A DIRTY DEED INDEED! pt 2

picture it kittens...the year was 1992 and ALLEY SHEEDY was act'n all

kinds of shady towards BRIDGET FONDA in the intense roommate from hell chiller thriller "SINGLE WHITE FEMALE"

the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR was race'n up the charts with her

haunt'n melancholy ballad "THIS USED TO BE MY PLAYGROUND" which was the theme song from the movie "A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN" that incidentally could'a totally been the theme song to my very own epitaph i was currently immersed in at the moment

KIMBERY SHAW's multiple personalities were cause'n all kinds of chaos

on the set of "MELROSE PLACE" (to which i could totally relate to as well at the time) so click here fer a ticket to the catch-up train with pt 1 in order to understand this now very plausible conclusion to A DIRTY DEED INDEED!

once inside i was told to hang my coat and cap up and to make myself

uncomfortable on his couch while he went to open the bedroom door behind me when all of a sudden i felt like i was Gulliver on the wrong travels as i was viciously attacked by an army of about 13 kittens followed by my body experience'n some sorta anaphylactic shock all of a sudden from the ammonia permeate'n from the kitty boxes in his boudoir then JABBA would suspiciously pop his head out from behind the bedroom door ask'n me a simple question...

"do you know who CHI CHI LaRue is?" 

sounded like some sorta vicious venereal disease i really wanted no part 

of though apparently i was wrong when my hefty hemorrhoided homemaker informed me that he was indeed the titillated talent scout fer LaRude's throat plunge'n prodicktion company and had informed me that i would be the perfect corn fed fucker fer her next dick flick as he so non discretely pushed play on his vcr with his remote he pulled from his back britches fer the nites visual "educational" entertainment then proceeded to gingerly pop into his kitchen thus return'n with a smarmy smirk plastered across his mug as well as an obscene offer fer me...

"i don't have much money but here's $15 and 2 cans of diet coke if you jack off to this movie with me?" (and yes...sadly that is a direct quote) 

although i was at a very impressionable age...i was not that impressed 

with his offer to which i swiftly and snarkly of course responded "i don't even like diet coke" (nor was i totally brain dead either) the only talent this diabetic scout worked fer was the tidy bowl on taco tuesday's durin' the all-u-can eat nite at el burrito's

needless to say...i was not a very good escort at negotiations as i was  so

unceremoniously escorted out of his abhorrent petri dish of a pink eye'd pad at 3 am fer not comply'n to his demented demands and thus had to subsequently walk 7 miles thru the blister'n tundra of Hoth to the wait'n room of the downtown hennepin county hospital and waited there fer 3 more hours where i was luckily hired come interview time at 7am

BUTT...there's more...

20 years would go by before i was offered yet another role into the adult

entertainment biz when i answered an ad fer a couple on craigslist one lazy afternoon that was look'n fer a photographer to do a saucy shootie toot toot fer their 5 year anniversary together however when i arrived to the address i was give'n (which was not yer average prom participants at some no tell motel to my surprise) 

cuz my couple turned out to be a couple of beefy tooth chippers (also to my surprise) stay'n at some fancy schmancy motel 6 adjacent upgrade...oh and i was also surprised when they asked me to personally BRIAN DE PALMA this throat plunge'n production instead and since i had never filmed anyone before (at this point in time) i said i would forgo my fee (like an idiot of course)

i just requested a signal in order to lemme know when the "money shot" happens so i can zoom in (from what i've seen in past productions) though eventually these steroided butt pirates needed my "ASSistance" to which i said that it would put this charade parade into "post prodicktion" and therefore i would have to charge them double over time

45 minutes later...i would leave with my dignity still in tact as they were

 diligently wipe'n their dignity off the remote control and tv screen (don't ask!) nonetheless...i am now eligible to become a member of the directors guild of america at the very least (i believe) so i've updated my resume to reflect my experience...

ummm COLIN FARRELL (i know yer read'n this...i mean...why wouldn't you be?) you can be expect'n a call from my people soon...i think i have the perfect role fer you!

well just when ya thought it was all ova kittens...i decide...I DECIDE!

tune in next week fer pt 3 of A DIRTY DEED INDEED! 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

DALIANCE DILEMAS

picture it kittens...the year was 1996 and hard rock'n alcoholic wives KISS 

had reunited fer the 1st time in their full demonic kabuki war paint want'n to "ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT" by become'n the highest gross'n tour that year 

SALLY FIELD began stalk'n rapey murderer KEIFFER SUTHERLAND 

in the highly intense dark drama "EYE FOR AN EYE"

and CELINE DION's sappy single "IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME" was 

basically KISS's face paint...SALLY and SUTHERLAND's flick and CELINE's song which could best describe just how things went down one hot~n~steamy july nite back then...

BUTT...lemme explain

have you ever had that blissfully embarass'n moment with a hook up that

you'd finally met from the phonelines after a few months of ping pong chitter chatter...where everything seems to be click'n like clock work...as Lil KIM's (feature'n SISCO...why not!) "HOW MANY LICKS" breaks the sound barrier on yer magnavox hi-fi shelf stereo system just as you get to that point of sheer explosive in yer face ecstasy...literally!

where you can feel the bells of Saint Jim Beam...Saint Johnny Walker and Saint Jose Queervo that you made out with earlier in the nite bang'n on yer fuck'n ear drums...

wish'n you'd of worn yer swimm'n goggles to bed only cuz yer "not so gentleman caller" tips his head back at a 45 degree angle popp'n his jaws open like a pez dispenser and lett'n out a boisterous whale like some 6'5 wookie with a throat plunger...

 as he blasts off like skyrockets in flight with buckets full of his afternoon delight (in the middle of the nite) well...suffice it to say...i will dispense with the visuals on yer behalf so my experience doesn't damage yer image of me...however...

let's just say it was like stare'n into a semi straight eye of an enormous sexual backed up Mount Saint Hummer that particular eye-open'n even'n

well..23 years later that story really has absolutely nothing to do with any

of today's off the wall insane asylum babble that i received via text one morn'n recently (i just felt like tip toe'n down memory lane and thought you needed a lil spice in yer life kittens) so any who'z'ill'ding

so there i was last week pull'n the lid off my coffin so i could recharge my 

sanity along with my cell when all of a sudden i received a random unknown text ask'n me "how are you doin?" to which i simply stated "wake'n up...who's this?" that my unknown texter followed up  merely millemoments  later with a "are you horny?" response...

to which i counter his question with a question of my own "AM I HORNY?" hmmm...though i had  hoped my random texter was from irish mchottie COLIN FARRELL and he had F-I-N-A-L-L-Y decided to lift that stupid stalk'n embargo he had put out on me years back when i tried role play'n "PHONE BOOTH" with him...however i had decided after i scraped my supple milky white A double snakes outta bed that this probably indeed wasn't the COLIN i was think'n about after all so i simply replied "not at this very moment mister mystery man though if you bring me an cranberry redbull i'll be ready to do the hokey pokey in a matter of minutes!" 

ps...unless he was some apocalyptic costco banshee who had stock piles in his fall-out shelter...they sadly discontinued my fav-o-rit energy booster in 2020 (which truly saddens me!)

who ever said live'n a life as thee unintentionally internationally unknown 

perform'n illusionist of my own universe was worth the adulation i bet never hadda deal with this bullshit so early in the am hours

as i began to splash on some jean nate' after bath body splash all over my

my supple yet tired milky white flesh just to wake up my tired ass wait'n fer a simple response and literally within a nano second i was hit with a title wave text with no clue who my early morn'n horny toad was so instead of smack'n you with the entire tidal waved text...i figered i'd break it down since you obvious have nothing else to do with yer day but read about about my life:

DAMNNNNNNNN...IT'S NOT COLIN! (i know this cuz bein irish and all he would never spell SHIT...it would be spelt SHITE!)

so the next clue was brutal...which of course made me immediately think of POPEYE's nemesis BLUTO or BRUTUS (depend'n on the year you watched him)

well...well...well...at this point it was gett'n all a lil "MURDER SHE WROTE" bullshit...cuz i still had no clue what shits he had of mine (i've been potty trained since i was roughly 3 after all) and i don't have a storage locker saved up anywhere that i knew of

then i thought why would they say don't call the FBI or the boys in blue...wai'da'minute...i bet this is just Marcella gett'n back at me all cuz i had poly gripped all her panty hose together into a parasol

kitten...PUHLEEZ...if MADONNA had taught me anything...it's that you N-E-V-E-R regret a thing and if you have it...ummm just FLAUNT IT!

oh OK LEX LUTHER...

you got me!

needless to say i had no stamps to comply to his ridickulous request

so GET OFF MY DRESS!

ONE fer THE RECORD BOOK pt. 3

hey if yer look'n to shake up the spring season'ns with a lil joy fer yer very

own pleasure now that it's in full swing...may i suggest find'n a crowded family function or packed shit fer brains hole in the wall sports bar where everyone's IQ in the room combined is the same as the alcohol content in just one can of schlitz malt liquor on game day and ask the remote control king/queen or brain dead waiter/waitress that there's a GOLDEN GIRLS marathon on and they'll get a $5 bonus tip fer a quick channel change at the bottom of the 9th durin' the 4th quarter

as everyone's fav-o-rit dribbler scores a home run with the puck in the pool...their reaction will be priceless...trust me...however if yer not feel'n that brazen...then click here fer pt. 1 and click here fer pt. 2 to catch up to the excrutiate'n conclusion

so there i was one sunday afternoon at my neighborhood coffee shop... 

read'n over pages of regurgitated crap about the football fans (the VIKES in particular) try'na inform the social media disdain fer the game that if they didn't like the outcome of the game then they outta put down the fuck'n pickled pringles and PBR and sign up to play at the next try-outs...finish'n up my latest blog while flipp'n thru annoy'n requests on desperadoville...or a4a...which after 3 years of bein' "sucked" into it (pun intended) i simply referred to it as assholes4assholes now

i responded to a simple request by some 20 somethin' tattoo'd potential 

failure to "hang out" (but who in the world does he think  i am...besides thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe) everyone knows that's just hookerville code fer "rock out with yer cock out"

i had nothin' better to do...so i emailed him my digits and finished up my 

over priced non dairy...dairy...mocha frappichino latte chi tea...i mean my plum red bull and headed fer home

a few hours later...after OD'n on rerun's of the hysterically fab-u-less after

school special knock-offs of  "STRANGERS WITH CANDY" an unsuitable friend called pretty much plead'n to get pollinated by yers cruelly...listen here...i haven't resided in desperadoville since the disfucktional era of the 90's when i started work'n at the 90's and though repeat performances have happened from time to time...i'm more into one-of-a-kind treasures these days

so...as the unmemorable caller tried desperately to remind me who they 

were...i picked the phone back up after 2 minutes and noticed a text had come thru though no name was attached...hmmm...who's this? a new pearl at the bottom of my electronical ocean of regrets

i politely interrupted the caller...who now just seemed like a rusted coin 

in the back alley of some dead end street that i had no interest in pick'n up and told them i would donate 10% of my feelings to his skank account

as i played the ping pong text game of who's this?...i realized it was the 20

somethin' from earlier in the day finally gett'n back to me in an untimely manner but why should i be surprised...most 20 somethin's these days have zero clue what a manner is unless it comes in a downloadable app

we made plans to "hang out" as it were...in an hour...when i was done  

file'n my feelin's in the "why not!" drawer and he was done look'n fer the next best thing that was within 15 feet from his reach

a week would go by and while i was enjoy'n bloody's with a stalker of mine

followed by an even fabular dinner while watch'n "KINKY BOOTS" at her palace when all of a sudden the generational gap texted me outta the blue and wanted to "hang out"

after inform'n the above acquaintance of him...they said to invite him over

to join in some robotic pleasantries...however i was in no mood to play a round of "patty cake patty fake" with my new counter help reject from blockbusters so after finish'n dinner and the movie i skedaddled back to my tiny underworld palace fer some pre-fornicational 4 square though once i retreated to my bed this generation was ready to count sheep so off to dreamland it was fer me

by morn'n he had opened the flood gates of his entire life...about how he 

got his drug and alcoholic acrobatic act in tact...that he met me as 80's Boy George on halloween nite a year prior...

BUTT (and you know there always is one dont'cha kittens)

that we had actually met A YEAR EARLIER! at 1st i was like WHAT? then it felt like i was taken a shower at the bates motel!

hmmm...a year earlier?...i don't recall ANY 20 somethin's catch'n my 

interest accept fer a date i reported on when i began this ramblin'n eyesore of a story about anything and everything when i first created this blog...he said..."you know my dad!" i paused fer a second...then i thought...WTF????

no matter how many times you call may feel compelled to wanna call me "daddy" I AM NOT YER FATHER! 

**ABORT**ABORT**ABORT**

another 10 years would pass and there i was once again recently lay'n 

back in my boudoir chatt'n amongst the sea of desperado's online vy'n fer my "attention" in the middle of the nite after wake'n up from one of my multiple narcoleptic fantasies and guess who just happened to hit me up? hmmmm...well let's just say...it wasn't irish throat plunger Colin Farrell...

however...after a week of  electronical ping pong banter...i decided since i have the power that it was time to finally sink this tenacious titanic lunchbox of hormones once and fer all with the full power of the block button...

this saga has F-I-N-A-L-L-Y come to an end...now GET OFF MY DRESS!