MOCK'N THE CASBAH!

to all my GEN X'ers out there within my universally loved blog sphere...

remember that raucous rambunctious right to civil disobedience anthem that THE CLASH dropped in 1979 as a big howdy do FUCK YOU to authority? (and yes i'm very well aware that the above gif is to ANOTHER massive hit by them...so don't be some douchey girrock and go write'n yer local radio station or council cunt about an immediate correction that ain't eva gonna happen...KAPEESH!) 

from a very young and tender age we are all taught to respect authority...

from tepid teachers..to pesky preachers...parental figures to pew pew piggers and absolutely anyone donning clown attire!

well...maybe not E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E!

i can recall the very 1st time that i had my very own run-in with the law...

back in 1984 when me...2 of my brothers and my sister were casually meander'n thru the aisles of our local Snyder Drugs store within the confines of the Plaza Square durin' a balmy fall season with southwesterly winds outta the east at 5 to 10 miles per hour (hush...don't question me...i'm tell'n the story) any'who'zll'ding...my sister (4 years my junior) had pointed out a medium sized plastic bendy witch toy that she began play'n with and without hesitation i picked thru my pockets fer any loose change to get it fer her but realized i was roughly 75 cents short so i had her go follow my other 2 brothers out of the store and i'd catch up to them shortly

as they all left the store i immediately went into 5 finger discount mode

fer the very first time (i might add) and tried to figer out my plan of escape...remember'n the 1st rule from Miss Grosnek's kinderbeaner class before cross'n the street...so i looked left...i looked right...then i looked left again...and then i remembered i hadda hit the lil tinkletorium thanx to that damn can of TAB that i had guzzled down before we headed to the store...so i quickly shoved said toy down to the depths of my nether regions of my temu version of grey parachute pants i got one Xmas from Spurgeon's clothing store and headed timidly fer the exit...

BUTT all of a sudden...

outta nowhere this vaginal wart with blood red glittered nails as sharp as a 

neurotic eagles talons...latched onto my left shoulder like prey...catch'n me a millisecond before i had the chance to cross the line of demarcation damnation and drug me back into the store...down a long florescent cavernous hellway in the back behind the prophylactics and suppository section...up a short flight of stairs...into a cold desolate grey room the size of a prison cell and called the popo to come "take me awaaaay" like a calgon bath (oh wait...i was 14 and this was Winona after all...i could only DREAM that the cops looked like that back then)

after roughly the 15 minute interrogation under the hot lamp by the total 

titless tattle-tale twat was over...this bloated Barney Fife fucker walks into the room to finish the process by lead'n me out the back door into the alley and into his squad car without say'n a single word til we got to the station (i thought to myself...AH SHIT!! my life on the run is O-V-E-R before it even began!)

inside the station...chief Wiggums noticed my mental state and tried to 

calm me down with a small cup of OJ and a long John from our local bakery BLOEDOW'S then proceeded to tell me what i had done was wrong but assured me that everything would be ok...that is UNTIL..(cue the dramatic DUH DUH DUHHHH! themed music) 

moments later...my parental tour guide and my parish's priest walk in...

seriously...it was like a demented joke unfold'n in front of my very almond shaped deep chestnut brown bedroom eyes (that my 4th grade teacher had made a comment on back then...true story...don't worry...she's NOT my type) though i knew the second i made it into the confines of my home i'd never hear the end of it...oh and to make this insanity story even worse...that sunday i hadda dip into the confessional as our priest asked me thru the ornate wooden confessional cell bars "do you have anything you need to ask for fer forgiveness?" to which i simply replied with a disgruntled attitude like a coked up hooker gett'n stiffed on payday "don't play stupid...i was there...you were there (look'n up) HE was there...the jig is up!" 

i had decided to quit the voodoo party...i mean church...that i was forced into on my own volition that very day after that shifty shady showcase showdown altercation!

it would be a whole 20 years before i would have another run-in with the

basturds in blue...and though technically i was only 1 fuck'n point over the legal limit...i can free admit this was (on a technicality) my fault...however...

i am irish...i can pah-duh-boo-ray better than any Baryshnikov out there...hell...i'd need to be at least 10 points over the limit before i'd even be considered a jaywalker at best after all (and yes...i'm all too familiar that that's what a drunk tank would most likely murmur)

so by the time i had gotten released...i was in all sorts of unjustifiable dishevelment and no beauty squad at my disposal...luckily the Annie Leibovitz take'n my mugshot that late nite let me collect my thoughts and composure and obliged me with a do-over since my 1st shot had me look'n like a swollen puffer fish with tear stained eyes... 

and if Paris Hilton has taught me anything about gett'n arrested...it's that you wanna make damn sure you look yer best at all times...especially when they get to the downfall portion of yer E true hollyweird story!

just like clock work...it would be 20 years later and once again i'd come in

contact with the law...though thankfully 3rd times a charm cuz this time i was on the other side of the bullet proof partition as the fresh new Annie Leibovitz of my local sheriff's office...

and i made damn sure that every crook...crazy or coke head looked their absolute finest (hey...i was think'n about their own true hollyweird story)

however...after 4 arduous months on the job...without any kinda warn'n...

my lieutenant decided to abruptly rearrange my schedule and apparently since i was at the bottom of the seniority totem pole (even though i'm 99.9% a top regardless of what you've heard) i couldn't switch to the appropriate hours to accommodate my narcoleptic sleep'n disorder (that i had asked for) so i was told to just put in my 2 weeks notice like a compliant chimp and i'd be let go with good stand'n to pursue another position within the county...of which i did

however once i applied fer my funemployment durin' my pursuit of another 

position...I WAS DENIED!!  what in the pepsi cola board meet'n bullshit was happen'n? i filled out all the damn paperwork...i completed my 2 damn weeks...i did my damn exit interview...then come to find out that my lieutenant stated to the funemployment office that i DID NOT ASK for accommodations! luckily...i remembered it was all in blue ink in my exit interview (that the lieutenant also said i couldn't have a copy of when i asked for it just seconds after i clocked out...state'n it was now "states evidence") 

again WTF??? states evidence? this was my cause to dismiss my duties...

not a damn confession to a murder or bank heist so i sued the Clairol #9 cuntasaurus and won ALL my funemployment benjamins back and went on with my pursuit of unhappiness leave'n the entire damn experience behind me

6 months later while i was gleefully gallop'n around at some Judy Garland 

jamboree next to an absolute gem of an ancient co-worker's palace...when i overheard a very distinct laugh i'd remembered from somewhere in my past and suddenly noticed it was come'n from one of the co-workers i'd chatted to in pass'n durin' my shift at the sheriff's office...so i meandered my way slowly thru the crowd and made my way up to them... 

"hey...i remember you from the sheriff's office a while back" to which she replied "well i probably arrested you then" to which i raised my eyebrow and looked into her cataracts and said "umm no...we worked together..i took the mugshots" and then without hesitation she quirked her face in amazement and said "oh yea...they're STILL talk'n about you there cuz you are the first one to ever sue the lieutenant" 

i chimed in and said "well...she shouldn't have lied to the court!" took a sip of my non existent cocktail...turned and went on my merrily ferrily way!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

I AIN’T CLOWN’N AROUND

with the season of madness and mayhem now in full bloom...it's time fer

  sweater weather...whether you like it or not and if yer A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G like me (you of course can subtract 10 points immediately from yer personality if you ARE NOT...oh and also loose my number while yer at it kitten cuz i ain't got time to explain myself anymore) anywho'zll'ding...that means it time to cuddle up to some chilly thrillers with my personal choice involve'n anything clown or clown related and of course my all time fav-o-rit bein' the colorful campiness from 1988 titled "KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE"

then there's the retell'n of the killer clown from 2017 known as PENNYWISE from the brilliant STEPHEN KING novel "IT"

the lesser known creepiness from 2019 is "WRINKLES THE CLOWN" who you could supposedly call to scare the live'n fecal matter outta the colons of kids in the sunshine state 

and lastly on my list of overly painted bozo bastards is "VULGAR" from 2000 about a miserable bday party clown fer unappreciative pint sized shit buckets struggle'n to make ends meet...who loves and lives his career path until he decides to go out on a limb by expand'n his horizons and become a gay clown stripper fer bachelor parties in New Jersey and soon regrets his decision

once my marathon of clown carnage was completely over i had laid back  

in bed with my peek-a-boo pj's on and wrapped in my Tracey Turnblad cock roach comforter... 

with my mug completely molested in a St Ives mint julep mud mask...it got me to think'n about all the past killer clowns i've had run in's where i...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...

could'a easily been written in as some tawdry yet twisted movie of the week!

BUTT...let's get to it shall we?

so let's go back in time to the spring of 1990 when i was on my lil lunch 

break at the Children's Theater in the Minne-Apple and had discovered an ad at the back of the local fag rag i was flipp'n thru at the time...about meet'n local singles in the area...well...me bein' just'a spring chicken plucked from the bowels of a small minnesotan town to fend fer myself in the big cold hard city...i was like a lotus flower ready to bloom so i called the line and a week later i decided to meet my very 1st big city kinky clown at a local non heterosexual intoxication station in the downtown Minne-Apple area on 18+ nite since i was just barely 20 at the time

this was before i was with car...so i basically hadda check on flight schedules from St Paul to Minneapolis to meet this guy...cuz i was tired of the 3 bus transfers i hadda take to work on a daily basis that always was a fuck over moment when the weather was bad or cuz some road rage'n rectal pirate hadda get to Costco Crazy Daze Deals before the sale ended on anchovies and briskets by cutt'n off someone in front of my bus

by the time i had reached our desired destination...i reluctantly fergot my 

ID back at my place of residence at the time and i was not about to rebook a flight back just to get it...unfortunately the gammorean guard at the front door hadda cop an attitude with me and couldn't be bothered in the slightest by my desperate pleas to just let me pass on by...

even after batt'n my daddy long leg lashes at him...

so i waited patiently across the street at some primitive speak'n station fer roughly 10 minutes to see if said phone trade would come out and recognize me

minutes later...what looked like the description of the gentleman caller 

that i had secretly lusted after in my mind from bus to bus as i made my way to downtown Minneapolis (hey...you gotta step inside my mind fer just a minute to understand where i was goin with this) anyways...he would cross the street and we exchanged typical bullshit banter fer about 5 minutes and though he fit the description he mentioned on line fer the most part (well except fer the part how he had inverted the numbers he used to describe himself) he compared himself to savory sveedish meatballer DOLPH LUNGREN...

though he resembled more of a sveedish meatball with an over grown cum catcher to cover up his snaggle teeth and marinate'n in paco rabanne cologne so of course you can imagine how i would feel some sorta hesitation in me...

only cuz this would be the 1st time i thought i was gonna become deflowered...perhaps!

he asked me if i wanted to go to his place in uptown...and me bein' totally

unfamiliar with the Minneapolis area and it's surround'ns at this point in time...i asked him where uptown was and he explained it was only about 5 miles away (keep in mind kittens...it's 10:30pm on a warm spring weekend...with winds outta the west at 10 to 15 miles per hr) so i asked where his car was and his response was that he didn't have one but it was such a nice nite out that he suggested we just walk instead of cabb'n it back to his butcher shop...i mean bungalow

now here me out...i don't mind a dance in the dark...a drink in the dark

hell...i don't even mind a dick (or 2) in the dark...but there ain't no way in H-E-double hockey stix that i am walk'n 5 miles thru the dimly lit streets of some city i knew nothing about at the time...though i remember he said we could take a short cut thru some Loring Park and it wouldn't be as long...i still resisted and said i was gonna hop on the bus back to St Paul and i would never hear from my 1st date ever again...

well except fer the fact that he called me the next day ask'n what i thought of a 2nd date so i thought don't be a prick about it and told him politely that i was look'n fer someone closer to the top of the food change...i mean closer to my age!

forward to a year later and i was now live'n in the uptown area with my

very 1st roomie at the time Doug (who i no longer dig anymore just FYI) we were as inseparable as a moth to a flamer (in a non sexual way) bs'n one lazy afternoon when he came home from a difficult day at the park (hey...i don't judge people's professions...i just report 'em) he happened to have the latest fag rag in his hand that he tossed it on our coffee table...which H-E-L-L-O (we were almost 22 after all) consisted of a large microwave box covered in a printed pillow case...

like most under privileged rectally retarded roomies had done with limited income at the time...cuz we were more concerned about the 3D'sd (dance'n...drink'n and dick'n our days away)

i happened to notice the guy on the cover as the 1st date i ever had when

i came across him on the phone line on one non productive day at work scrubb'n out the urinals just try'na pass time a year earlier...i thought to myself as i picked up the rag...damn...he's in the paper on the front page and i was too damn lazy to walk with him to his dwell'ns that one windy spring nite...what was i think'n?

turns out that it was a good thing that i had listened to the flutterbies in my 

gut that even'n fer a change...cuz 2 months after our dismal date...it turns out my date had gunned down 21 year old Joel Larson in Loring Park in the back...and then a month later...he went after former state senator 48 year old John Chenoweth with his 19 year old trick of the nite Cord Drazst...at bare ass beach along the Mississippi river...luckily fer Drazst though he was able to bar hop with his buddies after that horrible incident...that i would run into on occasion while bar hopp'n...that is....until he was 32 ((leave it to my dearest friend Peetrinella and her X to indoctrinate me into non discretional pick-up life at bare ass beach in the midnite hour just a year earlier) apparently my "date" aspired to be the latest serial killer at that moment in time (everyone's gotta have goals i guess)

don't even get me started about the 3 days after i'd moved to Milwaukee..

in the winter of 1992 and the Dahmer trials where all over the front pages (not that i hadda worry if he wasn't caught yet...well...cuz he only liked dark meat apparently)

or how i used to check in Andrew Cunanan at the gym i was work'n at downtown once i had moved back to Minneapolis before he went on his shoot'n spree...

or my other date i had met in my early middle 20's late one nite or early one morn'n (depend'n on how you wanna look at it) who's left prosthetic arm fell off onto my entry way floor when i let him inside my apt (just a simple minor detail he fergot to mention to me when we were chatt'n on line i guess) now don't get me wrong...

i have absolutely zero issues with the handicap so don't turn this into some PC picket parader on my supple snow white A-double snakes...nonetheless...i informed Dr Hook that it would be best if he could kindly just pick up his appendage and look fer another peter'd pansy to poke at that nite!

then there was that one time pre-wanna-be-serial-killer-date...in the hot

summer of 1990 when i was wait'n fer my cuz's hubs to pick me up from St Paul on the corner 3 blocks from where i currently reside...when this juiced up shirtless hot tamale pulled a gigantor hunt'n knife on me late one nite and told me to "get off his block" and that is a direct quote (cuz apparently...2 nites later someone did not take his demands so seriously)

and lastly was the time i hadda save a failed fling from his "str8" married 

feckless fuck from Fridley that he had met online (the same place i had met my 2nd fling a month later in 1990) and said fling had lured him into false pretenses to pick him up and gett'n a free ride over to my apt in hopes of a meaningful menage a trois i guess without my knowledge and without give'n him "the ride of his life" like he had promised apparently so i was left to MEAN GENE OKERLUND this impromptu cage match in my front yard on the corner of crackville avenue and hooker junction in the wee hours of the nite with these 2 unhinged horny hustler's (and honestly...i should'a got paid fer that one!)

if i were a cat...statistics say i should have only about 3 more lives left...

so until another clown comes along...GET OFF MY DRESS!