SPANK IT ON A BING BONG!

oh the 80's...what a decadent decade it was...fer many it was all about...

very high hair...

very high shoulders...

and a very high life!

BUTT...nonetheless

though MICHEAL JACKSON's 1982 hit "BEAT IT" may have been a very

titallate'n subliminal message catered towards all those active testosteroned teenrage'n hormone's...it was lost in translation to me (i just seriously wanted that fuck'n killer jacket)

fer me however...it was about my very high intolerance of catholic school confessionals and an equally...very high libido and try'n to find the best

 visual stimulation's fer my personal fornicational fantasies...the tintinnabulational bells rang out in my head like a sexually frustrated tabernacle choir durin' my tenderly supple teenrager years...cause'n much needed relief in my briefs when my parachute pants would get so "tight" they were ready to burst at the seams many many times durin' the day (thank you trapper keeper fer keep’n me covered) which without the proper train'n and use of spermicidal jams and jellies...gave a whole new mean'n to the word "carpet burns" (that is until i learned of the many mysteries of mayonnaise)

so let's take a look back at who was hot that made me trot...

in tonite's episode of masturbatory theater: 80's edition

the easiest go-to to get-off and get to count'n those sheep...was of course

the impeccably delectably original throat plunger of them all JEFF STRYKER with his cushion pillow lips and perfectly sculpted hips...Jeff earned himself a massive follow'n...follow'n his equally massive kickstand cock...Mr. Stryker made me hitchhike to heaven many a nite and worked much better on me than any ambien ever could on those cold lonely nites

though the king of rock and roll got everyone all shook up in the 50's...

he couldn't compare to the shake and baked bad ass of rock n roll in the 80's...with the flick of wrist and that insatiable sexy snarl...Mr. WILLIAM ALBERT MICHAEL BROAD had me "DANCING WITH MYSELF" "IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR" enough times to make a blind man see again

GREASE may have been the word in the late 1970's...

but all eyes were on the hottest "COOL RIDER" of them all at Rydell High in the 1980's...later starr'n in hit shows like "DYNASTY" and "THE COLBY'S" MAXWELL CAUFIELD is best remembered as putt'n the purrr back into perfection with those dreamy eyes and those meaty thighs as MICHAEL CARRINGTON in "GREASE 2" play'n the love starved aussie vy'n fer MICHELLE PHIEFFER's affection and added much needed relief to my dicktion affliction

apparently...it's a luxury down south to own all yer own teeth...

not an actual specific requirement...thankfully though...these 2 "GOOD OL' BOY'S" owned all their teeth and alot more...BO and LUKE DUKE were the hottest assets to come outta Hazzard County (though they weren't kiss'n cuz's) they definitely were double trouble and definitely doubled my fun on many occasions durin' bath time dream time...just make sure to check the hamper next to the tub fer any peep shows popp'n up

though Miss Ringwald might'a been sport'n the best bob on the planet...

everyone...and i mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E...with any mouth water'n pent up teenage angst...hopped aboard the exploration frustration train when MICHAEL SCHOEFFLING played sweet fresh faced cool cucumber...JAKE RYAN...desperately yearn'n to bob on his candle...in the back seat of his parents rolls royce...while tickle'n the dragon's tail...in this cumm'n of age classic "16 CANDLES"

of course...no fantasy island would be fulfilled with out a mustache ride...

from this private dick...not only did MAGNUM P.I. sport the coolest car while fight'n crime at the time...he also sported the perfectly groomed carpet that matched his broomed lip...however...the cherry on top of his career (that i secretly wanted to be on the bottom of) would have to be when he had condoms named after him (that i do own stock in!)

as the under cover lover and drummer to one of the biggest bands in the...

80's...CULTURE CLUB's JON MOSS had a tender but tumultuous relationship with lead singer BOY GEORGE durin' their time at the top...but Jon had that certain je ne sais quoi about him and with those incredible come fuck with me eyes...how could you not fall under his spell...when yer pants started to swell...JON was the grrrrrravey that mashed my potatoes when it came time to spank'n the monkey with the BIG BEN!

my saturday morn'ns were never quite the same again...

once the animated cult classic "HE-MAN" appeared on our cartoon line-up...with his perfectly chiseled chest and golden blonde page boy tresses...i waited in baited breath as he held aloft his "magic sword" and said "by the power of grey skull...i have the p-o-w-e-r"...HE made you feel like he would take care of anything and everything in yer prepubescent pity parade...include'n that pup tent you were sprout'n in yer pj's

before he was a reality tragedy on the defunked series "ARE YOU HOT?"

and his dreadful good cop gone bad cop by enforce'n the law on the law enforcement series "RENEGADE" that unfortunately ran fer 5 seasons...LORENZO LAMAS played lazy playboy grandson Lance Cumson (and trust me...i did!) on the CBS series "FALCON CREST" with his exhaustingly handsome Argentinian looks and perfectly lacquered locks...Lorenzo was the perfect nite time soap stud...to soap up to and shoot cupids arrow

he had more gold chains caress'n his neckline than king tut...

B.A. BARAKUS...better known to most as Mr. T from tv's dramedy "THE A-TEAM" was one of the all time hottest bad-ass crime fight'n pimps to ever grace the prime time hour...with his manicured mohawk and his perfectly perky pecs...he pitied the fool...who never played with his tool

well...that's it fer this trip down masturbation lane kittens...i'll leave you 

alone so you can start "TURN'N JAPANESE" on yer own

now if you wood...would you excuse me while i huff and puff and blow 

someone else's house down fer some pocket change...so puhleez kindly GET OFF MY DRESS!

THE WEB WE WEAVE pt.1

most gen X-er's barely remember huddle'n around the family console on a

thursday nite after Baretta burn'n their fingertips peel'n back the toxic tin foil on their swanson tv dinner that consisted usually of a slab of turkey drown'n in a not-so gravy like sediment saturated in the beyond recommend daily balance of sodium chloride intake...tastelessly nutritious bean cutlets....half frozen mashed potatoes and a dollop of pipe'n hot cherry sludge 

then wash'n it down with their fav-or-o-rit chemically enhanced 10% fruit flavored carbonated swill

while totally turn'n into a complete puddle on the burnt orangey brown shag carpet after learn'n about some adorably soft spoken arachnoid's demise played by the late DEBBIE REYNOLDS at the end of "CHARLOTTE'S WEB"

now listen...i have always have been deathly petrified of anything that has 

more than 4 legs (well…unless they’re neg…dd free…vaxxed and not into S&M w/M&M’s…BB w/butter or any sorta combo of fruit flavored spermicidal jams and jellies…i ain’t made outta yeast after all however i know how to “rise” to the occasion properly and can make you pop when prompted)  hmmm…now where was i? oh yea…

thanx in part to bein psychologically scarred as the pre-unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe forced into a musty dungeony like cellar with the light bulb purposely removed as a form of "punishment" on more than enough occasions than i care to relive when i lived a home…i completely felt like Starling search'n fer the light as an army of arachnids practically the size of himalayan rhinoceroses' tried attack'n me from all sides (hey...i was a very imaginative teenrager after all)

BUTT...h-o-w-e-v-e-r 

flashforward to the summer of  '89 and i was now on my very own...in my 

very own shitbox (i mean my very own quaint lil shitbox) i could finally call my very own with no one around to tell me what to do on the 2nd floor of my bff at the time grama's house in Homer, MN where the only thing that adorned my walls was a simple yet stunn'n "A CERTAIN SACRIFICE" movie poster i found at the local FACE THE MUSIC record store that starred my fav-o-rit blonde ambition that she starred in back in '79 before she hit the big time (that i can freely admit...the poster was the only thing good about that movie)

i loathed any sorta facial or body hair except fer the ever color change'n 

mop that grew outta my noggin (i had reluctantly removed my eyebrow hair as well and repainted on new serial killer brows at a much high altitude that were so sharp they could practically take an eye out)

i had used any sorta depilatories and waxes up to and include'n duct tape

that was humanly possible just to rid my mug of any and all facial follicles so my war paint would be much more spreadable like parkay until i had moved into my new place turn'n my limited funds now limited to rent only so i needed to devise another plan of attack

merely a week had gone by and i practically looked like some sorta benign

non essential castaway from Gilligan's Island that no one would ever notice and therefore i could no longer bare to cope with my scruffiness plus it didn't help the fact that i was carless...bikeless...baseless...phoneless and penniless except the allocated rent and the $150 in food stamps that i recently acquired via the state of MN welfare system at the time and unless a friend gave me a lift to the grocery store (which i will be ever thankful that many did) 

the closest means of food was the kwik trip that was roughly 3 and 1/2 miles away that i would have to huff and puff it on occasion if i wanted a bean burrito with somethin' to wash it down with

and i was not about to show my face without my burka on...which...incidentally was bein held at the cleaners fer a small but important ransom 

one hot summer afternoon as i was look'n out the front window of my 

paltry palace try'na figer out what i was gonna do fer the day...i noticed a spider practically the size of a Willmar water buffalo...spinn'n her web in the lower corner of my window sill and instead of have'n an absolute mental breakdown as i normally would...i became totally transfixed on the intricacies of her artwork and her dedication that I had decided enough was enough so i flipped over a milk crate next to the window...

grabbed my half emptied maybelline new york shine free oil controlled pressed powder compact and tweezers from the bathroom to pluck each and every hair off my face and neck one by one cuz i figered if she (we'll just call her Charlotte fer obvious reasons) can map out a maze wait'n aimlessly fer her dinner...i had all the time in the world to remove my follicles...besides i had already plucked my own eyebrows fer the last 5 years...what's the diff? my face just looked like an elephants eyebrow had exploded all over it  and i was not too damn happy with the current situation happen'n all over my mug!

i had mapped out my plan of attack by splitt'n my face and neck into 3 

sections...the left hemisphere of my mug and the right hemisphere of my mug then the lower hemisphere (which was my neck) and began to pluck away...one by one...notice'n Charlotte sit patiently outta the corner of my eye i figered at the very least i could do was to help her out with her dinner plans since she was probably as hungry as i was 

so i set my hands to stun and after a few tries i had cupped...crippled and captured an annoy'n fat ass musca-domestica...toss'n it onto her web then started to pluck away

i had never actually seen the maliciousness and meticulous way Charlotte 

and her ancestors dealt with feast or famine before although after i had tossed the crippled bug onto her delicately ornate dinner table she had spun it made Charlotte react like Carrie deal'n with her neurotically religious mother by attack'n the defenseless fly like nobody's biz

pluck after pluck it felt like my face was on fire though i knew i had no

other options left so after remove'n roughly 20 or 30 follicles i had built up enough tolerance and became quite numb to the pain

periodically i would peer down to see how Charlotte was doin with her 

new found feast and to my amazement she had already had it wrapped up tight like a christmas gift after a few hours of pluckage...inbetweeen every other hour or so i would take breaks to stretch my back and watch my stories ("YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS" Mrs. Chancellor was like my heroin...tough as nails who didn't take shit from anyone)

roughly 5 1/2 hours later i had finally and completely removed the right 

hemisphere of foliage from my face and it felt as smooth as an alabastered ass from the ozarks though by now my back had felt like a worn out murphy's bed pulled up and down like a taffy pull so i figered it was time to hit the hay so i bid ado to Charlotte and began my weekly ritual by lay'n down a couple of cool cucumber slices on my eyes and slapp'n on the ol' trusted St. Ives mint julip mud mask to help cool down the irritation and tighten my poor plucked pores

in the middle of the nite i would be awoken by a knock on my bedroom

door by the nice neurotic neighbor downstairs who needed milk fer her puke bucket but she couldn't be bothered to drive herself to kwik trip so i told her to flip on the lite so i could collect my senses

"WHAT THE FUCK IS ON YER FACE?" she said stunned look'n down at

me lay'n on the floor like a dead hooker under my bed sheet that did not consist of an actual bed at this point....i explained to her that this was my weekly ritual and i don't remove it til morn'n when i would have to chisel it off in the shower with a putty knife practically plus it also made my face look more uniformed since 2 thirds of it was still covered in hair...i told her gimme 2 minutes to throw on my combat boots and get the soup cans outta my hair and i'd be good to go

"are you fuck'n kidd'n me? yer not goin to the store like that are you?" 

she said with a bewildered tone in her voice completely amused i hadn't removed my smurf pajama's before lace'n up my boots (kittens...don't judge me!) "gimme the damn keys i don't give a fuck what people say" i thought to myself i bet Mrs. Chancellor would've said and done the exact same thing if the writers were brilliant enough to write this scene into the script when she was still around

even though i was still a bit of a scaredy cat in the middle of the nite when it comes to lonely isolated dirt roads thanx in part to bein removed along 

with half of my sibs from our moderately priced green station wagon on the farm back in the late 70's when Joan would drive far ahead as we bickered and watched the red rear lights fade into the dark of the nite and imagine'n a Mr. Voorhees like figure would pop out from behind the bushes at any give'n moment...

i sucked it up...buckled my belt and scurried off into the dead of the nite drive’n illegally cautious since i won’t be with license fer another 10 years to get a gallon of moomoo juice fer the bawl'n puke bucket in full combat boots...smurf pj's and my St Ives mint julip mask temporarily plastered to my face

there ya have it...tune in next week fer pt.2 of "THE WEB WE WEAVE"

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

A ROOM WITH A VIEW

there comes a moment in every unintentionally internationally unknown 

perform'n illusionist of their own universe's career where the unexpected is ALWAYS expected…like that time back in the late early 90's when i rang the free “phone line” one late december even’n cuz my biological clock was tick'n fer a lick'n then scampered briskly off thru the blister'n snow storm like some pent up penguin to meet up with this old saint dick in his busted out bronco idle'n incessantly in loring park while he was service'n a festive low ball cocktail in the front seat so i decided to pop in the back seat outta the cold and service his cock-n-tail while fondle'n his low balls as he tried desperately to (how do i say this delicately?) come down my chimney...

only to find out days later he made me waste my hard earned emergency cocktail funds on some herbal essence insecticide and a bic force'n me to Sinead O'Connor my throat plunger shawl (thanx alot asshole!)

with the lockdown and the countdown to christmas that's well on it's way...

everyone's in a pandemic panic to purchase the perfect prezzie fer some pretentious prick...why...even those kinky kittens out there are hope'n to get their sexually frustrated claws on the latest sexually pulsated gadget to fulfill their dilapidated desires these days 

well...when the latest single  "RAINBOW IN THE DARK" dropped a week 

ago by everyone's fav-o-rit 80's karma kween BOY GEORGE and Israeli reality sensation ASAF GOREN...millions of star struck kittens across the globe (myself included) were beyond ecstatically euphoric that ol' Kris Kringle had fulfilled our one wish this year with new tunage to tune out the current chaotic times we're currently fail'n at!

and then surprise'n us with a gorgeous stripped down reworked version to the CYNDI LAUPER girl power anthem "BOYS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN" fer her "HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS" concert the other nite

BUTT....that's not all

in the cold and crisp early morn'n hours in my ghetto...a very lucky handful of us 

infatuated lobotomized life long followers (and a few stragglers along the way) that were mindlessly shopp’n along the informational highway...got a ping to connect via the informational highway chatter clatter hour over a spot of tea...spill'n the "T" with one of the worlds most beloved prolific songwriters of the last century...thee one...thee only BOY GEORGE (i can barely contain my inner prepubescent self) so let's get to it...shall we?

how are you doin BOY? and i might as well start with what EVERY kitten across the globe is begg'n to know...do you have any new ear candy album come'n out soon on the horizon?

tired and tortured but seeing you has brightened my day...there is no album name there is no new album...it's just gonna be endless endless beautiful music coming at'cha cleaopatra!

one of the things that i am doing is messing around in terms of sound with things from the 80's that i didn't really do in the 80's you know...sort of sounds i didn't make in the 80's sort of to sell records...

that say...THE HUMAN LEAGUE were making or other electro bands were making so i started to play around with that...

so i've done this fabulous track with KIM WILDE...it's very exciting and she's amazing...she sounds amazing...i've also done a song with KIM for her...she has a big anniversary coming up next year so i've done a song with KIM which is my forthcoming duet with KIM WILDE it's called "NAME AND NUMBER" 

and it's very MADONNAesque...it's very NEW YORK...sort of late 80's

ever since COVID decided to fuck with the planet...the entertainment industry has been hugely impacted as to how it will find a creative outlet that works fer their fans at a socially acceptable distance and i can tell you after watch'n a couple perform'n illusionist shows on line back in march...it's just not the same as the in person experience...though the one on one live chats do give the fans some relief when their not walk'n to the liquor store...how have you as an artist coped with this forum? 

i was swiping thru some sorta live videos earlier and saw lots of famous people looking very very awkward  (insert BOY's infectious laugh here) and i think it's very difficult to not look awkward on instagram...there's something very kinda amatuerish about this but you know what? it's a great way to communicate...

so you know that we're getting ready for this CULTURE CLUB live stream on the 19th of December that's my big thing again and just want to encourage as many of you as possible to get yourself a ticket for the live stream cuz it's going to be exciting and it's going to be the first time that we've played together in over a year...maybe longer than a year and right now it's going ahead and we're just hoping for the best and it feels like the right thing to do...you know it feels like you know...someone has to do something or we're all going to go stir crazy so if you can get yourself a ticket

NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO! NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO! NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO!

click here to get tickets to "RAINBOW IN THE DARK" global live stream concert

one of the biggest anthems of the 80's was obviously "KARMA CHAMELEON" off yer multi platinum album  "COLOR BY NUMBERS" 

that sold over 10 million copies and made the band a household name solidify'n CULTURE CLUB as a huge staple of the 80's...but my fav song off the album is a hauntingly beautiful ballad "THAT"S THE WAY" with yer back-up singer HELEN TERRY who is no longer with the band...though it's been years...can you recall how you actually met HELEN TERRY?

the first time i ever met HELEN TERRY was outside this night club called HEAVEN and my friend said "oh she's an amazing singer you should work with her" and i just looked at HELEN TERRY and i said "sing for me" and she looked at me and she said "no...i'm not a performing seal!"

as long as we're goin down memory lane...one of yer oldest friends before you became famous was MARILYN whom you'd met at THE BLITZ club in London durin' the early 80's...she's put her stamp on the record'n

industry and you both actually worked together once with many other record'n artists on the 1984 christmas single "DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS" have you ever thought of collabrate'n together again?

i tried to work with MARILYN a couple years back...it wasn't the most succsessful adventure...the less said about that the better really

now that we're smack dab in the middle of the holiglazed season...misery truely does love company and this year is obviously been a bitter one fer a huge portion of the population even more so in this country w/lockdown and our soon to be X mentally deranged prez...one of my fav-o-rit bitter holiglazed songs that gets me thru the hussle and bussle of the holiglaze is CYNDI LAUPER's duet with THE HIVES "A CHRISTAMS DUEL" 

do you have any fav-o-rit jingle that you like or have you ever thought about write'n a holiday album like may other artists milk'n the season?

i tried to write a christmas song for me and DELTA which i guess now could be an autumn song it doesn't really matter when it comes out...it's got a mention of christmas and new year in it but i don't like christmas songs...oh no i do actually...my favorite christmas song is by THE SUPREME FABULETTES and it's called "YOU RUINED MY XMAS" cuz i just remember christmas as a time of like arguements and fighting and stuff like that so i remember christmas being quite stressful when i was a kid

you've started in the music industry as LIEUTENANT LUSH in 1980 when

you shared lead vocals with ANABELLE LWIN of the new wave band BOW WOW WOW fer a mere minute before you became a global sensation with CULTURE CLUB as well as a solo artist then write'n original music for and starr'n in yer own life story musical with TABOO but obviously as BOB DYLAN sang "TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGE'N" what do you think is the key to the future of the music industry?

you know what...i have to be really honest and say the music industry depresses me...it's just so depressing there's no creative industry with so much restriction so many rules...you can't do this you can't do that...you know a DJ can't pick up your record and play it unless it's on the play list...i did a thing recently for a nostalgic radio station and all they wanted me to play was 80's music which is great but there's alot of 80's music that doesn't get played...there's lots of bands you don't hear on the radio and it's almost like certain people get pushed aside and ignored and you know...you just hear the same things over and over so actually the music business i think has been fucked for a long time and i've not been part of it for a long time so i don't really even think about that...the music business sucks...i did sorta say jokingly the other day on the radio in Israel that radio hates music...it kinda does...it just plays the same thing over and over...for a creative industry the music industry is deeply uncreative and i hope somebody comes up with a new platform that has a bit more freedom in it really

the concept of albums is very very old fashioned pointless and a waste of my time so what's going to be happening just for the furture really is music is just going to come out and there's going to be no particular strategy or album or any kind of structure...i mean all of that stuff doesn't really work for an artist like me...the thing the music industry fears more than anything is getting old so they're always clawing for the next best thing and everything is about new new new and it's one of the interesting forms of creativity where your own industry doesn't believe you can get better at something...it's believes that you do one thing and you're sorta stuck in it and that's something i as an artist hadda take myself out of that cycle and not stress myself out worrying about where something goes or whether it gets played...you are the ones who give it value...so i'm going to be releasing lots of sort of records...lots of different types of records

if there was one thing you could do all over again what would you do?

well i tell you what actually...that's a really good question because i think i would've...i mean listen...i'm not saying that i don't love being famous it's amazing but in the 80's when it all kinda exploded i think i got sorta distracted by the fame aspect of what i was doing and sometimes to the detriment of what i was doing creatively and because i think being famous becomes a job...once you get famous it becomes a job and it distracts you from what you're doing musically and at some point you have to almost make a sorta deal with fame and say "right...i know what you are and i know what i've created and i'm just gonna get on with that" i wanted to be loved and i thought maybe fame would fill that hole but it doesn't so now i want to be famous and i want to be loved so you know i kinda seek both i think

ever since lockdown started back in march fer most of the planet...what's the biggest life lesson you can say you learned this year about people?

you know obviously this lockdown has been a different experience for every single person...i think for some people it's been unbearably difficult and continues to be so i really feel for those people...for me it's just been a case of getting on with it...just getting on with it...putting your head down and just excepting what it is and trying to stay sane cuz you know alot of people out there are crazy bitches there some nuts out there...even people i know are insane

so i gotta ask one last but thee most important question that all yer hard core kittens wanna know about...will yer original lead drummer JON MOSS be joining the band on this "RAINBOW IN THE DARK" concert?

we're suppose to be having a get together with JON MOSS on the 14th so we'll see...

it's gonna be like she's JOAN CRAWFORD at the Coca Cola meeting "don't fuck with me fellas!" 

(insert BOY's contagious laugh here)

i wanna thank my childhood idol that's taught me to "push aside those that whisper never" the ever colorfully peacocked BOY GEORGE fer this absofuckinglutely brilliant interview & look forward to what's come'n next

if yer a twatter...follow BOY on TWITTER

if you want the latest news...follow BOY on FB

if yer ears need some candy...SPOTIFY BOY

if you wants tickets fer a kick-ass concert click here fer RAINBOW IN THE DARK

now GET OFF MY DRESS!