"been around the world...and i...i...i...i can't find...
MY S-A-N-I-T-Y!
seriously...
NO...I'M SERIOUSLY...
and now the torturous conclusion to: ROTTEN TO THE CORE
experience'n all my new 1st's...after 72 long hrs...i needed a break today...
i was in zero mood to serve anyone...let alone by someone that had served over a million...but this WAS NOT the kinda meat i had in mind...i just wanted to meet a potential honest to goodness waste of my time host with the most understand'n of what i had just gone thru...that i was even will'n to pay fer them to lend me their ear fer a couple hours while tool'n thru the city's many nooks and tranny's...but with mother nature bein' murderously muggy that day...heat'n up like a presidential investigation...
it was all i could do to not stop myself from drown'n in another hopeless puddle of "earthy delights"
since 3 is my lucky number...(by choice...no reason)...i popped on line...
to phone a potential mistake that could take me outta my mind fer a period of time...on my dime even
BUTT...of course
wouldn't ya know it...all ANYONE could think about was gett'n the best bang fer their buck...and i get it...if yer the "fresh meat" in town...who wouldn't want to be pounded into ground round by thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe?
though i might'a been in the mood after the sun goes down...i was in zero mood fer some drippy...tawdry "afternoon delight" production at this moment in time...cuz my sky rockets weren't in any sorta mood to be in flight...anywhere!
it felt like i was a fuck'n contestant on some damn 80's game show...
though trust me...even though every "connection" that i was offered...(and there were alot of em i must say) there would be no plausible Chuck Woolery moment to "flick my bick" into someone's "hope box"...if they couldn't...at the very least...entertain me in the public eye
before their "wife" Ralph came home from a difficult day at the park
i finally found some prick who didn't "dick"tate to me his laundry list...
of pulsate'n pleasures online...that needed to be completed immediately...so i jumped outta my rental bed by 1pm after waste'n all morn'n just try'na cool off...while gett'n all hot and bothered...turns out...my 36 yr old brazilian 6'3 giant of devilishly delishousness was a bartender at one of Coop's longtime x butt buddies bar...
and was gonna be stay'n at STING's pad while he was on a yoga pilgrimage with Trudy and Deepak Chopra in Budapest or some shit like that..."allegedly"...of course who know's if any of this was actually the truth...but it didn't really matter to me though...i finally found my tour guide fer the afternoon...and just so he wouldn't think he had one over me dropp'n names...i told him i had my own roster of richy rich's i work for...
i'm Madonna's clairvoyant calculator (hey...you don't know if that ain't a fact jack!)
with the temps skyrocket'n...my giant...hmmm...let's just call him...ummm
T-O-N-I-T-E fer the purposes of this finale...(above pic is a stand-in as not to expose his ego any more than he had already done with me) was spritz'n like a lawn sprinkler in the Sierra and wanted to run home fer a quick change...and who was i to say no (insert evil grin here)
trudge'n up 6 flights to his lair....it wouldn't be more than a mere 5 seconds
inside...that his clothes would eventually evaporate in front of my very eyes...and even if i could appreciate his David Blaine pony act...(and trust me...i can handle a tooth chipper...but my throat is no one's storage cellar) he wanted me to disappear inside him...
but not in a Jeffery Dahmer way...just so we're clear kittens!
you do the math (insert *wink*wink* here)
2 hrs later...i found my way back to the Ritz in Hell's Kitchen and met up
with this absolutely delightful NY Quentin Crispish staple fer a lil chitter chatter that i had met thru the crowd the night before at the saloon on 9th...but after a quick cocktail...it was finally time to head to the whole reason i came ot NY in the 1st place...
to see MISS KATHY GRIFFIN spill it all @ Carnegie Hall...and trust me...it was well worth the price of admission and all the hell i...like Kathy herself...went thru...to make it to this juncture in the road...i don't wanna give ANYTHING away since she's still on her WORLD WIDE TOUR...
all i'll say is...our mentally deranged corrupt lie'n sack of baby pig shit...IS STILL JUST THAT...& MORE...along with his brain dead lobotomized cuntruffle'n followers!
3 hours later...as much as i wanted to say goodbye properly to the city...
i absolutely adore...my hooves were barely keep'n my stable...and i knew it was time to pack up the nite...so i text'd my host and headed back to pack up my miserable memories...in case he was worried since i hadn't texted him all day...then all of a sudden...my cell phone died as i waited fer his response while walk'n my A double snakes all the way home...
lil didn't i know...once i reached my destination...that i would have to be negotiate'n my entrance like a terrorist to the very place that i still had one more damn nite that i had already paid for in full...
all cuz he decided to have a lil menage et trois with some "friends" who were audition'n fer the very off broadway show of some "highly" influenced non heterosexual production of "break'n bad"
WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY NOW?
it was nice that he gave me a couple of options...though at 12:30 at nite...
i was in zippo mood to play "let's make a deal"...so my options were either #1 join in...or #2 sit at the bar fer an hour so they could finish up with auditions...never mind the fact that i had held it fer the last mile walk and really needed to do both #1 and #2
i opted to say goodbye to the city my way...and an hour later i got the signal it was ok to return...know'n full well...i would never return to BNB world on any furture solo vacations...and to make matters worse...
their try-outs last'd til the rooster crow'd around 4:30 am...suffice it to say...i was not a happy camper know'n i would barely sleep a wink before it would be time to skiddaddle to the airport
check out was 11 am sharp...but trust me...i was up and out by 6 bells
and off to the airport...reminiscence'n thru the last 4 days i just went thru...feel'n like a member of the lollipop guild...1 and 30 minutes later i would arrive at the airport 4 hrs early...and made sure the BNB got a full earful and demand'd my money back fer the last day at the very least since i was locked out...to which they obliged me
what's the moral of the story you ask?...welll...sometimes it just ain't worth
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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