salutations in ejaculations!

in this very unfortunate self imposed incarcerational season that we are

now somewhat forced to follow fer the impend'n future (no thanx in part to that mentally deranged sociopathetik tang powdered bloated anal wart in the white house) minus apparently of course...all those CASPER crusaders who think that this is the end of times and plan to hide out from the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse in some lobotomized institution of worship.,.patiently await'n instructions from their magical cloud superior who will protect them from all this evil

of course all of them will eventually succumb to 2 of thee most important

words found in the webster dictionary: NATURAL SELECTION

some beautiful music has even helped with the ease'n of the tensions... 

since we're all probably gonna loose'n our pensions (hey...how Dr. Seuss of me) with the cool style'ns of hot to trot grrrranimal Chris Mann

emotions are take'n there toll on the masses that are sitt'n on their asses

why...i was even told by a long time stalker of mine recently...that no one reads my planetary blog anymore and that they personally will no longer be stroke'n my unused ego...just cuz i merely sent it to them fer somethin' to pass their time...while they were pass'n a sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelain god

JEZUS...MARY-KATE and ASHLEY SIMPSON on a flaky graham cracker

crust...kitten puhleez...after 6 weeks in solitary confinement...the ONLY stroke'n that i'm look'n for is between my meaty thighs...i am thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...i DO NOT follow others fer advice...I AM FOLLOWED fer mine!

not sure how things are taught now in lobotomized class catholic school...

but back in the day when i was but a pre-pubescent unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...forced to participate in those voodoo rituals durin' class with a room full of coma-toasted catholickers...very little was told about the tingle'n sensations that were race'n thru our milky fresh pre-pubic nubile bodies

my sex education classes consisted of 2 basic rules

#1  it's against CASPER's law and absolutely deplorable to involve yerself 

in ritualistic monkey love with someone have'n the same nibbly parts

#2  it's against CASPER's law and the #1 cause fer blindness simply by

"play'n with yer Pee Wee Herman"

"yank'n yer Yoda" or...

"make'n yer pogo stick puke"

or the hundreds of other nicknames referred to as "wake'n yer nibbly's from their nap"...plus many unscientific studies have proven this was the

main cause for mental fucktardation in most future political closet cases

well...needless to say...i wasn't too damn happy to get this news...cuz the endless hours i spent above our garage...once fingers found flesh...after

rummage'n thru my cuz's garbage and meticulously remove'n the gerber servers from back issues of beaver hunt and leave'n me with the pile of tonsil ticklers as visual aids fer my numerous exploratory expeditions

i knew i was headed straight to the corner of Helen Keller Circle & Blindman’s Bluff

as my body began to change...so did the electricity surge'n thru my veins...and then one day it FINALLY happened...when i was have'n...

"my own private i-da-ho" moment...that the gates of Lucifer opened wide like the nuns spoke of...

and i gave myself my very first "pearl necklace"...which was very traumatize'n at the time...cuz i believed this was a punishment from CASPER thanx to those non fuck'n nuns...so i figered i had to rid my body of this obvious enjoyable evilness...sometimes at the rate of 10-15 times a day until i gave my one eyed willy serious rug burns and could no longer rub one out...

this of course would'a been alot less painful had i known about lather'n up in lubrication while perform'n self-fornication

it wasn't until i joined in on a weekly ritual with the chain wang gang a group friends "patty cake'n their baker's man" above another friend's

 garage...that i learned heaven truly is a place on earth...or at the very least...in a buddies garage...they know who they are so i will forgo mention'n any names...besides...they really wouldn't fit into my E true hollyweird story anyways

though i am reproductively retarded...i now know as a full grown wanker spanker...this is completely normal and a natural act of release'n stress...
and there's absolutely nothing wrong with "toss'n yer salad" from  time to

endless time when needed...though these days i just lay there like a dead hooker and let my informational highway speeders do that call of duty fer me...i mean i am an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...just make sure at the very least...there's a bucket of crisco near by

recently...a friend told me...a while back...of how she'd been runn'n thru vats of hair conditioner like it was goin outta style...and with only birth'n 2

moochers...each of the opposite sex...there was only one simple pimple solution to her conditioner dilemma...without embarrass'n the guilty gusher...i suggested she simply purchase stock in the merried of lubrication's on the market these days and slip it under his pillow...no words will ever need to be exchanged...as this is NOT a topic typically discussed between mother and child...and MOST non homosexual fathers have penile denial when it comes to teach'n the topic of "spank'n the monkey" with their lil horny toad

of course there are those CASPER crusade'n parents out there who are vehemently apposed to the touch'n of any tingly parts with their children...

that they would have to chastise for...so is yer lil Gabriel try'n to "blow his horn"?

perhaps Bethany is become'n a blasphemous bad girl by "sinn'n underneath her linen"

well don't fret my insane brain dead color'n book correctors...thanx to the makers at Control Toys...yer prayers have been answered...save yer son's

soul by strapp'n him into this easily assembled cross...fashioned after Mary's unbiological mistake from a one nite stand with CASPER...with comfortably adjustable canvas straps to help yer child control his urge to purge himself of the evilness within...until he is old enough to walk thru the pits of hell down the aisle...with his annoy'n tax write off that comes in 2 confessional colors...baptismal blueberry and deliver me from evil red

deliver yer daughter's from those evil dances with the devil...by buckel'n her into this blasphemous free jacket...made from 100% pure salvational cotton...completely hand washable with just enough wiggle room fer yer child to stop and think before they touch their purgatory palace...comes in many fashionable designs...or download yer own pentecostal design to shun them from their friends

have kids that just can't seem to purge that undeniable desirable urge?

no problem...have we got a camp fer YOU!...sigh em up and send em on their way down the righteous path to positive purity and a blessed life...free of those impure thoughts...it's lobotomized fun the whole family can enjoy!

so there ya have kittens...hopefully my insight into the naturally sinsational demonic lifestyle of  "spank'n the monkey" will make you think twice...

the next time you feel the need to "she bop"

or start "turn'n japanese"

save yerself from eternal damnation and just
GET OFF MY DRESS!

KNEE DEEP IN KAAKAA!

picture it kittens...it's the dawn of the 1300's...the renaissance fair begins

in italy in 1325...MING begins his destructive dynasty in chinatown in 1368...oh and that small pesky lil disease known as the bubonic plaque (known to the simple town folk simply as the black death) would seal the fate of about roughly 25 million (give or take a few mill...i mean come on...they weren't exactly fill'n out governmental issued census cards back then) from 1347 til just about christmas eve 1351 all across europe

thanx in part by those very unsanitary and unkempt relatives of Jerry and Mickey

though i will admit...i was not only fascinated by but highly impressed with 

the doctors Terry Mugler/S&M inspired couture smocks that they would  drape themselves in when fight'n this awfully dreadful disease...the detailed stitch work alone was absolutely impeccable!

thankfully...600 years later by the 1900's...the medical practices were a bit

more advanced and much better equipped to handle and help their fellow man try'na beat their ailments and everyday annoyances...with simple pimple solutions that they made up to the best of their knowledge...well...cuz they could

have'n issues try'na catch'n yer breath while desperately compete'n in 

that 5K run everyone's gonna be enter'n in after the church bizarre? then why not flick yer bic and try some of Dr. Batty's asthma cigarettes to keep all that huff'n and puff'n at bay

gotta high libido and can't seem to keep yer juiced up willy under wraps?

well don't fret my lil minx...cuz thanx to a few treatments of malariotherapy invented by austrian psychiatrist Julius Wagner-Jauregg... 

who earned himself a noble peace prize in 1927 by declare'n malarian riddled mosquitoes helped subside those irritate'n burn'n and itch'n sensations that one might experience after catch'n syphilis from that whore down the street...by induce'n a high fever...with only a 15% mortality rate...(hey...at least the odds gave you a better chance of whore'n it up alot more)

sick of all those tiresome calisthenic classes at the neighborhood gym

that practically would take roughly 4 hrs to get to by horse & buggy...just cuz you decided to have that extra pan of rhubarb crumble...that no amount of bustle'n could ever cover up?...thanx to the tape worm diet...it didn't matter how much junk you wanted to store in yer trunk

don't know how to stop give'n yerself all those painful rug burns cuz you

been sinn'n in yer linen beyond the recommended daily allowance by "choke'n the chicken" or "buff'n the muffin"? NO PROB!

thanx to Dr. John Harvey Kellogg who invented the popular wholesome family of flakes made from good christian corn...those impure thoughts were a thing of the past when you started yer day with a healthy bowl of anti-masturbatory flakes soaked in moo juice and washed em down with a glass of freshly squeezed sanctimonious juice!

and now with the mass hysteria that's revolved around the coronavirus

thru-out the entire planet...no one quite knows exactly what to do with themselves with all the miss information out there...though...if ya ask me...i say if ya ain't got a lime...then i don't want it!

BUTT of course...(insert whatever ya feel the need to here)

leave it to the current mentally deranged lie'n corrupt sack of cheeto 

dusted pig shit to try and calm the masses who sit on their asses...by announce'n to them at his latest insecurely egotistical maga tour...that the WHOLE THING is just a "HOAX" invented by the democrats to ruin his run fer 2020...and that those show'n any kinda symptoms are perfectly fine to get on the bus the next day fer work...lett'n his brain dead lobotomized audience know that he knows way more about the virus than the W.H.O. 

**DISCLAIMER**

in case ya ain't follow'n along...lemme clarify things...i ain't referr'n to those ritual bath'n sensations from the 60's

i'm talk'n about this band of experts kittens!

though a serious and sometimes even fatal disease...in most probable 

worst case scenarios...this disease...just like SARS...EBOLA and any annoy'n diseases that have manifested themselves within the past 20 years...will not reach the epic proportions of the 1300's ever again...thanx in part to W.H.O (but who really knows?) and though J.P. Gaultier had showcased some beautiful coulture masks at his last show in paris not too long ago...please take REAL ADVICE from REAL DOCTORS...and not from conspiracy terrorists...

like Pee Wee's pill popp'n loud mouthed bloated anal wart neighbor...who wants you to believe his assessment of the entire situation...

over the 25 yr experience from the CDC's (that's Center of Disease Control fer you non googlers) Dr Nancy Messonier...though i guess it's ultimately up to you to decide who you wanna believe

sure some might'a slagged off Miss Crawford fer her overly obtuse

obsessiveness when it came to Christina & Christopher's lack of OCD...but she was only look'n out fer their health!

though i myself would just as soon take medical advice from any of these

3 docs before i would EVER listen to a single damn word of advice about ANYTHING vomited outta the current WH assmenstruation!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

Swept Away!

i decided after almost 10 years of regurgitate'n my blissfully bodacious

and sometimes down right balls to the walls babble to all of my cautiously curious kittens across the universe...from Toledo to Taiwan...that it was about time that i finally give back and thank you from the bottom of my emptyless soul fer stick'n with me thru out all my tantrums...tirades and tawdry trysts...with a contest and ONE GRAND PRIZE WIENER!

at first i thought...i think the best thing i could possibly give away to one

lucky kitten out there would be an unimaginable pile of cold hard bengie's that you could spend any way you wanted to until yer lil cold selfish bleed'n hearts content (and if it that just can't keep you content...then perhaps rip out the heart from one of the many millions of other losers to fulfill yer contention)

BUTT...and you know there always is one...don'tcha?

although i've work in the financial industry in the downtown Minne-Apple

fer the better part of 20 some years and personally know all the tricks of the trade on how i could potentially line yer pockets with untold riches beyond yer belief 

(with or without the use of a smart form fitt'n egyptian blue jumper)

i just can't pull off any pumpkin colored fabric to save my life...plus i decided it's not my responsibility to be stuff'n yer piggy bank at this juncture in my life... 

since soon i will be crowned Mrs Colostomy Bag 2020...come labor day weekend...so i decided to take the off ramp on my train of thought to another consolation prize

and really...who doesn't dream of some exotic erotic vacation destination...

perhaps (if they're like me) they'd enjoy stroll'n down some war torn dirt road...bask'n in the moonlight behind some deserted castle in transylvania...that could possibly be their cup of tea

then i thought...OH FER FUCKS SAKES!...like i want my contest winner to

 have to deal with this new generational crop of crappers who are dead set on become'n trendy "victims" by shame'n everyone else on the use of the proper pronouns that you need refer to them by...that pretty much you have to play like a fuck'n rubix cube of emotions just to figer their whole damn concept out...

cuz they're whine'n about the fact that the country is called TRANSYLVANIA...why not just rename it to SWEETSYLVANIE they'll say?

well...after spend'n hours upon hours to try and satisfy EVERYONE...

with my prize giveaway fer their years of dedication...i decided that there's A-L-W-A-Y-S gonna be some piss pour pouter in snoreville that'll say that my contest was rigged against them...so i figered i'd scrap the entire idea all together as to not look like there's ANY sorta favoritism towards ANYONE and just have my throngs of kittens thru-out the planet open their generous pocket books

and take out a personal loan from yer kids Kool-Aid college fund to help donate to the ULTIMATE prize package!

since charity seems to be the glue that makes everyone feel like they've  

actually accomplished something with their pathetic ME ME ME life...i thought why not start a GOFUCKYERSELF charity fund fer the 51 senators who decided to take a massive shit on the constitution by vote'n NO fer witnesses that would've testified in the impeachment trials but instead decided to help cover up the callous corruption...

caused by their mentally deranged lie'n corrupt cheeto dusted sack of pig shit boss with the cottage cheesed dilapidated A double snakes!

i decided to try & collect enough benjie's to send them on an ALL inclusive 

vacation package to beautiful downtown WUHAN CHINA...where they'll each get their very own host family that will put them up fer a week and help them decompress from the stress they've been under lately

take'n donations til this november 4th...so please...i implore you...please

don't leave ONE of those asinine senators behind this november...DONATE TODAY and GET OFF MY DRESS!