to all my GEN X'ers out there within my universally loved blog sphere...
remember that raucous rambunctious right to civil disobedience anthem that THE CLASH dropped in 1979 as a big howdy do FUCK YOU to authority? (and yes i'm very well aware that the above gif is to ANOTHER massive hit by them...so don't be some douchey girrock and go write'n yer local radio station or council cunt about an immediate correction that ain't eva gonna happen...KAPEESH!)
from tepid teachers..to pesky preachers...parental figures to pew pew piggers and absolutely anyone donning clown attire!
well...maybe not E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E!
i can recall the very 1st time that i had my very own run-in with the law...
back in 1984 when me...2 of my brothers and my sister were casually meander'n thru the aisles of our local Snyder Drugs store within the confines of the Plaza Square durin' a balmy fall season with southwesterly winds outta the east at 5 to 10 miles per hour (hush...don't question me...i'm tell'n the story) any'who'zll'ding...my sister (4 years my junior) had pointed out a medium sized plastic bendy witch toy that she began play'n with and without hesitation i picked thru my pockets fer any loose change to get it fer her but realized i was roughly 75 cents short so i had her go follow my other 2 brothers out of the store and i'd catch up to them shortly
as they all left the store i immediately went into 5 finger discount mode
fer the very first time (i might add) and tried to figer out my plan of escape...remember'n the 1st rule from Miss Grosnek's kinderbeaner class before cross'n the street...so i looked left...i looked right...then i looked left again...and then i remembered i hadda hit the lil tinkletorium thanx to that damn can of TAB that i had guzzled down before we headed to the store...so i quickly shoved said toy down to the depths of my nether regions of my temu version of grey parachute pants i got one Xmas from Spurgeon's clothing store and headed timidly fer the exit...
BUTT all of a sudden...
outta nowhere this vaginal wart with blood red glittered nails as sharp as a
neurotic eagles talons...latched onto my left shoulder like prey...catch'n me a millisecond before i had the chance to cross the line of demarcation damnation and drug me back into the store...down a long florescent cavernous hellway in the back behind the prophylactics and suppository section...up a short flight of stairs...into a cold desolate grey room the size of a prison cell and called the popo to come "take me awaaaay" like a calgon bath (oh wait...i was 14 and this was Winona after all...i could only DREAM that the cops looked like that back then)
after roughly the 15 minute interrogation under the hot lamp by the total
titless tattle-tale twat was over...this bloated Barney Fife fucker walks into the room to finish the process by lead'n me out the back door into the alley and into his squad car without say'n a single word til we got to the station (i thought to myself...AH SHIT!! my life on the run is O-V-E-R before it even began!)
inside the station...chief Wiggums noticed my mental state and tried to
calm me down with a small cup of OJ and a long John from our local bakery BLOEDOW'S then proceeded to tell me what i had done was wrong but assured me that everything would be ok...that is UNTIL..(cue the dramatic DUH DUH DUHHHH! themed music)
moments later...my parental tour guide and my parish's priest walk in...
seriously...it was like a demented joke unfold'n in front of my very almond shaped deep chestnut brown bedroom eyes (that my 4th grade teacher had made a comment on back then...true story...don't worry...she's NOT my type) though i knew the second i made it into the confines of my home i'd never hear the end of it...oh and to make this insanity story even worse...that sunday i hadda dip into the confessional as our priest asked me thru the ornate wooden confessional cell bars "do you have anything you need to ask for fer forgiveness?" to which i simply replied with a disgruntled attitude like a coked up hooker gett'n stiffed on payday "don't play stupid...i was there...you were there (look'n up) HE was there...the jig is up!"
it would be a whole 20 years before i would have another run-in with the
basturds in blue...and though technically i was only 1 fuck'n point over the legal limit...i can free admit this was (on a technicality) my fault...however...
i am irish...i can pah-duh-boo-ray better than any Baryshnikov out there...hell...i'd need to be at least 10 points over the limit before i'd even be considered a jaywalker at best after all (and yes...i'm all too familiar that that's what a drunk tank would most likely murmur)
so by the time i had gotten released...i was in all sorts of unjustifiable dishevelment and no beauty squad at my disposal...luckily the Annie Leibovitz take'n my mugshot that late nite let me collect my thoughts and composure and obliged me with a do-over since my 1st shot had me look'n like a swollen puffer fish with tear stained eyes...
and if Paris Hilton has taught me anything about gett'n arrested...it's that you wanna make damn sure you look yer best at all times...especially when they get to the downfall portion of yer E true hollyweird story!
just like clock work...it would be 20 years later and once again i'd come in
contact with the law...though thankfully 3rd times a charm cuz this time i was on the other side of the bullet proof partition as the fresh new Annie Leibovitz of my local sheriff's office...
and i made damn sure that every crook...crazy or coke head looked their absolute finest (hey...i was think'n about their own true hollyweird story)
however...after 4 arduous months on the job...without any kinda warn'n...
my lieutenant decided to abruptly rearrange my schedule and apparently since i was at the bottom of the seniority totem pole (even though i'm 99.9% a top regardless of what you've heard) i couldn't switch to the appropriate hours to accommodate my narcoleptic sleep'n disorder (that i had asked for) so i was told to just put in my 2 weeks notice like a compliant chimp and i'd be let go with good stand'n to pursue another position within the county...of which i did
however once i applied fer my funemployment durin' my pursuit of another
position...I WAS DENIED!! what in the pepsi cola board meet'n bullshit was happen'n? i filled out all the damn paperwork...i completed my 2 damn weeks...i did my damn exit interview...then come to find out that my lieutenant stated to the funemployment office that i DID NOT ASK for accommodations! luckily...i remembered it was all in blue ink in my exit interview (that the lieutenant also said i couldn't have a copy of when i asked for it just seconds after i clocked out...state'n it was now "states evidence")
again WTF??? states evidence? this was my cause to dismiss my duties...
not a damn confession to a murder or bank heist so i sued the Clairol #9 cuntasaurus and won ALL my funemployment benjamins back and went on with my pursuit of unhappiness leave'n the entire damn experience behind me
6 months later while i was gleefully gallop'n around at some Judy Garland
jamboree next to an absolute gem of an ancient co-worker's palace...when i overheard a very distinct laugh i'd remembered from somewhere in my past and suddenly noticed it was come'n from one of the co-workers i'd chatted to in pass'n durin' my shift at the sheriff's office...so i meandered my way slowly thru the crowd and made my way up to them...
"hey...i remember you from the sheriff's office a while back" to which she replied "well i probably arrested you then" to which i raised my eyebrow and looked into her cataracts and said "umm no...we worked together..i took the mugshots" and then without hesitation she quirked her face in amazement and said "oh yea...they're STILL talk'n about you there cuz you are the first one to ever sue the lieutenant"
i chimed in and said "well...she shouldn't have lied to the court!" took a sip of my non existent cocktail...turned and went on my merrily ferrily way!
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
