thanx for CHER'n pt 2

just like the old fairy tale goes by one Miss Sarkisian from the late 90's

you can make a glow'n headdress look like you spent a million bux on it (with only 5 actual benjamins) by purchase'n 10 feet of fiber optic tube'n and a can of spray glitter glue from yer local craft store...just make sure not to store it in a hot steamy closet without ventilation dur'in the summer months in MN cuz of the high humidity...

or it'll melt into some sorta unrecognizable science project and ruin yer fav-o-rit pair of A-double snake hugg'n acid wash girbauds that you've been carry'n around with you fer the better part of 10+ years...just cuz yer hope'n you can squeeze yer very plump and supple A-double snakes back into em some day (true story)

in case yer a late comer (of which i am not privy too) catch up here kittens

and now the excite'n conclusion to "thanx fer CHER'n" pt 2

as i was gett'n ready to leave the RITZ that nite...i was stopped by 

a presence that i hadn't felt from my forcefulness in some time...this guy just sitt'n outside enjoy'n a chilled glass of  "give it to me" with the floral bouquets from the urine soaked streets of Hell's Kitchen permeate'n the air...completely stopp'n me in my very tracks once we made visual contact and said gentleman caller started chatt'n me up...H-E-L-L-O!...why not!

OH OH OH...no..WAIT a CHER fuck'n minute...i'm gett'n a head of myself

(and i don't even know the 1st thing about auto felicito...though seriously...i'm about ready to sign up fer some seminar somewhere...so anybody out there read'n this...send me yer thoughts) before i move on with this never end'n sordid life of mine...i gotta tell you about how i met STEVIE FUCK'N NICKS at the RITZ...well...it wasn't the actual real STEVIE NICKS...it was more like some fabulous impersonational reflection...but they actually sang her live at the "a nite of a 1000 STEVIE'S"...i was introduced to fellow performer by Dr Octopus earlier...and though he was a dash of stand-offish at 1st impression i thought...(well...to be fair...i WAS under the influence of jim beam or johnny walker...i can't remember)

(as most are when they are in the presence of an unintentionally internationally perform'n illusionist of their own universe...it's the name of the game i've had to relish in my entire dimly lit career)...she impressed the fuck outta me by gett'n me killer seats to "the CHER SHOW" in seconds on my cell...so i will be ferever grateful fer his kind gesture (plus...he hadda certain jena se quois about her i couldn't shake) so anywho'zill'ding...back to the presence outside

the rain had somewhat subsided...so i decided to pop a squat and shoot

 the shit with my newly adopted AA partner in crime as Dr Octopus decided he'd had enough fer the even'n...and after a few medicinal cocktails...turns out my new partner was a stylist to the stars...most notably...Miss Wind Machine...excuse me...i mean MARIAH SCAREY...among many many others...i was completely transfixed on his sordid stories and felt so dirty on all the titillation he was serve'n up...like an STD on any give'n hook-up site...

a few hours later we ended up chatt'n biz chatter over more tasty cocktails and over priced munchies at some tasty restaurant around the corner...where we met a lovely aussie fam complete with child...on a mini vaca from the land down unda

as the clock struck past my prime hour...it was time to start count'n sheep

so he gave me his cell number...his work number...his email...his undergarment size...his next of kin  and a sperm sample and we said we'd stay in touch...since we decided to collab on a secret project togetha (that DIDN'T involve the exchange of bodily fluids...you pervie) and i meant it!

by morn'n...i was pissed...well cuz mother nature decided to piss on my

parade with a non stop down pour all morn'n...and i was in no mood to become more a puddle than i already was...at least i had "the CHER SHOW" to look forward to later on that afternoon before my former vice prezident of my fan club would make his way from Montauk to meet me after the show

after 3 hours held up in my sweet suite on the 5th floor over look'n the 

soulvaki vendor from down below...i decided to pull up my britches and stop bitch'n about the rain...as clearly mother nature wanted to continue to fuck with me fer the entire day...so i ventured out to locate the theater i'd be occupy'n later...and luckily fer me...turns out it was only 5 simple blocks away

mother nature decided to take a lil siesta...thank CHER...so i popped into

a quaint lil hospital that just happened to be adjacent to the theater...and i thought i'd fill out a couple of my much needed prescriptions before all the madness would begin

2 hours later...and 40 minutes stand'n in line while mother nature decided

once again to empty her fuck'n bladder all over the anxious crowd gather'n around the theater doors...then BAMMM!!...the doors finally opened up like a hooker on holiday and i was inside wait'n patiently fer the house lights to go down in my kick ass seats (10th row a lil off center...fer half the cost) that "STEVIE" had gotten me from the nite before

i don't wanna spoil it fer ANYONE plann'n on make'n their way to the BIG 

APPLE to see it...cuz even if yer not a CHER fan (and why wouldn't you be anyways bitter betty) this is one show NOT TO BE MISSED seriously!...the costumes...the drama...the music...when the world ends...it is completely true what they say...that the only things left will be cockroaches and CHER...she has survived sooo much...suffice it to say...

i was left completely and absofuckinglutely BLOWN AWAY by thee entire cast...(and fer once...it's cuz of the cast AND NOT by someone stowed away under my chair kittens) 

though i could'a done without the damn fossils ferment'n in ben-gay sitt'n to my right...that kept chomp'n on a bag of cool ranch dorito's like a couple of damn rude schizophrenic chipmunks who'd never seen a broadway production in their entire fuck'n life...luckily by act 2 their oxygen tank needed to be recharged or somethin like that...so i was no longer tempted to punch em in the throat and sell their pearly whites to the highest bidder on ebay!

an hour later i'd meet up with my former vice prezident...but not before

popp'n in next door once again to replenish my medicinal drip and rave to the doc behind the counter about how much i absofuckinglutely loved the show and slamm'n down a couple more cast'n call cocktails

never mind the rest of the shenanigans that happened fer the remainder

of my mini vaca kittens...i'll just leave you with this...don't ever try and fool mother nature!

though...mother nature never stopped piss'n on my parade the rest of my

vaca...i was a bit grateful fer her showers...cuz hours before i hadda head to the airport...me and my co-pilot gotta full service send-off from this gentle and completely grrrrranimalistic gigantic hot tamale @ POSH BAR & LOUNGE on 405 w 51st st in Hell's Kitchen (pop on by if yer in his 

'hood...tell em Krystal sent ya)...who seriously had me reconsider'n an offer to switch my flight til the next day...BUTT alas...

(and trust me when i say...he had THAT...and a HELLUVA LOT MORE)

unfortunately i just left with a terrible terrible tooth ache...cuz her was just sooo super sweet!

(if yer begg'n fer more...and wanna go south of his border visually speak'n of course...& i know some of you pervie's out there are just die'n to...you can follow him on instagram @ sanpedronyc)

of course thee above mentioned vaca was to prep myself fer the 4th fab

farewell installment of CHER's "HERE WE GO AGAIN TOUR" that i would attend a week later...and just like the last 3 farewells tours...i was on a magical trip down memory lane once again...

BUTT...once again...

i would get stuck sitt'n behind another damn headache...this time by some screetch'n ovulate'n owl past her expiration date thee entire damn concert...it could just be that cuz i'm in my prime time of my dimly lit career...that i no longer appreciate a rusty rake bang'n against my ear drums fer 2 straight hours like i used to at past live events...but i'm here to tell you one thing when sitt'n in the nose bleed section...CHER DOES NOT CARE WAY UP THERE!...she already has yer coins...that's enough!

plus have'n to spend $15 on a pretzel shaped teethin' ring made from an old leather couch that Greg Almond left behind on Cher's tour bus from their time together...sprinkled in chunks from a salt lick & a frozen dixie cup of urinal cake flavored lemonade didn't help me out one bit!

though in the end...CHER was there fer me from the very beginn'n & i'll be ferever grateful fer her connection to my dad

now get off my dress!

thanx for CHER'n pt 1

i still can picture it...the year was 1974...me in my granimals seperates...

while my dad in his 100% cotton white fruit of the looms short sleeve tee...with match'n grundies of course...loan'n me a couple of his pickled herring fer consumption...while we watched the SONNY & CHER show on our modestly paneled television box one wed nite at 8 pm...as one does

44 years later i realized i had to honor his memory and our bond'n moment

over our love fer all things CHER...(of course my fascination went into hyper drive when CHER went on her own a couple years later and immortalized her famous "peel off" presentation) by make'n a pilgrimage to the BIG APPLE when i found out that CHER's life was gonna be dissected from the very beginn'n on broadway...titled simply...

 "THE CHER SHOW"
since i was already gonna see her 4th installment of her "farewell" tour...entitled appropriately hip replacement tour 

"HERE WE GO AGAIN TOUR" the week later in the Minne-Apple's siesta city St Paulie gurl...i figered...WHY NOT!

BUTT...more on that later

i arrived bright eyed and a bit hung over into Newark International airport

a bit early fer a change...and of course greeted by someone who was want'n change...but all i wanted was a change of scenario's...so i hopped the New Jersey transit and roughly an hour later i was F-I-N-A-L-L-Y bask'n in my temporary home fer the next few days...and i couldn't have been happier

check-in wasn't for another 5 hours...so i hadda figer out somewhere or 

someone...who would keep me entertained until then and luckily enough my good friend Cyndi back home sent me a message to meet up with her brother Brian who was in town sett'n up fer some concert...so we met up in Washington park and shot the shit fer the next 4 hours

by the time we bid our ado's...and my hung over was no longer hang'n

 over me...i was ready to count sheep in the city that never sleeps...cuz this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe was not gonna function much longer if i didn't...so a quick cab ride to the Hell's Kitchen area off of 48th and 8th...this Liza was ready fer a couple of ZZZ's...though this would not last very long...once i found out i was upgraded to the suite cuz the Heidi Klum hooker work'n the front desk gave my room away...THOUGH

don't get yer hopes up fer me just yet...cuz all that really meant was...that i hadda climb 5 flights just  so i wasn't party'n with mickey mouse and his buddies

once unpacked...i logged into the wifi...to find my guy that i chattered up

earlier in the week about my presence in his fair city...but by now unfortunately he'd become a ghost like my x's past (and unfortunately it was no real surprise)...NEXT!

a few short winks later...i reached out to a mutual drink'n friend i met on 

my last AA excursion in the BIG APPLE...and we decided to meet up where it all began...which was luckily right around the corner from my bite sized mini mansion

as most that know me...know that i am a very impatient patient when it

 comes to have'n some patience while wait'n fer someone...9.5 times outta 10 i'll give said person i'm wait'n fer with a one song max by car...and i ain't talk'n in a Don McLean sorta way either kittens...well...unless yer 9.5...

hey...if you were an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of yer own universe...LIKE ME...you'd do the same...so no shame!

20 minutes would pass...i started to feel like i has been raped...scraped

and left with my bloomers down around where future bunions planned on move'n in...by all the looky loo's give'n me the willy wonka eye from the bar...and just as i was about ready to send a gigantic SCREW YOU BOO text...he finally ascended from perch and earned his "fergive me" degree from the university of fuckity fucks by purchase'n me multiple liquid replenishments

eventually the clock would tick...then tock...and i would eventually  

become completely bored of play'n eye pinochle with the brazilian cock behind the inebriant trough that had now enveloped my very existence...so it was time to meander to another water'n hole...fer some easier pole...and we ended up around the corner...WHY NOT!

but the 2 drink minimum we were in at this point and my AA partner transformed into an oogle'n octopus and was give'n me his best mommie dearest interpretational dance...so i knew it was time to call it a nite

as i was gett'n ready to leave the last 3 hours behind me...i made my way

to the front door like a homeless whore who had just finished perform'n on her last and final farewell tour fer the even'n...and then it happened!

tune in next week fer part 2 of "thanx fer CHER'n"

now get off my dress!

peregrination H

ever get that not-so-fresh-in-yer-memory feel'n?...almost like yer life is a script...write'n it's very own hit tv show right in front of yer unbelievably almond shaped eyes? (well if they were almond shaped like mine that is)

and you can almost hear James Earl Jones as the narrator recount'n it over fer you...of course

it had been almost a year since my last excursion to the BIG APPLE...

but after uncle sam made his deposit in my piggy bank...(and NOT my bourgeois canal...you dirty lil minx you) so i thought i'd give it another go (minus the air b-n-b nightmare i had experienced last time) plus i was die'n to see the CHER musical before i see her UNSTOPPABLE "hip replacement tour" the follow'n week in the Minne-Apple

 (get yer last chance tix here before she trots across the pond)

i lucked out on a rt/hotel combo deal and won't be around this week kittens...so instead i thought i'd reflect on a vaca from years past that wasn't so pleasant...well cuz i was headed to the south...why not!

BUTT...you can bet on his bottom...i'll have somethin to say about this latest trip once i return

i imagined myself in some twisted lifetime movie of the week...

starr'n Joan Collins...

as the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...Krystal Kleer... 

as Krystal Carrington...the lead'n lady...who wasn't a lady lead'n anything or anyone on fer a change

so let's go back in time...shall we?

imagine me...on vacation in the heart of  the bible beat'n...

banjo pluck'n...great state of North Carolina...

where own'n all yer own teeth is not a necessity...but just a mere luxury

outside of the fact that i hadda get up with dawn's ass crack in my eyes...

stretch'n and a yawn'n ...just try'na come alive...on my way outta dodge......thankfully...i made it there in one piece...for some peace and quiet fer a much deserved long weekend

i'd spent the better part of 2 months chatt'n up and plann'n my 2nd ever

possible fornicational outta towner...who would eventually turn into a complete debbie downer...(i will not confirm or deny that this was my actual date...i am just goin on my faded memory) but let's back it up a bit

my distant cousin's once removed...wait a sec!...just try'n to decipher that mathematical equation is a waste of time and just makes my ears bleed...

they'll always be considered my cousins regardless of the zero family bloodline...they're a fuck'n hoot and a half to hang with

so anyways...i was to spend a couple days with my cuz's...

played by 80's hot sauce Charlene Tilton (fer visual purposes only)

and her hubby...007 himself...Daniel Craig...in Roanoke, VA

the day i finally arrived...Charlene had taken the 3 hour tour thru the hills...

past grama's house and picked me up at the Raleigh/Durham airport

the gorgeous leaves had on their brightest red,orange and yellow blouses

and it made fer the perfect ride back to their palace...if it wasn't fer Charlene drive'n like she'd just gotten a home lobotomy

all was well though when we reached our destination...their 2 pretty lil kids

greeted me at the door with open arms...fer their fav-o-rit non denominational...unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe  unrelated auntie

it's a portrait Norman Rockwell fergot to paint...

someone's unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe unrelated aunt home again (after a quick RED DOOR clinic visit)...in oils!

Daniel...home from a hard days work...was greeted by his golden lab...

well accept in my story...his golden lab was just some mangy mongrel with a stick up her pie hole

the follow'n morn'n...Charlene and her "friend"...played by KD Lang...

(hey i'm just give'n you the visuals that day kittens) decided to cart me around town and pamper my A double snakes...i thought...why not!

1st stop was to get my 1st pedicure since i was a beauty school drop-out

at the Shanghai Surprise Me nail salon

which really surprised me...cuz i could get a pedicure and check out any...

potential failures loom'n about in the area...all at my finger tips

Soon Ye did a bang up job on my hooves...and soon me...Charlene

 and KD...were off on another non alcoholic...alcoholic adventure

by day 2...as we all were set to say our au revoirs...and hit the highway...

 i had rung my potential failure to meet us half way in Greensboro to pick me up...to save Charlene from have'n to have dawn's ass crack in her face...drive'n me the 3 hours back to the airport in the wee hours of the morn'n...and he said he'd call me right back...2 seconds later...i received this very message:

i thought...WOW!...even he knows of my star status way out here live'n in the stix!

after receive'n his very thoughtfully executed text...we took the next exit...

and i decided to visit a local doctor to get rid of my headache...and relieve him of any oral commitments we had planned

thankfully Charlene and Daniel came ride'n in on their white horses...

which happened to be in the form of my new fav-o-rit alcoholic beverage and said they would change my flight pattern and would be more than happy to have me spend another nite with them

by noon...we feasted on crab legs and cocktails...and then later that even'n...i was whisked away to some middle eastern mouthwater'n hole...

and tried things i'da never dreamt i'd ever stick in my mouth...but it was like a party in there...(ummm...not that kinda party sicko's) that ALMOST happened...later on in the story

afterwards...we stopped at some quaint lil shit shack liquor lounge to water down our stomachs...when outta the blue...this suedo hotness...thanx to the bad lighten'n and liquor i had now consumed...walks towards me

he was everything i would'a wanted in that very moment...

pierce'n dark eyes obscured by shades...thick jet black hair..tatted...and sandpaper scruffed face

and i was ready to give in to...that is until he turned his head slightly...

and i was introduced to the GIGANTOR cold sore that had taken over my fantasy!

kittens...i felt like i was aboard the millennium falcon with Han and Chewie

and i couldn't escape his gravitational pull towards his death star

i had chatted to a couple potential failures in the area...a day prior when i was gett'n my hooves sandblasted and outta the blue...as i was ready to...

rent a room in desperadoville...this military man text me

kittens...my pollination process was work'n in over drive try'n to calm the natives down...but soon my bubble was gonna burst...so my chauffeurs
agreed to drop me off at his place of worship...known as the no-tell ho-tel

little did i know he was also have'n this crypt keeper over fer communal services

hey i'm all about serve'n the service men...that is...when they look like...

the military men in every non heterosexual's fantasy

and not like Mr Magoo who's been marintae'n in one too many enemas!

i mean...i am thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n...

 illusionist of my own universe...my standards are as high as my hemline...so i needed to perform an illusion...pronto!

so i rearranged my DNA and got the H-E-double hockey sticks outta there

thankfully my posse waited fer me at the liquor cabinet in the lobby and we went to the PARK...the premiere non heterosexual dance club in town...

we arrived durin' their drag show benefitt'n the victims of some natural disaster

i will bite my tongue on the review...since they were doin a benefit show...

but let's just talk about what the real disaster was...putt'n on yer make-up with magic markers...is not that magical in the spotlight!

nite turned into dazed...and it was finally the morn'n of my final departure so with bags packed...off we went to the Lynchburg airport an hour away

part'n is such sweet sorrow...but i was just really ready fer snowflakes and soak'n in calgon's cool bouquet in my own palace of unpleasantness

plus...i figered my cuz's had had enough of me at this point in time...

as if!

i had arrived and made it thru security with no problemo...

in and out in 5 minutes...just like my last date...and waited patiently fer my board'n call

tick tock tick tock tick tock...the minutes passed rather quickly...

and next thing ya know...we were past the board'n time as scheduled

hmmm...what was the hold up i wondered?....along with all the other...

filthy fantastic sam haircuts wait'n in the lobby...look'n like they all had just give'n themselves a strawberry enema shake...bored wait'n and ready to board...perhaps they hadda pump up the co-pilot...who knows...but whatever the reason'n...the natives in the lobby were gett'n restless

as i looked outside at the Patsy Cline plane i was to board 15 minutes ago

i wasn't quite sure i wanted to climb aboard...

maybe it had to do with watch'n one too many lifetime movies of the week...i don't know

to calm my nerves...i conjured up thoughts of some potential failure...

that would be wait'n to greet me with open arms once i arrived back home

then the less than stellar comedic style'ns of the peanut gallery says...

"sorry to inform you ladies and gentleman...but tonite's flight attendant has come down with a bad case of stomach cramps and we are unable to take off at this time...please be seated and we'll will let you know when she feels better to board the plane!"

ummm...WTF!...a fuck'n stomach ache?

i was expect'n a wing had fallen off...the pilot got his unmentionables stuck in a lavatory glory hole...somethin' earth shatter'n...but a damn flu bug?

i'll serve the fuck'n peanuts...and we've all heard the "in case of a water emergency...you can use yer seat as a flotation device" enough times in our lifetime...we can recite it in our sleep...i just wanted outta this nightmare

tick tock tick tock tick tock...

this was not look'n good!

35 minutes later...the last comic stand'n that was voted off the show before
it began...gets back on the mic and informs us that we will not be leave'n on tonite's last flight...and trust me when i say...everyone that was wait'n...

 had the same idea how we wanted her to leave!

so we all had to go back thru security...which now was a corral of cranky cattle...and wait fer the next available operator to rebook our flight...

who was the janitor lady just hours earlier...i swear!

i was 40th in line...and it was take'n 15 minutes to rebook just 1...so i called Charlene and informed her of the situation...and without hesitation...

Charlene and Daniel turned around after arrive'n back home to get me so i didn't have set up shop!

an hour later they arrived back and got rebooked outta Roanoke so they wouldn't have to drive an hour to drop me back off...so i handed my
identification to the detoxed agent...and he informs me that i made the...

"HALL OF FAME OF UNUSUAL NAMES"...i said..."ummm...what's that?...another name fer the no fly list?"

back home i had spent the majority of my narcoleptic insomniac nite...
finish'n up my blog about the sudden loss of my X...and chatter'n to potential failures that i may or may not meet back home...why not?

by 6 am...i finally was able to get the sheep jump'n over the damn fence and 2 hours later i was up and pack'n again fer the 3rd time that weekend

after a quick breakfast... it was off to the airport once again...but at least this time...it was only minutes away...and as i made it thru security and Charlene faded away into the distance...i remembered one thing...

the delete button and that potential failure from Raleigh would be nothing more but a mere blip on my list of socially retarded potential failures...that i never had to potentially not meet

as i boarded the plane back to the land of 10,000 bottoms...i mean lakes...(9,999 bottoms) everything seemed to be goin as scheduled...until we got onto the runway and the captain announces that with the strong winds ahead...we were unable to take off...but at this point...to be quite honest...

i just wanted to get off!

look'n around though...i knew my options were beyond limited...

so i shut my eyes...and by the time i had awaken...i was back home

a potential failure just happened to text me as i boarded the train home...

but he potentially wouldn't show up by the time i arrived back to my apt...so i potentially just counted sheep!

moral of this never end'n story is...i have none!

now get off my dress