oh BOY...BINGO!

so there i was last weekend...count'n my ABC's...and try'na catalogue

my STD's...at a very highly intense game of "where's my metamucil martini?" with a bunch of eye sore dress'n Ben-Gay beauties and my really really REALLY good close friend...oh shit...what's her name again?

hmmm...wait...gimme a minute...it's on the tip of my tongue (really good friend...known each other fer years...owns her own biz)...UGH...dammit it all to H-E-double hockey stix...Vanna...i'd like to buy a vowel please...can i get a Y?

well what in the sam hell?...oh well...once the metamucil martini kicks in...it'll come to me...so anywho'zll'ding...so there we were...me and my non dick slapp'n sidekick that i had just kidnapped fer the day from River Falls, WI...a foreign country...to me...sweat'n it out like a bunch of banshee's in Belize...play'n regular BINGO...

when all of sudden they called my fav-o-rit number fer the win...YES YES YES...165 BIG ONES...ALL MINE...i was completely shocked...after all the 10's of 1's i had spent...from what had seemed like eons...well was really only a couple of weeks total over the past 3 years of play'n with my cuz...but wouldn't ya know it...my world would completely shatter

when 2 other blue rinse bitches would have to ruin my dream of own'n my very own high priced hooker fer an out call fer the next 60 minutes...by popp'n in their jell-O chompers and screetch'n B-I-N-G-O!

CURSES!!!

but i digress undress!

as i took that long forlornly pissed off walk thru the park'n lot to my busted out shit mobile...my cell phone trilogy of terror...informed me of a personal text in my instagram account that i rarely ever check...the follow'n is thee actual conversation that occurred a couple of weeks back :

at first i was like...ya right...why are YOU contact'n ME thru instagram?

then i thought...waid'a'minute...WHY NOT? but this was no ordinary stalker i hadda deal with kittens cuz this HIGH PROFILE stalker was thee biggest i've ever come in contact with
(and i don't mean that in a narcotic sorta way...you damn finger pointers)

WOW...just WOW!

i hadda do all i could do to keep the giddy natives in the deepest corners of my empty soul from escape'n and goin all turrets on myself as i was ready to go center stage dur'in my car concert

with the latest BETH DITTO cd (ps...if you haven't...you must...it's sooo good!)...so i calmed my tits down fer a minute breath'n in and out and opened like a lotus flower...while chant'n nam myoho renge kyo...as i waited patiently fer his reply

i thought...hmmm...yea could'a at least threw my a complimentary bone MISTER SISTER...with all the damn benjamins i doled out to travel the corners of the globe in cognito to just getta glipse of  ya since you've been like my POP GODDESS since 1982...but anywho'z'll'ding...so BOY's reach'n out to MEEEE fer a "confidential" project...that is too big fer his own mgr?...this was GIGANTOR!!...this was better than winn'n anything at BINGO...the POWERBALL...

this even beats out front row tickets to CHER's colonic!
so of course i hadda play it off r-e-a-l cool cucumber and all without...you know... look'n like i really had time to deal with him or his secret affairs

i thought...maybe he needed a new make-up artist?...or maybe...he heard me lyp sync on stage once and wanted to record a duet?...or maybe...just maybe...

he wanted me to play him at the revival of TABOO?...who knew!

so i knew at this point...it was time to write my resignation letter and pack up my past...cuz when a superstar with his background says he needs somethin' done...you don't ask what it is...you just do it!

hmmm...hold up...waid'a'minute...let me put some grove in it!...a mega force of nature like BOY...

want'n lil ol' me to pull off some Boris and Natasha bullshit in the middle of the nite...so his mgr doesn't find out?...uh huh...somethin' don't smell right...but i was still intrigued enough to believe this was actually a genuine request that would most likely never transpire...but just in case...like a good falter'n catholic that doubles down at his or hers death bed in the off chance all those CASPER crusaders were right...i still believed...just'a bit...(hey...can ya blame me?)

i anxiously awaited his response with tuna on my breath...(keep yer mind outta the gutter) but of course...i hadda put in my 2 cents worth...ya know...just so i don't look like a complete A double snakes if this ain't the real deal

well by now i was quite sure...if this was ACTUALLY BOY contact'n me...it was a mistake...cuz he knows i'm well worth MORE than 20%...so i figered he had put just a lil too much Imodium AD in his earl grey tea...and hit me by mistake (i was crushed)...but i thought.on the OFF CHANCE it's not...i might as well give'm my digits...it ain't gonna hurt none

and so i did...

turns out...it was just some damn hacker that created a fake BOY account...if i ACTUALLY looked closer at the instagram header...i'da figered it out...(this is BOY's actual account if you wanna follow him...why not!) so of course my dream of gett'n outta this shithole and gett'n on OPRAH was shattered...what else is knew?

BUTT...
since we're on the subject of jokes...if yer look'n to purchase lil ol' me a lil quazi consolation christmas prezzie to soften my utter fantastical humiliation...

you can do that HERE...(PEETRINELLA...i'm just say'n...christmas is around the corner and you don't wanna suffer the same xmas fate as yer lovely sis...do you?)

but before i go...BOY...if yer read'n this (and i know you are) FYI...i'm still wait'n on that blog interview...kisses QUEEN!

now get off my dress!

47 reasons

so apparently...I CANNOT TAKE A FUCK'N WEEK OFF...from blanket'n

 the globe with my weekly words of whimsicality without gett'n my delicately plump...and oh so delickciously...A double snakes torn apart like a model in a snuff film on a silver platter...by certain pathologically restless readers...and enjoy a merried of fruity celibations fer my birth week with friends...but guess what kittens...

i can & i did...and ended it with these 2 clowns...(wigs...clown nose and glasses graciously provided by thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe) it was a simply splendid even'n...now on with the program

there are very few things in my life that REALLY freak the shit outta me

and clowns are definitely NOT one of them

(insert shameless non equity plug here)

insert BUTT plug here

 I LUV'D IT

BUTT...i digress 

where was i?...oh yea...to this day...any creepy crawly follicley things like...

tarantula's

 tantrums

and twats...freak the live'n shit outta me..seriously!...and especially #3...i mean...i'm all about open dialogue and i try to understand why a very large selection of disproportionately diluted and incredibly awkward male species out there that struggle thru their awkwardness try'n to eat a piece of hair pie fer pleasure...instead of dive'n deep on a thick meaty throat plunger...but i say...as long as i ain't fuck'n you...and you ain't fuck'n me...then why should i fuck'n care who you fuck?

but the one thing that has freaked me out most of all is the #47...cuz finally

it was my turn to turn 47...this may not be no milestone perhaps...and it's not becuz i'm afraid of grow'n old...that's just how the damn game was set up from the start...but i literally thought about it fer the past 38 years...well...cuz that's how old my dad was when he sailed away from this planet

i was contemplate'n what i wanted to do...what i should do...to keep my 

my mind of that dreaded number that has haunted me fer the past 38 years...perhaps...a quick trip to THE BIG APPLE to see MICHAEL MOORE's pure genius live on broadway

or just maybe some quick shag with some random BIG CLOWN with a BIG BALLOON (hey...you have yer fantasies...and i'll have mine)

luckily fer me though...when my day finally had come from the 47th year 

(after sashay'n thru Joan's meat curtain's)...i DID NOT unfortunately...instead...i choose to stick around and count down the hours on my very own...in my personal shitbox...thanx to my absofuckinglutely fabooshka friend PEETRINELLA...who knows me the best of all...by bequeath'n me with plenty of of ear and eye candy to make it thru the nite...

not have'n seen "WHEN A STRANGER CALLS BACK" in years...i fergot how this movie freaked the fuck'n bejeezus outta me back in the 80's...and to this day...i still can't walk past a brick wall without bein on edge think'n there's someone stare'n me down

i thought of popp'n in a lil pick-me-up...but "DEATH BECOMES HER" was a lil too close to home at the moment...and would have to wait fer another nite...if i was gonna make it thru this nite...so the next few hours i would slip into a 70's coma by putt'n on my platform slippers and polyester flame retardant pajama's fer a double feature of fornication & filth...

"BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS"...a sexually charged melodramatic musical co-written by the late movie critic Roger Ebert was just what the doctor ordered...followed by "INSIDE DEEPTHROAT" (somethin' i've dabbled in from time to time...fer the right dime) a brilliant documentary about the most explosive and lucrative throat plunge'n picture ever played on the big screen in cinematic history from the 70's...both recommended highly...

(unlike the paddy cake flick i made back in '92 in order to get a rent reduction yrs later) but i heard i'm "BIG IN JAPAN" apparently...(just say'n)

by the time the flicks had ended...i looked out and noticed that the moon

  had opened her eyes...so of course i was ready to open my thighs...but unfortunately...i was outta data fer the month...so there would be no prick parade on this particular even'n

so instead...i took a quick birdie bath and slowly sipped on a few metamucil martini's after splash'n on my jean nate' after bath body splash...while enjoy'n my latest musical obsession from one BETH DITTO from her solo cd "FAKE SUGAR"...talk about a power house of pussy...with her balls to the walls...there is NOT ONE track on this whole cd that disappoints...with it's opener "FIRE" yer take'n a magical musical journey from the 60's thru the 70's and smack dab into the 80's with her explosive southern pop rock vocals

 

BOY GEORGE...if yer read'n this...and i'm sure you do...BETH is this generations HELEN TERRY...scoop her up fer a duet...you both would blend perfectly like cucumber vodka with a splash of 7 and a hint of mint

i still was toss'n and turn'n by cd's end...so i decided to try and read some excerpts from BETH DITTO's memoirs "COAL TO DIAMONDS"...but i couldn't find one pop up page dammit...so i figured i'd pop in some more music and another metamucil martini (fer medicinal purposes of course)

the other 2 cd's "A JOYFUL NOISE" by her band GOSSIP & "BETH DITTO EP"...both equally worth a listen (well cuz i've heard them both on youtube years before...but i still enjoy a car concert...and i refuse to be a cover artless fan fer some artists)...but they would have to wait...becuz by now i could see the sun peek'n thru midnight skies

i had finally made it past my 47th...a huge sigh had finally been lifted off my shoulders and outta my mind fer the past 38 years...though i thought and wondered fer a moment what my world would'a been like...had my dad made it past his 47th and would he have approved of how i turned out...bein' thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i've become...despite those who wished i hadn't at times

it was about that time to "make the donuts" as it were...so i  popped in the remastered "PURPLE RAIN" soundtrack and packed my "remastered" strawberry shortcake metal lunchbox...after master'n the art of tuna...with chopped jalapeno's drown'n in a medium sized dollop of olive oil mayo spread  and a beautifully arranged fresh fruit compote 

in close'n...i sincerely wanna thank a mill times over to my incredibly generous and very very VERY good friend PEETRINELLA (who's still older than me by 1/2 a year...that's not a petty vanity thing...it's just a reminder before we both start march'n in the senility parade) fer gett'n me thru the my own personal milestone and move'n that 47th monkey off my back...you shall be rewarded greatly this xmas after all (so get crack'n on update'n yer amazon list)

and also my good friend TIMBELLINA fer kick'n it off...POONANIE fer the still unreceived offer'ns (cuz i'll never hear the end of it if i don't give em an honorable mention) and all those who praised me on social media...even if they didn't bring me any canned goods

now get off my dress!

ps...just so she don't think i'm unfergretful...or ungrateful

yes i luv the greatest hits PRINCE video's...but lemme just say...he got lazy with his use of the green screen imagery in the 90's