MOCK'N THE CASBAH!

to all my GEN X'ers out there within my universally loved blog sphere...

remember that raucous rambunctious right to civil disobedience anthem that THE CLASH dropped in 1979 as a big howdy do FUCK YOU to authority? (and yes i'm very well aware that the above gif is to ANOTHER massive hit by them...so don't be some douchey girrock and go write'n yer local radio station or council cunt about an immediate correction that ain't eva gonna happen...KAPEESH!) 

from a very young and tender age we are all taught to respect authority...

from tepid teachers..to pesky preachers...parental figures to pew pew piggers and absolutely anyone donning clown attire!

well...maybe not E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E!

i can recall the very 1st time that i had my very own run-in with the law...

back in 1984 when me...2 of my brothers and my sister were casually meander'n thru the aisles of our local Snyder Drugs store within the confines of the Plaza Square durin' a balmy fall season with southwesterly winds outta the east at 5 to 10 miles per hour (hush...don't question me...i'm tell'n the story) any'who'zll'ding...my sister (4 years my junior) had pointed out a medium sized plastic bendy witch toy that she began play'n with and without hesitation i picked thru my pockets fer any loose change to get it fer her but realized i was roughly 75 cents short so i had her go follow my other 2 brothers out of the store and i'd catch up to them shortly

as they all left the store i immediately went into 5 finger discount mode

fer the very first time (i might add) and tried to figer out my plan of escape...remember'n the 1st rule from Miss Grosnek's kinderbeaner class before cross'n the street...so i looked left...i looked right...then i looked left again...and then i remembered i hadda hit the lil tinkletorium thanx to that damn can of TAB that i had guzzled down before we headed to the store...so i quickly shoved said toy down to the depths of my nether regions of my temu version of grey parachute pants i got one Xmas from Spurgeon's clothing store and headed timidly fer the exit...

BUTT all of a sudden...

outta nowhere this vaginal wart with blood red glittered nails as sharp as a 

neurotic eagles talons...latched onto my left shoulder like prey...catch'n me a millisecond before i had the chance to cross the line of demarcation damnation and drug me back into the store...down a long florescent cavernous hellway in the back behind the prophylactics and suppository section...up a short flight of stairs...into a cold desolate grey room the size of a prison cell and called the popo to come "take me awaaaay" like a calgon bath (oh wait...i was 14 and this was Winona after all...i could only DREAM that the cops looked like that back then)

after roughly the 15 minute interrogation under the hot lamp by the total 

titless tattle-tale twat was over...this bloated Barney Fife fucker walks into the room to finish the process by lead'n me out the back door into the alley and into his squad car without say'n a single word til we got to the station (i thought to myself...AH SHIT!! my life on the run is O-V-E-R before it even began!)

inside the station...chief Wiggums noticed my mental state and tried to 

calm me down with a small cup of OJ and a long John from our local bakery BLOEDOW'S then proceeded to tell me what i had done was wrong but assured me that everything would be ok...that is UNTIL..(cue the dramatic DUH DUH DUHHHH! themed music) 

moments later...my parental tour guide and my parish's priest walk in...

seriously...it was like a demented joke unfold'n in front of my very almond shaped deep chestnut brown bedroom eyes (that my 4th grade teacher had made a comment on back then...true story...don't worry...she's NOT my type) though i knew the second i made it into the confines of my home i'd never hear the end of it...oh and to make this insanity story even worse...that sunday i hadda dip into the confessional as our priest asked me thru the ornate wooden confessional cell bars "do you have anything you need to ask for fer forgiveness?" to which i simply replied with a disgruntled attitude like a coked up hooker gett'n stiffed on payday "don't play stupid...i was there...you were there (look'n up) HE was there...the jig is up!" 

i had decided to quit the voodoo party...i mean church...that i was forced into on my own volition that very day after that shifty shady showcase showdown altercation!

it would be a whole 20 years before i would have another run-in with the

basturds in blue...and though technically i was only 1 fuck'n point over the legal limit...i can free admit this was (on a technicality) my fault...however...

i am irish...i can pah-duh-boo-ray better than any Baryshnikov out there...hell...i'd need to be at least 10 points over the limit before i'd even be considered a jaywalker at best after all (and yes...i'm all too familiar that that's what a drunk tank would most likely murmur)

so by the time i had gotten released...i was in all sorts of unjustifiable dishevelment and no beauty squad at my disposal...luckily the Annie Leibovitz take'n my mugshot that late nite let me collect my thoughts and composure and obliged me with a do-over since my 1st shot had me look'n like a swollen puffer fish with tear stained eyes... 

and if Paris Hilton has taught me anything about gett'n arrested...it's that you wanna make damn sure you look yer best at all times...especially when they get to the downfall portion of yer E true hollyweird story!

just like clock work...it would be 20 years later and once again i'd come in

contact with the law...though thankfully 3rd times a charm cuz this time i was on the other side of the bullet proof partition as the fresh new Annie Leibovitz of my local sheriff's office...

and i made damn sure that every crook...crazy or coke head looked their absolute finest (hey...i was think'n about their own true hollyweird story)

however...after 4 arduous months on the job...without any kinda warn'n...

my lieutenant decided to abruptly rearrange my schedule and apparently since i was at the bottom of the seniority totem pole (even though i'm 99.9% a top regardless of what you've heard) i couldn't switch to the appropriate hours to accommodate my narcoleptic sleep'n disorder (that i had asked for) so i was told to just put in my 2 weeks notice like a compliant chimp and i'd be let go with good stand'n to pursue another position within the county...of which i did

however once i applied fer my funemployment durin' my pursuit of another 

position...I WAS DENIED!!  what in the pepsi cola board meet'n bullshit was happen'n? i filled out all the damn paperwork...i completed my 2 damn weeks...i did my damn exit interview...then come to find out that my lieutenant stated to the funemployment office that i DID NOT ASK for accommodations! luckily...i remembered it was all in blue ink in my exit interview (that the lieutenant also said i couldn't have a copy of when i asked for it just seconds after i clocked out...state'n it was now "states evidence") 

again WTF??? states evidence? this was my cause to dismiss my duties...

not a damn confession to a murder or bank heist so i sued the Clairol #9 cuntasaurus and won ALL my funemployment benjamins back and went on with my pursuit of unhappiness leave'n the entire damn experience behind me

6 months later while i was gleefully gallop'n around at some Judy Garland 

jamboree next to an absolute gem of an ancient co-worker's palace...when i overheard a very distinct laugh i'd remembered from somewhere in my past and suddenly noticed it was come'n from one of the co-workers i'd chatted to in pass'n durin' my shift at the sheriff's office...so i meandered my way slowly thru the crowd and made my way up to them... 

"hey...i remember you from the sheriff's office a while back" to which she replied "well i probably arrested you then" to which i raised my eyebrow and looked into her cataracts and said "umm no...we worked together..i took the mugshots" and then without hesitation she quirked her face in amazement and said "oh yea...they're STILL talk'n about you there cuz you are the first one to ever sue the lieutenant" 

i chimed in and said "well...she shouldn't have lied to the court!" took a sip of my non existent cocktail...turned and went on my merrily ferrily way!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

STICKY FINGERS pt. 3

it's still 1984 kittens and all the claws are out as a kitty cat cage match 

began between Alexis and Krystle over presumably the last long last'n extra super hold can of aqua net on the popular set of DYNASTY (i don't really know...i never succumbed to that maxi pad festival)

teenie boppers and zit poppers alike were twist'n in their parachute pants with all the drama trauma of try'na fit the next blocked peg into the hole before they hadda hand over the joy stick and get down on their buddies joy stick (as legend has it i heard)

a young 8 year old Miss BARRYMOORE was born to pull off pyrotechnics with just a simple psychotic stare

and MR JACKSON's jerry curled quaff goes up in flames durin' the pyrotechnics of a popular soft drink commercial (allegedly there's reports that DREW's whereabouts on that day in question have STILL gone unanswered after all these years...hmmmm...i'm just say'n...do the math!)

click here fer pt 1      and     click here fer pt 2

i could practically feel the virginia slimmed stench of Auhgra's breath

huff'n and puff'n down the back of my neck as it permeated the air all around me with a firm grip of her talon securely clenched into my shoulder lead'n me down the long florescent flickered hallway to my uncertain future as i'm sure i probably relentlessly begged fer leniency to no avail

more than i ever begged fer CULTURE CLUB tickets that year fer xmas

BUTT however...

my desperate plea's went unanswered as Aughra led me up the steps

to the hub of the eagle's nest where the foreshadow'n of the Orwellian book had come to life with the soundtrack sung by the incomparable ANNIE LENNOX of EURYTHMICS runn'n thru my mind 

as i witnessed first hand the multiple evil eye's scann'n practically every inch of the store 

what had seemed like a complete lifetime was more like some 10 minutes

 after call'n the authorities and without even offer'n me a tasty candied walnut salad with just a few maraschino cherries float'n in a dixie cup of cherry shasta to wash down my disgrace with some grace i might add...Aughra would swiftly open the door and exited without mutter'n a word to me as she barricaded me behind the door as i feverishly scanned the room to devise a desperate break-out plan

while i waited apprehensively fer Roscoe to show up and drag me kick'n and scream'n all the way to the electric chair

once we had reached the station Roscoe was the perfect host by come'n 

around to open my door...i felt like i was at the premiere of some hollyweird blockbuster fer a mere minute til i realized there was no paparazzi blind'n my vision nor any Miss RIVERS to ask me who i was wear'n that afternoon

as i sat in Roscoe's office nervously he had asked me if i had anything

to eat lately and as i lowered my head in a forlornly fashion he left the room fer a moment only to return with a paper plate of confectionary carnage and a cup of water (not Perrier unfortunately) nonetheless i couldn't have been a happier camper as i was parched

after choke'n down 2 delicious maple long john's from the best bakery

in town called BLOEDOW's (that was not a paid endorsement kittens...just a fact) he had let me plead my case how i wasn't steal'n the toy fer me but fer my sister then explained to me that he hoped this would serve as a lesson not to repeat it in the near future and all seemed to go in my favor until he said he had called my house which meant JOAN would have to come to retrieve me and i knew the shit was eventually gonna hit our rusted broken down fan

you would probably think that me bein the teen rage'n pre-unintentionally

internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i was that i would be the one with all the over the top dramatic antics however as Roscoe lead me outside of the station to await my impend'n fate i was greeted in the police driveway by JOAN and the priest from my parish as if they really needed to perform some sorta twisted exorcism on me or somethin' right then and there

are you S-E-R-I-O-U-S?

well needless to say that was the longest week of retribution i had ever

had to endure...1st by bein' forced to do a STFU Q&A powwow with my sibs at the kitchen table about the sticky situation i had gotten myself into...then to add hydrochloric acid to an open wound by weeks end i had to go into the confessional at our CASPER Crematorium of Unconsciousness Tenants where the same priest who was at my release party would ask me thru the barbed wired window if i had anything i needed to ask CASPER fer fergiveness for to which i simply told the truth...

"don't play stupid...i was there...you was there and i'm sure HE was there!" (and that is a direct quote kittens)

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

Belly Up To The Bar

lurk'n in any lil tiny town across this country you will run into thee most 

mundane ordinary pedophiles i mean priests...places and thing-a-ma-jiggers...however in any BARNEY FIFE miniature metropolis you can always bet yer bottom bloomers that you'll bump into a one-of-a-kind RALPH FURLEY treasure or 2

take fer instance...my lil shit hole town...i mean my quaint lil shit hole town

where i spent a small portion of my pre and post ejaculatory existence WINONA, MN established in 1857 allegedly named after some native american princess who did a nose dive off a non saccrinated solid mass of mineraloid matter atop a massive mound of dirt molested in foliage completely unaware of the carbonite pit wait'n fer her down below that the town folk setup fer some indian named SKYWALKER but needed someone to test it out prior and unfortunately PRINCESS WINONA decided to become the test pilot on that fateful afternoon...

and is still encased in that carbonite to this very day...allegedly!

the other 3 gemstones that put my fair lil town of fuckery on the map was

the fact that hollyweird screen goddess WINONA RYDER was named after our sensible yet senile city

the best damn maple long john's on the planet are found at our lil bakery since 1924...not up fer discussion 

(fuck Dunkin dickwads and Crispy crappers)

and of course thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe  KRYSTAL KLEER also known as ME!

BUTT wait...there's more...

with mask restrictions lifted in almost every water'n hole around town

everyone is desperately die'n to gather together with their latest on-line STD to shoot the shit over a nice cold brewski or a pretty lil rimmed cocktail just like Jack...Janet and Crissy did in the 70's and 80's when they popped into their fav-o-rit corner bar "THE REGAL BEAGLE" 

so it's only fitt'n that after a very long heel-less 23,328 non tipped hours 

(that's over 2 1/2 years fer you non googlers) 

my dimly lit spotlight will once again shine upon that glorious eyesore i call my hometown as i take to the stage as MC and perform'n host fer the 2nd annual  PRIDE event at everyone's fav-o-rit lil corner dui destination located in blister'n beautiful downtown WINONA, MN saturday june 26th 2021 at the "NO NAME BAR" 

i thought i'd catch up with the dynamic duo sibling owners and very close 

personal stalkers of mine since the 80's CYNTHIA & BRIAN KNOUFT just to see how their artsy lil establishment of spirits has survived the worst plague... 

since DEBBIE GIBSON's electric youth perfume!

how have things been fer you all ever since the whole COVID crap?

COVID was a real challenge for us and we spent most of last year closed. Even when we were allowed to open last summer we chose to remain closed because the case count was so high locally. Finances were a struggle but we were able to remain in the business with the help of the PPP program as well as local grants and low interest loans.

One can only assume that the whole damn panic over the pandemic 

pretty much wiped out yer customer base...true?

Not at all, in fact our customers have been incredibly supportive during the pandemic by purchasing merchandise and drink chips while we were closed. When they've been ready and able to come back, we're often the first bar they've come to visit in a year.

have the town folk responded kindly after the state lifted it's lockdown  

and the mask mandate?

people are excited to be out and about and it's been very good for business. Weekends have been busier than ever. The stimulus money has also been great for business!

what are you plann'n to help bring back the crowds of yester year and 

will their be any big surprises to keep em tap dance'n til dawn? 

Being primarily an event-based business, the shutdowns forced us to be a little more creative to draw new and existing customers in. We've upped our cocktail game quite a bit in an attempt to expand beyond just being a beer and shot bar. During last summer/early fall of last year we hosted a couple of outdoor music events (social distanced of course). Prior to the restrictions on live indoor performances being lifted we began hosting DJ nights every weekend. These have become quite popular and we've seen a lot of new faces-people who had never been to our bar pre-pandemic and are now just discovering us.

ummm and how excited am i to meet those incredibly amaze'n bands you have popp'n in "TIMISAROCKER" and "ALIEN BOOK CLUB"

along with ME thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe KRYSTAL KLEER as the misstressed mc/performer of this gala PRIDE event yer hold'n fer anyone over 21 on sat june 26th from 5pm til close with a $10 cover

and now we've come to my fav-o-rit part of the interview i like to just call

"can we talk about ME fer a change?"  

basically what i want right now is fer you to bounce into yer best Barbara Walters blouse and ask my ANYTHING under the rainbow...well except about rainbows cuz that's just fuck'n lazy journalism?

hmmm...seems like we're have'n a lil testical difficulties...

come'on...LADY BUNNY LESLIE GORDAN and NELLIE OLESON from LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE had no difficulties ask'n me one!

tick tock tick tock tick tock...

hmmmm....okaaaaaaaaaaay...well apparently Jiminy ain't the only cricket!

so i wanna thank the fab owners of NO NAME BAR...CYNTHIA KNOUFT

and BRIAN KNOUFT fer take'n time outta their busy schedule fer this lil pow wow and fer graciously putt'n my A-double snakes back on stage to host their 2nd annual PRIDE event (click here fer all the info) hope to see you there kittens and don't ferget to bring ya holla's and ya dolla's cuz in the immortal words of one DOLLY PARTON...

"it costs alotta money to look this cheap!

HAPPY PRIDE on what ever...where ever...who ever or how ever you choose to celebrate it kittens!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!