A DIRTY DEED INDEED! pt 2

picture it kittens...the year was 1992 and ALLEY SHEEDY was act'n all

kinds of shady towards BRIDGET FONDA in the intense roommate from hell chiller thriller "SINGLE WHITE FEMALE"

the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR was race'n up the charts with her

haunt'n melancholy ballad "THIS USED TO BE MY PLAYGROUND" which was the theme song from the movie "A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN" that incidentally could'a totally been the theme song to my very own epitaph i was currently immersed in at the moment

KIMBERY SHAW's multiple personalities were cause'n all kinds of chaos

on the set of "MELROSE PLACE" (to which i could totally relate to as well at the time) so click here fer a ticket to the catch-up train with pt 1 in order to understand this now very plausible conclusion to A DIRTY DEED INDEED!

once inside i was told to hang my coat and cap up and to make myself

uncomfortable on his couch while he went to open the bedroom door behind me when all of a sudden i felt like i was Gulliver on the wrong travels as i was viciously attacked by an army of about 13 kittens followed by my body experience'n some sorta anaphylactic shock all of a sudden from the ammonia permeate'n from the kitty boxes in his boudoir then JABBA would suspiciously pop his head out from behind the bedroom door ask'n me a simple question...

"do you know who CHI CHI LaRue is?" 

sounded like some sorta vicious venereal disease i really wanted no part 

of though apparently i was wrong when my hefty hemorrhoided homemaker informed me that he was indeed the titillated talent scout fer LaRude's throat plunge'n prodicktion company and had informed me that i would be the perfect corn fed fucker fer her next dick flick as he so non discretely pushed play on his vcr with his remote he pulled from his back britches fer the nites visual "educational" entertainment then proceeded to gingerly pop into his kitchen thus return'n with a smarmy smirk plastered across his mug as well as an obscene offer fer me...

"i don't have much money but here's $15 and 2 cans of diet coke if you jack off to this movie with me?" (and yes...sadly that is a direct quote) 

although i was at a very impressionable age...i was not that impressed 

with his offer to which i swiftly and snarkly of course responded "i don't even like diet coke" (nor was i totally brain dead either) the only talent this diabetic scout worked fer was the tidy bowl on taco tuesday's durin' the all-u-can eat nite at el burrito's

needless to say...i was not a very good escort at negotiations as i was  so

unceremoniously escorted out of his abhorrent petri dish of a pink eye'd pad at 3 am fer not comply'n to his demented demands and thus had to subsequently walk 7 miles thru the blister'n tundra of Hoth to the wait'n room of the downtown hennepin county hospital and waited there fer 3 more hours where i was luckily hired come interview time at 7am

BUTT...there's more...

20 years would go by before i was offered yet another role into the adult

entertainment biz when i answered an ad fer a couple on craigslist one lazy afternoon that was look'n fer a photographer to do a saucy shootie toot toot fer their 5 year anniversary together however when i arrived to the address i was give'n (which was not yer average prom participants at some no tell motel to my surprise) 

cuz my couple turned out to be a couple of beefy tooth chippers (also to my surprise) stay'n at some fancy schmancy motel 6 adjacent upgrade...oh and i was also surprised when they asked me to personally BRIAN DE PALMA this throat plunge'n production instead and since i had never filmed anyone before (at this point in time) i said i would forgo my fee (like an idiot of course)

i just requested a signal in order to lemme know when the "money shot" happens so i can zoom in (from what i've seen in past productions) though eventually these steroided butt pirates needed my "ASSistance" to which i said that it would put this charade parade into "post prodicktion" and therefore i would have to charge them double over time

45 minutes later...i would leave with my dignity still in tact as they were

 diligently wipe'n their dignity off the remote control and tv screen (don't ask!) nonetheless...i am now eligible to become a member of the directors guild of america at the very least (i believe) so i've updated my resume to reflect my experience...

ummm COLIN FARRELL (i know yer read'n this...i mean...why wouldn't you be?) you can be expect'n a call from my people soon...i think i have the perfect role fer you!

well just when ya thought it was all ova kittens...i decide...I DECIDE!

tune in next week fer pt 3 of A DIRTY DEED INDEED! 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

DICKSTRACTION ACTION

when you desperately need to "distract" the masses with lobotomized

asses...cuz yer poles numbers are sink'n faster than yer morals...leave it to our unfortunate morbidly obese (thanx fer that Nancy) mentally deranged lie'n corrupt bloated sack of orange pig shit with the cottage cheesed ass...to act like a lil bitch...all cuz of PRESIDENT OBAMA's articulate and positive graduation speech last week fer the class of 2020 that garnered more neilsen rate'ns than any of his rallies from his destructive reign of terror over the past almost 4 years

i was completely worn out by all his BS and decided to distract myself with

my well worn out copy of the greatest hits by Heather Lockier to help lift my spirits...since my cabinet was currently outta those "special" spirits...

BUTT of course...it wasn't happen'n!

luckily fer you kittens...i'm gonna dickstract you with somethin just a lil

more eye popp'n than political poetry this week!

almost 3 months into lockdown now and i was rack'n my brains as to who

would be thee most interest'n person on the planet to distract yer dismal minds in these desperate times and take part in another interview that i haven't conducted in some time now...here at the orafices of GET OFF MY DRESS! i wanted it to be with someone who's been affected by the current state we're live'n in...so i tossed out a bucket of chum into the unisver to see who would bite..and much to my surprise...it was a nice unexpected surprise!

i tried gett'n in touch with TARA READE...but i didn't wanna touch her with anyone’s 10 foot pole

and i completely had fergotten that FARRAH FAWCETT was no longer with us

so i was beyond elated when i got a response back from the star of such

sinfully saucy classics like L.A. CRUISING...

and was absolutely riveted by the hard hitt'n action in COCK HAMMER

you got it kittens...today i'm sitt'n down with the deliciously delectable

throat plunge’n legend himself...TEX DAVIDSON

thanx a mill fer return'n my call TEX...so lets just dive right in...shall we? how were you discovered to go under the covers as an adult entertainer?

i was discovered on FACEBOOK actually

CHI CHI LARUE reached out as well as CHRIS CRISCO to whom became my manager for a short time before i started getting my own gigs

with all yer throngs of thongs you've destroyed thru-out yer illustrious career...what made you decide to hang up yer jock strap fer good?

the reason i left the industry was it was time, why not leave while you're on top! some of these guys make it a career. i had bigger plans for myself.

somehow i ended up follow'n you on twitter a while back...i'll admit it...it's yer eyes...they're like tractor beams...you were the death star...and i was the millenium falcon pulled in with no way to escape so i twatted you the day i found out you were outta comish cuz you contracted the current dreadful disease...so in yer own words...can you tell my savvry stalkers that follow me thru-out the planet about yer experience with the COVID?

my experience with COVID, lets just say it's not fun, it's something to take very seriously. i am not out of the woods yet. it's lonely. i was hopitalized for almost a week and a half with no visitors and only allowed to see the nurses 3 times a day and 3 times a night.

luckily my family and friends facetimed me to help me stay positive, no pun! after i was released from the hospital i now have to be quarentined for 14 days before i get tested again and hopefully test negative.

i experienced a seizure as well as a stroke, the doctors could not do my MRI or the EEG to figure out if those were related to the COVID. once i tested negative i will be able to proceed with the MRI and EEG so please take every precaution to stay safe. just because states are reopening doesn't mean this is all over

well...i think it's safe to say...that if TEX DAVIDSON tells you this COVID ain't nothin' to fuck around with...you outta listen kitten and speak'n of not fuck'n around anymore...now that yer outta the adult entertainment world can you tell us a lil bit about yer new adventure into the world of design?

my new adventure in the design world has always been a dream of mine and in just one phone call my dreams had come true. i moved to Dallas and i work for a great design firm and i am building my name up and branding myself to become one of Dallas's Designers.

my company is not only a design firm but we also stage luxury multi million dollar homes for the real estate industry

now we've come to the part of the interview i like to call "can we talk about ME fer a change?" basically TEX...you can ask me ANYTHING you want under the rainbow you want to know about a complete random stranger like myself (well...except about rainbows...cuz that's just fuck'n lazy journalism)

what's the craziest thing you want to do when this pandemic is over?

well...though i'm known as a bit of a "tooth chipper" in town myself  TEX

i think i'm gonna treat myself with my COVID cash and take the TEX challenge by goin fer a ride on yer replica...WHY NOT! (insert evil grin here) if you wanna feel the TEX experience all up in yer cavernous cornhole yerself...order his thick throat plunger fer yer very own pleasure here  among many other must have TEX DAVIDSON products...maybe even splurge as gifts fer friends...family...or even granny (if her time clock is still tick’n)

i wanna thank the ever incredible legendary TEX DAVIDSON fer take'n

 time outta his quarentined quarters to shoot the shit with me...and wanna wish you a complete speedy recovery along with best wishes on yer new adventures in the world of design...if yer a twatter...follow TEX on twitter @ https://twitter.com/texdavidsonxxx?lang=en

now GET OFF MY DRESS!