the house'n project princess's on the planet turned into either WENDY RICHTER or the FABULOUS MOOLAH in turn...turn'n their xmas shopp'n experience after their afternoon stories into a brutal world wrestle'n federational smack down at the first signs of snowflakes dance'n the jitterbug in december just to snatch up the latest MUST HAVE
TERESA ANN doll to put under the tree at christmas time to keep their lil puke buckets from dish'n the dirt to daddy when mothers around the country would take all those late nite after school "special" drives to meet the principal at the no-tell motel next to the freeway off ramp in the next county over
a young girl from Michigan inadvertently gave herself a gynecological exam on the stage at the very 1st MTV awards show inadvertently cement'n herself as the undeniable QUEEN OF THE DANCEFLOOR
and horror fans everywhere whacked off to then weeped as the latest dreamy heart throbber received open heart surgery in his dreams thanx to some demonic slash'n surgeon...get a ticket to the catch-up train fer pt. 1 here
so said occupant of the west territory was a huge fan of MR. JACKSON
durin' this time period (hey the world practically was to be fair) and had gotten the other MUST HAVE doll as a prezzie that year
even though i was totally denied the MUST HAVE MR. O'DOWD doll fer the same reason (however don't fret my pensive pet....i would FINALLY own the doll fer my very own after 5 bidd'n wars on ebay 20 years later) so suffice it to say that after this injustice and after my Marilyn bible was blatantly pillaged i needed to prepare fer an under cover plan of attack after find'n a few mutilated pages lead'n me west of the wall so i hadda top secret meet'n with the head of my assailant's toybox
as i feathered her hair and in my head she had spilled some top secret secrets and told me to get in contact with the basement brigade to help me with my full scale attack on all sides and though i had already found a trail of terror of torn page bits lead'n me to the assailants side…
i was runn'n short on time and wouldn't have time to search out the whereabouts of these soldiers fer back-up as i heard my assailant walk'n up the steps so i hadda do a judgement call after find'n a few crumpled scatterin's in the waste basket on the other side
and went totally Thomas Hewitt on the assailant's ass chase'n her outta the room then stumbled across her prized possession the Jackson doll and proceeded to meticulously snap the head and arms off one by one...
then hooked up the spark plugs i found in the back seat of Barbie's hot wheels and short circuited her transmission with MJ's lil silver glove
BUTT hold on to yer judgemental calls...
well after all the back and forth breakdowns over the next few hours
my conscious had gotten the better of me and i felt i needed to step up bein' the bigger brother so when the occupant of the west became transfixed on this witch doll i felt i needed to buy it fer her until i realized i was roughly some 70 cents short so as my sibs all left the store fer home i devised a plan b that was much less expensive so i nervously looked left...then right...then left again (thankyou after school cross'n guards fer grill'n that in my head) as i seen no humans walk'n up or down my aisle i quickly snatched this ugly witch doll off the hook and shoved it down my pre shrubbed snatch
utterly unaware that "BIG BROTHER" was eye'n me out from up above!
if i had planned my very first undercover breakout mission just a bit better
i would'a remembered to fill my fanny pack with my BONNIE BELL limited edition camo war paint so i wouldn't be noticed as easily however i thought there's no turn'n back now since this witch was give'n me an itch in the bowels of my undergarments and proceeded to pep up my step to the store's exit have'n said that just as i thought i was goin to cross the barriers of this beauty and drug store and be home free
my 6th sense had kicked in and felt a presence behind me i hadn't felt since i knocked myself out on the tether ball in 6th grade play'n fag football on the playgrounds of Madison school nonetheless i was committed to right'n my half wrong at this point!
my heart was race'n as if it were in 1st place at the kentucky derby and my
mind was doin laps at the grand prix speed'n an insane million miles a nano second and i kid you not i was bein egged on or serenaded by MRS. BENATAR's "YOU BETTER RUN" over the loud speakers at that very moment as i thought i was in the clear unfortunately just as i was about to cross the outer limits of the store's pharmaceutical force field much to my surprise i would be snatched back by a well manicure claw from behind
i tried with every vain in my tiny frame to reason with this AUGHRA look'n
anal wart who had bad bottled highlights pulled thru a cap of course as she clutched onto my left shoulder with a strong grip that of a bald eagle after catch'n their afternoon snack from a cool mountain stream as she marched me swiftly off down the candy aisle to the back of the store down the secret florescent lit hallways beyond the employee's only saloon doors and regrettably there would be no negotiate'n at this juncture in the road
tune in next week fer the very laughable conclusion to STICKY FINGERS
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
