THE GREAT PIPE HYPE pt 2

hey kittens...have you ever gotten that not so fresh feel'n...like you were

bein' WATCHED? well get a ticket to the catch-up train by click'n here fer THE GREAT PIPE HYPE pt 1 (cuz i ain't relive'n it all over again just fer you) before we leave the station to yer next destination...and now the excruciate'n conclusion to THE GREAT PIPE HYPE pt. 2

i rummaged feverishly thru the tan Hermes briefcase look'n fer a contact

number to contact the hopeful owner of said bag with my one hand...while i waited fer the paint to dry on the other...HOWEVER...all i could find was the name "LARRY" printed in bold helvetica font on a blank antique egg shell colored business card along with a phone number

so i immediately contacted Beatrice down at the local phone company 

and had her patch me thru to this "LARRY" fella though first off of course all she wanted to go on to me about was her infected toilet parts before segway'n into how she felted cheated by the 3 bean salad at last sundays church social that her dear friend Marcella brought cuz all she could honestly taste were 2 distinct flavored beans apparently...nonetheless...after several more minutes dicuss'n the mass differences between her rheumatitis and my patience...she patched me thru...

unfortunately all i got was his voice mail so i left him a simple yet effective message with my number...along with my inseam size and coordinates to my multiple personalities and to call me back at his earliest convenience (as long as i'm not bein inconvenienced)

curiosity was sett'n in as i was sett'n my hair...who could this LARRY be?

would this be someone like 60's sex symbol major Nelson Riley from "I DREAM OF JEANIE" played by veteran character actor Larry Hagman? (who gave me major wood in reruns back in the 80's)

or could it be 1/3 of the comedic trio involve'n those bumblin' brothers from "THE THREE STOOGES" Larry Fine? (then i realized he died 20 years earlier after a quik google search)

i didn't really care to be honest...as long as it wasn't...

some colostomitic call-in host that resembled that bag of bones bein held together by his suspenders  and Ron Popeil spray paint fer the follically challenged...Larry King

BUTT anyways...

2 hours later as i was flipp'n thru my latest issue of INCHES magazine...

there would be a mysterious knock at my front door so i jumped gingerly off my crushed green velvet couch and opened the door to see who it was...and trust me when i say i was absolutely blown away...cuz the gentleman caller looked just like the spitt'n image stunt double to Mel Gibson...straight off the set of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

well...i don't have to tell you...i was a smitten kitten!

well...i immediately invited him inside from the rain fer a nite cap without 

realize'n it was only 2 in the afternoon...so of  course i was ready fer some delightful "conversation" cuz my sky rocket was already in flight...thankfully i managed to compose myself and asked him if he was here fer the briefcase

shake'n his head...in his loosely fit beige slacks...he threw me a devilish 

lil grin and with the raise of his sweaty left brow...i knew right away this was not gonna end in a simple handshake (nor did i want it to)

he had a bit of an agenda of his own that i would soon come to find out

he told me that he enjoyed watch'n me perform on stage fer the past month at the Gay 90's and then he would proceed to follow me a few times a nite as i waited patiently fer the metro transit #4 to take me home until i was dropped off 2 blocks from my shithole before he would devise his deviously devilish plan to get my attention...though i should'a been shocked as shit he told me all this...i have to admit...i was a bit turned on by my middle of the nite stalker

as he drew himself closer and closer into my own personal bubble...i felt

the restless natives down below dance'n in my danger zone...as his chest burst free from his blazer...i could smell the intoxicate'n blend of irish spring body soap and just a simple spicy spritz of Drakkar Noir putt'n me under his spell

i felt like a sacrificial kitten in my lamb skinned nighty (that was remarkably open) absolutely helpless to resist and really...why the fuck would i?

the dam was ready to burst on his britches as my newly acquired stalker

 was ready to deflower me so he asked me if i had ever had "daddy dick" as he slowly unzipped (he was old enough to be my parental guardian since i was 25 after all) his mammoth mouth water'n manwich flopped out (the first encounter i ever had with a legendary "throat plunger")

 i swear this king kong cock had it's own area code and landing strip...if he

had a twin brother i totally could'a learned how to do the double dutch finally...unfortunately i had awkwardly explained to him...

that my dad had passed away from leukemia when i was 9 and pedophelia wasn't really his thing (ps...total boner killer if you start talk'n about yer dead dad when there's a throbb'n prick present)

so he hadda quickly explain in his best deep throated JEFF STRYKER porn voice to me that he was only talk'n specifically about role play'n banter to which i had never been privy to yet in my litany of liaisons at the time (which were few and far between the sheets) so the next thing i knew...

sorry kittens...this is where yer unsalted altered unilateral imagination will be kick'n in 

(so cum to yer own dirty lil cockclusions)

in the end it turns out that the great pipe hype was just my type...and even 

though my dangerous liaison wasn't THAT dangerous after all (just a lil eepy cree) i met him 3 more times...in 3 more ways...albeit never in a 3way...should i have? well that's all u need to know i guess...

now GET OFF MY DRESS! 

I WONDER?

picture it kittens...the year was 1976...our 38th prez GERALD FORD was

the 1st and only one to this date that got to pass go and collect $200g's a year by move'n into that neoclassical styled sherman-williams whisper white painted air b&b in D.C. who was N-E-V-E-R elected as vice prez or top gun in command...it was more like he won the lotto of politicks

STARLAND VOCAL BAND wanted everyone to have an "AFTERNOON DELIGHT" durin' the summer of '76 which reached the top spot on the charts with their overtly sexually suggestive lyrics (sorry kittens...apparently they lost all their millions in their dirty divorces to afford to have any gif's made...so deal with their studio shot)

SYLVESTER STALLONE played steroidal boxer "ROCKY" which was beat this live'n shit outta the competition at the theaters to take the #1 spot rake'n in an impressive $117 mill...which is roughly like over half a billion benjamins if it were released today (thankyou mister calculator)

there were many comic book heros we all used to watch that had totally

captured the imagination fer all of us Gen X'ers grow'n up from "SHAZAM!" "THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN" "THE INCREDIBLE HULK" "THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN" THE BIONIC WOMAN" and "THE SECRETS OF ISIS" to name a few

however...it was the blue eyed raven beauty LYNDA CARTER who was   

 on the hit drama series "WONDER WOMAN" that really captured the essence of all my inspirational inclinations and really sucked me in week after week...play'n duel roles as an undercover worker in the war department as DIANA PRINCE and spun into the woman of wonder when mysterious and/or trouble'n situations would arise...which was spinn'n outta control on tv fer 3 sensational seasons in the mid 70's and constantly spinn'n in my mind make'n me so absofuckinglutely mesmerized and stupefied as to how in the fuck she could transform into her star spangled corset...lie detector lasso and her bullet proof bracelets at least 3 times durin' an episode without have'n to do a single load of laundry

and i was just enter'n my very 1st year of hell (umm i mean kinder garden)

so of course i had to test out LYNDA's theory fer practicality reasons and fer 4 months straight (the only time i may have ever been) i was on the playground at Jefferson school in my fav-o-rit pair of light shit brown faux leather cowboy boots spinn'n around look'n like some sorta schizophrenic gerbil hopped up on hits of acid until the snow fell and i would eventually wear out the bottoms of my boots slipp'n on the ice and crack'n my head open in the process only to be gifted a handful of stiches that xmas but was forced to keep my shit kickers the rest of my school year with the souls held together by duct tape cuz there was no bottomless pit of frivolous funds on the farm to keep me accustomed to the lifestyle i believed i thought i deserved then that i still haven't found to this very day

once the stitches were removed i'm pretty sure my dad hadda sit me down

since he got me hooked on the series in the first place and explain to me the magic of hollyweird...though these days i make others wonder how i can turn a tooth chipper into a twat simply known as the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe KRYSTAL KLEER

BUTT...seriously!

though i'll admit still after all these years...i'm very much fascinated by the

superior spinn'n powers of WONDER WOMAN...desperately yearn'n to be just like her and still try'n to make that ball of explosion happen when i duck into the latrine 5 minutes before i need to clock out at work...unfortunately now in my advanced years...i'm spinn'n circles in my head instead cuz I WONDER where the H-E-double hockey stix i put my damn keys after tear'n my apartment apart like the fuck'n neurotic tazmanian devil until i realize that i've been hold'n onto 'em fer the past 20 annoy'n minutes?

I WONDER how to get my dumb ass to remember the new pass code after i just literally redid it 2 seconds ago to get into my smart phone and computer?

I WONDER why i always ferget all of a sudden what i was just gonna say when i end up think'n about something else?

I WONDER why i always ferget all of a sudden what i was just gonna say when i end up think'n about something else?

wait...what?

I WONDER what the hell it was i was look'n fer once when i headed out to the grocery store 20 minutes away after leave'n the list i made on the counter back home after doin a complete inventory of everything i specifically wrote down that i needed even though i was just walk'n out the door to go meet a friend fer cocktails at the corner bar a block away?

I WONDER if it's just my plump A double snakes try'n to discretely "break silent wind" or that pepperoni pizza with jalapeño's...banana peppers and extra gorgonzola cheese on top from the other nite that's try'na break outta my outer rim while on my daily walk thru the mouse trap skyway system durin' my break?

I WONDER why durin' the winter months when my narcolepsy decides to kick in shortly after my dinner at 6 pm only to wake an hour later completely disoriented stare'n at the clock on the microwave like a lobotomized lentil...then suddenly jump off the couch in complete panic when the clock comes into focus and i immediately jump into the shower and dress as fast as possible cuz i think it's 7am and i'm about to miss the bus fer work just cuz my microwave clock has no am or pm on it and it's still dark out?

I WONDER what part of my body plans on fall'n off me next?

I WONDER why are the fuck'n ingredients on the fuck'n food boxes so fuck'n teenie tiny?

I WONDER why in the sam hell i still play the lotto after all these years of not winn'n a goddamn penny?

I WONDER if you care that i'm still here write'n my non sensical gibberish after 12 years?

but most of all I WONDER where the fuck my mind went?

 eh...oh well...GET OFF MY DRESS!

DONKEY PUNCH

picture it kittens...it was 2015 the year of the goat if you follow that voodoo

Rey and Ren were slice'n up the theaters with the latest in Lucas's sci-fi soap opera...

homo's and hetero's shared in the misery of matrimony together fer the 1st time in history in all 50 states...

and we said good bye to everyone's fav-o-rit Klingon

BUTT that ain't all...

so there i was one hot lazy summer afternoon after come'n home from a 

difficult day at the park try'na sell pencils to a class of blind kids and suddenly i received a "viewer discretion advised" phone call outta the blue from someone i had chatted to on the phone lines earlier in the week (this was a year before my smartphone purchase when i still relied on my imagination) who was want'n to do some sorta Jane Fonda work-out with me so i thought to myself hey...i hadn't met my charitable quota this particular year at that point yet so WHY NOT!

trust me...you'da said the same thing if you were me and thank CHER ya

ain't...anywho'zll'ding ding...my mysterious caller hadda remind me who he was since this was pre-smart phone days fer me so i opened up my roloxdicks of imagination when he described himself

once he had arrived to my shitbox (and ps...that is a pretext just FYI)

there was no time fer small talk...my biological clock was tick'n while he was lick'n his chops this particular afternoon and cuz...well...there was nothin' small about him

built like a shit brick house we started  huff'n and a puff'n like 2 pigs at a

pie bake-off at the county fair...not a care in the world and trust me...he was more than ready to blow my house down as was i (insert evil wink here)

as he assumed his fav-o-rit position...i put on my fav Burt Bacharach record

that had been collect'n dust since the last dance to get me in the mood then the sweat started pour'n like a monsoon in may in minutes

seriously kittens...you'da swore it was a full moon...

cuz i could not shut this howl'n prowler up!

everything was goin exhaustingly well...that is...until...

a small but definitely distinct draft came outta the south at 2 miles per hour...i had just punched into Charlie’s Chocolate factory and believe when i say…i wasn’t too damn happy to get this weather report…it was my damn day off!

hey accidents happen...so instead of make'n him feel like crap 

since i was now marinate'n in it...i sent him off to soak in some calgon's cool bouquet fer a minute or so while i took a mini birdy bath in the kitchen sink and then it was back to Maxine Nightingale'n it once again

round 2 was goin perfect...UNTIL...that is...i was back at Charlie's

WTF? i mean as hot as this guy was...i shouldn't have to be punch'n into this kinda work on my days off...just 4 and 1/2 minutes later (hey i was watch'n the clock since my egg timer was broken)

cue another much need birdy bath

i was all set to pay my tab and get goin...but he begged and i figered

fine...yer my charitable act fer the decade and 3rd times is usually a charm right? HA! does NO go with WAY?

he had finally got his sky rockets in flight...however there would be no 

afternoon delight fer me this particular afternoon and fer once in my life i didn't give 2 shits since he had bequeathed me 3!

HEY...i'm a damn unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n

illusionist of my own universe...i shouldn't have to put up with any of this shit...L-I-T-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y…so i hope this finally clears up any questions about my fornicational position fer all you Gladys Kravitz's of the planet since yer always ask'n me fer some ungodly reason cuz i ain't save'n myself fer no damn aisle either...however that's a whole other episode 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!