on labor day weekend...depend'n on all this COVID crap of course 

(that he may or may not be inadvertently a part of now)

2nd...as far as the not hold'n a job...ummm i've been in bank'n fer 20 yrs

since i was 30 (do the math) and was recently laid off 3 weeks prior to all this COVID bullshit (along with 5 other tempers) cuz the company decided to downsize our department...it's not unheard of...it's just an annoy'n part of life!

though i do recall years back when i left my management position @ the same gym we were both mgrs at...to pursue my entertainment career...

that i subsequently ended abruptly (a whole nother story that will see the light some day) unfortunately though when i reapplied fer my same position back...a lil birdy in his 70's called me personally at home one nite to inform me you told management not to hire me back...hmmmm...wonder why that was? 

(it turned out ok kittens...the corporate office took me back instead...pay'n me more benjie's than what i was previously make'n anyways)

3rd...use'n people fer money? yea it's called employment...i do the work...

i expect to get paid by the people that are use'n me to fulfill their bosses bottom line...just like...oh let's say fer instance...a bartender who expects to get tips when serve'n drinks to demand'n patrons or hookers negotiate'n fer a lil extra ching ching if they happen to snag a bank account that wants them fer the entire week!

4th...as far as the cocktails and food yer referr'n to...i can only assume

you mean the many times that you have give'n a kings ransom fer the many cocktails and food you've purchased fer me & yerself over the past 25 years when we've gone out together (without a gun pointed at yer thick skull i might add) though my contributions over the years may have been a bit more on the lower end cuz of my pay scale...i didn't know this was a piss'n contest all of a sudden...hmmm...

i guess it's slipped yer feeble little mind that i was yer own personal UBER

driver without ask'n fer a single dime in petrol when we went out on our many alcoholic excursions over the years...or when you needed a ride to work...or from work fer that matter...or run errands...or take'n you to visit yer dad outta town after yer mother had unfortunately passed away!

HOWEVER...invoke'n my dearly departed aunt Ellen who i absolutely

loved with all my heart...and took care of her fer the last 2 years of her life basically (due to unresolved family issues i will not discuss)  before her unfortunate & untimely tragic pass'n...

shows yer utter lack of empathy & that there is no depth to yer depravity...cuz you knew it had absolutely NOTHING to do with her finances! 

though the same could not be said about you gloat'n fer years to me about yer parents finances and the millions they had that you would inherit some

day...even more so after they both passed...did you brag to yer other friends over the years about their financial status to them? or was it just yer twisted way to make yerself feel better by degrade'n my own less than stellar upbring'n? either case...at this fork in the road...this is the final straw the broke this camels back!

since i don't even follow said stalker on ANY social media sites...

except fer maybe gopluckyerself dot com...though i really haven't logged into that site fer years if i'm bein' perfectly honest here...so i'd have no clue how to log back in anyways so he needn't worry

you wanna think it bothers me that you can't even spell my birth name 

and that i had legally changed mine 25 years ago...well here's the thing callous kitten...i...like many others in this biz called show...change their name legally ALL THE TIME...fer example: 

did you know WILLIAM MICHAEL ALBERT BROAD changed his name?

as did the queen of rock'n'roll Miss ANNA MAE BULLOCK...did'ya huh?...did'ya?

or that CHERILYN SARKISIAN had thee unmitigated gall to be referred to as only one name with no last? most likely due to the fact she didn't wanna get carpet tunnel from sign'n autographs on all those 8-track tapes

and that GEORGE ALAN O'DOWD thought it'd be way super cool to add just a prefix to his name and drop the rest...a total rebel huh?

though singers ain't the only ones try'n to hide from their give'n names...

were you aware that 3 time Oscar award winner was originally referred to by her nana as MARY LOUISE STREEP?

and that NORMA JEANE MORTENSON did not actually pose fer the 1st cover of PLAYBOY like most people thought...huh?

but even though ERMES EFFRON BORGNINO has a line of beauty cream...you might wanna consider not marinate'n it...just say'n!

you can think i’m just poor white trash & all cuz of my up bring’n...but trust me...that’s completely fine with me!

in close'n...thanx fer the 25 years at the very least...but like any bubble...

it will eventually pop...and this one has...

so GET OFF MY DRESS!