Rotten to the Core pt. 3

i can here the echos of one Miss Lisa Stansfield...belt'n out her tune

"been around the world...and i...i...i...i can't find...

MY S-A-N-I-T-Y!

seriously...

read part 1 here

NO...I'M SERIOUSLY...

READ PART 2 HERE

and now the torturous conclusion to: ROTTEN TO THE CORE

experience'n all my new 1st's...after 72 long hrs...i needed a break today...

i was in zero mood to serve anyone...let alone by someone that had served over a million...but this WAS NOT the kinda meat i had in mind...i just wanted to meet a potential honest to goodness waste of my time host with the most understand'n of what i had just gone thru...that i was even will'n to pay fer them to lend me their ear fer a couple hours while tool'n thru the city's many nooks and tranny's...but with mother nature bein' murderously muggy that day...heat'n up like a presidential investigation...

it was all i could do to not stop myself from drown'n in another hopeless puddle of "earthy delights"

since 3 is my lucky number...(by choice...no reason)...i popped on line...

to phone a potential mistake that could take me outta my mind fer a period of time...on my dime even

BUTT...of course

wouldn't ya know it...all ANYONE could think about was gett'n the best bang fer their buck...and i get it...if yer the "fresh meat" in town...who wouldn't want to be pounded into ground round by thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe?

though i might'a been in the mood after the sun goes down...i was in zero mood fer some drippy...tawdry "afternoon delight" production at this moment in time...cuz my sky rockets weren't in any sorta mood to be in flight...anywhere!

it felt like i was a fuck'n contestant on some damn 80's game show...

though trust me...even though every "connection" that i was offered...(and there were alot of em i must say) there would be no plausible Chuck Woolery moment to "flick my bick" into someone's "hope box"...if they couldn't...at the very least...entertain me in the public eye 

before their "wife" Ralph came home from a difficult day at the park

i finally found some prick who didn't "dick"tate to me his laundry list...

of pulsate'n pleasures online...that needed to be completed immediately...so i jumped outta my rental bed by 1pm after waste'n all morn'n just try'na cool off...while gett'n all hot and bothered...turns out...my 36 yr old brazilian 6'3 giant of devilishly delishousness was a bartender at one of Coop's longtime x butt buddies bar... 

and was gonna be stay'n at STING's pad while he was on a yoga pilgrimage with Trudy and Deepak Chopra in Budapest or some shit like that..."allegedly"...of course who know's if any of this was actually the truth...but it didn't really matter to me though...i finally found my tour guide fer the afternoon...and just so he wouldn't think he had one over me dropp'n names...i told him i had my own roster of richy rich's i work for...

i'm Madonna's clairvoyant calculator (hey...you don't know if that ain't a fact jack!)

with the temps skyrocket'n...my giant...hmmm...let's just call him...ummm 

T-O-N-I-T-E fer the purposes of this finale...(above pic is a stand-in as not to expose his ego any more than he had already done with me) was spritz'n like a lawn sprinkler in the Sierra and wanted to run home fer a quick change...and who was i to say no (insert evil grin here)

trudge'n up 6 flights to his lair....it wouldn't be more than a mere 5 seconds

inside...that his clothes would eventually evaporate in front of my very eyes...and even if i could appreciate his David Blaine pony act...(and trust me...i can handle a tooth chipper...but my throat is no one's storage cellar) he wanted me to disappear inside him...

but not in a Jeffery Dahmer way...just so we're clear kittens!

you do the math (insert *wink*wink* here)

2 hrs later...i found my way back to the Ritz in Hell's Kitchen and met up 

with this absolutely delightful NY Quentin Crispish staple fer a lil chitter chatter that i had met thru the crowd the night before at the saloon on 9th...but after a quick cocktail...it was finally time to head to the whole reason i came ot NY in the 1st place...

to see MISS KATHY GRIFFIN spill it all @ Carnegie Hall...and trust me...it was well worth the price of admission and all the hell i...like Kathy herself...went thru...to make it to this juncture in the road...i don't wanna give ANYTHING away since she's still on her WORLD WIDE TOUR...

all i'll say is...our mentally deranged corrupt lie'n sack of baby pig shit...IS STILL JUST THAT...& MORE...along with his brain dead lobotomized cuntruffle'n followers!

3 hours later...as much as i wanted to say goodbye properly to the city...

i absolutely adore...my hooves were barely keep'n my stable...and i knew it was time to pack up the nite...so i text'd my host and headed back to pack up my miserable memories...in case he was worried since i hadn't texted him all day...then all of a sudden...my cell phone died as i waited fer his response while walk'n my A double snakes all the way home...

 

lil didn't i know...once i reached my destination...that i would have to be negotiate'n my entrance like a terrorist to the very place that i still had one more damn nite that i had already paid for in full...

all cuz he decided to have a lil menage et trois with some "friends" who were audition'n fer the very off broadway show of some "highly" influenced non heterosexual production of "break'n bad"

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY NOW?

it was nice that he gave me a couple of options...though at 12:30 at nite...

i was in zippo mood to play "let's make a deal"...so my options were either #1 join in...or #2 sit at the bar fer an hour so they could finish up with auditions...never mind the fact that i had held it fer the last mile walk and really needed to do both #1 and #2

i opted to say goodbye to the city my way...and an hour later i got the signal it was ok to return...know'n full well...i would never return to BNB world on any furture solo vacations...and to make matters worse...

their try-outs last'd til the rooster crow'd around 4:30 am...suffice it to say...i was not a happy camper know'n i would barely sleep a wink before it would be time to skiddaddle to the airport

check out was 11 am sharp...but trust me...i was up and out by 6 bells

and off to the airport...reminiscence'n thru the last 4 days i just went thru...feel'n like a member of the lollipop guild...1 and 30 minutes later i would arrive at the airport 4 hrs early...and made sure the BNB got a full earful and demand'd my money back fer the last day at the very least since i was locked out...to which they obliged me

what's the moral of the story you ask?...welll...sometimes it just ain't worth

pinch'n pennies or you'll get pinched!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

Rotten to the Core pt.1

we all wanna have those stylishly cultured chatter box'n bff's that can

slay you with their "attempt" at humor look fer that perfect picture to "remember when" moments when yer reminisce'n with that colostomy bag bunk'n next to you as the staff changes yer sheets fer the 3rd time that day...while serve'n ya jell-o 3 times a day at the home (even though yer posse always ended up look'n more like a gaggle of throat plunge'n whores show'n off yer oral skills)...while yer on vaca atop a hot tin rooftop...on a hot summer day in the BIG APPLE...sipp'n sangria's and choke'n down cosmos til the cows come home...or at the very least...

til the cops are called to tell you to come down...even though you know yer rights...that you were entitled to 1 phone call and a strip search...but secretly...you knew you had no one to call...except hopefully him in the morn'n...cuz you remembered to wear yer Versace knee pads

it'd been some time since i had explored some far off city on my very own

last time was the early late 90's in merry ol' England fer the 1st time...London always felt to me like my kindred home...that i was supposed to be born in...in another dimensional universe and time...though who am i kidd'n...my whole purpose of said vaca was to hunt down the BOY and make him my own personal love slave (in a non slave sorta way of course...slavery is not fun kittens...just a lil FYI) that i could call at a moments notice if my electricity was cut off...due to insufficient funds...and i need a place to crash fer the next year or 10

a month before i left my job...i seen MISS GRIFFIN was finally goin out on

 tour after the whole humorously 1st amendment debacle with her hold'n a severed head FUCK'N MASK DRIPP'N IN KETCHUP of our unfortunate mentally deranged lie'n sack of pigshit currently disgrace'n the oval orifice in DC...

i'd never been to Carnegie Hall in NY and i knew it was gonna be an EPIC take'n down so this show was one I DID NOT WANT TO MISS!!

so i booked my flight...in the process...i found out a couple days earlier was NY PRIDE...and decided to check it out fer the 1st time on my own...why not!

hotels were thru the roof this time a year...and pay'n over $800 just to...

 shit and shower was frankly not part of my piggy bank budget...it crossed my noggin to save some coins and check out a hooker hotel...but even if Miss Kitty was host'n at her brothel...i just couldn't convince myself that it'd be worth it...

after experience'n my last mistake try'n save some coins in 2003 when i was in town to see the fantastically brilliant BOY GEORGE musical "TABOO" on broadway...return'n to my "hotel" at 3 am to make a quick run down the hall to the lil gurls room...

i would be greeted by some butt ass naked break'n bad bitch on the floor...slumped over the bathtub who started shoot'n the shit with me...while shoot'n up shit in her arm...that one could assume was her din din...and offered me an offer'n...to share just a small but polite portion...wave'n me down to pop a squat next to her "hey baby...yeh all goo'...come'on in"...hey at least she's wasn't a typical selfish shooter...so i give her props fer that...but with a twitch of my nose and the snap of my phalanges...

i was outta there!

chatt'n one nite on-line to the NY mo's to let them know that my presence

would be permeate'n their city soon and to please roll out the red carpet upon my arrival...well...one particular poker suggested to me that i should go AIR BNB route...i'd save myself many coins and get a more fulfill'n experience...so i researched the link he sent me fer the next couple days til i found the perfect "piehole"...i mean host with the most rate'n

and ended up find'n the purrrrrrfect russian body builder trainer...with high scores...and trust me...his went thru the roof after read'n his profile...his daily rate was cheaper than than a cut and color at Fantastic Sam's so i booked him out fer the duration of my vacation...a full month in advance cuz i didn't wanna take a chance...only to have him cancel on me a week before i was to fly out...

luckily...i found someone within the same cut-n-color price range that had even a higher rate'n...that was a bit closer to where i wanted to plant my A double snakes...so i contacted the host immediately and ironed out plans to occupy his pad

it would almost be 24 hours before i would be whisked off to the airport...

so i popped into my pubic library (and yes that was no freudian slip...cuz if you seen the island of ritual bathers i have'ta deal with on a daily basis where i write you this inquisitive and highly informative and motivational blog after all these years...trust me...you would agree) to print out my ticket...but unfortunately couldn't find the email

i've done my fair share of charity...more than i care to count...thank CHER fer those penicillin shots though!

after a mini melt down...i recalled see'n the Delta Delta Delta can i help ya help ya help ya symbol...so i immediately contacted the airline only to find out i had bought a one way ticket to the BIG APPLE...thought i love love love NEW YORK...i had no seriously plans of not return'n back to my shit box (unless i got the right lotto numbers from the nite before)

i frantically rushed home to call my sister to order me a return ticket home

and though it was more than i wanted to pay...this was no time to pinch those pennies in my nana purse cuz i was goin to NY come hell or high water some how...so i said just book it...only to get a return call from my sis 15 minutes later...well cuz she booked me a flight from the Minne-Apple to the BIG APPLE on my return date....

after another mini meltdown...i poured myself a major metamucil martini...in a BIG GULP and all was good in the hood once again
(thanx sis)

the day had FINALLY arrived fer me to get outta dodge fer a few days...

and as always...i packed light on those heave fly days...goin thru security was easy and breezy fer a change without the proverbial gynecological exam...everything seem to be tick'n along like clockwork orange...that is...until we hit the runway gett'n ready to taxi off...and all of a sudden on the over head speaker...the captain says so patiently..."sorry folks...but we seem to have a glitch in our system...and we radio'd the the tower fer maintenance to run out here quick fer a check up before take off"

well..only a short 10 minutes would go by and i could here the engines start'n back up again... minutes later we were ready to taxi down the runway...but we only make it roughly about 100 yards or so and another announcement from the captain could be heard "again i apologize folks but we are gonna be delayed a bit longer cuz there's too many planes land'n into laguardia at the moment...we should be in the air in about 40 minutes or so...so feel free to get up and stretch"...i hesitated fer a moment but figer'd there's no point in gett'n all bent outta shape like the anal wart behind me...since my broom stick was broken...when finally took off down the runway...i thought to myself...well...it can't get any worse...

or can it?

tune in next week fer the torment'n conclusion to:

ROTTEN TO THE CORE

now GET OFF MY DRESS!