CONFECTIONARY CHAOS pt 1

close yer eyes and picture it kittens...the time...let's just go with the 16th

century...why not! the land scattered with fair maidens...bumble'n sheriffs and a sly witty foxy acherist with his band of merry men who could shoot an arrow thru the air with the greatest of ease make'n them glide like the precision of the russian ballet...steal'n from the rich basturds and give'n to the poor

now let's hop in our delorean and fast forward to 3 centuries later

where corruption and chaos ensued across a centralized area of the US...

thanx in part to thee most famous duo...and i ain't talk'n about Orelean & Jarvis Hufflenagel and his terrify'n tambourine act...

no...i speakith of one Bonnie and Clyde the bank robb'n bandits...who terrified the country in the 1930's...steal'n from the banks and basically not give'n back to the those suffer'n from the great depression...which seriously i'da give'n em a pass if they had cuz banks are FDIC insured anyways fer that sorta shit anyways!

and of course who couldn't ferget about Breathless Mahoney dance'n fer her dolla's under the clutches of Big Boy Caprice and his band of misfits in the early 90's

i myself also got caught up in the romance of the wild wild midwest...

back in summer of 1985 to be perfectly honest...simply outta sheer boredom one nite of course cuz SIMPLE MINDS damn video fer "DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME" was still the #1 video fer the 4th straight week on Mtv's top 20 video countdown in may of that year which i was like completely over it 3 weeks earlier...as you could imagine

totally hogg'n the spotlight from M's teenage crush ballad "CRAZY FOR YOU"

although it did knock out that annoy'n as fucklestix charity whiner "WE ARE THE WORLD" even if the song was fer a good cause...plus i just felt like LaToya was lyp-sync'n the entire damn time to be perfectly honest

BUTT...let’s F-O-C-U-S....

so my friend...we'll call him fer the purposes of anonymity...hmmmm...

gimme one sec...oh i know...how about X-a-v-i-e-r (even though he was far from bein' some sorta exotic brazillian adult entertainer)

he looked more like some pill popp'n alcoholic housewife with insomnia issues...in acid wash jeans (hey it was 1985...don't be a judgmental judy) so he calls me up frantically one even'n in the summer of '85 and proceeds to tell me to high tale my plump monkey ass out to his place...like pronto!

feel'n the urgency in his voice...i scurried up the steps to my bathroom

and reapplied my bonnie bell uncola (but totally cool) lip smacker...due to the fact that my lips were dry as the Sahara desert that particular even'n cuz of the barometric pressure in the air or lack there of (i 'm just sett'n a backdrop to the story kittens) winged my eyes with my jet black wet n wild eyeliner once again...rebuilt my bug shield with extra super hold aqua-net...

and hopp'd on my schwinn mobile (anise red) and flew off like a hornet in heat to his home in Homer which was a leisurely 20 minute ride (though i knew he wanted me there yesterday) so i hadda pump up my cardio this particular even'n and fly thru the bike paths around lake Winona 

like a bat outta Meatloaf hell...

which anyone grow'n up in the 80's on a hot humid nite knows NEVER to bike around the lakes of Winona...unless you wanna be viciously attacked by an army of those fuck'n fish flies

once i reached the other end of the lakes my entire bonnie bell uncola smacked lips were no longer cool but more like a sticky land'n strip and my aqua-netted bug shield looked more like some Pablo Pissed-off-Caso masterpiece with suicidal fish flies...each harpooned into my sharp split ends and needless to say i was no longer happy nor hungry fer this adventure in the middle of the nite any longer

by the time i had reached my final destination i noticed a vend'n truck in Rick's i mean Xavier's driveway...his mother "Matilda" rented the upstairs of her house (the same place i would eventually rent years later) to a guy who worked fer the local vend'n machine company and apparently came home one even'n a bit inebriated and fergot to check if the doors 

of his vehicle were locked....so Xavier (always bein' a bit of a snoopy snoop that he was) found out the renter fergot to lock the back doors and when we popped em open it was as if we'd opened the pearly gates of some confectionery heaven...

it was like a diabetics dream house inside!

though my taste buds were more in tune with the dolly madison delights...

what normal 15 year old is gonna pass up the opportunity to have a school years worth of bribery fer the classroom fucktard to leave you alone 

as me...Xavier and his nephew and my bff at the time...that we'll just refer

to him as Big Lipps Magee from here on out...flung open the massive twinkie embossed doors with all our might and jumped up inside the unlit truck...in the still of that dark humid july nite...

i barely made it 2 feet inside before stubb'n my fake doc marten combat boot and flopp'n over on a heavy object that projectiled me to the front of the van...so Xavier jumped out quick to grab a flashlight from Big Lipps Magee ma's gold lame colored shit mobile that we planned on use'n as our get-a-way car to see what was block'n our stash of sugary satisfactions fer years to come

once Xavier had assessed the situation with his roam'n flashlight...

we found somethin' so much more deliciously distract'n than what we had anticipated or ever expected to our surprise...

tune in next week fer the excruciate'n conclusion to CONFECTIONARY CHAOS

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

pony up!

if absence makes the heart grow fonder…

then give'n it up makes you feel…you know…a lil worn out after a few hours…don'it?

charity is so very...what's the word i'm look'n for? oh yes...

time consume'n...but bein forced to live the low life as an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...there are very few high lights that make me feel complete as a non celebrated celebrity...like have'n to care fer my own damn garments...or have'n someone else pick up the tab on the town once in a while

now don't think i'm some cheap charity case...only look'n fer hand-outs...

oh no!...sometimes i'd also appreciate a complimentary hand-job from time to time...as much as i'd appreciate the other finer thing in life...like not splatter'n yer fornicational paint all over my non scotch guarded couch when yer my charity case fer the week

the only charity worth give'n to...is the charity that gives back TO YOU!

i've done my fair share of contribute'n to the delinquency of a minor...

society...to make my self worth...worth anything...but it ain't worth a pot to piss in unless yer able to brag about it to others less charitable than you

like fer instance...in my pre-pubescent pre-fame days...a group of about 10 of my very closest and dearest friends that vowed we'd never loose touch...

that i've secretly replaced their memories with other more important idols

would stop at the local HAPPY CHEF fer bottomless coffee fer a quarter nite after school...occupy'n a couple of sectionals fer a couple of hours...consume'n enough java to keep Juan Valdez crack'n the whip in the Colombian bean fields til the wee hours of the morn'n

on one particular even'n...this one particular waiter coped an attitude...

possibly due to our teenage angst riddled looks...especially mine...and made it impeccably impossible to warrant any sort of monetary charitable compensation...from at least me anyways...fer their lack of service with a smile...regardless if we were only order'n refills or not...so i decided to do the next best thing and correct them of their debilitate'n disease known as assholism...at the same time teach'n him how to read in dyslexian

but all was not wasted on said waiter...as i heard...years later they ended up in a trailer with 13 cats...knitt'n afghans fer armenians...so it felt good to pass off the charitable baton

my charitable acts have also extended into my own personal love life...

by date'n the socially retarded...the emotionally unavailable...and the chemically dependent...it was a duty that i felt needed to be done as an upstand'n non heterosexual…since i'm barely stand'n in an upright position…to give them a chance to be seen in a better light...and in return...they gave me somethin' nothin' a doctor couldn't cure within 3 to 6 weeks

but there's a plethora of celebrity endorsed charities out there that are completely laughable...mainly just try'n to balance out their own inflated over blown ego's with a charity attached to their name...unfortunately...

a majority of the donations always ended up in someone else's GUCCI girdle instead of thee intended recipients

so i figure why not donate to a charity case that at least makes me laugh...

so i searched high n low fer a charitable contribution along the informational highway one afternoon that i knew would benefit me best...and discovered that internationally known funny gal pal of stage and screen and everything in between...JACKIE BEAT...was genuinely in need of wheel barrel of wealth pronto fer a hip replacement...

at first i thought about digg'n up ol' violet eyes herself...since she had the cadillac of hip replacements back in the day and was no longer in need of them…cuz it might be a good way to help save some expenses...but apparently this was not an option...so since JACKIE had restarted my non existent career many moons ago...i decided to dip into my Guatemalan maid's change purse and make a change...by help'n out with her pelvic problems since she'd been suffer'n fer her art...literally fer a long time....and in return...she's give'n me many more years of inspiration

but you don't need to fall apart at the seams to be worthy of my donation...

i had a lil pow wow session with the woman of 1000 voices...

Nadya Ginsburg...best known fer her spot on impersonations of Cher and Winona Ryder among many others...but best loved and admired thru-out the land as...

the QUEEN herself...

who was desperately seek'n susan a boat load of benjamins to 

kick start her very own web series "MADONNALOGUES"...

so after given my hometown of the Minne-Apple a shout out in her plea...i decided to put down the pipe fer a couple of days...and generously donated to a much worthier cause...

and after see'n what my simple sacrifice has done...trust me...it was well worth my charitable contribution

see the original to really appreciate Nadya's incredibly enormous talent...and look fer her web series "MADONNALOGUES" come'n soon!

everyone dreams of strike'n it rich...whether it be play'n the slots...digg'n up some buried treasure in yer backyard...perhaps pick'n the right lotto #'s...

or simply just wait'n fer that often ignored relative in the raisin ranch to kick the can so you can collect yer win'ns

well there are other ways to get rich quick feel rich...simply by enrich'n the life of a complete stranger...maybe it's the homeless person with the peg leg and a glass eye...the pregnant teen hook'n fer heinekens...or just maybe...

 it's a benefit to benefit a little burlesque beauty with huge hilarious skills…like SELENE LUNA

i first discovered SELENE as lil Lourdes Marie Veronica Ciccone Leon and her partner in crime Nadya Ginsburg while whore'n around on YouTube...instead of the street one even'n

this burlesque beauty...stand-up comic…activist…dance club diva and star of such films like "MY BLOODY VALENTINE"...found herself recently with excruciate'n hip pain and bein' in the biz called show...call'n in sick...is never really an option…

so her good friend Margaret Cho...along with a list of other very talented artists...have decided to help out with a lil laughter fer yer benefit to help benefit SELENE...since she's unable to make any moolah to just pay fer the essentials in life cuz she's unable to perform while gett'n the therapy she so desperately needs...

if yer in the LA area or surround'n burbs on sat may 24th…or just wanna plan yer family vacation...same sex wedd'n after party...briss or bar mitzvah around this fabulous event…
get tickets here

but even if yer not in the LA area…you can simply help out SELENE here til she's back on her feet

fer change to happen...YOU must make a change...

so start by change'n yer shitty shorts and yer shitty attitude...ferget about slurp'n on another iced mocha caramel laced latte crappichino...or choke'n down a bucket of chicken wings...put down that crack pipe...return that fancy schmancy lacy panty set after a nite of try'n to recapture some youth (wait...that don't smell right..scratch that)...and pony up some change fer a change to a worthy cause...whatever cause it may be...cuz in the end...you'll change the world!

i'm outta my mind Sally Struthers!

now get off my dress!