rush from choke'n down on a bag of chemically flavored orange circus peanut sponge goodness and munch'n on almond covered windmill cookies...then wash'n it all down with a fresh glass of triple berry hawaiian punch...(cuz double berry just didn't have the same kick)
shouted at the tv the correct answers to the questions in hopes that the brain dead contestants on any give'n game show would of course hear us...my grama would inevitably murmur "damn fool" under her breath...
as the contestant would burst outta their seams...think'n that they had answered correctly and won the whole enchilada...not realize'n they had blurted out the wrong answer...both of us knew damn well...that if we were there...we'da won the damn money...
spend'n mid-morn'n summer afternoons at my grama's palace as we both
or that fully functional golden harvest colored Amana radar range!
BUTT...of course
(the real star of the show wasn't the contestants or the fabulous prizes...it was the host)
(the real star of the show wasn't the contestants or the fabulous prizes...it was the host)
from everyone's fav-o-rit snappy schizophrenic dresser on the popular
"MATCHGAME"...there was Gene Rayburn
to the dapperly flirtatious swingers club hostess with the mostess...Bob Eubanks of "The NEWLYWED GAME"
of course who can ferget the 2 hottest daytime daddies of the game show
circuit...Bert Convy of "PASSWORD"..."SUPER PASSWORD" and "TATTLESTALES"
and mister meeeeouch himself...Peter Tomarken of "PRESS YOUR LUCK" fame
(who made my pants tight many a times over)
wish'n his WHAMMIE would blow my mind apart that he had hidden under those tight tan poly slacks
(who made my pants tight many a times over)
though we've all done our best to ferget about that horrible incident at a
motel 6 in Sheboyban, WI that ended the career of tv's slickster Wink Martindale from the popular "TIC TAC DOUGH"...who got busted runn'n a "paws fer perv's" S&M puppy mill...
with numerous back issues of some inappropriate read'n material scattered about...allegedly!
i dreamed a lil dream on occasion that i too would star in my very own
game show where i would be the host...i would call it somethin' like "BITE THE BULLET" where all the contestants on my show would be anyone that's ever done me wrong (family friend...mo or bro) and they would be forced to line up in formation and only have 15 seconds to give me a good reason not to make them "BITE THE BULLET" between their eyeballs
well...i may have to tweek that idea fer a television audience of more than
just me...but in the meantime...i finally got to fulfill one of my life long dreams of bein' the host of my own untelevised game show this past weekend at LIFETIME FITNESS in the Target Center fer their ST. JUDE'S B-I-N-G-O event
i was ABSOLUTELY shocked as shit...when i finally decided to show up
to my destination...cuz the crowd wait'n impatiently in line looked like they were in town fer some sorta MAGA monster truck rally...wrapped around the block as far as i could see...but come to find out i was pleasantly pleased that the word apparently had gotten out that thee actual unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe was host'n this charity event
and not some imposter!
from what i understand...there was even a handful that had camped out
overnite...though i cannot confirm...nor will i bother to deny it!
now...it had been just a few years since i myself won play'n BINGO with
my cuz Carey at the MOOSE Bar & Grill in the N.E. Minne-Apple area that we've done every sat afternoon fer the past 3 some years now...but i felt like i completely won the best cover all prize of all that day...thank CHER fer back door entrances and security cuz it would turn into a moshpit with no where to escape from the throngs of rabid fans just try'na get a lil sneaky peak of lil ol' me
a lil sidetrack story...when i actually won my 1st bingo game a few years
ago...i was over the moon...i mean it was only $175 at the time...but hey...now i could finally afford one of those high price hookers who had all their shots up to date (and papers fer proof)
but my luck would be short lived when some lucky blue haired glittered
colostomy bag named Beatrice with her stock pile of good luck charms...multi colored machine gun dabber and her lucky styrofoam cup she stole from old blue's eyes himself after they became jitterbug champs at the VFW in Vegas back in '59...and with her one good hawk eye...blurted out B-I-N-G-O
well...needless to say kittens...i was not very pleased to hear this news
cuz not only did i have to split my winn'ns with Bea...it also meant that i would have to gamble once again later that nite on my "extra curricular activities" in hopes that i wouldn't have to visit the red door clinic in the morn'n...
so i went out to the park'n lot and slashed the back tires on her hoveround to teach her a lesson!
where was i now? oh yes...well...thanx to the lovely staffers Chauncey...
Beatrice and the bubbly bartenders Phillip and Mary who kept the bubbly flow'n all afternoon and of course my lovely co-hort Karona Vyris...who took care of all my balls
as my security detail finally decided to show up to guide me thru the over
zealous crowds claw'n at me fer mere moment alone...i blew my adore'n fans a vaccinated kiss as they took numerous unsolicited photos of myself while i slowly faded into the mist
sincerely though...i wanna thank ALL who showed up from the bottomless pit of my uncomplicated heart...the B-I-N-G-O event and my foray into the world of host'n my very own game show was a complete success and everyone went away a winner...just cuz they got to see my premier!
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
