BEAT ME...BITE ME!

picture it kittens...it was the year 1997 and hot-as-fuck tv daddy and star

of the tv screen's hottest homo erectus prison series "OZ" CHRIS KELLER who was portrayed by none other than hot-as-fuck actor daddy CHRISTOPHER MELONI appeared in 5 outta the 6 sinsationally sexualized seasons that had every throat plunge'n tulip sniffer from Green Bay to Guam cumm'n in their culottes desperately try'na get sent to the clink by perform'n the pettiest of crimes just fer a chance to be a soap on a rope fer their very own personal Keller adjacent cock-a-doodle-do-me... 

which totally gave me a completely false interpretation of life behind bars by 2004 when it was my turn (i might add)

while over on the silver screen...the teenrager thriller starr'n hot-to-trot

beddably edibley dirty bird blonde bad ass RYAN PHILLIPPE was heat'n up the box office with a serial killer on the loose wear'n some tacky trench coat in "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER" (where most of the prepubescent "friends of BRITNEY" the follow'n summer were make'n tube sauce in their tube socks by freeze frame'n RYAN's shower scene in hopes of a glimpse at his throttle'n throat plunger they may have missed in the theater when they received a dvd copy at christmas)

a beautifully doe-eyed but whiney aussie songbird and massengill model

who began her career on the popular aussie soap opera "NEIGHBORS" until she hit #1 on the UK charts with her debut break-up single "TORN" released in novem and sung by that hoodie hottie NATALIE IMBRUGLIA which was actually a cover that was written...recorded and released by alternative rock band outta L.A. EDNASWAP in march of the same year…however…it  went nowhere except to their granny Aiken's hope chest (in hopes they could afford a double D chest fer her someday)

and i was leave'n a cesspool of piranha's at a popular downtown homo 

non AA water'n hole after gett'n a lil tuned up with an a-hole co-pilot i was chummy with at the time on our way to an even bigger water'n hole with a much bigger cess pole of piranha's...i could barely stand alone let alone stand him at the moment however i was not gonna throw my crutch away or i'da most likely been a puddle on the pavement that hot summer nite

as we made it 2 blocks without topple'n over each other i noticed a gaggle 

of blurry figurines (3 to be almost exact...though the state i was in at the moment it could'a been the tabernacle choir fer all i know) anywho'zill'ding...as they began move'n closer to us...i had a momentary lapse of my surround'ns and once we made it to the bus stop on the next block the dickslinger wait'n fer a cab asked me politely if i was gonna pick up my hat up off the sidewalk...

to which i replied "erm iz on mah head mista maaaan" (a slight pause then i continued with my come hither inebriated eyes) "hey thar sasquatch...fergit dah caaab...i'll give you dah ride of yer life" clearly annoyed...he shot back with "NO dude...it fell off when that guy punched you in the face!"

WAIT!!...WHAAA?? 

apparently the guy wait'n fer the cab filled me in when i regained my very

altered cognitive senses one by one and informed me that when me and my AA-hole were approached fer a spare cancer stick that my co-drunk was most likely puff'n on...i guess i had decided to chime in and incoherently murmured "i can find somethin' dirtier than an ass of a cigarette to stick in my mouth" to which one of them did not appreciate my forwardness (i guess) and cold cocked my right eye (and yes i mean without his throat plunger kittens) as my muscle bound co-pilot decided to skip to his lou instead of engage'n in fend'n them off my tender slender inebriated frame

 nonetheless...i apparently had enough spirits swimm'n around inside my veins that i did not budge an inch so they high tailed it off like a bunch of scared mormons completely unaware that they had accidentally booked an air B&B durin' FOLSOM STREET FAIR DAYS in San Fran

by morn'n i was feel'n like hammered shit look'n like FARRAH FAWCETT

on the set of that (oh shoot...what's the name of that uplift'n family friendly drama again?) oh duh...that's right "THE BURNING BED" with a shiner on my left eye as puffy and purple as an enormous eggplant and swore at that moment on that i would never be outnumbered by hooligans or let anyone lay another hand on me ever again (without consent of course) so i hired me a trainer and started a weekly work out regime...

that would transform me from a tulip sniff'n twinkle toes to a manwich meal on a mission!

BUTT...eventually

over 25 years later the abuse would rear it's ugly head once again...in all

places HUGO, MN at my neice's wedd'n just a few weeks back...i assumed i was there fer a glorious event like everyone else after i had spent many unplanned hours sett'n up the practically 10,000 twinkle lights (or at least it seemed like it anyways) and all seemed to be goin like clockwork with the attendee's have'n a merry ol' time...gett'n tuned up while i tuned out the negativity that seemed to follow me all around that even'n

by the time the clock struck midnite i had decided it was time fer me to

pack up my puss and bow out once my buzz had wore off and as i headed back to my car to head home fer the even'n with the windows down to soak up the cool nite breeze...my 6th sense was suddenly tell'n me that i possibly was bein followed fer some strange and unknown reason

roughly 10 miles into my journey i had to pull over to get the coordinates

recalibrated to my destination since my GPS decided to fuck with me after gett'n outta range apparently...when all of a sudden i noticed a blind'n light in my read view mirror (i was have'n some sorta KAREN SILKWOOD moment i swear to CHER!) and after they had passed i opened the door to water the fallen foliage beneath my yellow docs when all of a sudden BAM! outta no where i was jumped from behind by these fuck'n punks that were hide'n in the woods

i put up a good fight fer a minute however i was eventually outnumbered

so i quickly hopped back in my car and sped the fuck outta there as fast as i could in the pale moonlight...swerve'n in and outta the curves and corners thru miles of traffic before they had a chance to catch up to me...

while PATRICIA MAE ANDRZEJEWSKI's 4.5 octave range on "YOU BETTER RUN" was blow'n out my annoyingly cheap factory speakers

once i pulled into my niece's driveway...i took a breather behind the wheel 

fer a minute and collected my thoughts (after respond'n to a couple horny toads online that had messaged me in the immediate area) before exit'n my vehicle and as i made my way to the trailer door...outta the blue i was once again jumped from behind (and not in the good way i might add!) i was in complete awe...how in the fiddler's fuck where they able to catch up to me so quickly?

despite that...i guess these cowards obviously over estimated their total

strength in numbers cuz when they jumped me from all sides in the still of the nite...i still was able to handle 'em the best i could and kept on swing'n with all my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe might until i had laid 3 of those mutha fuckers flat out on the ground before i quickly scampered off inside slamm'n the door behind me as the rest of those assholes decided to give up and buzz off! 

all i can say is they're just lucky as fuck that i had no marks on my mug...guess you weren't expect'n some future neurotic colostomy bag with a massive case of turrets swing'n like some AARP ninja...did'ja? i might'a felt defeated at times but quite frankly...i'm just too damn old to put up with this shit anymore! 

i ain't gonna lie...i was gett'n tired of try'na fend them all off when all i really

wanted to do when i got back to my niece's trailer was to kick back with some lightly salted Orville and my fav-o-rit marathon series from the 70's to eventually drift off to (but) despite that...i made sure those belligerent basturds got what was come'n to 'em...they might'a started this...nonetheless i sure as shit on shingle was gonna finish it...KAPEESH!

UGH!!! i cannot stand all those damn blood suckers at this time of year... 

 mosquitoes ARE NOT yer friends and deserve to be totally eradicated from the face of the earth via the death penalty...

whether it be by high voltage electrocution...

highly murderous and toxic sprays...

 or just with a good ol' fashion unsuspect'n smack to their back side...P-E-R-I-O-D!

now GET OFF MY DRESS! 

TIME (CLOCK OF THE HEART)

we've all had those momentous first time moments in the earlier stages 

of our life that you've either seen with yer own 2 eyes or participated in fer the very first time that end up leave'n an impactful imprint deep into yer memory banks that you'll end up carry'n with you up until the very last moment before you kick the can...whether it be the very first movie yer dad took you to as a small but important future unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of yer own universe...

where you learned that in outer space you should always do yer research before commit'n yerself to a cloak made out of a brown poly blend potato sack as they don't have the best protection against a lone evil doer with asthmatic issues who has an axe to grind with half the fuck'n universe

then there's that very first time you learn all about the judicial systems as a

 

tittilated teenrager by have'n yer very first judge judy experience in 1987 thanx in part to an unplanned trip to the barbershop inside yer school lunchroom at 7:45 am then immediately hopp'n on yer huffy bike since Joan wanted you out of the house...huff'n and puff'n like the wicked witch from the west end of town to yer former bff's palace in the projects of the small minded unimportant town…

just to have a mental break down in front of his mom in her Daisey dukes and crop top puff'n on her marlboro lights on the back stoop...as she gives you her simple but effective advice "you sue that mother fucker and tell the judge you were gonna use yer hair to be in a rock band" (and that is a direct quote) completely push'n you into the spotlight of the entire school all cuz of yer fabulous follicles...

which were part of some twisted diabolical plot designed by a group of jack-off jocks who wanted to show you who's runn'n the roost by have'n some piss'n contest and cutt'n off a portion of the luscious locks from the new leper in the lunch room (insert me here) i of course would come out victorious in the end by sue'n the head of the football team's ass (though i'm sure secretly all he really wanted was head or my smooth plump ass back then and all he hadda do was ask...i would'a obliged...back then anyways) 

and from that very moment on i would N-E-V-E-R take shit from anyone anymore no matter who they were!

and how could i not mention that time in the pre 90's cell phone era of '95

when i was about to come in my culottes after leave'n a popular STD disco hole in the downtown Minne-Apple area late one even'n when i hopped skipped and jumped into a dark camaro driven by some midnite cowboy who was my last call to bust his balls with as i was trollop'n head'n home fer some head thru Loring Park...

only to make it 2 blocks before we were pulled over by some Roscoe P. Coltrane who tried to take me down fer solicite'n in my slacks...fortunately my jedi minds tricks worked that nite and he let us off so we could get off...

back at my place where my midnite rider admitted this would be his only and last "batt'n practice" before his wedd'n day the follow'n day and asked me if i knew who the TWINS were... 

to which i responded "you mean the OLSON TWINS or the WONDER TWINS?" to which he said "NO the baseball team!" i let him know that sports was the last thing on my mind so why not be a good sport and get to work then leave a quarter on the counter on yer way out

BUTT move'n forward

we might be in the year 2022 nonetheless i felt like i went thru some sorta 

time warp back to the best decade ever invented fer music durin' the 1980's as i inverted back into my teenrager times by start'n the month off see'n PAT BENATAR (w/NEIL GIRALDO) live in concert...then roller disco'n with MADONNA in Central Park the follow'n week before return'n back home ecstatic to see DURAN DURAN at an outdoor venue except fer the fact that mother nature decided to bitch slap the band and the audience with a severe thunder storm minutes before the concert was to begin that nite...make'n it a disaster fer the flock of fans near and far who were crammed into the casino like salty sardines only to have the concert completely canceled in the end to the dismay of many

end'n out the month with my ALL TIME FAV-O-RIT BOY  in thee absolute 

entire universe that's been well documented in this blog over the years and of course his boys who he would not be without...

back at MYSTIC LAKE with CULTURE CLUB where they absofuckinlutely DID NOT disappoint as usual

BOY was in tip top shape...engage'n with the audience like he was have'n the best time with his gal pals over a lovely cup of herbal tea and a macrobiotic serve'n of steamed kombu over a bed of hijiki with just a slight sprinkle of gomashio

i'll admit it...I AM A BOY JUNKIE...someone send me to B.G.A...STAT!

that's Boy George Anonymous fer you uneducated kittens...since this would now be the 9th time see'n them live so of course i hadda pull out ALL the stops and pull an all niter into a dayer by gett'n hopped up on an assortment of fruit flavored chemicals consist'n of jalapeño skittles and multi purpose flavors of red bull in order to kick my OCD into high gear by hot glue'n by hand stone by stone and sequin by sequin in an orderly fashion fer roughly 23 hrs and after another 3 hours in make-up i set out to begin my musical journey

arrive'n to the casino just a few minutes early cuz i'm such a gurly swat 

after all when it comes to punctuality...i waited patiently fer my friends to show up as i miraculously mosied on up to the bar without gett'n shot at when outta the corner of my eye i caught this pickled patsy absolutely tickled stare'n at me as if i were Medusa and she was about to turn to stone (though to be quiet honest...i think she was just a wee bit stoned) anywho'zll'ding...she had asked if i was BOY GEORGE or a member of his band...awwww...how sweet!

of course i hated to burst her narcotic laced bubble (allegedly) nonetheless i hadda set her straight by reveal'n my real name

once my friends arrived we enjoyed a quick cocktail then sashayed our

A double snakes thru the casino to the theater but not before i was bombarded every step of the way by a stampede of gawkers and stalkers politely ask'n me fer a pic with them and without hesitation i turned their world upside down and inside out...why not!

as the theater lights began to fade and the stage lights began to light up

no one in the sea of fans new and old at the packed theater meant a damn thing to me as i regressed into my former self almost 40 years earlier 

moments later the band slithered out from the sides then BOY himself appeared on stage in full glory...play'n up and down their repertoire of hits over the past 40 years and a few new surprise gems and mash-ups fer roughly 2 hrs straight

as the concert concluded i was once again bombarded with many many  

requests fer more pix with the audience and though i was desperately search'n fer a cocktail to quench my severely parched throat from sing'n along all nite...i bit my painted lips and held onto my arthritic hips by oblige'n the masses wait'n patiently to strike a pose with me fer the next 45 minutes as i tried to purchase a lil medium memorabilia fer myself

most celebrities like myself usually try & run in circles with the same status

follow'n any kind of event...it can get to be very taxi'n after endless hours of humility wear'n 20 pounds of make-up and wrapped up in an outfit so tight that you feel like yer give'n yerself a homemade hysterotomy every time you have to walk thru a barrage of fans that have no concept of proper light'n or angles as they snap their selfie with you while yer just desperately seek'n the jaws of life to release you from the misery of it all and though i may be at the bottom of the celebrity totem pole...i'm still there dammit and i have a threshold to my thoughtfulness and mine ended seconds after the concert ended…i had had enough with the relentless requests fer snaps (i highly doubt MADONNA ever has to put up with this shit anymore!)

nevertheless i completely melted while i was wait'n in line to buy

some over-priced tee at this pre-teen who i could sense was nervous to ask me fer a selfie (which made sense i suppose…i mean come on…i rocked the shit outta my look that nite) however after see'n the absolute joy pour'n outta his pretty blue puppy dog eyes as he gleefully told me it was the best concert he had ever went to...

suddenly i had an epiphany…music has always been a powerful drug to me and i could tell that this kid was as high as a damn kite from the concert…i realized that i was stare'n directly at myself nearly 40 years ago when i felt the exact emotions see’n  CULTURE CLUB on Mtv fer the very first time and even though i was denied the same live experience in 1984 that this kid got to experience in 2022...

i fer one WAS NOT about to crush and scar this kids memory banks by stomp'n all over his request so i happily took a pic with him and the other 15 to 20 some people that waited anxiously behind him before i bid my ado to them all and met my friends who hooked me up to the cocktail drip wait'n fer me at the bar.

now GET OFF MY DRESS!