THE WAY WE WERE

picture it kittens...the year was 1973 and K-K-K-K-ATIE MOROSKY who

was played by that semi operatic anti war protestor BARBARA STREISAND fall'n in love with this uppity waspy classmate of hers that had his sites set on hollyweird named HUBBEL played by the righteous ROBERT REDFORD who could barely remember "THE WAY WE WERE" by film's end

CARLY SIMON topped the charts by bottom'n out all those egotistical narcissist's everywhere with her backhand sammich hit "YOU'RE SO VAIN"

and WALTER CRONKITE delivered the devastate'n news to all right wing maniacal anti abortionists everywhere

BUTT let's move on if you can...

fast forward to 42 years later (8 years back) and i found myself relive'n 

key elements of that time in space from 1973 (thanx to a FB memories reminder) see...i've been in the biz of show off and on fer the better part of 25+ years now and lemme tell you...things can get petty ugly at the drop of a dildo

with PRIDE month finally cumm'n to a close...i found myself reminisce'n 

of the last time when i participated in PRIDE...it felt as if i was right in the middle of a bad episode about some petty and bilious reality show once the claws came out durin' one pitiful PRIDE event after some piteous pigeon toed piranha tried pour'n a glass of pinot misery on my parade

so puff on yer virgina slims while slurp'n on a delicate glass of 2 buck chuck and enjoy this trip down memory lame

many many moons ago my sensationally savvy CEO and simply sublime

VP of my fan club had inquired about throw'n a new bash atop a certain downtown rooftop eatery fer PRIDE weekend in the Minne-Apple to try and wake up plus shake up this tired city...

with a taste of glorification and grandeur that this town had been so desperately lack'n fer (let's be honest) years sadly

we were toss'n up idea's as to who could pack the punchline in the lunch 

 line dur'in the annual non heterosexual parade...someone who was in yer face like date rape mace...someone quick with the whip that's still pretty hip...someone clever and funny so we opted fer LADY BUNNY

of course what roof top party would be completely complete without a lil

sprinkle'n of just a few savory eyesores eye candy butt models from Andrew Christian give'n away free underwear (and maybe even a few std's if yer lucky enough to get their number)

and then suddenly it was as if a tantrum tornado started to whip up from the west!

well...deposits were paid fer BUNNY and the boys at this unnamed eatery

nonetheless leave it to some self-centered bloated pig in wig to toss a pissy hissy!

trust me...she ain't worth mention'n (though i've worked with her before) even if she may be artistically inclined with floral arrangements by drown'n 'em in glitter and glow lites dur'in the holidays...

 she's nothin' but a maniacal merlot bore...nothing more and then i started hear'n rumors around town that she professed how she was the "MADONNA" of the Minne-Apple and that she made boat loads of benjamins every year at her brunch salad bar while she would have one of her many epic merlot meltdowns though she was extremely elated when she heard that some "huge corporation" wanted to sponsor her sad soiree...

here's the deal-o unfortunately (i hate to be the bearer of bad news) the "HUGE CORPORATION" she was referr'n to was the CEO and VP of MY fan club...and truth be told...this annual event had been loose'n money year after year which was in dire need of a defibrillator with a new name and a new cast that could bring it back to life and bring in the big bucks...however...the owner did not see eye to eye with my fan club members...

 cuz even though he lost money year after year...he felt some loyalty to this self-involved eye sore...nonetheless said we could still do the party as planned as long as they forked over a bundle to cover his loses from the past 3 years before we would see a profit

 so my VP pulled the plug on the whole damn show and skedaddled outta dodge...though CUNT WEEDS was goin around town tell'n those who wished they could rearrange their DNA in the form of Helen Keller...that she had stolen the party out from under us...

 Alex...i'd like to take "delightfully delusional" fer $1000 pleez?

 though i was a bit disappointed...i was in no way expect'n the board of my fan club to cover someone else's mistakes...so i tucked in my tail and moved on as well

that is...until i recently read an article written by some snoreville ink slinger

who worked at some local mag rag mention'n how said CUNT had done floral arrangements fer the QUEEN's birthday bash

 and helped in the redecoration of Prince's throw pillows at Paisley Park in the 90's

 Miss "my name's on the marquee" drops as many names as fast as she drops her glass of wine and in the 15 some years that i've known this self diluted drunk...not ONCE was the QUEEN ever mentioned...

so i put on my Angela Lansbury cap and did a lil investigate'n...
only to find out that she was fired from the Paisley Park staff after a day fer bad mouth'n her boss and steal'n material from the purple paisley man himself...

 so there was no need to delve into this rubbish any further though my ghost writer (IVANA P) decided to write a retort to said fabricational story in some shitty monthly rag said "reporter" worked at to set the record straight once and fer all:

"seriously?...there's more holes in that story than a slice of swiss cheese 

and Bonnie & Clyde put together...this is just a poorly written episode of PR FLUF~N~STUFF!

if you REALLY want an exclusive...lemme tell you about the time me and 

Madonna decided to get away fer the weekend by hopp'n aboard the Starship Enterprise to the planet Uranus...

and had tiki cocktails and kiki dances with the likes of Cher and Ruth Bader Ginsburg"

now i won't give away this "reporter's" identity...cuz really...her legacy

and "integrity" is at stake apparently...H-O-W-E-V-E-R...fer visual purposes to this hard hitt'n story thru journalistic fantasy land...lets just call her "PELICAN"

this is the actual transcript between me and said "reporter"...

 via FB due to my simple freedom of speech

08/06/2015 15:26 

"just so you know, I'm deleting your rude comment."

08/06/2015 15:58

"just so you know...it's all PR fluff"

08/06/2015 15:58

 "Well, I wrote the article so I take offense to you publicly questioning my integrity. Please don't. If you have and issue with Richard (CUNT WEEDS), please send him a private message."

08/06/2015 16:01

"delete'n my comment is as humorous as that fairy tale yer try'n to sell to yer readers"

 

08/06/2015 16:36

"You can keep your rudeness to yourself."

08/06/2015 16:41

"you call it rudeness...i call it a comment to yer delusionally fabricated story"

"but i'm not the one try'n to win the Brian Williams reporter of the year award!"

and scene!

so there you have it kittens...the real story how it ALL really went down

all them years ago!

i look back and know that i have grown from this experience...however...

you fuck with a virgo bull...yer just ask'n fer my glittered horns!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

FANN'N THE FLAMERS

what a weeks it's been...with the heat index rise'n up like a fickle phoenix 

from the proverbial flames make'n it as hot as a hooker at a hootenanny ho-down in Havana...i finally broke down and ran to the $1.25 store and picked up a roll of leftover Lilo and Stitch duct tape from 10 years ago to MacGyver up my air condition'n unit in the live'n room window to give me some much needed relief in my briefs...sweat'n like a banshee in the Bermuda Triangle while listen'n to my Connie Francis 45 collection and thankfully 45 minutes later it was up and runn'n make'n it feel like i was kick'n it down the frozen food section of the Piggly Wiggly in my Holly Hobby flannel nitey with the butt cut out

last time i remember it bein this hot out was when i woke up one morn'n 

barely able to see thanx to some overly active Tom of Finland buff puff daddy bouncer in his early late 40's with a loaded throat plunger who i met via the phone lines right after i purchased my 1st set of wheels in my late early 20's who decided to use my mug as target practice and splatter my face like a semi automatic paint ball gun give'n me a bad case of glaucoma or somethin' like that so i immediately popped in the shower then on down to the neighborhood Pearle Necklace Vision to purchase a pair of goggles with detachable windshield wipers fer the next time and it made me think of the recent heated moments reek'n havoc across the country try'na celebrate PRIDE

let's begin with the whole read'n rainbow incident that happened recently

at a public library in the San Francisco Bay area which treated a bunch of kids with their parents to story time by local drag personality PANDA DULCE who's been host'n the event since 2017 when they were rudely interrupted by a parade of anally unfuckable cool ranch dorito maniacs with spermicidal issues try'n to teach the audience what happens to yer brain when you eat too much glittered paste and huff on one too many of those fruit flavored magic markers at an early age

of course leave it to some dick lesion in the sunshine state Tony the teeny weeny Sabatini who's propose'n legislation to basically terminate a parents parental rights if they are caught take'n their own children to a drag show and slap em with a felony...cuz you know...things like gun legislation and vote'n rights issues are peanuts in comparison though it’s probably cuz he's been bitter ever since he was never crowned in the Miss Tight Ass Titty Queen 2015 competition

whether it's cuz these insecure closet cases are beat'n off in a bathtub

full of holy water to their fav-o-rit sonnets from that ancient comic book by CASPER while slurp'n down a big gulp of communal wine or not...these GOP dick nazi's and their unnecessarily barbaric anti-gay bills that they're try'na push into laws across the country WILL NOT automatically turn their little puke buckets into pole dance'n dick lickers or clammy capers just cuz they learn a lil about people like OSCAR...QUENTIN or VIRGINIA

SERIOUSLY...if that's their lame logic then i would'a ended up just like them...yer typical all american schlitz malt liquored pot pie'd prize fight'n ass pimple 

after i became a beauty school drop-out!

BUTT there's more...

if you thought that was as painful as purple polka dotted palazzo pants

in Paducah Kentucky...image bein a part of these anally intrigued PROUD BOYS who were recently demasked and demoralized after their pix were published plott'n to "party" at some Idaho PRIDE event 

and outed by the Couer d'Alene police along with their names (in case you wanna...you know...FB 'em fer a comment or ask 'em to be yer +1 at the next VFW jitterbug championship try-outs) that was unfortunately foiled by a concerned ferry trapper keeper who caught them all pile'n into the back of a U-haul dressed in khaki's with shin guards and smoke grenades'... 

however without a disco ball...a barrel of spermicidal lubrications...personalized fans or any other sorta homosexual irony

though of course now we F-I-N-A-L-L-Y know who is behind all those blank profiles on Grindr!

in cuntclusion...i wish there was a way that we could all just cum together 

to celebrate with all those non homosexuals who feel heavily disenfranchised...shunned by society daily and meticulously murdered monthly without any sorta sadistic reprehensible ritualistic repercussions in some savory savoir flaire fashion more than just the 365 days that they already have to celebrate without persecution...however until another day is invented...may i suggest if you ever wanna stop "US" from infiltrate'n yer schools...yer tv shows...yer hair salons...yer over priced restaurants or yer back alley pool halls...perhaps try jamm'n yer junk in a light socket "Jonathan's" and blow'n yer box apart with a bunch of bottle rockets "Bernice's" cuz that's the ONLY way yer ever gonna rid the planet of "US" kittens since it takes 2 of you to make millions of "US"!

HAPPY PRIDE & puhleez Jesus...Mary Kate and Ashley Simpson on a flakey graham cracker crust...GET OFF MY DRESS!