BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!) pt. 3

picture it kittens...it was now 2024 and everyone's fav-o-rit office prankster

DUNDER MIFFLIN on the hit series "THE OFFICE" played by charismatic nerd JOHN KRASINSKI (i can freely admit #1 that i never seen a single episode of and #2 that i ever ever plan to do so) was considered the sexiest man alive by some has-been newsstand rag...

everyone was gett'n "TIPSY" with that infectious bar song by one hit hot chocolate wonder SHABOOZEY...make'n it a whole 19 weeks at #1 (oh yea...he was the #2 fer sure)

and though their movie was #1...i thought it was more like a total #2 show just 20 minutes into it just cuz these 2 seriously annoyed the ever live'n wizard of fuck outta me whenever i'd see them redundantly regurgitate over each other durin' promotional interviews while marinate'n in their own vomitous self deprecation panties...

cuz unfortunately...i was already marinate'n in a shit show of my very own!

click here fer pt. 1 and here fer pt. 2

and now to put the nail in the coffin conclusion to 

BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!) 

so after inform'n my thirsty throat plunger that there would absofuckinlutely

be no slapp'n of the salami upon his arrival...i gave him the green lite to come over and spill the tea that he apparently needed to in person

as i opened the front door i could sense a sense of down right distraught

in his demeanor as he showed up in his sunday best that saturday nite...so after lead'n him to the conversational area...

i poured him a cup of imaginary ambition as he poured out his immense heart...

about his most recent maxi padder's latest financial adventure that he unfortunately had a hand in create'n!

BUTT...here's the thing...

after tell'n me many years earlier that they both were open to the causal

possibilities of multiple maniac manipulations...you don't get to whine to me in the middle of some bleak winters nite just cuz things didn't go the way it was intended fer yer flavor...

though i sat there patiently like some mini german frosted flake...cling'n

 onto every word that my now sexually distraught patient had poured out to me...play'n a game of emotionally exhaust'n ping pong... 

desperately seek'n my sympathy fer the past hour to all of a sudden without any warn'n or inclination...suggest'n to me... 

"you outta marry me so that cunt doesn't get any of my social security"

this was either some sorta evil twisted plot to pull the financial plug out 

from under his double dipp'n maxi padder's persistent perverseness or someone who's come to the realization that their entire matrimonial parade was a calculated shrewd sharade...a blame game of monopoly misgive'ns where he would end up in some blindsided cell and i (a-p-p-a-r-e-n-t-l-y) was some sorta key to set him free (or so he led me to believe)

needless to say...i was absofuckinlutely gobsmacked to receive this very

 indecently intrigue'n yet highly deceptive proposal cuz he was always give'n off co-dependency vibes from the very start...and i've been a very independent dependent fer years...though at the same time i said to myself...

i said SELF...i definitely DON'T wanna shitty piece of pretentious jewelry...

also...i'm no spring chicken anymore (well not without the help of a dimly lit candle and a vat of vaseline on the lense anyways to make me look like a fetus in a wig) i'm more like an i've fall'n and can barely get up feline with work'n parts and alot closer to rent'n a room at SHADY PINES than i want to admit...plus...

it'll be nice to finally settle down to some "MURDER SHE WROTE" marathons and toss'n back a few metamucil martini's after my nitely lime jell-o tube feed'n... 

before count'n sheep without have'n to book another flight to the red door clinic...hopefully!

oddly though...only 6 months into my proposed nuptials and i felt like my

euphoria was gett'n buried 6 feet under...all those rapturous matrimonial flutterbies had somehow...somewhere flown the coop and i began to contemplate if i was bein' duped...so fer the next 6 months i did what any insane devotee would do to change the stalemate situation they were now knee deep in and kicked it into over drive...

by not only suprise'n him with a nite on the town at some outta-my-price range speakeasy...

tickets to see the very sadly forgettable "PURPLE RAIN" musical...

merrily watch'n his mongrel (that i j'adored) on numerous occasions so he could get outta dodge...

but even JOAN CRAWFORD'n the fuck outta his pitiful palace once fer 6 hours after drive'n back early  from a very bountiful turkey dinner prepared by my bff PEETRINELLA and all i got in return upon his return from outta town was "geez...did yer OCD kick in again?"

i hadn't broken my "boundaries" by bend'n over backwards fer anyone 

like that in well over 20 years when i was embroiled in a tawdry and very tumultuous 4 1/2 year relationship that would give any sex therapist a run fer their money but this was just the salacious straw that broke this care'n camel's already sore back (mostly due to ride'n the waves in his waterbed) into give'n a single shit about it anymore and decided to mentally SARAH JESSICA PARKER my still supple and still smooth creamy white A-double snakes the H-E-double hockey stix outta his lair and vowed never to return and still haven't to this day!

mind you...i harbor no ill will towards him...it's just a learn'n curve ball 

in the game of life...however...i know that my worth is worth it's weight in dollar store diamonds so if you think this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe is ever gonna chow down on another measly matrimonial bullshit baloney sammich any time soon...think again! 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

don't go just yet...

***BREAK'N SNEWZ***

anyone over the age of 50 remembers that iconic sarcastically affectionate

landlady in those kaleidoscopically infused muumuu's...drown'n in brilliantly colorful statement pieces and topped off with a brassy red wig from the Eva Gabor collection in the mid to late 1970's...HELEN ROPER...on the sexually ambiguous slap stick comedy series fer the 1st 3 seasons (that puts me to sleep nitely) THREE'S COMPANY

since the lame ass Zombie pub crawls have become trife and troublesome

ever since it's been take'n over by corporate cover charges...a new wave of cocktail crawlers have take'n over the liquor lounges across the land and i'll be host'n the very 1st happy hour in then Minne-Apple area fri oct. 16th ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY FREE at the James Ballentine Uptown VFW Post 246 honor'n the late great AUDREY LINDLEY...who incidentally passed away 29 years ago on the very same day (who knows...maybe i'll bring my ouija board and try and make contact with HELEN myself)

i've even designed not 1 but 2 HELEN specific cocktails to immerse you into the experience....so grab yer gorgeous gals and yer fabulous fagula's...mock yerself up in yer fav-o-rit muumuu and come and knock on our door!

BEAT ME...BITE ME!

picture it kittens...it was the year 1997 and hot-as-fuck tv daddy and star

of the tv screen's hottest homo erectus prison series "OZ" CHRIS KELLER who was portrayed by none other than hot-as-fuck actor daddy CHRISTOPHER MELONI appeared in 5 outta the 6 sinsationally sexualized seasons that had every throat plunge'n tulip sniffer from Green Bay to Guam cumm'n in their culottes desperately try'na get sent to the clink by perform'n the pettiest of crimes just fer a chance to be a soap on a rope fer their very own personal Keller adjacent cock-a-doodle-do-me... 

which totally gave me a completely false interpretation of life behind bars by 2004 when it was my turn (i might add)

while over on the silver screen...the teenrager thriller starr'n hot-to-trot

beddably edibley dirty bird blonde bad ass RYAN PHILLIPPE was heat'n up the box office with a serial killer on the loose wear'n some tacky trench coat in "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER" (where most of the prepubescent "friends of BRITNEY" the follow'n summer were make'n tube sauce in their tube socks by freeze frame'n RYAN's shower scene in hopes of a glimpse at his throttle'n throat plunger they may have missed in the theater when they received a dvd copy at christmas)

a beautifully doe-eyed but whiney aussie songbird and massengill model

who began her career on the popular aussie soap opera "NEIGHBORS" until she hit #1 on the UK charts with her debut break-up single "TORN" released in novem and sung by that hoodie hottie NATALIE IMBRUGLIA which was actually a cover that was written...recorded and released by alternative rock band outta L.A. EDNASWAP in march of the same year…however…it  went nowhere except to their granny Aiken's hope chest (in hopes they could afford a double D chest fer her someday)

and i was leave'n a cesspool of piranha's at a popular downtown homo 

non AA water'n hole after gett'n a lil tuned up with an a-hole co-pilot i was chummy with at the time on our way to an even bigger water'n hole with a much bigger cess pole of piranha's...i could barely stand alone let alone stand him at the moment however i was not gonna throw my crutch away or i'da most likely been a puddle on the pavement that hot summer nite

as we made it 2 blocks without topple'n over each other i noticed a gaggle 

of blurry figurines (3 to be almost exact...though the state i was in at the moment it could'a been the tabernacle choir fer all i know) anywho'zill'ding...as they began move'n closer to us...i had a momentary lapse of my surround'ns and once we made it to the bus stop on the next block the dickslinger wait'n fer a cab asked me politely if i was gonna pick up my hat up off the sidewalk...

to which i replied "erm iz on mah head mista maaaan" (a slight pause then i continued with my come hither inebriated eyes) "hey thar sasquatch...fergit dah caaab...i'll give you dah ride of yer life" clearly annoyed...he shot back with "NO dude...it fell off when that guy punched you in the face!"

WAIT!!...WHAAA?? 

apparently the guy wait'n fer the cab filled me in when i regained my very

altered cognitive senses one by one and informed me that when me and my AA-hole were approached fer a spare cancer stick that my co-drunk was most likely puff'n on...i guess i had decided to chime in and incoherently murmured "i can find somethin' dirtier than an ass of a cigarette to stick in my mouth" to which one of them did not appreciate my forwardness (i guess) and cold cocked my right eye (and yes i mean without his throat plunger kittens) as my muscle bound co-pilot decided to skip to his lou instead of engage'n in fend'n them off my tender slender inebriated frame

 nonetheless...i apparently had enough spirits swimm'n around inside my veins that i did not budge an inch so they high tailed it off like a bunch of scared mormons completely unaware that they had accidentally booked an air B&B durin' FOLSOM STREET FAIR DAYS in San Fran

by morn'n i was feel'n like hammered shit look'n like FARRAH FAWCETT

on the set of that (oh shoot...what's the name of that uplift'n family friendly drama again?) oh duh...that's right "THE BURNING BED" with a shiner on my left eye as puffy and purple as an enormous eggplant and swore at that moment on that i would never be outnumbered by hooligans or let anyone lay another hand on me ever again (without consent of course) so i hired me a trainer and started a weekly work out regime...

that would transform me from a tulip sniff'n twinkle toes to a manwich meal on a mission!

BUTT...eventually

over 25 years later the abuse would rear it's ugly head once again...in all

places HUGO, MN at my neice's wedd'n just a few weeks back...i assumed i was there fer a glorious event like everyone else after i had spent many unplanned hours sett'n up the practically 10,000 twinkle lights (or at least it seemed like it anyways) and all seemed to be goin like clockwork with the attendee's have'n a merry ol' time...gett'n tuned up while i tuned out the negativity that seemed to follow me all around that even'n

by the time the clock struck midnite i had decided it was time fer me to

pack up my puss and bow out once my buzz had wore off and as i headed back to my car to head home fer the even'n with the windows down to soak up the cool nite breeze...my 6th sense was suddenly tell'n me that i possibly was bein followed fer some strange and unknown reason

roughly 10 miles into my journey i had to pull over to get the coordinates

recalibrated to my destination since my GPS decided to fuck with me after gett'n outta range apparently...when all of a sudden i noticed a blind'n light in my read view mirror (i was have'n some sorta KAREN SILKWOOD moment i swear to CHER!) and after they had passed i opened the door to water the fallen foliage beneath my yellow docs when all of a sudden BAM! outta no where i was jumped from behind by these fuck'n punks that were hide'n in the woods

i put up a good fight fer a minute however i was eventually outnumbered

so i quickly hopped back in my car and sped the fuck outta there as fast as i could in the pale moonlight...swerve'n in and outta the curves and corners thru miles of traffic before they had a chance to catch up to me...

while PATRICIA MAE ANDRZEJEWSKI's 4.5 octave range on "YOU BETTER RUN" was blow'n out my annoyingly cheap factory speakers

once i pulled into my niece's driveway...i took a breather behind the wheel 

fer a minute and collected my thoughts (after respond'n to a couple horny toads online that had messaged me in the immediate area) before exit'n my vehicle and as i made my way to the trailer door...outta the blue i was once again jumped from behind (and not in the good way i might add!) i was in complete awe...how in the fiddler's fuck where they able to catch up to me so quickly?

despite that...i guess these cowards obviously over estimated their total

strength in numbers cuz when they jumped me from all sides in the still of the nite...i still was able to handle 'em the best i could and kept on swing'n with all my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe might until i had laid 3 of those mutha fuckers flat out on the ground before i quickly scampered off inside slamm'n the door behind me as the rest of those assholes decided to give up and buzz off! 

all i can say is they're just lucky as fuck that i had no marks on my mug...guess you weren't expect'n some future neurotic colostomy bag with a massive case of turrets swing'n like some AARP ninja...did'ja? i might'a felt defeated at times but quite frankly...i'm just too damn old to put up with this shit anymore! 

i ain't gonna lie...i was gett'n tired of try'na fend them all off when all i really

wanted to do when i got back to my niece's trailer was to kick back with some lightly salted Orville and my fav-o-rit marathon series from the 70's to eventually drift off to (but) despite that...i made sure those belligerent basturds got what was come'n to 'em...they might'a started this...nonetheless i sure as shit on shingle was gonna finish it...KAPEESH!

UGH!!! i cannot stand all those damn blood suckers at this time of year... 

 mosquitoes ARE NOT yer friends and deserve to be totally eradicated from the face of the earth via the death penalty...

whether it be by high voltage electrocution...

highly murderous and toxic sprays...

 or just with a good ol' fashion unsuspect'n smack to their back side...P-E-R-I-O-D!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!