THE WEB WE WEAVE pt. 2

i swear to CHER everything happens in 3's...from say'n auf wiedersehen

to Hollywood icons like tv legend BETTY WHITE to the 1st non white actor to receive an academy award by the brilliant SIDNEY POITER... 

to that highly saccharinated tv dad with that congealed  and more often than not painfully mundane humor to those identical Fiona Apple floor mopped herpes and host of that vommitous family show where the tin foil capped audience would vote on who had the most amount of the frontal lobe of their brain removed fer a meager cash prize of shower'n redundant embarrassment onto their family name fer eternity...Bob somethin'

hey…let’s just be real here…celebs are cheezy as hell...i outta know… 

i am thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all though some may taste like a rich savory smoked gouda that you wanna devour with yer friends over a lightly salted wheat triscuit and a bottomless glass of fruity aged wine while others just taste like tired and true government cheese…bland and borin' (sorry…though i did not nor would not put out a warrant fer his wake…i never understood his C-E-L-E-B schtick appeal that’s it…so write yer own obligatory obitchuary and eat me!)

who can ferget that famous 3way that lived together in mortal sin when those 2 maxi pads and that 1 teeter totter Tripper moved into that 2 bedroom apt along Santa Monica boulevard in the 70's

and of course when that fuzzy blot clot teaches all the lil kittens the alphabet...he only gives priority seat'n to the 1st 3 letters and completely ignore'n the other 23 letters as if they're some sorta non denominational non binary back of the bus venereal disease

in case yer just tune'n in kittens...get a ticket to the catch-up train fer pt.1

so as i pulled up to the local gas station in the wee hours of the nite to 

grab a gallon of milk fer the neurosis that lived beneath me (i made an executive decision to add a raspberry clearly canadian fer myself at her expense) it dawned on me as i looked into  the rear view mirror...OH SHIT! my mint julip mask was crack'n like death valley nonetheless 

i had made it this far and not a cop to be seen since i was without the proper identification to drive and notice'n only one person at the pump outside i figered i could go unnoticeable since it was pitch black out with just the neon light'n as my backdrop that no one would really pay much attention to my presence so i scurried inside as quick as possible as not to cause attention to myself

turns out that i didn't factor in the blind'n florescent light'n inside the store

which was lit up like a corporate christmas tree and with only 2 workers work'n the register that even'n...as much as i would probably end up the topic of discussion at the next share holders meet'n...i'm sure i looked like some deranged prize from the bottom of a cracker jax box as i rummaged thru the coolers though i learned years ago to block out unwarranted stares from piddly peasants and made it back to my palace without disrupt'n the gravitational pull that even'n

by daybreak of day 2...i was back on my milk crate after chisel'n off my  

of mud mask in the shower that always left my face as red as a baboons ass fer at least an hour afterwards (though just as smooth) and with my ice cream bucket of kaboom (since i had no bowls at the time) in hand i settled down next to the window check'n in on Charlotte's progress as i prepared myself fer another installment of self infliction to my follicles and just like day one...it would be a full work day practically to remove the left hemisphere of foliage from my face

we laughed about the in's and out's of our similar situations that we both

were in as she sat upon her throne push'n my arachnophobic buttons begg'n me to turn up the volume on the tv as i questioned her about her odd relationship with that queer piglet and if she still kept in contact with him (she of course denied it was was even her in that movie) then it dawned on me...it was either my kaleidoscopic imagination or my swollen pores but i was goin outta my mind carry'n on with a spider and i didn't even know if she spoke plain english

hey i hadda pepper the story up a bit...i figered i was loose'n you after day 2 (besides it'll look good in my docudramedy not cumm'n to a spatchat near you anytime this week anyways)

roughly 7 hours later i had finally finished my days work as Charlotte

had continued on protect'n her prized possession that i gave her

day 3 day began just like the other 2 with only the shag carpet on my neck

left to remove and luckily there wasn't much there to begin with so i waited a few hours...cleaned up around the apt and finished up the week with Katherine and Jill end'n up in some sorta "when old broads attack" cliffhanger episode

a few hours later as i started in on my neck...i glanced down at Charlotte 

who seemed to have completely consumed her thanksgive'n feast and i thought to myself there's gotta be more to life than just pluck'n my face and and have'n some delightful arachnid as my closest confidant at the time...i had contemplated what to do with my life with each pluck and know'n i was only a couple miles from the local vo-tech...i figered i might as well perfect my craft in the beauty world and check into beauty school...

since i thought eventually i would  be doin hair and make-up on MADONNA and or BOY GEORGE once i got outta this sad fersaken town

3 hours later my mug was finally free from follicle city and i couldn't have 

been more pleased with my accomplishment...i was once again ready to face the world though i swore i would never inflict that much pain onto myself or anyone else fer that matter ever again however i decided since Charlotte had enjoyed a feast befitt'n of a queen this would also be her last supper on this earth...

cuz my fear of her possibly hulk'n out on me in the middle of the nite as i watched some late nite CBS movie on my borrowed black and white 19 inch magnavox was more greater than i could possibly handle outside of the simple fact that i no longer was in need of any sorta 8 eyed 8 legged confidential confidant... 

so i decided to clean house pronto!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

THE WEB WE WEAVE pt.1

most gen X-er's barely remember huddle'n around the family console on a

thursday nite after Baretta burn'n their fingertips peel'n back the toxic tin foil on their swanson tv dinner that consisted usually of a slab of turkey drown'n in a not-so gravy like sediment saturated in the beyond recommend daily balance of sodium chloride intake...tastelessly nutritious bean cutlets....half frozen mashed potatoes and a dollop of pipe'n hot cherry sludge 

then wash'n it down with their fav-or-o-rit chemically enhanced 10% fruit flavored carbonated swill

while totally turn'n into a complete puddle on the burnt orangey brown shag carpet after learn'n about some adorably soft spoken arachnoid's demise played by the late DEBBIE REYNOLDS at the end of "CHARLOTTE'S WEB"

now listen...i have always have been deathly petrified of anything that has 

more than 4 legs (well…unless they’re neg…dd free…vaxxed and not into S&M w/M&M’s…BB w/butter or any sorta combo of fruit flavored spermicidal jams and jellies…i ain’t made outta yeast after all however i know how to “rise” to the occasion properly and can make you pop when prompted)  hmmm…now where was i? oh yea…

thanx in part to bein psychologically scarred as the pre-unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe forced into a musty dungeony like cellar with the light bulb purposely removed as a form of "punishment" on more than enough occasions than i care to relive when i lived a home…i completely felt like Starling search'n fer the light as an army of arachnids practically the size of himalayan rhinoceroses' tried attack'n me from all sides (hey...i was a very imaginative teenrager after all)

BUTT...h-o-w-e-v-e-r 

flashforward to the summer of  '89 and i was now on my very own...in my 

very own shitbox (i mean my very own quaint lil shitbox) i could finally call my very own with no one around to tell me what to do on the 2nd floor of my bff at the time grama's house in Homer, MN where the only thing that adorned my walls was a simple yet stunn'n "A CERTAIN SACRIFICE" movie poster i found at the local FACE THE MUSIC record store that starred my fav-o-rit blonde ambition that she starred in back in '79 before she hit the big time (that i can freely admit...the poster was the only thing good about that movie)

i loathed any sorta facial or body hair except fer the ever color change'n 

mop that grew outta my noggin (i had reluctantly removed my eyebrow hair as well and repainted on new serial killer brows at a much high altitude that were so sharp they could practically take an eye out)

i had used any sorta depilatories and waxes up to and include'n duct tape

that was humanly possible just to rid my mug of any and all facial follicles so my war paint would be much more spreadable like parkay until i had moved into my new place turn'n my limited funds now limited to rent only so i needed to devise another plan of attack

merely a week had gone by and i practically looked like some sorta benign

non essential castaway from Gilligan's Island that no one would ever notice and therefore i could no longer bare to cope with my scruffiness plus it didn't help the fact that i was carless...bikeless...baseless...phoneless and penniless except the allocated rent and the $150 in food stamps that i recently acquired via the state of MN welfare system at the time and unless a friend gave me a lift to the grocery store (which i will be ever thankful that many did) 

the closest means of food was the kwik trip that was roughly 3 and 1/2 miles away that i would have to huff and puff it on occasion if i wanted a bean burrito with somethin' to wash it down with

and i was not about to show my face without my burka on...which...incidentally was bein held at the cleaners fer a small but important ransom 

one hot summer afternoon as i was look'n out the front window of my 

paltry palace try'na figer out what i was gonna do fer the day...i noticed a spider practically the size of a Willmar water buffalo...spinn'n her web in the lower corner of my window sill and instead of have'n an absolute mental breakdown as i normally would...i became totally transfixed on the intricacies of her artwork and her dedication that I had decided enough was enough so i flipped over a milk crate next to the window...

grabbed my half emptied maybelline new york shine free oil controlled pressed powder compact and tweezers from the bathroom to pluck each and every hair off my face and neck one by one cuz i figered if she (we'll just call her Charlotte fer obvious reasons) can map out a maze wait'n aimlessly fer her dinner...i had all the time in the world to remove my follicles...besides i had already plucked my own eyebrows fer the last 5 years...what's the diff? my face just looked like an elephants eyebrow had exploded all over it  and i was not too damn happy with the current situation happen'n all over my mug!

i had mapped out my plan of attack by splitt'n my face and neck into 3 

sections...the left hemisphere of my mug and the right hemisphere of my mug then the lower hemisphere (which was my neck) and began to pluck away...one by one...notice'n Charlotte sit patiently outta the corner of my eye i figered at the very least i could do was to help her out with her dinner plans since she was probably as hungry as i was 

so i set my hands to stun and after a few tries i had cupped...crippled and captured an annoy'n fat ass musca-domestica...toss'n it onto her web then started to pluck away

i had never actually seen the maliciousness and meticulous way Charlotte 

and her ancestors dealt with feast or famine before although after i had tossed the crippled bug onto her delicately ornate dinner table she had spun it made Charlotte react like Carrie deal'n with her neurotically religious mother by attack'n the defenseless fly like nobody's biz

pluck after pluck it felt like my face was on fire though i knew i had no

other options left so after remove'n roughly 20 or 30 follicles i had built up enough tolerance and became quite numb to the pain

periodically i would peer down to see how Charlotte was doin with her 

new found feast and to my amazement she had already had it wrapped up tight like a christmas gift after a few hours of pluckage...inbetweeen every other hour or so i would take breaks to stretch my back and watch my stories ("YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS" Mrs. Chancellor was like my heroin...tough as nails who didn't take shit from anyone)

roughly 5 1/2 hours later i had finally and completely removed the right 

hemisphere of foliage from my face and it felt as smooth as an alabastered ass from the ozarks though by now my back had felt like a worn out murphy's bed pulled up and down like a taffy pull so i figered it was time to hit the hay so i bid ado to Charlotte and began my weekly ritual by lay'n down a couple of cool cucumber slices on my eyes and slapp'n on the ol' trusted St. Ives mint julip mud mask to help cool down the irritation and tighten my poor plucked pores

in the middle of the nite i would be awoken by a knock on my bedroom

door by the nice neurotic neighbor downstairs who needed milk fer her puke bucket but she couldn't be bothered to drive herself to kwik trip so i told her to flip on the lite so i could collect my senses

"WHAT THE FUCK IS ON YER FACE?" she said stunned look'n down at

me lay'n on the floor like a dead hooker under my bed sheet that did not consist of an actual bed at this point....i explained to her that this was my weekly ritual and i don't remove it til morn'n when i would have to chisel it off in the shower with a putty knife practically plus it also made my face look more uniformed since 2 thirds of it was still covered in hair...i told her gimme 2 minutes to throw on my combat boots and get the soup cans outta my hair and i'd be good to go

"are you fuck'n kidd'n me? yer not goin to the store like that are you?" 

she said with a bewildered tone in her voice completely amused i hadn't removed my smurf pajama's before lace'n up my boots (kittens...don't judge me!) "gimme the damn keys i don't give a fuck what people say" i thought to myself i bet Mrs. Chancellor would've said and done the exact same thing if the writers were brilliant enough to write this scene into the script when she was still around

even though i was still a bit of a scaredy cat in the middle of the nite when it comes to lonely isolated dirt roads thanx in part to bein removed along 

with half of my sibs from our moderately priced green station wagon on the farm back in the late 70's when Joan would drive far ahead as we bickered and watched the red rear lights fade into the dark of the nite and imagine'n a Mr. Voorhees like figure would pop out from behind the bushes at any give'n moment...

i sucked it up...buckled my belt and scurried off into the dead of the nite drive’n illegally cautious since i won’t be with license fer another 10 years to get a gallon of moomoo juice fer the bawl'n puke bucket in full combat boots...smurf pj's and my St Ives mint julip mask temporarily plastered to my face

there ya have it...tune in next week fer pt.2 of "THE WEB WE WEAVE"

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

WHITE NOISE

picture it kittens....it's 1985 and a grown ass twink in a sharp grey suit 

topped off with a cherry red bow tie choke'n his windpipe was on a mission from hell to track down his stolen 1940's cherry red schwinn which was break'n the bank at the box office and justify'n overgrown twinks place in society…

a brassy red headed up and come'n go getter was covered up and covered in sweat like a banshee from Belize gett'n "into the groove" perform'n fer the largest musical charity event ever fer famine relief in Africa at LIVE AID in Philadelphia…

fill'n yer trans-am only costs $1.09 a gallon on average…

and i was live’n at my grama's castle glued to her new thursday nite ritual on NBC with a bowl of Orville Redenbacher lightly salted

based around 4 jovial geritol junkies that would move in together durin' their "DEPENDS"able years in Miami

the character i resonated with the most was ROSE NYLUND...the high spirited bubble headed space cadet with her razor sharp zingers who had a flare fer ganukaflugen and nonsensical ramblin' stories of her days in St Olaf MN played by the hysterically charm'n senior sensation BETTY WHITE

however BETTY would make her big break in showbiz as the perky pesky

happy homemaker that gave advice on everything from dinner parties to dress make'n 12 years earlier in 1973 on the hit Minneapolis comedy “THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW” with her good friend MARY TYLER MOORE...

as SUE ANN NIVENS

in 1983 BETTY starred in the off beat family dramedy "MAMA'S FAMILY" 

which was a spin-off series based on the skit from "THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW" starr'n VICKI LAWRENCE as MAMA

and BETTY as the pretentious self centered eldest of MAMA's 3 children ELLEN HARPER

born january 17th 1922 in Oaks Park Il...BETTY MARION WHITE was an 

only child born fer the biz of show...start'n out as a guest spot on a radio program at the age of 8 in 1930 called "EMPIRE BUILDERS" until she was give'n her own radio show simply called "THE BETTY WHITE SHOW" in the late 1940's…who was a trailblazer before the civil rights movement by refuse’n to remove a black dancer from her show in a very segregated country at the time

when BETTY wasn't speak'n on a hit radio show or starr'n on a hit tv show

you could catch BETTY use'n her noggin and throw'n out her witty banter on the tv game show circuit from "PASSWORD" in 1961 hosted by her 3rd and final love of her life ALLEN LUNDEN 

"THE MATCH GAME" thru-out the 70's

and "PASSWORD PLUS" in the 80's among many other countless appearances on may other game shows thru out her illustrious career

BUTT...that ain't all!

when BETTY wasn't make'n hit tv comedies or apprear'n on game shows

she worked tirelessly devote'n many 1,000 of numerous charitable hours to animal and LGBTXYZPDQ+ rights thru-out the span of her career

just when you were ready to wonder what ever happed to BETTY WHITE?

BETTY would reappear in yet another hit comedy at the tender age of 88 on the smash hit series "HOT IN CLEVELAND" which was the 1st original series on the TVLAND network and the highest rated series in the history of the channel...

starr'n as the polish caretake'n wise-crack'n judgmental judy ELKA OSTROVSKY in her many colorful velour track suits that ran fer 6 glorious seasons

a year later BETTY would even dip her toes in the music video world 

saturated along side a slue of steroids by starr'n as the grandest of rappers with Luciana in their steamy 2011 tittilate'n duet "I'M STILL HOT"

after tackle'n her first superbowl commercial fer snickers candy in 2010

with an online petition on BETTY's behalf plead'n with Lorne Michaels

to let BETTY host the long runn'n saturday late nite comedy sketch show…at 88 years young it finally came into fruition in 2010 thanx in part to over 500,000 die hard fans when BETTY became the oldest actress to host the show in it's entire history draw'n over 12 million viewers and earn'n herself an emmy to boot

even before all the glitz and glamour and her philanthropic endeavors 

BETTY volunteered her time fer the AWVS durin’ WW II at 20 years old

showered with many well deserved awards over her entire act'n career

BETTY was the oldest live'n entertainer in the biz with an impressive career spann'n 80+ years

only a few weeks shy of her 100th bday BETTY passed away peacefully

in her home and just like that...true hollwood is completely dead! there's already a planned documentary regard'n BETTY's enormous contribution to the entertainment world which will be released to a limited run of theaters commemorate'n her 100th bday...

there is no other actor and activist that has left behind such a lasting impression like the likes of BETTY WHITE…hands down we have lost a true national treasure and i fer one will remember the infectious joy she's left on me as i fall asleep to the GOLDEN GIRLS on youtube nite after nite...

you’ve slayed the completion in the male dominated biz of show and you will be sorely missed nonetheless yer generosity...humor and legacy in this world has enriched the lives of many and will live on fer generations to come so thank you for being a friend BETTY!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!